Bay Area Cremation

I brought my hubby wubby home today. By "home", I mean to the place the kids and I are staying. By "brought," I mean his ashes.    JOY

BNC Youth Oscars

The BNC Youth Oscars super sucked...not really. They were super duper sad...not really. I had a great time. I even flash mobbed my video. I danced in front of people! I was so busy with my girls and the Silent Auction that I forgot about Tony.That's kinda good...but when the reminder comes, it's almost harder.

So I realized that I said the "My Girls" are sophomores, but that's not totally true. I have a few freshmen girls, a few juniors, and a few seniors. I did a video with all of these ages for the Oscars. We did a cheesy commercial, and then lip synced to "Call Me Maybe" with a dance. We filmed in about 3 hours...over two days...with 2-3 hours more for practicing...and then 2-3 hours for editing. It almost didn't get done. My girls waited to film an Oscar movie until I was back at Youth Group after Tony's death. They are the sweetest girls. Although they could have filmed without me, and I would have been fine. I don't really have to be in a movie.

The chocolate cake was awesome!!!!

The final award of the Oscars is the "Best Picture Award". It's awarded to the movie that gets the most votes from the audience. This year, they announced that a friend had died recently (Tony), and they were going to honor him. They put together a video presentation which included clips of all the movies Tony had filmed over the years for the Oscars. It was amazing. I super super cried. I tried not to be too loud about it because my dad (Tony's, really) was sitting right in front of me. He was having a hard time with it too. My sister, Katie, and my mom, Kathy, were with me too... and crying. I did my ugly cry which means my face gets all red and puffy, and I make disgusting noises. I would laugh, and then it would hit me...I will never get to see Tony be creative again. I didn't think he would be able to manage the Oscars this year anyway, but it really hurt to not get to hear him discussing Oscar videos and commercials. No more laughs. No more bad humor. No more presenting an award. No more saving a table for me while I work. No more making sure the kids eat dinner while I work. No more outbidding people on the Silent Auction. No more "Not a Kathy Production". No more....the list goes on and on. And it all hit me during that video presentation. It physically hurt...a lot...(understatement). I could tell that somebody who truly knew Tony put that presentation together (Brad and Kathy Shifflett). Then they changed the "Best Picture Award" to the "Tony Award." Ouch and cool! Forever after, I will be reminded that Tony is no longer with me at the Oscars...like I wouldn't have remembered that without the name change. The trophy was awesome. It was a Darth Tater on top of a large trophy base. It was super cool...very Tony. Tony would have loved to put that trophy on his "Shelf of Honor." Yes, it was called that...it even had a label.

Before all that, we had our first family get together without Tony. All of his immediate family that's in the area and my family got together for a BBQ. It was fun. My niece and nephews were selling candy for a fundraiser for their swim team. Tony always said I was a sucker for a fundraiser, and he's right. I bought 20 lollipops for "my girls", and some candy bars. I told my nephew, Josiah, that I needed 20 lollipops to give to my girls for the Oscars. He thought that was cool. Then he slyly asked me if I was sure I would only have 20 girls for the Oscars. That sneaky, adorable kid! I almost bought more! Don't tell him, but I could have used more.

So, today has been a bit weepy. I tear up quite often today. I went to bed last night with a crying headache. I took a nap today because I still had the headache. (It did go away for a little while during lunch.) I got to have lunch with Mark Denning. That was cool. We (my parents and Ben along with Mark) had a good talk over a good lunch.

So I chose joy yesterday during most of the day. The video hit me, and I didn't want to have joy. I wanted to crawl into a ball and whine about how unfair life is. I chose joy (I didn't really have time to whine) and finished out my shift working the Oscars. By the time I got home I was so exhausted. I went almost straight to bed and slept well. Today has been harder to choose joy. I feel sorrow all the way through to my innermost being. I choose joy by getting hugs and love from others. I choose joy by stealing Brighton and Kennedy from their parents, so I can have kids in the 2's room where I'm working. I choose joy by teaching Emery how to blow kisses and then doing knuckles. I choose joy by loving on my daughter. (She's doing my hair right now.) I choose joy by getting the thoughts out of my head by writing this blog.   JOY

KidStuf

I missed Tony a lot today. So many times I wanted to tell him something and then remember. So many times I found something that he would enjoy and then remember.

