I thought the "Year-Mark" was going to have a magical moment when things would feel a bit better. I thought wrong. It's just another day...but a day full of reminders...not good ones. Reminders of giving him a hug goodbye (okay, that one is good)...figuring out when to meet Tony, get the kids, and what we were going to eat for dinner...of a phone call...looking for his kindle because he might get bored in the hospital...calling my mom to keep my kids just a little longer...driving to the hospital...seeing his ambulance just waiting at the back doors of the hospital and nobody getting out...getting the look when I checked in at the hospital...getting to have two people to walk me down the hallway to explain about my husband...hearing them working on my husband on the other side of the curtain...calling my mom that she needed to get the kids to the hospital...getting tons of the look...getting told that they are going to have to stop working on him and call it...calling my mom and telling her they didn't need to hurry...hearing them call it (time of death)...waiting while they cleaned him up so I could see him...seeing him...hurrying outside so I could hurl...being extremely hot...waiting for family.........
I also remembered who I was before and who I am now. Before: I accepted stress like it was a competition. Now: Stress happens. Before: I was concerned with "not causing others to stumble in their faith" even to an extreme. Now: I believe that the key to life is to love. Everything else is second. Before: I DID NOT swear. Now: I'm not opposed to swearing. Before: Raunchy jokes are NOT good. Now: I'm not opposed to raunchy jokes; I may even tell some. Before: I was usually too tired or didn't have time to hang with my kids. Now: My kids are the most important thing in my life. Before: I was very strict; following the rules was most important. Now: I'm more flexible; bending the rules is acceptable at times. Before: Public embarassment is not okay. Now: Public embarassment is pretty awesome...especially if it makes the kids laugh. So there are good and not so good differences. Do I like these differences? Are these "now" things okay? I'm not completely sure what I think of the new me.
I remember all the "firsts" and all the accomplishments.
BNC Oscars
Job Upgrade
Throwing the First Pitch for a Baseball Game
Relay for Life
Santa Cruz trip
Creating a Budget
My First Child's Graduation from High School
HS Graduation Party
College Orientation for the Boy Child
Other Boy Child's Graduation from Marine Boot Camp
Father/Daughter Dance
One Direction Concert
Ambulance Ride
Joined a Gym
Got a Personal Trainer
Birthdays, Anniversaries, Funerals, Trips, Holidays, etc. I wrote about many others on my other blog posts.
The year-mark ended up being much harder than expected...and the pain lasted longer than expected. I finally had to realize that the year-mark was causing me such depression that I had to pay attention to it so it didn't move into suicide. It was relatively close...not to the act, but to the momentum that would take me to the act of suicide. My counselor/therapist/friend helped me see how far I was. Once I acknowledged it, I was able to deal with it. Once I dealt with it, it got better. I'm still not awesome, just not on the path to suicide. In some way this year is worse than last year...nothing can top last year.
So how did I choose joy during the year-mark? I didn't. I chose not to have joy. I chose to sleep and cry and barely survive. I chose to neglect others...well, that's not exactly a choice...it just happened...because I neglected people. So now I'm trying to figure out who I am now that I'm 41 and a widow, without a home, with 2 kids, and if I like that person. Don't worry; I mostly like her. And now I might start choosing joy again...probably will...definitely will...yep. JOY
I love you mom
Thursday, February 26, 2015
Monday, January 26, 2015
Strong vs. Broken
Most of my days I live in the "new normal" phase. Life is life. I just walk through it and live it. I am neither strong nor weak. I am neither super happy nor super sad. Life would probably be easier if I could live every day like this. But I love the "strong" days. They are so awesome. But I HATE the "weak/broken" days. I would rather do 100 blah days than one moment of a weak/broken day.
STRONG
Recently I had an awesome "strong" couple of days. I went on my first alone vacation. I was offered the rest of a friend's week at their timeshare. All of my friends had just started back to work or their kids had just started school after the holidays. My kids didn't really want to go with me. (They were going to go with me, but only because they felt guilty and didn't want me to go alone.) I decided that I needed to try this alone thing sometime. So I headed up to Arnold...alone...if you hadn't figured that out.
I went to the market to stock up on some food. Then I vegged out at the cabin for a day and a half. I watched 7-8 movies and read 2 books over the entire trip. It was awesome. I loved it. It was short enough that I didn't have time to get annoyed with myself or go stir crazy.
I really wanted to go to the redwoods, but I was nervous. On the last full day, I decided that I would annoy myself if I didn't make it to the redwoods. So off I went to Calaveras State Park. I got quite a few looks. I guess it's unusual to go alone especially if you are a woman. I went to the gift shop/museum. All 3 people working stopped and stared when I entered. Oh, I guess I should tell you that I was in short sleeves and everyone else was bundled up in jackets, scarves, and gloves. (I honestly didn't think it was that cold...one of the side effects of grief for me.) That might have been why they stopped and stared. Whatever.
I ended up taking the walk through the woods. It was so beautiful. I could hear people around me, but I stayed away from most everyone. I also got stares when I passed groups of people...that one was because I was alone. At one time during the walk, I was completely alone...I was checking out the nature...enjoying the animals. I realized that I was able to do this because I was alone. The birds and squirrels came out and played because I was quiet and still. The best part was when a woodpecker came out to join me. He was so close to me. He was beautiful. This is one of the animals I have always wanted to see. He kept hopping around the trees, pecking at them...it was awesome. I had an amazing experience in nature, thanking God for allowing me to have this moment.
