2015

Last year, I made some New Year's Resolutions. I looked over them. Now let's evaluate them.

For the first time ever I made New Year's Resolutions. Here they are.

     1. Go to at least 2 Giants games.

     2. Take a nap instead of working.

     3. Take a nap at work (I will clock out.).

     4. Wake up at least once a day.

     5. Eat at least once a day.

     6. Use the bathroom at least once a day.

     7. Get a tattoo.

     8. Dream about getting a house.

     9. Save at least $1 a month.

     10. Have a car that runs well (A/C, heater, power steering, and defroster).

     11. Work out at least once a week.

     12. Eat at Johnny Rockets at least once a quarter.

     13. Come up with 2 more resolutions.

There...15 resolutions for '15.

Oh, I just thought of another one.

     14. Choose joy at least once a month.

Now I only need one more. Cool. How about...

     15. Eat chocolate every day.

I had no problem with 1, 2, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 10, 12, and 13.

I didn't do 3, 9, 11, and 15.

I don't know if I did 14.

I was just going to re-write these resolutions out for this year, but I don't think I'm going to get a tattoo this year. I'm going to stop at 2 for awhile. I also don't want to think about getting a house...or moving...or anything that has to do with that. It's too stressful.I don't have money for a house, and moving expenses would take out the rest of my savings. My savings are quite low after all of the unexpected expenses.

This year has been interesting. I had my first alone trip. I made it to the year anniversary of the death of my husband...and survived. We moved into a house. Julia got sick and spent over 3 weeks in the hospital. We missed our summer concerts. Family and friends got together and sent us on vacations including seeing One Direction in Boston! We spent Thanksgiving in Disneyland. I invited family over to my place for part of Christmas. Now I'm having my first alone New Year's Eve...and I'm okay with that.

I've got through many stages of grief this year. I thought I had made it to acceptance. It felt good but scary. Then...I got to take the wonderful steps backwards and experience grief all over again...right from the beginning. I bargained with God again...although I really didn't do that too much at first. I got to be angry and then depressed again. I missed Tony so much that I sobbed...big, fat, ugly cry tears. I got to experience that moment when you see/hear something and turn to tell your main man...and then realize that he's not here...and hasn't been for almost 2 years...and realize for a moment you got to be married again to your soulmate...sweet, amazing misery...but I got to feel that feeling of being married again to the man I met at 18 and was with until I was 40...that was actually quite amazing...it was worth the pain...I'd love to have another moment like that...it was actually awesome enough that it didn't even feel that painful.

I decided that I'd end the year with things I'm thankful for and then some resolutions.

I'm thankful for my family and friends, my church family, my Relay for Life family, the SF Giants, One Direction, my new-to-me car, a house to live in, my daughter being alive, my daughter not having brain damage, an amazing trip to Boston, getting to see Rachel, the 1D boys loving on my girl, Harry Styles flirting with my mom, family time, Legoland, Disneyland, Flo's V-8 Cafe's authentic Thanksgiving dinner, awkward and loving it children, my kids' friends, a job that's mostly enjoyable, crafts, diet coke, uncrustables, random strangers who make our pictures funny and awesome, the colors orange and purple and probably teal/turquoise, glow in the dark, iPhones, toilet paper, contact lenses, sensitive skin soaps and shampoos, computers, pets, backyards, heaters, air conditioners, electricity, my son who helps me be a working, single mom, humor, my therapist/counselor/friend, cameras, adult coloring books, books, Domino's, etc. I'm going to stop there.

Resolutions for 2016:

1. Wake up at least once a day.

2. Go to 2 Giants games.

3. Eat at least once a day.

4. Work out at least once every two weeks.

5. Take my vitamins at least 4 times a week.

6. Love my kids.

7. Survive...this one is optional...jk

I don't feel like doing any more resolutions. I hate them. This year they are making me feel depressed, so I will stop.

I've gone over quite a few different things in this blog, so I will stop this also. How did I choose joy? I wrote my thankful for list. I made resolution...yes, they were easy...but I did it. I survived last year. So there you have it. I probably forgot a lot of stuff..but oh, well.                                                                                JOY

Circle of Grief

I really like making my blog titles to remind me of songs or movies or stuff like that. It makes it more enjoyable...at least for me.

I got slightly excited and a bit weirded out by feeling like I was making it to the acceptance stage of grief. I was told that I could take a step back and go back through all the stages again or do all the stages but in the context of acceptance. I was totally excited about that...read with sarcasm. So, I decided that the beginning of grief was really fun, and I missed it so much. I decided to visit it again. I am all the way back to the beginning. I have had the absolute agonizing physical pain that comes with grief. I begin the think, which turns into wanting to cry, which turns into wanting to sob, which turns into the ragged-horrible ugly cry, which turns into the stabbing physical pain that just makes me want to scream out loud in agony. I feel the need to pace...the last time I did that was at the beginning of grief...by beginning, I mean the first week through the first few months. I didn't think I would ever go back that far. I feel really lucky to get to experience this again...please read with extreme sarcasm.

I believe it has to do with the holiday. It also has to do with feeling inadequate being a single, working mom. It also has to do with memories that keep coming up around this time. It also has to do with the neglect I've been feeling towards the insurance company. The only problem with the anger towards their neglect is that I am beginning to neglect my kids because of being a single, working mom...which makes me angry at myself...which makes me think back on what I had before...even when I had to neglect the kids with work, they still had dad to be with them...now they don't have either of us. Before you all start saying, "No, you are doing a great job.", you need to know that I am back to losing my relationship with my kids. We are still doing fine, but we aren't getting to hang out as much. They aren't sharing as much. I don't really have that much time with them. I'm having to re-evaluate my life and my commitments. I think I'm going to have to give up part of me to make sure that I don't lose my kids' part of my life. I'm nervous about what I will be giving up...what the consequences will be...but for my kids well-being, it should be worth it. I only have two teenagers for 7 months total, and I only have 5 more years until both my kids are adults. I think I can survive this. It might suck, but I think I can come out on the other side alive.