Tonight's KidStuf was dedicated to Tony. It was really nice. My sister, Katie, sat in the back with me. We cried together. We had a box of Kleenex. I started to pull out my phone so I could video something to show Tony later. Then I remembered. Tonight hurt...physically. I chose to have joy though by hanging with the little ones. I got to see my niece, Gianna, and get lots of hugs. I got to do knuckles with Emery. Then I filmed a commercial with my high school girls.   JOY

The Nothing Day

Today, I did nothing. I felt a little guilty at first; then I got over it. Julia (she reads my blogs sometimes) did not want to sleep last night. That made it so I didn't get to sleep very much last night. We are sharing a bed. Yay! I didn't mind sharing until last night. So this morning, she didn't want to get up; neither did I. Jeremiah couldn't sleep last night, so he did his school work. Pretty cool. I didn't know though, so I tried to wake him up. He politely told me that he did his work, and he wanted to sleep until noon. I said okey dokey. So neither kids wakes up...I decided to go back to bed. (Usually the kids not waking up doesn't stop me from continuing to wake them up. I only had a little over 3 hours of sleep. I let it go.)

I checked my email and my phone all day. NOTHING! I did not get any updates. Another reason sleep was good.

I finally took my shower and got dressed (yes, I was in my pajamas all day...I even went on an errand like that) around 5pm. Then I ran an errand with my mom for something for the Oscars. Then my kids called me to meet them at Target. We had a fun evening together.

Jeremiah told me that a few days ago, he saw a red Explorer with a license plate that started exactly like ours. Not only that, but a bald dude with a goatee was driving. He decided to follow the dude to make sure it wasn't Tony. And luckily it was not. Then he asked me if I would rather that have been Tony and he faked his own death and ditched his family...OR would I rather he have died knowing he loved his wife and kids? Wow! That's a tough question. I think I'd rather have it as it is now. Death (with love), I think, would be better than betrayal? Something to think about.

Did I make the point that I didn't hear about Tony's remains? Did I also mention that I didn't get a preliminary autopsy report? It doesn't really matter. I just HATE the waiting game. I chose to have joy today by spending time with the kids. We discussed a lot of things. We had fun. We changed our cell phone service. We got new phones. We laughed at Tony's old password (86753099...do you get it?). We hung out together. We loved. We planned what we were going to do tomorrow night for KidStuf. We talked about behavior. We took videos of Grandma Karen singing to her old junior high record (vinyl) songs. We laughed because that's what Brignolios do...laugh.    JOY

Waiting Day

I was told that there was a big possibility that I would get Tony's remains today. So I waited and waited.... I checked my email this morning, and it said that I would get the preliminary results today. So I waited and waited......

That's right. Nothing. I did miss a phone call during the day, but they didn't leave a message. I have said before that I HATE waiting. So I got to wait today. I guess I will wait tomorrow. Wait...let me go check my email again. Nope. Nothing.

Other than that (constantly waiting for the phone to call and checking the email constantly), the day was pretty good. I paid a couple bills. Found out that I might have 2 people interested in buying my house. That's good. Now I just have to come up with a price.

Tonight we worked on the Silent Auction Baskets for the BNC Youth Oscars. The Oscars are on Saturday! I am looking forward to it. It will be tough, but the kids are so cute. I think I know which baskets I want to bid on. I probably won't win, but I want to bid anyway.

Then I got to sneak out of that and pray with the junior high girls at Youth Group. That was cool. They are really nice. I also worked on getting the buckets ready for children's church on Sunday. That was tedious, so it was good.

I saw a bunch of older couples today. It occurred to me that I didn't get to do that anymore. I don't have anyone to grow old with now. It didn't hurt as much as I thought it would. I was kinda happy about that.

Did I tell you that I checked my phone and my email constantly today? Yep, I thought so. While doing most of the above mentioned activities, I was waiting....and it was fun (not really). But I did choose joy today even while waiting. I talked to the ladies at the pharmacy, and they gave me a card. They all loved Tony. I talked to the boss lady at our mobile home park. She made sure to give me special treatment. She loved Tony. I learned this week that I may not want to go through this, but I can do it. That's my motto for the week. I CAN DO THIS.      JOY

The Week of Firsts

My brain doesn't really want to work today. Yesterday was a hard day. I had to go sign papers that said I was done with Tony's body. I know it's just a body and not him, but it was so final. I super duper lost it. They are supposed to be cremating him today (probably why the brain isn't working). They said that I will probably get him back tomorrow. Yay! (read the "yay" with sarcasm) I quit thinking about it, but that makes it hard to think about anything.