I tried to take selfies of myself with the redwoods because that's all I could do. I wanted desperately to have my picture taken in one of the trees. I ended up waiting around for forever until someone finally showed up. I almost gave up because it was taking so long for someone to come. But I got it. I also got the "wow, you're alone! you are brave." I pretty much agree on that. It felt good.
WEAK/BROKEN
Right now I am feeling broken. I am moving toward the year anniversary date of Tony's death, but I'm doing it kicking and screaming and sobbing. This is much harder than I expected. Julia and I decided that in some ways it feels like he just died a month ago, and other times it feels like it's been 5 years. The closer I get to February 12th, the angrier I get and the more I just want to break out into sobs...no matter where I am. I am back to just wanting to sleep. If I sleep, I don't have to acknowledge...I don't have to think...I can pretend...I don't have to make decisions...I don't have to work so hard at living life.
I have been going through Tony's papers because I have a deposition coming up. The lawyers have decided that they want to hear from me. I'm quite nervous about it. So I was in a back corner of McDonald's (I thought I could hide there) and I came across papers with Tony's doodles on it. Along with several shapes and drawings, he had written my name two different ways. I lost it. I tried to hold it in, but noooooo, I had to go sobbing...loudly...poor dude who was kinda near me. It was the ugly cry...in public...awesome...that awesome was sarcastic.
Other things that happen when I'm having weak moments...everything is overly emotional. I listen to a song and cry. I watch a movie and cry. My kids do something awesome, and I cry. Okay, sometimes I don't actually cry. I'm getting good at bottling it up and just letting the eyes get weepy-looking. (I feel I need to remind you that when I cry I get red-faced, splotchy...that's why it's called the ugly cry...besides the ugly sounds I make.) It super sucks. I hate crying. I hate the weak days. I don't even want to write about them...if I could remember them...I kinda block them out of my memory.
So there you have it. The topic that has been bothering me for weeks. So how do I choose joy in the middle of the weak times (it's easy to choose joy during the strong tmes)? I don't really know. It's hard to choose joy when all you want to do is sleep. I guess I choose joy by continuing to do daily activities. I choose joy by hanging with my kids. I choose joy by attending plays that one of "my kids" is in. I choose joy by loving on others...as much as I am able. I guess that's it. I wake up, and I try...sometimes. JOY
STRONG
Recently I had an awesome "strong" couple of days. I went on my first alone vacation. I was offered the rest of a friend's week at their timeshare. All of my friends had just started back to work or their kids had just started school after the holidays. My kids didn't really want to go with me. (They were going to go with me, but only because they felt guilty and didn't want me to go alone.) I decided that I needed to try this alone thing sometime. So I headed up to Arnold...alone...if you hadn't figured that out.
I went to the market to stock up on some food. Then I vegged out at the cabin for a day and a half. I watched 7-8 movies and read 2 books over the entire trip. It was awesome. I loved it. It was short enough that I didn't have time to get annoyed with myself or go stir crazy.
I really wanted to go to the redwoods, but I was nervous. On the last full day, I decided that I would annoy myself if I didn't make it to the redwoods. So off I went to Calaveras State Park. I got quite a few looks. I guess it's unusual to go alone especially if you are a woman. I went to the gift shop/museum. All 3 people working stopped and stared when I entered. Oh, I guess I should tell you that I was in short sleeves and everyone else was bundled up in jackets, scarves, and gloves. (I honestly didn't think it was that cold...one of the side effects of grief for me.) That might have been why they stopped and stared. Whatever.
I ended up taking the walk through the woods. It was so beautiful. I could hear people around me, but I stayed away from most everyone. I also got stares when I passed groups of people...that one was because I was alone. At one time during the walk, I was completely alone...I was checking out the nature...enjoying the animals. I realized that I was able to do this because I was alone. The birds and squirrels came out and played because I was quiet and still. The best part was when a woodpecker came out to join me. He was so close to me. He was beautiful. This is one of the animals I have always wanted to see. He kept hopping around the trees, pecking at them...it was awesome. I had an amazing experience in nature, thanking God for allowing me to have this moment.
I tried to take selfies of myself with the redwoods because that's all I could do. I wanted desperately to have my picture taken in one of the trees. I ended up waiting around for forever until someone finally showed up. I almost gave up because it was taking so long for someone to come. But I got it. I also got the "wow, you're alone! you are brave." I pretty much agree on that. It felt good.
WEAK/BROKEN
Right now I am feeling broken. I am moving toward the year anniversary date of Tony's death, but I'm doing it kicking and screaming and sobbing. This is much harder than I expected. Julia and I decided that in some ways it feels like he just died a month ago, and other times it feels like it's been 5 years. The closer I get to February 12th, the angrier I get and the more I just want to break out into sobs...no matter where I am. I am back to just wanting to sleep. If I sleep, I don't have to acknowledge...I don't have to think...I can pretend...I don't have to make decisions...I don't have to work so hard at living life.
I have been going through Tony's papers because I have a deposition coming up. The lawyers have decided that they want to hear from me. I'm quite nervous about it. So I was in a back corner of McDonald's (I thought I could hide there) and I came across papers with Tony's doodles on it. Along with several shapes and drawings, he had written my name two different ways. I lost it. I tried to hold it in, but noooooo, I had to go sobbing...loudly...poor dude who was kinda near me. It was the ugly cry...in public...awesome...that awesome was sarcastic.