Anyway, grief is fun. I was just going to write my blog about how it's been at least a year and a half...suck it up...get over it...quit being a baby and get on with life...you have work and kids and friends that are being neglected, get a grip... Now, I'm just going to ignore most of that and get back to just trying to wake up at least once a day, eat at least once a day, enjoy my kids as much as possible, and survive. Sorry to disappoint everybody, but acceptance doesn't happen quickly, grief doesn't end miraculously at the year-aversary or at the year and a half mark, and maybe not even at the two year mark. I think I'm the most disappointed at this fact. I was looking forward to acceptance...kinda.

So how do I choose joy? I don't know.                                                JOY

Uncomfortable, Weird New Step

I have decided that I don't miss my husband. I have also decided that it's okay to not miss him. However, it feels weird. It also feels like it should be wrong to not miss him...so soon...he was my one and only...

There's one thing that I have not accepted...how he died. I still get frightfully angry about that. I get angry that a company can have that much power, can neglect someone who they are supposed to be helping, and then not accept the consequences/guilt/whatever you want to call it and probably continue to do it to other innocent people. I walk around life these days, and the word that keeps yelling at me is NEGLECT. It hurts, and it makes me angry.

After I wrote my last blog post, I talked to my parents. I told them about this frustration with the negligence. My dad told me I needed to write about it. I feel like I've written about it and talked about it, but I don't know if I really have...at least the part of how I'm dealing with it during the acceptance step.

I have experienced guilt during the acceptance step. Now I'm experiencing anger during this acceptance step. Sometimes it feels like I'm not really at the acceptance step since I'm still feeling guilt and anger. I want to bargain with God about the negligence. That also doesn't feel like it should be a step in acceptance. According to my therapist/counselor/friend, this is quite normal...and part of acceptance. I have also talked to my fellow widows, and they also say it's normal...so I guess I should just believe them and continue on.

The problem with this anger, though, is that it is quite debilitating. I want to sleep constantly. I want to cry. I have a hard time turning myself "on" for other people. Usually Youth Group is an easy time to turn "on" my social skills and have a happy, laughing time. Tonight it was very hard to turn "on." I had to actually step away and try to refocus. I felt like I needed a million super big hugs to get moving. Of course, once I was "on" it was easy to stay "on." I'm not sure if this is even something that others can understand. Sometimes I just have to talk myself into being social. It's really hard. I haven't had it this bad in a really long time, though. Once again, it feels like a giant step backwards. I know it's not...but try convincing my brain of that.

Speaking of brains...I feel like I'm seeing them everywhere. I saw someone looking at a bunch of pictures. Eventually I figured out that it was different pictures of trees. I saw brains. Who sees that? I do. I've seen a few too many brains lately, I guess. I've seen Tony's, and now I've seen Julia's...in pictures. It feels weird that instead of seeing something normal like a tree, I'm seeing brains. It makes me feel odd...I feel like I shouldn't even be writing this because it's so weird and odd... Anyone want to see either of their brains...they are quite lovely...I never thought brains were cool looking until recently...

So back to anger...sometimes I wish I had that special person who comes along and sees my story. They have power, and help make it better. They get people hearing about what an awful company I had to deal with and make sure no one else has to deal with this as well. I'm probably feeling the negligence right now because I'm being hammered with a bunch of unexpected expenses. I'm dealing with dentists for Jeremiah. I'm dealing with Julia's insurance, trying to get them to pay for her medical bills...I thought it was all taken care of...now I'm having to jump through hoops.I'm dealing with a car that's being a pain...hopefully it's just a battery...but I keep putting it off because it's stressful. We had a beautiful 3 week summer vacation 2.0, and I'm trying not to regret it. Family and friends donated lots of money to make sure my kids had a relaxing time of fun and encouragement. It worked. Now I have to not regret spending money on that instead of bills. So then I get angry because of the power trip this company is on...at least that's how it feels. I accept that they killed my husband. I just wish that they would accept it, too. It makes me feel alone and used.

I don't feel like writing anymore... So how am I choosing joy? I am enjoying my kids. I am working with a bunch of awesome youth. I work hard to be "on" so I can laugh and have fun. But sometimes, I don't choose joy. I just can't. I don't have the energy. Then I just take a breath, and try to wait for when I can.                                                              JOY

Acceptance Hurts

Summer Vacation 2.0 was a huge success. I will write about that later...because I have reached a new layer in grief...and I have to get it out of my head...so I can move on...hopefully...

I've been saying to myself (since I got back from Summer Vacation 2.0) that I don't miss Tony. It feels weird. It feels wrong. But I don't miss him. I can talk about him fondly. The kids and I had great conversations about him. I don't regret anything about my marriage, but I don't miss him. It had a feeling of numbness, though. I knew there had to be more to it than just not missing him. I was dreading the "what happens next...because it has to be something awful"...it always seems to be something awful...just my opinion...grief is awful...all layers and levels of it. I had hoped that acceptance would be magical...bing!, I have now accepted the death of my husband...all if good in the world...life is now easy... Of course, it can't be quite that easy. So I went to my therapist/counselor/friend and talked to him about it. He told me that acceptance has levels, too. Yay!!!(read with extreme sarcasm) He also said that if I have made it to a level of acceptance, it doesn't mean I won't go back to one of the other stages of grief. Double Yay!!!!! 