My kids got keepsakes of their dad. Jeremiah chose a key chain. It looks like a lightsaber handle. I thought it looked pretty cool and very appropriate. Julia chose a glass necklace in green for dad's favorite color. It's the one I would have picked for her if I had chosen. Then we got a mini urn in green. It's technically the kids, but it will be around the house for awhile. I don't know what I think about it. It's a beautiful urn. It's not Tony. It's ashes which is kinda disgusting, but it is for the kids. I think they need that. Julia asked me if I was getting a keepsake. I told her if I needed something to remind me of her dad, I would just look at her and her brother. They are very much their father's kids. Sometimes that's hard. Sometimes that's fun.

This Friday night is KidStuf. The last KidStuf was Tony's last one. He did an awesome job. His dad asked me how he memorized his lines. I told him that he didn't. He would get the jist of the lines and then wing it. It was impossible for him to memorize anymore. So I have decided to attend KidStuf, but I don't want to work it. I want to be able to sit in the back and cry as much as I want. Then Saturday is our first family function (my niece's bday). We are making it as easy as possible to have a "Brignolio family function" without one of the Brignolios. 

Saturday night is the BNC Youth Oscars. I love the Oscars. Tony and I have presented an award for quite a few years. Each year we would come up with something bigger and better. Last year, we had to go low key because Tony couldn't handle too much. This year I was going to ask to opt out because I didn't think Tony could do it at all. Now I will opt out because I don't want to do it alone (without Tony). I will be attending. My "girls" (they are sophomores now) are making a video. I am proud of them. I can't wait to see what the rest of "my kids" do for their movies. They are so creative. I love them. They have definitely helped me keep moving on. I don't know what I would do without my BNC "Kids."

This morning I worked in the Nursery. I love those kids too. They force me to get over myself and smile. Luckily we only had 4 cute little ones. (There were 4 kids total. They were all cute.) Yesterday was so tiring that I wanted to fall asleep. Towards the end I did get one little guy to fall asleep. I wanted him longer, so that would give me an excuse to fall asleep, too. After all that, I ate lunch and had a nap. The nap was awesome (except the dogs woke me up with their barking).

So, this is a week of firsts. I am not looking forward to it. It super sucks. Today, I chose to do nothing. I chose to focus on nothing and just have joy. I laughed a lot. I worked with kids of all ages. It gave me a reason to keep moving on.  JOY

This Counts as Sunday

So, here I am, awake at 3:30am. This was Tony's "magical" time (make sure you read "magical" with extreme sarcasm). Somehow he would always wake me up at this time. Either he had to use the bathroom, or he was just getting to sleep. Whatever it was, often I would be awake and unable to go back to sleep. But there's no Tony here this time, so it should be against the law to be awake this early in the morning. Like the title says, this counts as Sunday. Morning hasn't really started, so it's the middle of the night still. This definitely does not count as Monday morning.

So I wanted to write out the reasons I know this is God's timing because I can feel the anger coming. Like I've said before, I'm not looking forward to anger. But I'd do anger a million times before I want to do depression. So here goes.

1. Tony was really, really bad at the end. He would be so miserable now.
2. We only had 7-8 weeks left when he died to be able to file a death suit with the insurance company. That one is amazing.
3. I had a miscarriage many years ago. I thought that was the worst pain a person could possible go through. It showed me that I needed people to get through pain like that. It made me learn how to reach out to others for survival. That has helped me greatly in the last two and a half weeks.
 
Dude, I'm totally stuck here. I know my brain wouldn't shut up earlier about all the reasons. That's another reason that this is still the middle of the night. We can work on more reasons later.

I pretty much gave myself the entire weekend off. We did a normal thing on Saturday and went to the Fabulous Ladies Luncheon. This is something Shari, my mom, Julia, and I have gone to for many years. It's a fun time for a bunch of ladies to get together, talk, and try to with some awesome prizes. Oh, yeah, it also raises money for different charities. So, that was fun. Then Sunday, I decided we'd do things as closely to the "old normal" as possible. It turned out fairly well. I enjoyed the weekend.

Now, I get to get back into the routine of the "new normal." I get to call Bay Area Cremation and PathServe to make sure that everything is completed there. I get to pay them my fortune (thank you everyone for donating to Joy's fortune fund to pay for weird expenses). I get to make sure social security has changed everything for me. I know there's more, but it's the middle of the night. The brain isn't working quite well.

I believe I have written enough to get my brain to shut up enough to go back to sleep. I hope I have written enough to get my brain to shut up enough to go back to sleep. That's why I write...to get my brain to shut up. Yep, the brain is pretty empty now. I can't think of anything else. Yay!!! Something about choosing joy...blah, blah, blah.....sleep.....    JOY