2015

Last year, I made some New Year's Resolutions. I looked over them. Now let's evaluate them.

For the first time ever I made New Year's Resolutions. Here they are.

     1. Go to at least 2 Giants games.

     2. Take a nap instead of working.

     3. Take a nap at work (I will clock out.).

     4. Wake up at least once a day.

     5. Eat at least once a day.

     6. Use the bathroom at least once a day.

     7. Get a tattoo.

     8. Dream about getting a house.

     9. Save at least $1 a month.

     10. Have a car that runs well (A/C, heater, power steering, and defroster).

     11. Work out at least once a week.

     12. Eat at Johnny Rockets at least once a quarter.

     13. Come up with 2 more resolutions.

There...15 resolutions for '15.

Oh, I just thought of another one.

     14. Choose joy at least once a month.

Now I only need one more. Cool. How about...

     15. Eat chocolate every day.

I had no problem with 1, 2, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 10, 12, and 13.

I didn't do 3, 9, 11, and 15.

I don't know if I did 14.

I was just going to re-write these resolutions out for this year, but I don't think I'm going to get a tattoo this year. I'm going to stop at 2 for awhile. I also don't want to think about getting a house...or moving...or anything that has to do with that. It's too stressful.I don't have money for a house, and moving expenses would take out the rest of my savings. My savings are quite low after all of the unexpected expenses.

This year has been interesting. I had my first alone trip. I made it to the year anniversary of the death of my husband...and survived. We moved into a house. Julia got sick and spent over 3 weeks in the hospital. We missed our summer concerts. Family and friends got together and sent us on vacations including seeing One Direction in Boston! We spent Thanksgiving in Disneyland. I invited family over to my place for part of Christmas. Now I'm having my first alone New Year's Eve...and I'm okay with that.

I've got through many stages of grief this year. I thought I had made it to acceptance. It felt good but scary. Then...I got to take the wonderful steps backwards and experience grief all over again...right from the beginning. I bargained with God again...although I really didn't do that too much at first. I got to be angry and then depressed again. I missed Tony so much that I sobbed...big, fat, ugly cry tears. I got to experience that moment when you see/hear something and turn to tell your main man...and then realize that he's not here...and hasn't been for almost 2 years...and realize for a moment you got to be married again to your soulmate...sweet, amazing misery...but I got to feel that feeling of being married again to the man I met at 18 and was with until I was 40...that was actually quite amazing...it was worth the pain...I'd love to have another moment like that...it was actually awesome enough that it didn't even feel that painful.

I decided that I'd end the year with things I'm thankful for and then some resolutions.

I'm thankful for my family and friends, my church family, my Relay for Life family, the SF Giants, One Direction, my new-to-me car, a house to live in, my daughter being alive, my daughter not having brain damage, an amazing trip to Boston, getting to see Rachel, the 1D boys loving on my girl, Harry Styles flirting with my mom, family time, Legoland, Disneyland, Flo's V-8 Cafe's authentic Thanksgiving dinner, awkward and loving it children, my kids' friends, a job that's mostly enjoyable, crafts, diet coke, uncrustables, random strangers who make our pictures funny and awesome, the colors orange and purple and probably teal/turquoise, glow in the dark, iPhones, toilet paper, contact lenses, sensitive skin soaps and shampoos, computers, pets, backyards, heaters, air conditioners, electricity, my son who helps me be a working, single mom, humor, my therapist/counselor/friend, cameras, adult coloring books, books, Domino's, etc. I'm going to stop there.

Resolutions for 2016:

1. Wake up at least once a day.

2. Go to 2 Giants games.

3. Eat at least once a day.

4. Work out at least once every two weeks.

5. Take my vitamins at least 4 times a week.

6. Love my kids.

7. Survive...this one is optional...jk

I don't feel like doing any more resolutions. I hate them. This year they are making me feel depressed, so I will stop.

I've gone over quite a few different things in this blog, so I will stop this also. How did I choose joy? I wrote my thankful for list. I made resolution...yes, they were easy...but I did it. I survived last year. So there you have it. I probably forgot a lot of stuff..but oh, well.                                                                                JOY

Circle of Grief

I really like making my blog titles to remind me of songs or movies or stuff like that. It makes it more enjoyable...at least for me.

I got slightly excited and a bit weirded out by feeling like I was making it to the acceptance stage of grief. I was told that I could take a step back and go back through all the stages again or do all the stages but in the context of acceptance. I was totally excited about that...read with sarcasm. So, I decided that the beginning of grief was really fun, and I missed it so much. I decided to visit it again. I am all the way back to the beginning. I have had the absolute agonizing physical pain that comes with grief. I begin the think, which turns into wanting to cry, which turns into wanting to sob, which turns into the ragged-horrible ugly cry, which turns into the stabbing physical pain that just makes me want to scream out loud in agony. I feel the need to pace...the last time I did that was at the beginning of grief...by beginning, I mean the first week through the first few months. I didn't think I would ever go back that far. I feel really lucky to get to experience this again...please read with extreme sarcasm.

I believe it has to do with the holiday. It also has to do with feeling inadequate being a single, working mom. It also has to do with memories that keep coming up around this time. It also has to do with the neglect I've been feeling towards the insurance company. The only problem with the anger towards their neglect is that I am beginning to neglect my kids because of being a single, working mom...which makes me angry at myself...which makes me think back on what I had before...even when I had to neglect the kids with work, they still had dad to be with them...now they don't have either of us. Before you all start saying, "No, you are doing a great job.", you need to know that I am back to losing my relationship with my kids. We are still doing fine, but we aren't getting to hang out as much. They aren't sharing as much. I don't really have that much time with them. I'm having to re-evaluate my life and my commitments. I think I'm going to have to give up part of me to make sure that I don't lose my kids' part of my life. I'm nervous about what I will be giving up...what the consequences will be...but for my kids well-being, it should be worth it. I only have two teenagers for 7 months total, and I only have 5 more years until both my kids are adults. I think I can survive this. It might suck, but I think I can come out on the other side alive.

Anyway, grief is fun. I was just going to write my blog about how it's been at least a year and a half...suck it up...get over it...quit being a baby and get on with life...you have work and kids and friends that are being neglected, get a grip... Now, I'm just going to ignore most of that and get back to just trying to wake up at least once a day, eat at least once a day, enjoy my kids as much as possible, and survive. Sorry to disappoint everybody, but acceptance doesn't happen quickly, grief doesn't end miraculously at the year-aversary or at the year and a half mark, and maybe not even at the two year mark. I think I'm the most disappointed at this fact. I was looking forward to acceptance...kinda.

So how do I choose joy? I don't know.                                                JOY