So here I am, moving on towards acceptance and feeling guilty about it. It's only been a year and a half. What does that say about me? I was married for 21 years, and it only takes a year and a half to get over him. Wow! I must be a tad selfish....horrible...not loyal at all. Then my therapist/counselor/friend reminded me that I had had to start mourning the loss of my husband even before he died...because I knew his mind and body were failing. Yes, I knew that I had many, many years more with him, but I wouldn't have the whole man I loved with me...he was becoming a shell of who he was. So I had actively started saying goodbye to my dreamed future a long time before his sudden death. So, yes, he has only been dead for a year and a half, but I had been grieving the loss of him starting around 5 years ago.

So I am now working through feeling guilty for starting to accept his death. This guilt has caused me to become physically sore and sick. It's been a fun day (sarcasm). I'm praying for acceptance of this acceptance level of grief. I'm praying for it to not last long...the painful stuff. I'm nervous for the next layer. In case you have ever wondered, Acceptance is not the final answer...it is just a stage with many layers. Maybe one day I will make it to an end to grief...I don't know if there is an end...I had always thought there kinda was an end...but......

Acceptance hurts. I'm not happy. I choose joy by continuing working with the youth group. This week was my first week back since probably the beginning of June. I was nervous. It was awesome. I love these kids. I don't know a lot of them, but most of them are awesome...jk....I'm supposed to say that they are all awesome...I'm in pain, so give me a break... Last night we had a barfing kid...I don't do barf unless it's adding to it...I decided that there's nothing like a bunch of barf to bond youth group leadership. So I now have my youth family back, and that's how I choose joy.                                                           JOY

A New Beginning

This one is going to be a bit different because I'm dealing with two different things at the same time...and they are both a little stressful...but not in a terrible way...and I haven't written in forever.

We moved into a new-to-us home. Exciting and a little daunting. We moved into a new home while my daughter was feeling sick. Not fun and slightly unnerving. We got to sleep in the new house for two nights...THEN...

My daughter's "feeling sick" thing sent us to the ER for the third time in two weeks. The ER sent her to Children's Hospital in Oakland. Children's Hospital gave her a CT scan and put her in the ICU.

Short story...she had sinusitis that went crazy and tried to kill her or give her brain damage.
God story...she has been in such good health that the infection went all over her sinuses and snuggled her brain but didn't attack anything. They said it was one of the worst cases they have seen...they only see 1-2 cases a year...but it didn't attack anything...which is weird. She was also one of the fastest recoveries they have ever seen. Her quick recovery happened so soon that the day after her brain surgery, then sent her down to the regular ward because she didn't exactly fit the requirements of ICU...and she would probably heal better/faster where she could actually sleep...which would not be the ICU. That place is noisy...there are only curtains between each kid.

So people have said to me, "Holy cow! You must have been terrified!" Really what I was thinking was, "Dude! I totally didn't mess up! There really was something wrong with her. Cool. Now I'm here at the best of the best and they can take the stress now." I was so nervous to take her back to the ER for the third time in two weeks. It almost felt like I was being a crazy mom...ooh, she has a tiny headache, let's take her to the ER...oh, no, she has the sniffles, she might be dying...wow, look at her eye, it looks like it's going to explode... I am so glad I have such good friends to support me and encourage me to take her back in. I am so thankful I had the courage to do it.

Long story...my daughter got a little bit sick during Buddy Bears. She recovered in a day and a half...this sickness may or may not be involved in the big picture. The following week, she had her first ever migraine. On the fourth day of continuous migraine, I took her to the ER. They gave her fluids and medicines. She felt better. We went home. The next day, she had a headache across her whole forehead and the cheek under the eye that had previously had the migraine was swollen. I thought it was allergies. I tried many things for a few days. She wasn't eating. The only thing she did was sleep. So I took her back to the ER. (I tried to take her to urgent care but couldn't find one under her insurance...weird, I know.) While we were there, a lady had a baby in the bathroom. It was quite an interesting experience. That set everything back though. After we had been there for quite a few hours...and still had one more person ahead of us...we decided to leave. I said yes to leaving because she said she was hungry. I was so excited she was hungry, I was ready to go get her food. A day later, she got this bump on her eyelid near her nose. I made an appointment with her pediatrician. I took her in on Monday. By then it was a bright red bump on the outside of her eyelid. Her doctor said it was a sty and told us how to take care of it. We went home and took care of it. By Thursday, the bump was huge. Her eyelid was mostly closed. She still only slept all day and barely ate. I took pictures of it and started asking my friends and family if I should take her back to the ER. Everybody said yes. I decided to wait until the morning. Friday morning, the bump started to look extremely weird, like it might ooze something...or you could pop it...or it might explode. So I took her to the ER. They saw her fairly quickly. The doctor said, "If this is a sty, then it's the biggest one I've ever seen." Then he proceeded to put a needle in the bump and pull out a bunch of puss...quite disgusting...and cool. At this point they had already started her on fluids and antibiotics. They decided that they didn't have the equipment and stuff to take care of her if it ended up being worse. They wanted to send her to Children's Hospital, but she would have to go by ambulance because of the IV. I had called my mom, and she met us at the hospital and was there for most of this. I had to call my boy to come get my car because I was going in the ambulance. The EMTs met my girl, talked to her, and made her feel comfortable. Then we got to go for a ride! Because of the antibiotics and fluids, she was feeling decent. So we got to enjoy the ride together. The ambulance dropped us off at the ER at Children's. My mom met us there. After awhile they decided to put a warmer on her eye because it had gotten big again. All of a sudden, it started oozing like crazy. It was so gross and so cool. Anyway she had a CT scan and ended up in the ICU. It was crazy in there, but the nurses were awesome. I got to sleep on a chair that converted to a bed. This was all on July 3rd. For the 4th of July, my girl got to have brain surgery. This part is traumatic for me. I can tell you what they did technically, but when I think about it happening to my girl...I just want to whimper. My mom and my in-laws were there in the waiting room for me. We got the best of the best neuro surgeon to do this surgery! It just happened that way. He talked to me, explained what he was going to do, explained that he realized that she would have to grow up with this scar...so he would make the incision behind her hair line...so it wouldn't show. Wow! What a kind doctor. I did fine waiting until the 3 hour time frame was up. Then I just started pacing. The doctor came out and told us everything went well, but there was much more infection than they originally thought. She would have to have another surgery. This one wouldn't be quite as invasive though. After recovery (where she sassed me immediately...and I wanted to hi-five the nurses), she went back up to ICU. She spent another night there. The next day they realized she was quite perky for someone who had just had brain surgery, so they sent us to the 5th floor...where we got the window side! That's where we stayed on Sunday. On Monday, it was time for surgery number 2. They were going to go through her nose...yuck...and also put a PICC line in for her medicines. This one was longer. She came out of it like she had only taken a nap. Although the morphine made her a bit groggy. Then begins the monotonous days of just hanging out in the hospital...getting a new roommate every few days...some good...some not so good... She laughed, ate, and became the girl I was used to. They tried to send us home once, but her infection number went back up. Then our doctors, who loved us, snuck a blood test in. Her number went down! They sent us home.

