Uncomfortable Blog

I have no idea what I really want to write about. Well, I do...but I am not too keen on posting it. Julia reminded me that I can write it but not publish it. 

The SF Giants just made it to the World Series. I should be happy, but I'm sad. Am I sad or just feeling sad because of all the yucky stuff that's happening?

I've been coming up with tons of horrendous halloween costumes...really they are Brignolio humor awesome...pregnant lady, grim reaper, Jony (half Tony/half Joy), Mrs. Claus, disco king with my own disco ball balloon and leisure suit....I could go on.....

The real thing I'm struggling with is that I'm missing Tony in a physical sense. Watch out...this may be PG-13. I am now pretending that no one will be reading this. I don't talk about this kind of stuff. I only started talking about this stuff when I realized that my kids will hear it from somebody, and I'd rather it be me that they hear it from. Really all I'm craving is a long, non-safe-place hug (for all of you not working in the Children's Department at BNC, a safe place hug is a one-armed side hug) and possible a toe-curling kiss. I know me though. If a kiss can make my toes curl, I would probably want more (I've been married...I've enjoyed what comes next.) I wouldn't do anything about it, but my brain would focus on it for a long time. It would make it so much worse and so uncomfortable to be in my brain. So it's not going to happen. I sarcastically thought about putting an ad out for a dude who would give me a no-strings-attached long hug and fab kiss. The requirements would be a man not related to me, nowhere close to my son's age, not married or dating, cute would be a bonus, undecided about facial hair, taller than me (should be easy), not smelly...that's as far as I made it on the requirements. If you would like to apply for the job, feel free to text me at 925-628-NotHappening. I would really prefer someone who looks like Tony, acts like Tony, smells like Tony.....is Tony. Anything else is a bit creepy (I was going to say nasty, but that made me feel a bit uncomfortable...having been married to Tony...it would have been accompanied by a snicker). But this craving is causing this massive ache inside. My heart just hurts so much. I start crying as I write this because the ache is so strong, so painful. I have taken moments to hang out with guys just so I can remember what it was like to be around my man. I still love my man ferociously, so anyone else is just yucky physically. I begin to wonder if I will ever feel loved again, if someone will look at me with that complete love and adoration in their eyes. I have had the ultimate dream, a man who thought I was pretty, who loved me when I didn't love myself, who looked out for me, who tried to fix all things for me... Will I ever get to feel this again? Do I want to feel this again? It obviously won't be Tony, so I don't know if I even want it. I want to be loved, but I want to be loved by Tony.

This is definitely the hardest blog I have written. The others may have been yucky or painful, but this one has me sobbing. I'm hoping that by writing it, I will be able to move on. That has been the pattern from the past. So here's hoping that I will be able to give up this craving. That it will be subdued. Life was not always good with Tony. We had many terrible years, but the last ones we finally made it to heaven on earth (if you ignore watching your husband deteriorate mentally and physically).

So, how have I chosen joy? I haven't really. I don't have enough energy to fight for joy. I have woken up each day, eaten at least one meal each day, and fought hard to find things funny (sometimes hilariously funny) (sometimes inappropriately funny...sorry to those who I was inappropriate with...with my words), worked out at the gym, hung out with my kids (have I said lately how awesome my kids are?), tried to enjoy the Giants games....... So, I guess, in a weird way, that's as much choosing joy as I can at the moment.

So, there you go. Will I hit the publish button or not? At this moment, I'm not sure. Originally I said no. Now I might just so my brain will shut up. Please don't look at me funny. Don't give me the look. Don't make fun of me...unless I'm in a good mood...I love laughing. That's it.                              JOY