Other things that happen when I'm having weak moments...everything is overly emotional. I listen to a song and cry. I watch a movie and cry. My kids do something awesome, and I cry. Okay, sometimes I don't actually cry. I'm getting good at bottling it up and just letting the eyes get weepy-looking. (I feel I need to remind you that when I cry I get red-faced, splotchy...that's why it's called the ugly cry...besides the ugly sounds I make.) It super sucks. I hate crying. I hate the weak days. I don't even want to write about them...if I could remember them...I kinda block them out of my memory.
So there you have it. The topic that has been bothering me for weeks. So how do I choose joy in the middle of the weak times (it's easy to choose joy during the strong tmes)? I don't really know. It's hard to choose joy when all you want to do is sleep. I guess I choose joy by continuing to do daily activities. I choose joy by hanging with my kids. I choose joy by attending plays that one of "my kids" is in. I choose joy by loving on others...as much as I am able. I guess that's it. I wake up, and I try...sometimes. JOY
Friday, January 9, 2015
Thanks to the SF Giants
This is a blog I've wanted to write for a few months. This is my story as a fan. First I want to say thank you to my SF Giants, my Gamer Babes and Dudes, and my family and friends for helping me get through 2014. I was dreading October because it was Tony's bday, and the regular baseball season would be over.
So, here's my SF Giants story. It begins in 1991 when I met Tony, the man who would be my husband for 21 years. When we met, I was an A's fan (sorry). We quickly fell in love, and he informed me that I had to like the Giants now. Over the course of a few years, he showed me how awesome the Giants were. By the time we had our son, we were a Giants family. We even took our boy to the final game at Candlestick....one of my favorite memories.
Moving ahead to 2009...Tony was injured on the job. It was pretty bad. We realized that he wouldn't be able to do some of the things we loved to do together including going to games. He encouraged me to attend games with my girlfriends. So I would go to the game, and he would watch it or listen to it. Then we could talk it over later. Because of this time with my girlfriends and chats with my husband I became a die hard, stat knowing, every player loving fan. (I do have a couple favorite favorite players...Jeremy Affeldt, Brandon Crawford...dude, I should probably just list off everyone...Buster, Matt, Hunter, Sergio, Joe, Brandon...... )
I got to attend the home opener in 2010. I become pathetically superstitious. What a great year for our Giants. What a dream come true for my fellow fans. The Giants did it again in 2012...amazing!
Then 2014 arrived. My Tony wasn't doing so well. I had received my 6 pack of Giants tickets for Christmas as usual. February 12, 2014, my husband died, suddenly and unexpectedly. He was doing what he loved...helping coaching baseball at the local high school. Around the time the initial shock wore off, it was time to attend my first Giants game. I was happy for the normalcy of this. However, when an amazing play was made, I grabbed my phone to text my husband. The rest of the game was hard...so many firsts...hearing one of "our songs"... I was probably the only person there crying while everyone celebrated a win. The rest of the season went by, and I began to get back into fully enjoying the games. I started to dread September though because that's my anniversary month. I had a ticket to the game the day before my anniversary. I decided to celebrate and get tickets for my anniversary as well. What better way to celebrate your anniversary than with the Giants! I asked my fellow Gamer Babes if they had any ideas. They told me about the Dugout Suite at the Hotel Union Square. What a great place. My girlfriends and I booked the night. We did lots of Giantsy things around the city for my anniversary. Hotel Union Square and my Gamer Babes gave me presents and cards. It ended up being absolutely perfect. Thank you, Mary Rose Parkman, and the rest of of the Gamer Babes.
I had originally thought that the season would end in September. I wasn't looking forward to October (Tony's bday) and the rest of the holidays. So, of course, my SF Giants decided to help me out. They played and played and made it to the World Series. Then, they decided to help me out some more and made the series go 7 games...all the way to his bday. I know that they of course only did that for me...haha. I still want to say thank you. I honestly didn't know how I would make it through October. I got to talk about my man to whoever would listen (during the games). I had people cheering for the Giants who wouldn't normally be fans (just for me...this one is true...it really was just for me...they told me). I had Dodgers fans who weren't completely disgusted that we won the series because they were happy for me. It felt like the world around me unified. I felt so awe-struck that this would happen this year just when I needed it. It felt like it was all for me...I know it's not...I know others have stories...I know that none of the Giants knows I exist...but it was still amazing and awesome and I will claim that it was just for me.
So I want to say thank you to my family for being there for me. Thank you to my friends for putting up with me during this season. Thank you friends who aren't fans who rooted for my boys. Thank you to my girlfriends who stood beside me this year and let me cry at Giants games and helped me create new good memories. Thank you Gamer Babes and Dudes for loving on me and helping me feel connected to a bigger family. And finally, thank you, SF Giants for living out the "together" slogan. You really made it feel like we were family (while you did the hard work and we sat around yelling and screaming).
-JOY (a grateful fan)
So, here's my SF Giants story. It begins in 1991 when I met Tony, the man who would be my husband for 21 years. When we met, I was an A's fan (sorry). We quickly fell in love, and he informed me that I had to like the Giants now. Over the course of a few years, he showed me how awesome the Giants were. By the time we had our son, we were a Giants family. We even took our boy to the final game at Candlestick....one of my favorite memories.