Now we are home. Julia still has to have IV antibiotics twice a day...and I get to give it to her. She has to take saline 3 times a day in her nose and flonase once a day. However, as of today, we have been cleared by the ENT doctor. He put a camera up her nose and told us that she didn't have scar tissue in the sinuses! So now, no more flonase!!! and only the saline spray once a day for a few weeks...and the IV antibiotics. Wednesday, she has another MRI, and from there we will see what they say about an ending date.

So, moral of the story...we missed out on an entire summer vacation, 3 concerts, Disneyland, family trip, my Grandpa's 90th birthday party, etc....but we got a girl who is alive and doesn't have brain damage. Easy to choose joy with that outcome. We are also going to choose joy by still having a summer vacation later...we are trying to go to a One Direction concert if she gets cleared by all the doctors in time...two doctors have cleared her...two to go...choosing joy...thinking positively...                                             JOY

Disco Ball Shoes and a Disneyland Lunch Box

Grief is weird. The things that make me tear up are quite random. The two weirdest ones, I think, are disco ball shoes and a Disneyland lunch box (that's why I titled it that way). 

Disco Ball Shoes
When Tony died, I had several different pairs of moccasins. They were warm, snuggly, and comfy. I loved them. I saved my cute silver, sparkly ones for special occasions. Tony called them my disco ball shoes. After he was gone, I had to wear these shoes. He had named them, so I had to wear them. Silly, but I felt a connection between the shoes and him. They made me smile at the memory. I accidentally ruined them during a huge rain storm. I was disappointed, but Julia had outgrown her pair (we had matching shoes). She let me wear them. I loved it. But then, as shoes are in the habit of doing, they started to fall apart. I decided it was time to look for a new pair of comfy shoes. I couldn't find anything I liked...that was weird...I can always find shoes that are cute. Then I began really looking at my disco ball shoes. I saw all the places they were breaking. I saw the real need to get a new pair of shoes. I realized that they actually are hurting my feet now. And I began to tear up. I started to cry. I didn't want to give them up. I didn't want to stop wearing them. It felt like giving the shoes up was giving up Tony. By getting rid of the shoes, I was getting rid of my connection and my happy memory.

Disneyland Lunch Box
It's really a California Adventure lunch box. I ran across it when we were packing up the house to sell it. Friends were over, and they would ask me, "Keep, toss, or donate?" We were in the kitchen...Tony's domain...it was already kinda hard. I didn't want to keep anything...and I wanted to keep everything. Then the silly little lunch box showed up. The question was asked, and I burst into tears. I sobbed for a very long time. We had gotten this lunch box for Jeremiah when he was little. It was one of the first years the California Adventure was open, and they gave these out in their kids lunches. Nothing major, but it had memories attached...good memories. It also had a future that would no longer happen. We would no longer go as a family with the four of us. Tony and I would not be able to take our grandkids and tell them all the stories of the way it used to be.

The kids and I are moving. We will be renting a house beginning in July. We are very excited. I don't want to be a downer, but I am already dreading the unpacking. I am excited to see my belongings again. I can't wait to get my craft supplies back...but I am not looking forward to seeing that lunch box...yes, I kept it. I am not looking forward to seeing that box that is labeled "Tony's - I can't deal with it yet." Yep, there is a box. Part of me is looking forward to checking it all out and remembering all the memories. I love the memories. Part of me is dreading it because it is a reminder that I didn't get my happily ever after...I don't get the growing old together...

So how do I choose joy? I surround myself with family and friends...even when I'm avoiding them. I allow people to come over and help pack and unpack these memories. I tell the kids the stories...some they actually haven't heard yet. And most importantly, I love. I continue to love even though sometimes it seems that this would just bring more heartache when they leave. I believe that love is the most important thing. So how do I choose joy? I love. I kinda feel like I need to change my blog to Choose Love...                      JOY

New, Random First

The second year has been a bit different. Holidays are just holidays. Activities are just activities. There are no "firsts." The firsts have all happened already. 

Recently I went to the Orange Conference with my bosses and others from BNC (my church and place or work). Orange is the philosophy that we use to teach and live as families in our church. It goes along these lines...we use the colors red and yellow...one represents how much time we have as parents to train our kids...the other is how much time the church has to train our children...together they create Orange...the church and family work together to raise Godly children. So picture a jar filled with marbles. Each marble depicts one week we have with our kids until they reach adulthood (18). My 12 year old's jar is getting so empty. I have a limited amount of time to contribute to who she will become as an adult. My 18 year old's jar is empty. He is an adult. I can still contribute to his life, but I am not guaranteed time. He will move away and have his own life.  

