Uncomfortable Blog

I have no idea what I really want to write about. Well, I do...but I am not too keen on posting it. Julia reminded me that I can write it but not publish it. 

The SF Giants just made it to the World Series. I should be happy, but I'm sad. Am I sad or just feeling sad because of all the yucky stuff that's happening?

I've been coming up with tons of horrendous halloween costumes...really they are Brignolio humor awesome...pregnant lady, grim reaper, Jony (half Tony/half Joy), Mrs. Claus, disco king with my own disco ball balloon and leisure suit....I could go on.....

The real thing I'm struggling with is that I'm missing Tony in a physical sense. Watch out...this may be PG-13. I am now pretending that no one will be reading this. I don't talk about this kind of stuff. I only started talking about this stuff when I realized that my kids will hear it from somebody, and I'd rather it be me that they hear it from. Really all I'm craving is a long, non-safe-place hug (for all of you not working in the Children's Department at BNC, a safe place hug is a one-armed side hug) and possible a toe-curling kiss. I know me though. If a kiss can make my toes curl, I would probably want more (I've been married...I've enjoyed what comes next.) I wouldn't do anything about it, but my brain would focus on it for a long time. It would make it so much worse and so uncomfortable to be in my brain. So it's not going to happen. I sarcastically thought about putting an ad out for a dude who would give me a no-strings-attached long hug and fab kiss. The requirements would be a man not related to me, nowhere close to my son's age, not married or dating, cute would be a bonus, undecided about facial hair, taller than me (should be easy), not smelly...that's as far as I made it on the requirements. If you would like to apply for the job, feel free to text me at 925-628-NotHappening. I would really prefer someone who looks like Tony, acts like Tony, smells like Tony.....is Tony. Anything else is a bit creepy (I was going to say nasty, but that made me feel a bit uncomfortable...having been married to Tony...it would have been accompanied by a snicker). But this craving is causing this massive ache inside. My heart just hurts so much. I start crying as I write this because the ache is so strong, so painful. I have taken moments to hang out with guys just so I can remember what it was like to be around my man. I still love my man ferociously, so anyone else is just yucky physically. I begin to wonder if I will ever feel loved again, if someone will look at me with that complete love and adoration in their eyes. I have had the ultimate dream, a man who thought I was pretty, who loved me when I didn't love myself, who looked out for me, who tried to fix all things for me... Will I ever get to feel this again? Do I want to feel this again? It obviously won't be Tony, so I don't know if I even want it. I want to be loved, but I want to be loved by Tony.

This is definitely the hardest blog I have written. The others may have been yucky or painful, but this one has me sobbing. I'm hoping that by writing it, I will be able to move on. That has been the pattern from the past. So here's hoping that I will be able to give up this craving. That it will be subdued. Life was not always good with Tony. We had many terrible years, but the last ones we finally made it to heaven on earth (if you ignore watching your husband deteriorate mentally and physically).

So, how have I chosen joy? I haven't really. I don't have enough energy to fight for joy. I have woken up each day, eaten at least one meal each day, and fought hard to find things funny (sometimes hilariously funny) (sometimes inappropriately funny...sorry to those who I was inappropriate with...with my words), worked out at the gym, hung out with my kids (have I said lately how awesome my kids are?), tried to enjoy the Giants games....... So, I guess, in a weird way, that's as much choosing joy as I can at the moment.

So, there you go. Will I hit the publish button or not? At this moment, I'm not sure. Originally I said no. Now I might just so my brain will shut up. Please don't look at me funny. Don't give me the look. Don't make fun of me...unless I'm in a good mood...I love laughing. That's it.                              JOY

My Anniversary Trip

So first I want to explain why we were married on September 26. It had to do with when the baseball season was. Tony played baseball back then in a semi-pro league. We also were Giants fans. So that meant that we needed to be married in February/March before the season began, end of September between the regular season and post season (it used to be that way), or end of October (and after) when the season was over. We chose September 26 which happened to be a Saturday which also just happened to be exactly a week before my parents' anniversary. There you have it...it all started with baseball.

Last Christmas, I received my customary 6 pack of SF Giants tickets! I love getting this present. We got to go once a month for the entire season! The last ticket of the season was September 25. I joked with Tony that I was going to see the Giants for my anniversary, and he didn't get to go.