Moving ahead to 2009...Tony was injured on the job. It was pretty bad. We realized that he wouldn't be able to do some of the things we loved to do together including going to games. He encouraged me to attend games with my girlfriends. So I would go to the game, and he would watch it or listen to it. Then we could talk it over later. Because of this time with my girlfriends and chats with my husband I became a die hard, stat knowing, every player loving fan. (I do have a couple favorite favorite players...Jeremy Affeldt, Brandon Crawford...dude, I should probably just list off everyone...Buster, Matt, Hunter, Sergio, Joe, Brandon...... )
I got to attend the home opener in 2010. I become pathetically superstitious. What a great year for our Giants. What a dream come true for my fellow fans. The Giants did it again in 2012...amazing!
Then 2014 arrived. My Tony wasn't doing so well. I had received my 6 pack of Giants tickets for Christmas as usual. February 12, 2014, my husband died, suddenly and unexpectedly. He was doing what he loved...helping coaching baseball at the local high school. Around the time the initial shock wore off, it was time to attend my first Giants game. I was happy for the normalcy of this. However, when an amazing play was made, I grabbed my phone to text my husband. The rest of the game was hard...so many firsts...hearing one of "our songs"... I was probably the only person there crying while everyone celebrated a win. The rest of the season went by, and I began to get back into fully enjoying the games. I started to dread September though because that's my anniversary month. I had a ticket to the game the day before my anniversary. I decided to celebrate and get tickets for my anniversary as well. What better way to celebrate your anniversary than with the Giants! I asked my fellow Gamer Babes if they had any ideas. They told me about the Dugout Suite at the Hotel Union Square. What a great place. My girlfriends and I booked the night. We did lots of Giantsy things around the city for my anniversary. Hotel Union Square and my Gamer Babes gave me presents and cards. It ended up being absolutely perfect. Thank you, Mary Rose Parkman, and the rest of of the Gamer Babes.
I had originally thought that the season would end in September. I wasn't looking forward to October (Tony's bday) and the rest of the holidays. So, of course, my SF Giants decided to help me out. They played and played and made it to the World Series. Then, they decided to help me out some more and made the series go 7 games...all the way to his bday. I know that they of course only did that for me...haha. I still want to say thank you. I honestly didn't know how I would make it through October. I got to talk about my man to whoever would listen (during the games). I had people cheering for the Giants who wouldn't normally be fans (just for me...this one is true...it really was just for me...they told me). I had Dodgers fans who weren't completely disgusted that we won the series because they were happy for me. It felt like the world around me unified. I felt so awe-struck that this would happen this year just when I needed it. It felt like it was all for me...I know it's not...I know others have stories...I know that none of the Giants knows I exist...but it was still amazing and awesome and I will claim that it was just for me.
So I want to say thank you to my family for being there for me. Thank you to my friends for putting up with me during this season. Thank you friends who aren't fans who rooted for my boys. Thank you to my girlfriends who stood beside me this year and let me cry at Giants games and helped me create new good memories. Thank you Gamer Babes and Dudes for loving on me and helping me feel connected to a bigger family. And finally, thank you, SF Giants for living out the "together" slogan. You really made it feel like we were family (while you did the hard work and we sat around yelling and screaming).
-JOY (a grateful fan)
Saturday, January 3, 2015
Christmas, New Year's Eve, and 2015
The time between Thanksgiving and New Year's has been extremely hard. I originally dreaded Christmas. Then we decided to go away for Christmas, and I began to get excited. I had a blast buying presents. Then, it got close to Christmas, and I just freaked. Both kids let me know they hated Christmas and didn't want to do it. I encouraged Julia to enjoy the season by getting her an advent calendar with a different nail polish or nail jewels each day. That seemed to work.
The Brignolio, Harvey, and Lyles clans stayed at a cabin in Twain Harte. It was interesting. We had a good time...especially with 16 people under one roof. The kids and I slept in the living room. It was comfortable, but very little privacy. The kids went to the snow for a tiny bit...the perfect amount of time. I slept. We crossed something off Tony's bucket list. I got to see an old friend.
This was the first New Year's Eve that I didn't spend the night at BNC's Youth Group All-nighter. I was mostly looking forward to it. Julia went with me. Miah worked it. I made it a little over an hour, and then I just couldn't do it anymore. I asked Bryan if I could let him down and go home. He said yes. I grabbed Julia, and we went home. Well, we stopped and bought donuts first. We watched the ball drop while Julia skyped with her friend. We had a good time, I think.
I'm having a difficult time thinking of 2015...at least these first two months. Last year at this time, I had to acknowledge that my husband wasn't going to get better...unless we had a miracle...or the insurance company approved something that helped him. In just a few weeks, I would watch my precious man begin his fast descent into miserableness. What do I remember about the Super Bowl last year? Tony didn't attend his friend's party because he was shaking so bad. He didn't mind his friend seeing him that way, but they had others over as well. He didn't like people seeing him so out of control. Shortly after that, I watched him act in his last performance. I watched from the audience, praying constantly that he wouldn't shake, that he would remember what he was supposed to say, that he'd be able to complete the performance, knowing that I'd have to talk to him about not performing anymore...soon I knew that I'd have to talk to him about probably stopping coaching baseball...and then it got worse...and then I got the phone call...
I wonder what year 2 will feel like. I wonder if it will be easier.
For the first time ever I made New Year's Resolutions. Here they are.
