I'm writing about music, so I don't have to title this "Bah Humbug" or "Merry F***ing Christmas." Sorry about those two titles. Those are my true, down deep feelings.
On to MUSIC. One of the first things I noticed immediately following Tony's death was that I didn't have a song in my head. I begged myself to come up with a song. I'm standing outside the hospital, waiting for my kids and parents to arrive, trying not to hurl, and I'm begging myself to come up with a song...any song. My mind was a complete blank...no music, no lyrics, nothing. That is really weird for me. I usually have at least one song in my head at all times. My mind felt so blank.
Slowly, the music came back. Julia helped me with that by bonding over One Direction. That was very good for both of us. We healed, laughed, learned, sang, danced, and actually enjoyed life to One Direction. I truly thank God for One Direction. That sounds kinda silly, but it's true. I had a hard time with Christian music. So much of it is "mindless." I'm not sure that's the correct word. There's a song with the lyrics "oh, death, where is your sting" or something like that. I would yell in my head and point to myself. Duh, the sting of death is right hear. This is not a "ha ha against death" song. There is genuine pain in death. I understand the real meaning behind the words, but I hated that song. I usually had to leave or change the channel if that song came on. There are many other songs I have a problem with now, but that's the one I remember the most. Other songs remind me of Tony...sometimes that's good, sometimes that's not good. I listen to music I hated before because Tony liked it. I enjoyed a Metallica concert because they sang one of Tony's favorite songs...that was weird for me. But I could remember sitting on the couch and talking about that song.
Christmas songs have been the worst. I cannot stand to listen to Christmas songs. Christmas has always been my favorite holiday. This year I am dreading it. So far the only song I can handle is "Last Christmas" but only the Wham! version. Our worship leader, Bryan, was singing Christmas songs after youth group this week, and I enjoyed those...so that's good. It might have been because I adore Bryan, and I love his singing. I also loved that he didn't know the words and would just go with it. That made me laugh.
The only time I can sing Christian music out loud has been at youth group. I think it has to do with the kids looking to me to see what I will do. I have always stepped it up when in charge of kids. I often do things I wouldn't normally do when I'm in a "teacher" position. Generally I can sing it in my head, but the words just cannot come out my mouth. That also has been weird. I don't have a reason for this, and I haven't been able to force myself to sing out loud...truly weird. I wonder when I will be able to sing again...by sing, I mean Christian songs...I have no problem singing non-Christian songs...weird...I have an idea why but I'm not ready to get into that right now...
So, to end this, I would like to wish you all a Merry Christmas. I truly hope you have a wonderful holiday. I will be trying to survive it. We are doing something "new" for Christmas this year, so that's good. I'm not in the mood to talk about last Christmas or this Christmas, so there you have it.
I am choosing joy by waking up each day for at least a couple of hours. I choose joy by turning on my "survival" attitude to get through Christmas. I choose joy by hanging out with girlfriends even when it might be out of my comfort zone (Thank you, ladies, for Bunco night). I choose joy by listening to 1D. I choose joy by hanging out with my kids. I choose joy by doing stupid things. I choose joy by choosing to laugh...a lot...and loudly...and enjoying it. JOY