This is completely off topic. I got to the conference. I checked in with my girl back home and made sure everything was good. I checked in with my boy. Everyone else was checking in with family back home. I picked up my phone to check in with Tony. Ouch!!!!! So I did something that I have done in the past. I called his number. This time was different. It said that it couldn't be completed and to try again. It kinda messed with me. 20 minutes later my phone rang. It said that my husband was calling me. I absolutely freaked out and threw my phone. That really messed with my head. Someone else has his number. It feels weird. I can no longer dial his number just to be reminded that yes, he really is gone. My weird, random happenstance of a first.        

So what do I do to choose joy now? I'm not too sure. I try to be the widow that Tony would be proud of. I try to be the single mom that my kids would be proud of. I try to get up and do something each day. I choose to love.               JOY


 

              

          

Trust and Baggage

Jimmy, our youth group leader, talked about baggage last night. It was really good. When we got to small group time, I asked my girls if they ever gave God their baggage and then took it back. I also asked them if they ever were afraid to give God their baggage. Then I asked them if they ever felt like they didn't trust God to take care of their baggage appropriately.

That's where I'm at. I trust God, but I don't trust Him. How does that work? I don't really know, but that's what I've been dealing with for quite awhile. I feel like I have given God my baggage, and He has taken it and given back the worst possible scenario I could think of.

It's like that old joke, "It can't get any worse...", and then it does. I feel like that is what I have been going through for years...except I haven't been stupid enough to say, "It can't get any worse." I gave God my baggage about my husband's injury. God proceeded to let Tony's memory get worse. I gave God my baggage that I realized I was not going to get my happily ever after. God proceeded to take my husband's strength. I finally just gave God Tony. God proceeded to take him. 

I'm afraid to give God my baggage concerning my children, my finances, my want of a home, my future, my happiness. What if I give God these things, and He "betrays" me. I know it's not really betrayal; it just feels like that sometimes.

That's it. This is what I'm thinking about right now. My mom reminded me that I need to write them down, so I can deal with them better. It's been working, so I guess I will try to write more frequently again. They might be short but whatever.

So I have been choosing joy these past few days. I chose joy by hanging out with my fellow singles. I chose joy by enjoying my SF Giants. I chose joy by writing these thoughts out. I have had 4 happy days in a row. I hope this doesn't jinx it, but I am happy. It feels good. I choose joy by just reveling in the happiness.                                  JOY

The Final Outcome

Yes, I am singing a song in my head right now because of the title. This blog has taken a long time to write and post. I have been going through many, many different emotions.

So the court case is officially done. It originally started when the insurance company kept denying help for Tony's head injury that he got on the job. We had to get a lawyer involved so that we could get testing approved and hopefully get a cure. When Tony died it became a death suit. I believe that the insurance company is responsible for Tony's death by negligence. It cannot be proved. Even though I can prove a brain injury through the autopsy, no connection can be found between the brain injury and the heart attack.

I went to my lawyer's office for mediation. What is mediation? Well...me, my lawyer, the insurance company's lawyer, and a mediator (a dude who used to be a judge and now works as a go-between between lawyers) sit down and discuss financial settlement to make this end. Luckily I only had to say hello to the bad lawyer dude, and then I got to spend the rest of the time in my lawyer's office. We spouted out a number to make the insurance company go away. They came back with a lower number. We spouted another number. He said they could only go this high.

For me, it wasn't about the money. I wanted the insurance company to admit guilt in a tiny way (the only way they can admit guilt is through money). I was hoping for a decent amount however to help my kids make it through life. I kinda was hoping for a slightly easier life... I guess I got a little selfish. 

The hardest part of the day was when the mediator told me that my case was one of the worst cases he has seen. He said that as a judge, he would love to give me all the money he could. I deserved it. The problem is that the law says no, he can't. For awhile, when the mediator and my lawyer were talking, I could only sit on the couch (with my eyes closed), cry, and answer their questions. It was so absolutely painful. One of the most painful moments of my life.

Two positives...when the bad lawyer gave his final number...financially...that he was informed by the insurance company that he was allowed to give me...he gave me the number and it didn't include all the fees I would need to pay...so I got more than expected. Then my lawyer...who hadn't expected this...said she would do the same. So I ended up with about $5000 more than we all expected. Bonus!

Negative...I talked to God and told him that the lowest number I thought I could live with...hopefully to help me make a down payment on a house...was $50,000. I also told him how much I really wanted to help me feel better. So I ended up with the lowest number plus my bonus money. Cool but disappointing.

Now I realize that I underestimated how much I would need for a down payment. I definitely don't have enough. So I am now looking at renting...hopefully I can find a good place, in a good neighborhood, who will allow 3 dogs...my kids have requested to not lose any more things in their life aka their dogs.

So I have considered have a gofundme to help me get a house. Can't you just see it? If you donate this much, you are invited to the house warming party. This much and you can even have a tour of the new home. This much more and you can have snacks at the house warming party. Bonus...if you give this much, you can come to a movie night at our house! The best friend level, you get all of the above including a keychain or t-shirt that says, "Joy got a house and all I got was this lousy keychain/t-shirt." That's as far as I could get with rewards. If you have any ideas for more, let me know. Maybe I will offer a picture with me...or an autograph...one of my SF Giants shirts...I could make you earrings or a necklace... I think I'm getting a little carried away.