1. Go to at least 2 Giants games.
2. Take a nap instead of working.
3. Take a nap at work (I will clock out.).
4. Wake up at least once a day.
5. Eat at least once a day.
6. Use the bathroom at least once a day.
7. Get a tattoo.
8. Dream about getting a house.
9. Save at least $1 a month.
10. Have a car that runs well (A/C, heater, power steering, and defroster).
11. Work out at least once a week.
12. Eat at Johnny Rockets at least once a quarter.
13. Come up with 2 more resolutions.
There...15 resolutions for '15.
Oh, I just thought of another one.
14. Choose joy at least once a month.
Now I only need one more. Cool. How about...
15. Eat chocolate every day.
I like that one. Okay. Some of these will be easy. Some I hope will happen. Some I don't care if I fail them.
I choose joy by making stupid resolution. I chose joy by shooting nerds at people. I chose joy by learning how to shoot krabby patty containers with Julia. Yep. Most of my choosing joy things are silly and childish, but they make me laugh. My new life motto is "If I have to live, then I want to laugh." Maybe I should get that in tattoo version...lol...kinda...really just joking....... JOY
Sunday, December 21, 2014
Music
I'm writing about music, so I don't have to title this "Bah Humbug" or "Merry F***ing Christmas." Sorry about those two titles. Those are my true, down deep feelings.
On to MUSIC. One of the first things I noticed immediately following Tony's death was that I didn't have a song in my head. I begged myself to come up with a song. I'm standing outside the hospital, waiting for my kids and parents to arrive, trying not to hurl, and I'm begging myself to come up with a song...any song. My mind was a complete blank...no music, no lyrics, nothing. That is really weird for me. I usually have at least one song in my head at all times. My mind felt so blank.
Slowly, the music came back. Julia helped me with that by bonding over One Direction. That was very good for both of us. We healed, laughed, learned, sang, danced, and actually enjoyed life to One Direction. I truly thank God for One Direction. That sounds kinda silly, but it's true. I had a hard time with Christian music. So much of it is "mindless." I'm not sure that's the correct word. There's a song with the lyrics "oh, death, where is your sting" or something like that. I would yell in my head and point to myself. Duh, the sting of death is right hear. This is not a "ha ha against death" song. There is genuine pain in death. I understand the real meaning behind the words, but I hated that song. I usually had to leave or change the channel if that song came on. There are many other songs I have a problem with now, but that's the one I remember the most. Other songs remind me of Tony...sometimes that's good, sometimes that's not good. I listen to music I hated before because Tony liked it. I enjoyed a Metallica concert because they sang one of Tony's favorite songs...that was weird for me. But I could remember sitting on the couch and talking about that song.
Christmas songs have been the worst. I cannot stand to listen to Christmas songs. Christmas has always been my favorite holiday. This year I am dreading it. So far the only song I can handle is "Last Christmas" but only the Wham! version. Our worship leader, Bryan, was singing Christmas songs after youth group this week, and I enjoyed those...so that's good. It might have been because I adore Bryan, and I love his singing. I also loved that he didn't know the words and would just go with it. That made me laugh.
The only time I can sing Christian music out loud has been at youth group. I think it has to do with the kids looking to me to see what I will do. I have always stepped it up when in charge of kids. I often do things I wouldn't normally do when I'm in a "teacher" position. Generally I can sing it in my head, but the words just cannot come out my mouth. That also has been weird. I don't have a reason for this, and I haven't been able to force myself to sing out loud...truly weird. I wonder when I will be able to sing again...by sing, I mean Christian songs...I have no problem singing non-Christian songs...weird...I have an idea why but I'm not ready to get into that right now...
So, to end this, I would like to wish you all a Merry Christmas. I truly hope you have a wonderful holiday. I will be trying to survive it. We are doing something "new" for Christmas this year, so that's good. I'm not in the mood to talk about last Christmas or this Christmas, so there you have it.
I am choosing joy by waking up each day for at least a couple of hours. I choose joy by turning on my "survival" attitude to get through Christmas. I choose joy by hanging out with girlfriends even when it might be out of my comfort zone (Thank you, ladies, for Bunco night). I choose joy by listening to 1D. I choose joy by hanging out with my kids. I choose joy by doing stupid things. I choose joy by choosing to laugh...a lot...and loudly...and enjoying it. JOY
On to MUSIC. One of the first things I noticed immediately following Tony's death was that I didn't have a song in my head. I begged myself to come up with a song. I'm standing outside the hospital, waiting for my kids and parents to arrive, trying not to hurl, and I'm begging myself to come up with a song...any song. My mind was a complete blank...no music, no lyrics, nothing. That is really weird for me. I usually have at least one song in my head at all times. My mind felt so blank.
Slowly, the music came back. Julia helped me with that by bonding over One Direction. That was very good for both of us. We healed, laughed, learned, sang, danced, and actually enjoyed life to One Direction. I truly thank God for One Direction. That sounds kinda silly, but it's true. I had a hard time with Christian music. So much of it is "mindless." I'm not sure that's the correct word. There's a song with the lyrics "oh, death, where is your sting" or something like that. I would yell in my head and point to myself. Duh, the sting of death is right hear. This is not a "ha ha against death" song. There is genuine pain in death. I understand the real meaning behind the words, but I hated that song. I usually had to leave or change the channel if that song came on. There are many other songs I have a problem with now, but that's the one I remember the most. Other songs remind me of Tony...sometimes that's good, sometimes that's not good. I listen to music I hated before because Tony liked it. I enjoyed a Metallica concert because they sang one of Tony's favorite songs...that was weird for me. But I could remember sitting on the couch and talking about that song.
