Wednesday, April 22, 2015

Trust and Baggage

Jimmy, our youth group leader, talked about baggage last night. It was really good. When we got to small group time, I asked my girls if they ever gave God their baggage and then took it back. I also asked them if they ever were afraid to give God their baggage. Then I asked them if they ever felt like they didn't trust God to take care of their baggage appropriately.

That's where I'm at. I trust God, but I don't trust Him. How does that work? I don't really know, but that's what I've been dealing with for quite awhile. I feel like I have given God my baggage, and He has taken it and given back the worst possible scenario I could think of.

It's like that old joke, "It can't get any worse...", and then it does. I feel like that is what I have been going through for years...except I haven't been stupid enough to say, "It can't get any worse." I gave God my baggage about my husband's injury. God proceeded to let Tony's memory get worse. I gave God my baggage that I realized I was not going to get my happily ever after. God proceeded to take my husband's strength. I finally just gave God Tony. God proceeded to take him. 

I'm afraid to give God my baggage concerning my children, my finances, my want of a home, my future, my happiness. What if I give God these things, and He "betrays" me. I know it's not really betrayal; it just feels like that sometimes.

That's it. This is what I'm thinking about right now. My mom reminded me that I need to write them down, so I can deal with them better. It's been working, so I guess I will try to write more frequently again. They might be short but whatever.

So I have been choosing joy these past few days. I chose joy by hanging out with my fellow singles. I chose joy by enjoying my SF Giants. I chose joy by writing these thoughts out. I have had 4 happy days in a row. I hope this doesn't jinx it, but I am happy. It feels good. I choose joy by just reveling in the happiness.                                  JOY

Monday, April 20, 2015

The Final Outcome

Yes, I am singing a song in my head right now because of the title. This blog has taken a long time to write and post. I have been going through many, many different emotions.

So the court case is officially done. It originally started when the insurance company kept denying help for Tony's head injury that he got on the job. We had to get a lawyer involved so that we could get testing approved and hopefully get a cure. When Tony died it became a death suit. I believe that the insurance company is responsible for Tony's death by negligence. It cannot be proved. Even though I can prove a brain injury through the autopsy, no connection can be found between the brain injury and the heart attack.

I went to my lawyer's office for mediation. What is mediation? Well...me, my lawyer, the insurance company's lawyer, and a mediator (a dude who used to be a judge and now works as a go-between between lawyers) sit down and discuss financial settlement to make this end. Luckily I only had to say hello to the bad lawyer dude, and then I got to spend the rest of the time in my lawyer's office. We spouted out a number to make the insurance company go away. They came back with a lower number. We spouted another number. He said they could only go this high.

For me, it wasn't about the money. I wanted the insurance company to admit guilt in a tiny way (the only way they can admit guilt is through money). I was hoping for a decent amount however to help my kids make it through life. I kinda was hoping for a slightly easier life... I guess I got a little selfish. 

The hardest part of the day was when the mediator told me that my case was one of the worst cases he has seen. He said that as a judge, he would love to give me all the money he could. I deserved it. The problem is that the law says no, he can't. For awhile, when the mediator and my lawyer were talking, I could only sit on the couch (with my eyes closed), cry, and answer their questions. It was so absolutely painful. One of the most painful moments of my life.

Two positives...when the bad lawyer gave his final number...financially...that he was informed by the insurance company that he was allowed to give me...he gave me the number and it didn't include all the fees I would need to pay...so I got more than expected. Then my lawyer...who hadn't expected this...said she would do the same. So I ended up with about $5000 more than we all expected. Bonus!

Negative...I talked to God and told him that the lowest number I thought I could live with...hopefully to help me make a down payment on a house...was $50,000. I also told him how much I really wanted to help me feel better. So I ended up with the lowest number plus my bonus money. Cool but disappointing.

Now I realize that I underestimated how much I would need for a down payment. I definitely don't have enough. So I am now looking at renting...hopefully I can find a good place, in a good neighborhood, who will allow 3 dogs...my kids have requested to not lose any more things in their life aka their dogs.

So I have considered have a gofundme to help me get a house. Can't you just see it? If you donate this much, you are invited to the house warming party. This much and you can even have a tour of the new home. This much more and you can have snacks at the house warming party. Bonus...if you give this much, you can come to a movie night at our house! The best friend level, you get all of the above including a keychain or t-shirt that says, "Joy got a house and all I got was this lousy keychain/t-shirt." That's as far as I could get with rewards. If you have any ideas for more, let me know. Maybe I will offer a picture with me...or an autograph...one of my SF Giants shirts...I could make you earrings or a necklace... I think I'm getting a little carried away.

Okay, so what do I learn today? Nothing much. My mom reminded me that I should get to writing my blog. It might help me start sleeping again...yep, I haven't been sleeping. So we will see. I chose joy by finishing this blog. I chose joy by continuing to work on a different blog post...that I don't think I will post...it's kinda embarrassing. I chose joy by dyeing my blond spot in my hair again...this time it was blue/green. I liked it. I chose joy by going out to lunch with girlfriends. I chose joy by attending my first Giants game of the year. So I have been choosing joy recently. Don't ask about a few weeks ago. I didn't choose joy for quite awhile. It sucked. Anyway, that's it. I shortened it up a bit. Feel free to ask me questions. Yes, I still get angry, but that's okay.                                       JOY