Okay, so what do I learn today? Nothing much. My mom reminded me that I should get to writing my blog. It might help me start sleeping again...yep, I haven't been sleeping. So we will see. I chose joy by finishing this blog. I chose joy by continuing to work on a different blog post...that I don't think I will post...it's kinda embarrassing. I chose joy by dyeing my blond spot in my hair again...this time it was blue/green. I liked it. I chose joy by going out to lunch with girlfriends. I chose joy by attending my first Giants game of the year. So I have been choosing joy recently. Don't ask about a few weeks ago. I didn't choose joy for quite awhile. It sucked. Anyway, that's it. I shortened it up a bit. Feel free to ask me questions. Yes, I still get angry, but that's okay.                                       JOY

The Dreaded Forgetting

How do you forget that your husband died? (rhetorical...please don't answer) It's been a year. Wouldn't you think that this might be a regular fact in my life? But that's exactly what did happen. I ran across an old friend, and mid conversation wanted to invite him to have dinner just the 3 of us to catch up. There is no 3 of us. Mid sentence I realized what I was saying. Wow! The pain in that moment! I couldn't figure out what to say...I couldn't finish the conversation...I just mumbled, stopped talking, and walked away. Awkward! I wanted to cry, scream, break things, hit things... It was bad enough that I ended up with a migraine the next day. That, combined with the year-mark, created a minor set-back in feeling good.

I'm working at breaking out of the depression. Julia and I are practicing a lip sync. We are planning our spring break trip (super cheap so we don't take from the "trying to buy a house" fund). We are working at socializing...socializing is hard. I'm trying to get caught up at work. I'm going to my personal trainer tonight...maybe she can get me motivated...I quit going for several weeks. I finally added some color to my hair again...it's purple/pink on my blond spot...Julia has blue...hers looks awesome. The future looks long and hard, but I'm working at it. I'm trying to choose to wake up, get up, and do something (please no negative comments...this in itself is a huge accomplishment)(and yes, I have received negative comments)...there are many times that all I accomplish is waking up. I feel like a failure, but I know this is a false thought. So I'm working on that. I'm finding reasons to laugh. Laughter makes life easier...and funner.

I am choosing joy again. How? Pretty much the entire second paragraph is how...go back and read it. I kinda feel like this is short and depressing, but it's not really. It's just life. Life is hard; I'm working on making it easier and more enjoyable. If I have to live, then I want to laugh. Oh, I almost forgot. Joy is easier to choose now that the Giants are back to playing some ball.                                  JOY



P.S. The title made me giggle because it reminds me of The Dread Pirate Roberts from Princess Bride.

The Year-Mark

I thought the "Year-Mark" was going to have a magical moment when things would feel a bit better. I thought wrong. It's just another day...but a day full of reminders...not good ones. Reminders of giving him a hug goodbye (okay, that one is good)...figuring out when to meet Tony, get the kids, and what we were going to eat for dinner...of a phone call...looking for his kindle because he might get bored in the hospital...calling my mom to keep my kids just a little longer...driving to the hospital...seeing his ambulance just waiting at the back doors of the hospital and nobody getting out...getting the look when I checked in at the hospital...getting to have two people to walk me down the hallway to explain about my husband...hearing them working on my husband on the other side of the curtain...calling my mom that she needed to get the kids to the hospital...getting tons of the look...getting told that they are going to have to stop working on him and call it...calling my mom and telling her they didn't need to hurry...hearing them call it (time of death)...waiting while they cleaned him up so I could see him...seeing him...hurrying outside so I could hurl...being extremely hot...waiting for family.........

I also remembered who I was before and who I am now. Before: I accepted stress like it was a competition. Now: Stress happens. Before: I was concerned with "not causing others to stumble in their faith" even to an extreme. Now: I believe that the key to life is to love. Everything else is second. Before: I DID NOT swear. Now: I'm not opposed to swearing. Before: Raunchy jokes are NOT good. Now: I'm not opposed to raunchy jokes; I may even tell some. Before: I was usually too tired or didn't have time to hang with my kids. Now: My kids are the most important thing in my life. Before: I was very strict; following the rules was most important. Now: I'm more flexible; bending the rules is acceptable at times. Before: Public embarassment is not okay. Now: Public embarassment is pretty awesome...especially if it makes the kids laugh. So there are good and not so good differences. Do I like these differences? Are these "now" things okay? I'm not completely sure what I think of the new me.

I remember all the "firsts" and all the accomplishments.
     BNC Oscars
     Job Upgrade
     Throwing the First Pitch for a Baseball Game
     Relay for Life
     Santa Cruz trip
     Creating a Budget
     My First Child's Graduation from High School
     HS Graduation Party
     College Orientation for the Boy Child
     Other Boy Child's Graduation from Marine Boot Camp
     Father/Daughter Dance
     One Direction Concert
     Ambulance Ride
     Joined a Gym
     Got a Personal Trainer
     Birthdays, Anniversaries, Funerals, Trips, Holidays, etc. I wrote about many others on my other blog posts.

The year-mark ended up being much harder than expected...and the pain lasted longer than expected. I finally had to realize that the year-mark was causing me such depression that I had to pay attention to it so it didn't move into suicide. It was relatively close...not to the act, but to the momentum that would take me to the act of suicide. My counselor/therapist/friend helped me see how far I was. Once I acknowledged it, I was able to deal with it. Once I dealt with it, it got better. I'm still not awesome, just not on the path to suicide. In some way this year is worse than last year...nothing can top last year.

So how did I choose joy during the year-mark? I didn't. I chose not to have joy. I chose to sleep and cry and barely survive. I chose to neglect others...well, that's not exactly a choice...it just happened...because I neglected  people. So now I'm trying to figure out who I am now that I'm 41 and a widow, without a home, with 2 kids, and if I like that person. Don't worry; I mostly like her. And now I might start choosing joy again...probably will...definitely will...yep.                                                                            JOY





































































 I love you mom

Strong vs. Broken

Most of my days I live in the "new normal" phase. Life is life. I just walk through it and live it. I am neither strong nor weak. I am neither super happy nor super sad. Life would probably be easier if I could live every day like this. But I love the "strong" days. They are so awesome. But I HATE the "weak/broken" days. I would rather do 100 blah days than one moment of a weak/broken day.