Christmas songs have been the worst. I cannot stand to listen to Christmas songs. Christmas has always been my favorite holiday. This year I am dreading it. So far the only song I can handle is "Last Christmas" but only the Wham! version. Our worship leader, Bryan, was singing Christmas songs after youth group this week, and I enjoyed those...so that's good. It might have been because I adore Bryan, and I love his singing. I also loved that he didn't know the words and would just go with it. That made me laugh.
The only time I can sing Christian music out loud has been at youth group. I think it has to do with the kids looking to me to see what I will do. I have always stepped it up when in charge of kids. I often do things I wouldn't normally do when I'm in a "teacher" position. Generally I can sing it in my head, but the words just cannot come out my mouth. That also has been weird. I don't have a reason for this, and I haven't been able to force myself to sing out loud...truly weird. I wonder when I will be able to sing again...by sing, I mean Christian songs...I have no problem singing non-Christian songs...weird...I have an idea why but I'm not ready to get into that right now...
So, to end this, I would like to wish you all a Merry Christmas. I truly hope you have a wonderful holiday. I will be trying to survive it. We are doing something "new" for Christmas this year, so that's good. I'm not in the mood to talk about last Christmas or this Christmas, so there you have it.
I am choosing joy by waking up each day for at least a couple of hours. I choose joy by turning on my "survival" attitude to get through Christmas. I choose joy by hanging out with girlfriends even when it might be out of my comfort zone (Thank you, ladies, for Bunco night). I choose joy by listening to 1D. I choose joy by hanging out with my kids. I choose joy by doing stupid things. I choose joy by choosing to laugh...a lot...and loudly...and enjoying it. JOY
Monday, November 24, 2014
If I Had a Voice
This is what I want to say, but I feel as if I have no
voice. This is to the lawyers, insurance adjusters, etc. who have been working
hard at making my life miserable. That’s just my opinion.
Five years ago, my husband was injured on the job. From the
moment I saw him after that injury, my life was forever changed. I had to
re-teach my husband the alphabet. I had to explain that he was a year and a
month behind in his memories. I had to show him pictures and tell him stories
of the things we had done and the places we had gone. I had to help him
remember to shut off the stove when he wanted to cook. I had to hope that when
he took the dogs for a walk, he would remember how to get back home. One day he
couldn’t remember how to get home. We used to love to window shop. I soon saw
my husband curled up on the floor of the mall because he couldn’t handle it
anymore.
Six months into the injury, he was finally approved for
Rehab Without Walls. I was so relieved seeing him start to get better. They
were teaching him how to retrain his brain and lots of other things. Then the
two week trial ended and didn’t get renewed. That’s the last improvement I ever
saw from my husband. Things consistently got worse. Soon we had to purchase a
motorized scooter, so he could attend day trips with the family. We had to plan
family times to only be two to three hours because he would pass out randomly
after that amount of time.
The last four months of his life were getting really bad. I
had to acknowledge that I no longer had a husband who could help me. I had a
husband who was physically there but not much else. His memory was horrendous.
He had false memories. He had many gaps in his memory. The kids felt like he
didn’t love them because he couldn’t remember what they said.
The last week and a half of his life was the worst thing I
have ever seen. He was constantly shaking. He had problems walking… Imagine being
woken up at 2am by your husband who is stuck in the living room. He can’t move
his feet. He’s stuck half way between the kitchen and the living room. He’s
shaking so hard that his snuggie is falling off, and he can’t move to put it
back on. I tried to help him move, but he just fell against a wall. How is a 5’
woman supposed to move a 6’ man? I know. This is just an emotional rant now.
I was told by the doctor who was with him when he died, that
I should have expected my husband to have a heart attack. I was told by another
doctor (after my husband died) that these things that were happening to him
during his last days were symptoms of a pending heart attack. These are things
I heard after he died. I had done everything I could to get these symptoms
checked. I rushed him to a doctor to be seen. I was told that they would ask
the insurance adjuster again, but that was all he could do. While waiting to
get these symptoms checked, my husband died. These were symptoms that had been
with him since the beginning of the injury. I have gone back and looked at his
records and can see where the doctor made a note of his shaking. Of course, by
the time he died the shaking was much more intense. I often wonder what would
have happened if we had received longer Rehab Without Wall. I also wonder what
would have happened if the doctor requests were approved instead of
consistently being denied.
I feel that an offer of $50,000 is a slap in the face to me
and my children. We are homeless right now because of what has happened with my
husband. We are still trying to piece our lives together. We lost almost
everything. Everything I own is in two storage units and a bedroom that my kids
and I live in. I know it’s not your job to care, but a fair offer would be four
and a half years of permanent disability instead of two years. Another
reasonable offer would be four and a half years of the salary he lost when he
was injured. If you truly want to pretend that you understand your part in my
husband’s disability, you could even offer a realistic amount of money.
Let me introduce you to my family. We were happy. We helped
out in our community. We loved each other. Now the father is dead. The mother
is having to learn how to be a single mom, juggling work with taking care of
the kids. The son is trying to be the man of the family now even though he lost
his childhood early. The daughter has extreme anxiety and cannot see a doctor
or therapist about it because it causes panic attacks. This is what I’m
striving for. I would love to have a realistic settlement, so I can focus on
raising my kids. I want to have time to be able to show and teach my son how to
be a man. I want to be able to show my daughter that life is safe because we
have a home to live in.
