I have decided that I don't miss my husband. I have also decided that it's okay to not miss him. However, it feels weird. It also feels like it should be wrong to not miss him...so soon...he was my one and only...
There's one thing that I have not accepted...how he died. I still get frightfully angry about that. I get angry that a company can have that much power, can neglect someone who they are supposed to be helping, and then not accept the consequences/guilt/whatever you want to call it and probably continue to do it to other innocent people. I walk around life these days, and the word that keeps yelling at me is NEGLECT. It hurts, and it makes me angry.
After I wrote my last blog post, I talked to my parents. I told them about this frustration with the negligence. My dad told me I needed to write about it. I feel like I've written about it and talked about it, but I don't know if I really have...at least the part of how I'm dealing with it during the acceptance step.
I have experienced guilt during the acceptance step. Now I'm experiencing anger during this acceptance step. Sometimes it feels like I'm not really at the acceptance step since I'm still feeling guilt and anger. I want to bargain with God about the negligence. That also doesn't feel like it should be a step in acceptance. According to my therapist/counselor/friend, this is quite normal...and part of acceptance. I have also talked to my fellow widows, and they also say it's normal...so I guess I should just believe them and continue on.
The problem with this anger, though, is that it is quite debilitating. I want to sleep constantly. I want to cry. I have a hard time turning myself "on" for other people. Usually Youth Group is an easy time to turn "on" my social skills and have a happy, laughing time. Tonight it was very hard to turn "on." I had to actually step away and try to refocus. I felt like I needed a million super big hugs to get moving. Of course, once I was "on" it was easy to stay "on." I'm not sure if this is even something that others can understand. Sometimes I just have to talk myself into being social. It's really hard. I haven't had it this bad in a really long time, though. Once again, it feels like a giant step backwards. I know it's not...but try convincing my brain of that.
Speaking of brains...I feel like I'm seeing them everywhere. I saw someone looking at a bunch of pictures. Eventually I figured out that it was different pictures of trees. I saw brains. Who sees that? I do. I've seen a few too many brains lately, I guess. I've seen Tony's, and now I've seen Julia's...in pictures. It feels weird that instead of seeing something normal like a tree, I'm seeing brains. It makes me feel odd...I feel like I shouldn't even be writing this because it's so weird and odd... Anyone want to see either of their brains...they are quite lovely...I never thought brains were cool looking until recently...
So back to anger...sometimes I wish I had that special person who comes along and sees my story. They have power, and help make it better. They get people hearing about what an awful company I had to deal with and make sure no one else has to deal with this as well. I'm probably feeling the negligence right now because I'm being hammered with a bunch of unexpected expenses. I'm dealing with dentists for Jeremiah. I'm dealing with Julia's insurance, trying to get them to pay for her medical bills...I thought it was all taken care of...now I'm having to jump through hoops.I'm dealing with a car that's being a pain...hopefully it's just a battery...but I keep putting it off because it's stressful. We had a beautiful 3 week summer vacation 2.0, and I'm trying not to regret it. Family and friends donated lots of money to make sure my kids had a relaxing time of fun and encouragement. It worked. Now I have to not regret spending money on that instead of bills. So then I get angry because of the power trip this company is on...at least that's how it feels. I accept that they killed my husband. I just wish that they would accept it, too. It makes me feel alone and used.
I don't feel like writing anymore... So how am I choosing joy? I am enjoying my kids. I am working with a bunch of awesome youth. I work hard to be "on" so I can laugh and have fun. But sometimes, I don't choose joy. I just can't. I don't have the energy. Then I just take a breath, and try to wait for when I can. JOY