STRONG
Recently I had an awesome "strong" couple of days. I went on my first alone vacation. I was offered the rest of a friend's week at their timeshare. All of my friends had just started back to work or their kids had just started school after the holidays. My kids didn't really want to go with me. (They were going to go with me, but only because they felt guilty and didn't want me to go alone.) I decided that I needed to try this alone thing sometime. So I headed up to Arnold...alone...if you hadn't figured that out.

I went to the market to stock up on some food. Then I vegged out at the cabin for a day and a half. I watched 7-8 movies and read 2 books over the entire trip. It was awesome. I loved it. It was short enough that I didn't have time to get annoyed with myself or go stir crazy.

I really wanted to go to the redwoods, but I was nervous. On the last full day, I decided that I would annoy myself if I didn't make it to the redwoods. So off I went to Calaveras State Park. I got quite a few looks. I guess it's unusual to go alone especially if you are a woman. I went to the gift shop/museum. All 3 people working stopped and stared when I entered. Oh, I guess I should tell you that I was in short sleeves and everyone else was bundled up in jackets, scarves, and gloves. (I honestly didn't think it was that cold...one of the side effects of grief for me.) That might have been why they stopped and stared. Whatever.

I ended up taking the walk through the woods. It was so beautiful. I could hear people around me, but I stayed away from most everyone. I also got stares when I passed groups of people...that one was because I was alone. At one time during the walk, I was completely alone...I was checking out the nature...enjoying the animals. I realized that I was able to do this because I was alone. The birds and squirrels came out and played because I was quiet and still. The best part was when a woodpecker came out to join me. He was so close to me. He was beautiful. This is one of the animals I have always wanted to see. He kept hopping around the trees, pecking at them...it was awesome. I had an amazing experience in nature, thanking God for allowing me to have this moment.

I tried to take selfies of myself with the redwoods because that's all I could do. I wanted desperately to have my picture taken in one of the trees. I ended up waiting around for forever until someone finally showed up. I almost gave up because it was taking so long for someone to come. But I got it. I also got the "wow, you're alone! you are brave." I pretty much agree on that. It felt good.  

                                                                                     

WEAK/BROKEN
Right now I am feeling broken. I am moving toward the year anniversary date of Tony's death, but I'm doing it kicking and screaming and sobbing. This is much harder than I expected. Julia and I decided that in some ways it feels like he just died a month ago, and other times it feels like it's been 5 years. The closer I get to February 12th, the angrier I get and the more I just want to break out into sobs...no matter where I am. I am back to just wanting to sleep. If I sleep, I don't have to acknowledge...I don't have to think...I can pretend...I don't have to make decisions...I don't have to work so hard at living life.

I have been going through Tony's papers because I have a deposition coming up. The lawyers have decided that they want to hear from me. I'm quite nervous about it. So I was in a back corner of McDonald's (I thought I could hide there) and I came across papers with Tony's doodles on it. Along with several shapes and drawings, he had written my name two different ways. I lost it. I tried to hold it in, but noooooo, I had to go sobbing...loudly...poor dude who was kinda near me. It was the ugly cry...in public...awesome...that awesome was sarcastic.

Other things that happen when I'm having weak moments...everything is overly emotional. I listen to a song and cry. I watch a movie and cry. My kids do something awesome, and I cry. Okay, sometimes I don't actually cry. I'm getting good at bottling it up and just letting the eyes get weepy-looking. (I feel I need to remind you that when I cry I get red-faced, splotchy...that's why it's called the ugly cry...besides the ugly sounds I make.) It super sucks. I hate crying. I hate the weak days. I don't even want to write about them...if I could remember them...I kinda block them out of my memory.

So there you have it. The topic that has been bothering me for weeks. So how do I choose joy in the middle of the weak times (it's easy to choose joy during the strong tmes)? I don't really know. It's hard to choose joy when all you want to do is sleep. I guess I choose joy by continuing to do daily activities. I choose joy by hanging with my kids. I choose joy by attending plays that one of "my kids" is in. I choose joy by loving on others...as much as I am able. I guess that's it. I wake up, and I try...sometimes.                                    JOY

Thanks to the SF Giants

This is a blog I've wanted to write for a few months. This is my story as a fan. First I want to say thank you to my SF Giants, my Gamer Babes and Dudes, and my family and friends for helping me get through 2014. I was dreading October because it was Tony's bday, and the regular baseball season would be over. 

So, here's my SF Giants story. It begins in 1991 when I met Tony, the man who would be my husband for 21 years. When we met, I was an A's fan (sorry). We quickly fell in love, and he informed me that I had to like the Giants now. Over the course of a few years, he showed me how awesome the Giants were. By the time we had our son, we were a Giants family. We even took our boy to the final game at Candlestick....one of my favorite memories. 

Moving ahead to 2009...Tony was injured on the job. It was pretty bad. We realized that he wouldn't be able to do some of the things we loved to do together including going to games. He encouraged me to attend games with my girlfriends. So I would go to the game, and he would watch it or listen to it. Then we could talk it over later. Because of this time with my girlfriends and chats with my husband I became a die hard, stat knowing, every player loving fan. (I do have a couple favorite favorite players...Jeremy Affeldt, Brandon Crawford...dude, I should probably just list off everyone...Buster, Matt, Hunter, Sergio, Joe, Brandon...... )
 I got to attend the home opener in 2010. I become pathetically superstitious. What a great year for our Giants. What a dream come true for my fellow fans. The Giants did it again in 2012...amazing!