One last thing. I feel that for four and a half years we
fought so hard to be heard and helped. We were honest and truthful. We didn’t
make up things to try to get more money. We lived on what we were given. We got
rid of most of our bills including TV and internet. We worked on being
satisfied with what we had. I feel that you thought that we weren’t being
honest. Almost every doctor we dealt with saw who my husband was and saw his
disability. They all agreed that we were honest about what was going on. I can
show you proof through pictures and videos of the things I have been describing
as symptoms of his disability. We have been consistently honest, and I would
like you to acknowledge that by offering a reasonable settlement. That’s it. I
have tried to write this without a ton of emotions, but I am angry and hurt. It’s
only been 9 months. I am still working on figuring out my “new normal”
life. JOY
Monday, November 17, 2014
My New Life Motto (to go along with my new life)
I recently wrote on facebook that my new life motto is...If I have to live, then I want to laugh. This new motto just popped out of my mouth when I was with my personal trainer at the gym. (I have a personal trainer because I have no idea how to get into shape, and I have no idea how to use the machines.) We were talking about my road trip with the kids. I'll tell you about that in a little bit. She said that she was amazed at how much she laughs when she is with me...especially considering the fact that I am a recent widow. Then these infamous words popped out. The more I thought about them, the more I thought about how accurate they are. I am not really fond of living. I choose to live because I have two wonderful birth children who need me. I also have tons of other kids whom I love and would not want them to have to go through another death. There's other reasons why I choose to live, quite a few actually, but these are the top 2. Okay, fine...number 3 is for my family and friends...I wouldn't want to put another death on them either...
Laughing has become a major way of life for me. I've always liked to laugh, but I laughed most when I was with Tony. I liked to make people laugh, but I had limits as to what I would do. The new me LOVES to laugh. The new me NEEDS to laugh. I now do crazy things so I can laugh...especially if it will give me a fun memory. There's more to this, but I will wait until later to tell you what kind of crazy I have now done. I have noticed that I have changed...and not just a little...I am a new person...I'm not quite sure what I feel about that. One of the things that happened right after Tony died, was that my kids noticed where they missed their dad. It was the things he laughed at. It was the things he did to make them laugh. It was the things he did to make them feel special. They each asked me to allow them to say the "dad" things to me and try to have a "dad" reaction to them. It was hard at first. Now I realize that the new me does that. I have noticed that I say things that Tony would say because no one is there to say it. It just pops out. Half the time I will apologize for it, but the kids find it funny. I am finding that living this way is much less stressful...weird...who would have thought... Now I am doing things that Tony might have done...it just happens...or I just can't see a reason not to do it...to make people laugh...to cross something off the bucket list (mine or Tony's)...to just be able to laugh. I am enjoying those moments. I am enjoying those memories. I am amazed at my changes...sometimes I don't recognize myself.
Now, on to the road trip stories. I know you've been waiting anxiously for them. The trip originated with Jeremiah getting two tickets to see Craig Ferguson. Do not watch him just because I mentioned him. He has a filthy mouth and a raunchy sense of humor. He also has a "Brignolio" sense of humor. I accidently started my family watching him when one of my favorite bands was on his show. Tony loved the humor and started watching. He couldn't wait for the day when he was good enough (health-wise) to go see his show in person. Anyway, Jeremiah invited me to have his second ticket. I said, "YES!!!!! I mean, sure, honey, I will go along with you on a road trip." He admitted later that he invited me because he didn't have the money. I told him I knew that, but I wasn't going to give up an excuse to go on a trip my son invited me on. So that's how it began.
My son likes to do road trips differently than I do. If he sees something during the trip that intrigues him, he stops and checks it out. I now enjoy this way of travelling.We found many new and unusual things...things that others are curious about and never know what it is... It was pretty awesome. There's a western place at the Kettleman City exit on I5 that has a cute playground complete with old building facades with stairs and slides in them. This is a fun little stop. We found a random island that has a weird bridge connecting to it. We couldn't go on it...but we tried...we pretended we were just tourists taking pictures... Universal Studios is really where the crazy started. There's this video on youtube where 2 dudes connect hands going opposite ways on an escalator. Jeremiah said I should do this. I said, "You do it." So he did. He even looked into the other person's eyes as he did it. Then he said it was my turn.......oops.....what did I get myself into? So the first one (yes, first one) was a kids who had his hand out hanging over the edge. I reached out and grabbed his fingers. I couldn't look at him after that. After a few moments, I found it hilarious. Jeremiah enjoyed it. The next time I put my hand over on their hand rail...the lady gave me a weird look...then moved her hand...before she got to my hand. That was fun. And the final one (dun, dun, dun) was a bit unnverving. I slid my hand up this ladies hand...but I got my hand stuck in her bracelet...not planned...I was afraid she was going to think I was stealing her bracelet...... It was awesome...not...but I did find it hilarious...later. We also photo bombed as much as possible. We got sprayed with water on tons of rides (if you are Jeremiah, you got sprayed in the mouth every single time). We hung out with friends. We took selfies with famous people (in the wax museum). We took ridiculous pictures with celebs (in the wax museum). Then we drove north the get Julia and headed to Monterrey. The aquarium was really crowded, but the surrey was fun (it wasn't but I'm trying to be positive for the kids). We got retro candy. We went to the beach. We "accidently" walked through a photo shoot at the beach. Julia froze a wet wash cloth, and then stuck in on Jeremiah. They froze a block of ice and then threw it off the second floor of the hotel while they filmed it. This is the short version. We had a great time. We laughed. I realized I was different. I realized that I kinda liked the new me. I realized that my kids liked the new me.
