I haven't written in a long time. Mostly because my health has been terrible. The other reason is because I feel like I'm such a downer...telling everyone that being a widow doesn't get better...at least not in 2 years...in some ways it's worse.
I've had bad health most of my life. In the last 7ish years, I've had to schedule my daily and weekly plans to make sure I had enough energy to do any activity and enough time to recover after. When Tony died, my health improved...it felt weird. I had the normal grief health problems, but the chronic health problems were gone. I thanked God constantly. It was so nice not to have these health problems after so many years. Then, at almost exactly the one year anniversary of Tony's death, my health deteriorated. All the old health problems were back. This year, as we were moving closer to the second anniversary, my body started to just shut down. I kept having all these really random problems with my health. I finally found out that your body can grieve as well as your mind. My body was grieving. It was terrible.I haven't experienced anything to awful with my health...ever. Now my body is back to normal...the normal of before Tony's death...the normal that included chronic health problems. My newest one is an eye problem. After complaining for many years about my eyes, my eye doctor finally told me that I have eye damage that can't be repaired...if something doesn't improve, i will go blind. One eye is already starting to go blind. Yay!!! I don't really want to talk about it.
So there's the update. How did I choose joy? I don't really anymore. I just make sure I wake up at least once a day, and eat once a day. That's it. JOY