With all the other firsts that have happened, I now knew that the days preceding the BIG first are much worse than the actual day. I didn't want my Giants game to suck, so I started dreaming. Around this time I became a Gamer Babe on Facebook. These are a great group of ladies (and some men...we call them Gamer Dudes) who also LOVE the Giants. This has been a wonderful group for me...very supportive. They mentioned a Giants-themed suite in a hotel in San Francisco. I started dreaming more. I contacted the lady who is the Gamer Babe contact for the hotel. She gave me a Gamer Babe discount! (I accidentally TMI-ed her and told her all about Tony...that's not why she gave me the discount.) So I booked the Dugout Suite at the Hotel Union Square. They gave me some presents to celebrate my anniversary...2 bottles of wine, some Ghiradelli chocolate, and a t-shirt. They treated us royally. It was awesome!

This began my big dreaming. I decided to upgrade our September 25 tickets. We ended up behind home plate! I forgot to tell you...I went with 2 of my best friends (and fellow Gamer Babes) Shari and my mom. We get our 6 pack of tickets together every year. (I love how I keep changing tense...yep, I noticed.)

This was the night they celebrated their entry into the Wild Card position of the post season. They showed all the partying on the big screen. They won their game! It was so cool. I forgot to tell you...we went to Lefty O'Doul's for lunch (dinner is always at the park). That was a first and a fun time. Before the game started, we walked around the ballpark and checked out the Giants Wall of Fame (or whatever they call it). We got lots of comments on our Gamer Babe shirts (see above picture). It was such an amazing day. I couldn't have asked for more. But wait...there's more!

After spending the night in the awesome Giants suite, we checked out and met Shari's husband, Chris, for lunch. Then we went back to the ballpark and went across the bridge to see the Willie McCovey statue and awards plaques. That was pretty cool. We spent quite a bit of time just enjoying the weather and the water. Right before we went on this walk, we went to McDonald's to get a drink and use the bathroom. This dude/employee of SF Giants was looking at his phone and at us. It was a little weird, but people had been looking at us all day because of our Giants garb. A little bit later, he came up and said that he had a picture to show us. It was of some totally dressed up Giants fans. It was us! He had taken out picture a few months before because of how Giants-up we were. So we took a picture with him, and then a picture of the picture he took of us. It was really weird and funny and totally random. (I don't have those pictures yet.)

After we chilling out at the McCovey statue, we went to the store and then to the Public House to meet other Gamer Babes. While we were there we saw Robbie Thompson (I probably spelled his name wrong.) Then Mike LaCoss came and joined us. He's a friend of the main Gamer Babe. We got our picture with him, and I made my mom run over to the store and buy me a baseball...so I could get an autograph as well. We got to talk to him and the Gamer Babes until the gates opened for the game. It was so cool. I got to thank the main Gamer Babe for her group. I told her that it had come at the perfect moment for me. (She knew what the day was for me...my anniversary.) In case you didn't know, Mike LaCoss was a pitcher for the Giants. He was in the '89 World Series...I didn't tell him that I was an A's fan at that time.

Now we are at our 2nd Giants game in a row. We got seats in the Arcade. When we got there we realized that we were directly above the Ks that get turned over during the game. We tried to reach them, but we were too short. The Ks kept getting closer and closer. We asked some other people to turn it over for us, but they left. The next K was going to be Shari's...and the game ended! Whew! After the game, the people next to us pulled up a K to take a picture with it. So we asked to do the same after them. They kindly took our picture for us. Sadly the Giants lost this game. That was the only downer during the entire trip. Everything else was absolutely perfect. I know a bunch of you were praying. I found it amusing that there was probably people praying for the Giants to win just so I'd have a nice trip. Thanks friends.

So...I chose joy this entire trip. I chose not to have any sad or negative thoughts. I enjoyed every moment. I enjoyed hearing Tony's favorite songs. I enjoyed hearing "our" song...one of them. I enjoyed thinking of Tony. I chose joy.                                            JOY


P.S. Here's the morbid Brignolio humor...turn away now if it will offend you.

Tony made everything a contest, so I said, "I made it to my 22nd Anniversary! Tony didn't, but I did. I win!"