Anyway...how did I choose joy? I chose joy when I allowed us to go driving without definitive plans and no reservations. I chose joy when I chose to do funny, stupid things. I chose joy when I didn't make us stay at the aquarium all day because "I spent so much money that we are going to enjoy ourselves until we have used up every ounce of the time." I chose joy when I rented a surrey even though I remembered how much I hate them. I chose joy by being flexible. I chose joy by finding things to laugh about and at. JOY
Laughing has become a major way of life for me. I've always liked to laugh, but I laughed most when I was with Tony. I liked to make people laugh, but I had limits as to what I would do. The new me LOVES to laugh. The new me NEEDS to laugh. I now do crazy things so I can laugh...especially if it will give me a fun memory. There's more to this, but I will wait until later to tell you what kind of crazy I have now done. I have noticed that I have changed...and not just a little...I am a new person...I'm not quite sure what I feel about that. One of the things that happened right after Tony died, was that my kids noticed where they missed their dad. It was the things he laughed at. It was the things he did to make them laugh. It was the things he did to make them feel special. They each asked me to allow them to say the "dad" things to me and try to have a "dad" reaction to them. It was hard at first. Now I realize that the new me does that. I have noticed that I say things that Tony would say because no one is there to say it. It just pops out. Half the time I will apologize for it, but the kids find it funny. I am finding that living this way is much less stressful...weird...who would have thought... Now I am doing things that Tony might have done...it just happens...or I just can't see a reason not to do it...to make people laugh...to cross something off the bucket list (mine or Tony's)...to just be able to laugh. I am enjoying those moments. I am enjoying those memories. I am amazed at my changes...sometimes I don't recognize myself.
Now, on to the road trip stories. I know you've been waiting anxiously for them. The trip originated with Jeremiah getting two tickets to see Craig Ferguson. Do not watch him just because I mentioned him. He has a filthy mouth and a raunchy sense of humor. He also has a "Brignolio" sense of humor. I accidently started my family watching him when one of my favorite bands was on his show. Tony loved the humor and started watching. He couldn't wait for the day when he was good enough (health-wise) to go see his show in person. Anyway, Jeremiah invited me to have his second ticket. I said, "YES!!!!! I mean, sure, honey, I will go along with you on a road trip." He admitted later that he invited me because he didn't have the money. I told him I knew that, but I wasn't going to give up an excuse to go on a trip my son invited me on. So that's how it began.
My son likes to do road trips differently than I do. If he sees something during the trip that intrigues him, he stops and checks it out. I now enjoy this way of travelling.We found many new and unusual things...things that others are curious about and never know what it is... It was pretty awesome. There's a western place at the Kettleman City exit on I5 that has a cute playground complete with old building facades with stairs and slides in them. This is a fun little stop. We found a random island that has a weird bridge connecting to it. We couldn't go on it...but we tried...we pretended we were just tourists taking pictures... Universal Studios is really where the crazy started. There's this video on youtube where 2 dudes connect hands going opposite ways on an escalator. Jeremiah said I should do this. I said, "You do it." So he did. He even looked into the other person's eyes as he did it. Then he said it was my turn.......oops.....what did I get myself into? So the first one (yes, first one) was a kids who had his hand out hanging over the edge. I reached out and grabbed his fingers. I couldn't look at him after that. After a few moments, I found it hilarious. Jeremiah enjoyed it. The next time I put my hand over on their hand rail...the lady gave me a weird look...then moved her hand...before she got to my hand. That was fun. And the final one (dun, dun, dun) was a bit unnverving. I slid my hand up this ladies hand...but I got my hand stuck in her bracelet...not planned...I was afraid she was going to think I was stealing her bracelet...... It was awesome...not...but I did find it hilarious...later. We also photo bombed as much as possible. We got sprayed with water on tons of rides (if you are Jeremiah, you got sprayed in the mouth every single time). We hung out with friends. We took selfies with famous people (in the wax museum). We took ridiculous pictures with celebs (in the wax museum). Then we drove north the get Julia and headed to Monterrey. The aquarium was really crowded, but the surrey was fun (it wasn't but I'm trying to be positive for the kids). We got retro candy. We went to the beach. We "accidently" walked through a photo shoot at the beach. Julia froze a wet wash cloth, and then stuck in on Jeremiah. They froze a block of ice and then threw it off the second floor of the hotel while they filmed it. This is the short version. We had a great time. We laughed. I realized I was different. I realized that I kinda liked the new me. I realized that my kids liked the new me.
Anyway...how did I choose joy? I chose joy when I allowed us to go driving without definitive plans and no reservations. I chose joy when I chose to do funny, stupid things. I chose joy when I didn't make us stay at the aquarium all day because "I spent so much money that we are going to enjoy ourselves until we have used up every ounce of the time." I chose joy when I rented a surrey even though I remembered how much I hate them. I chose joy by being flexible. I chose joy by finding things to laugh about and at. JOY
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