Then 2014 arrived. My Tony wasn't doing so well. I had received my 6 pack of Giants tickets for Christmas as usual. February 12, 2014, my husband died, suddenly and unexpectedly. He was doing what he loved...helping coaching baseball at the local high school. Around the time the initial shock wore off, it was time to attend my first Giants game. I was happy for the normalcy of this. However, when an amazing play was made, I grabbed my phone to text my husband. The rest of the game was hard...so many firsts...hearing one of "our songs"... I was probably the only person there crying while everyone celebrated a win. The rest of the season went by, and I began to get back into fully enjoying the games. I started to dread September though because that's my anniversary month. I had a ticket to the game the day before my anniversary. I decided to celebrate and get tickets for my anniversary as well. What better way to celebrate your anniversary than with the Giants! I asked my fellow Gamer Babes if they had any ideas. They told me about the Dugout Suite at the Hotel Union Square. What a great place. My girlfriends and I booked the night. We did lots of Giantsy things around the city for my anniversary. Hotel Union Square and my Gamer Babes gave me presents and cards. It ended up being absolutely perfect. Thank you, Mary Rose Parkman, and the rest of of the Gamer Babes. 

I had originally thought that the season would end in September. I wasn't looking forward to October (Tony's bday) and the rest of the holidays. So, of course, my SF Giants decided to help me out. They played and played and made it to the World Series. Then, they decided to help me out some more and made the series go 7 games...all the way to his bday. I know that they of course only did that for me...haha. I still want to say thank you. I honestly didn't know how I would make it through October. I got to talk about my man to whoever would listen (during the games). I had people cheering for the Giants who wouldn't normally be fans (just for me...this one is true...it really was just for me...they told me). I had Dodgers fans who weren't completely disgusted that we won the series because they were happy for me. It felt like the world around me unified. I felt so awe-struck that this would happen this year just when I needed it. It felt like it was all for me...I know it's not...I know others have stories...I know that none of the Giants knows I exist...but it was still amazing and awesome and I will claim that it was just for me. 

So I want to say thank you to my family for being there for me. Thank you to my friends for putting up with me during this season. Thank you friends who aren't fans who rooted for my boys. Thank you to my girlfriends who stood beside me this year and let me cry at Giants games and helped me create new good memories. Thank you Gamer Babes and Dudes for loving on me and helping me feel connected to a bigger family. And finally, thank you, SF Giants for living out the "together" slogan. You really made it feel like we were family (while you did the hard work and we sat around yelling and screaming). 
-JOY (a grateful fan)

Christmas, New Year's Eve, and 2015

The time between Thanksgiving and New Year's has been extremely hard. I originally dreaded Christmas. Then we decided to go away for Christmas, and I began to get excited. I had a blast buying presents. Then, it got close to Christmas, and I just freaked. Both kids let me know they hated Christmas and didn't want to do it. I encouraged Julia to enjoy the season by getting her an advent calendar with a different nail polish or nail jewels each day. That seemed to work. 

The Brignolio, Harvey, and Lyles clans stayed at a cabin in Twain Harte. It was interesting. We had a good time...especially with 16 people under one roof. The kids and I slept in the living room. It was comfortable, but very little privacy. The kids went to the snow for a tiny bit...the perfect amount of time. I slept. We crossed something off Tony's bucket list. I got to see an old friend.

This was the first New Year's Eve that I didn't spend the night at BNC's Youth Group All-nighter. I was mostly looking forward to it. Julia went with me. Miah worked it. I made it a little over an hour, and then I just couldn't do it anymore. I asked Bryan if I could let him down and go home. He said yes. I grabbed Julia, and we went home. Well, we stopped and bought donuts first. We watched the ball drop while Julia skyped with her friend. We had a good time, I think.

I'm having a difficult time thinking of 2015...at least these first two months. Last year at this time, I had to acknowledge that my husband wasn't going to get better...unless we had a miracle...or the insurance company approved something that helped him. In just a few weeks, I would watch my precious man begin his fast descent into miserableness. What do I remember about the Super Bowl last year? Tony didn't attend his friend's party because he was shaking so bad. He didn't mind his friend seeing him that way, but they had others over as well. He didn't like people seeing him so out of control. Shortly after that, I watched him act in his last performance. I watched from the audience, praying constantly that he wouldn't shake, that he would remember what he was supposed to say, that he'd be able to complete the performance, knowing that I'd have to talk to him about not performing anymore...soon I knew that I'd have to talk to him about probably stopping coaching baseball...and then it got worse...and then I got the phone call...

I wonder what year 2 will feel like. I wonder if it will be easier.

For the first time ever I made New Year's Resolutions. Here they are.

     1. Go to at least 2 Giants games.

     2. Take a nap instead of working.

     3. Take a nap at work (I will clock out.).

     4. Wake up at least once a day.

     5. Eat at least once a day.

     6. Use the bathroom at least once a day.

     7. Get a tattoo.

     8. Dream about getting a house.

     9. Save at least $1 a month.

     10. Have a car that runs well (A/C, heater, power steering, and defroster).

     11. Work out at least once a week.

     12. Eat at Johnny Rockets at least once a quarter.

     13. Come up with 2 more resolutions.

There...15 resolutions for '15.

Oh, I just thought of another one.

     14. Choose joy at least once a month.

Now I only need one more. Cool. How about...

     15. Eat chocolate every day.

I like that one. Okay. Some of these will be easy. Some I hope will happen. Some I don't care if I fail them.

I choose joy by making stupid resolution. I chose joy by shooting nerds at people. I chose joy by learning how to shoot krabby patty containers with Julia. Yep. Most of my choosing joy things are silly and childish, but they make me laugh. My new life motto is "If I have to live, then I want to laugh." Maybe I should get that in tattoo version...lol...kinda...really just joking.......                                                                                 JOY