Trust and Baggage

Jimmy, our youth group leader, talked about baggage last night. It was really good. When we got to small group time, I asked my girls if they ever gave God their baggage and then took it back. I also asked them if they ever were afraid to give God their baggage. Then I asked them if they ever felt like they didn't trust God to take care of their baggage appropriately.

That's where I'm at. I trust God, but I don't trust Him. How does that work? I don't really know, but that's what I've been dealing with for quite awhile. I feel like I have given God my baggage, and He has taken it and given back the worst possible scenario I could think of.

It's like that old joke, "It can't get any worse...", and then it does. I feel like that is what I have been going through for years...except I haven't been stupid enough to say, "It can't get any worse." I gave God my baggage about my husband's injury. God proceeded to let Tony's memory get worse. I gave God my baggage that I realized I was not going to get my happily ever after. God proceeded to take my husband's strength. I finally just gave God Tony. God proceeded to take him. 

I'm afraid to give God my baggage concerning my children, my finances, my want of a home, my future, my happiness. What if I give God these things, and He "betrays" me. I know it's not really betrayal; it just feels like that sometimes.

That's it. This is what I'm thinking about right now. My mom reminded me that I need to write them down, so I can deal with them better. It's been working, so I guess I will try to write more frequently again. They might be short but whatever.

So I have been choosing joy these past few days. I chose joy by hanging out with my fellow singles. I chose joy by enjoying my SF Giants. I chose joy by writing these thoughts out. I have had 4 happy days in a row. I hope this doesn't jinx it, but I am happy. It feels good. I choose joy by just reveling in the happiness.                                  JOY

The Final Outcome

Yes, I am singing a song in my head right now because of the title. This blog has taken a long time to write and post. I have been going through many, many different emotions.

So the court case is officially done. It originally started when the insurance company kept denying help for Tony's head injury that he got on the job. We had to get a lawyer involved so that we could get testing approved and hopefully get a cure. When Tony died it became a death suit. I believe that the insurance company is responsible for Tony's death by negligence. It cannot be proved. Even though I can prove a brain injury through the autopsy, no connection can be found between the brain injury and the heart attack.

I went to my lawyer's office for mediation. What is mediation? Well...me, my lawyer, the insurance company's lawyer, and a mediator (a dude who used to be a judge and now works as a go-between between lawyers) sit down and discuss financial settlement to make this end. Luckily I only had to say hello to the bad lawyer dude, and then I got to spend the rest of the time in my lawyer's office. We spouted out a number to make the insurance company go away. They came back with a lower number. We spouted another number. He said they could only go this high.

For me, it wasn't about the money. I wanted the insurance company to admit guilt in a tiny way (the only way they can admit guilt is through money). I was hoping for a decent amount however to help my kids make it through life. I kinda was hoping for a slightly easier life... I guess I got a little selfish. 

The hardest part of the day was when the mediator told me that my case was one of the worst cases he has seen. He said that as a judge, he would love to give me all the money he could. I deserved it. The problem is that the law says no, he can't. For awhile, when the mediator and my lawyer were talking, I could only sit on the couch (with my eyes closed), cry, and answer their questions. It was so absolutely painful. One of the most painful moments of my life.

Two positives...when the bad lawyer gave his final number...financially...that he was informed by the insurance company that he was allowed to give me...he gave me the number and it didn't include all the fees I would need to pay...so I got more than expected. Then my lawyer...who hadn't expected this...said she would do the same. So I ended up with about $5000 more than we all expected. Bonus!

Negative...I talked to God and told him that the lowest number I thought I could live with...hopefully to help me make a down payment on a house...was $50,000. I also told him how much I really wanted to help me feel better. So I ended up with the lowest number plus my bonus money. Cool but disappointing.

Now I realize that I underestimated how much I would need for a down payment. I definitely don't have enough. So I am now looking at renting...hopefully I can find a good place, in a good neighborhood, who will allow 3 dogs...my kids have requested to not lose any more things in their life aka their dogs.

So I have considered have a gofundme to help me get a house. Can't you just see it? If you donate this much, you are invited to the house warming party. This much and you can even have a tour of the new home. This much more and you can have snacks at the house warming party. Bonus...if you give this much, you can come to a movie night at our house! The best friend level, you get all of the above including a keychain or t-shirt that says, "Joy got a house and all I got was this lousy keychain/t-shirt." That's as far as I could get with rewards. If you have any ideas for more, let me know. Maybe I will offer a picture with me...or an autograph...one of my SF Giants shirts...I could make you earrings or a necklace... I think I'm getting a little carried away.

Okay, so what do I learn today? Nothing much. My mom reminded me that I should get to writing my blog. It might help me start sleeping again...yep, I haven't been sleeping. So we will see. I chose joy by finishing this blog. I chose joy by continuing to work on a different blog post...that I don't think I will post...it's kinda embarrassing. I chose joy by dyeing my blond spot in my hair again...this time it was blue/green. I liked it. I chose joy by going out to lunch with girlfriends. I chose joy by attending my first Giants game of the year. So I have been choosing joy recently. Don't ask about a few weeks ago. I didn't choose joy for quite awhile. It sucked. Anyway, that's it. I shortened it up a bit. Feel free to ask me questions. Yes, I still get angry, but that's okay.                                       JOY

The Dreaded Forgetting

How do you forget that your husband died? (rhetorical...please don't answer) It's been a year. Wouldn't you think that this might be a regular fact in my life? But that's exactly what did happen. I ran across an old friend, and mid conversation wanted to invite him to have dinner just the 3 of us to catch up. There is no 3 of us. Mid sentence I realized what I was saying. Wow! The pain in that moment! I couldn't figure out what to say...I couldn't finish the conversation...I just mumbled, stopped talking, and walked away. Awkward! I wanted to cry, scream, break things, hit things... It was bad enough that I ended up with a migraine the next day. That, combined with the year-mark, created a minor set-back in feeling good.

I'm working at breaking out of the depression. Julia and I are practicing a lip sync. We are planning our spring break trip (super cheap so we don't take from the "trying to buy a house" fund). We are working at socializing...socializing is hard. I'm trying to get caught up at work. I'm going to my personal trainer tonight...maybe she can get me motivated...I quit going for several weeks. I finally added some color to my hair again...it's purple/pink on my blond spot...Julia has blue...hers looks awesome. The future looks long and hard, but I'm working at it. I'm trying to choose to wake up, get up, and do something (please no negative comments...this in itself is a huge accomplishment)(and yes, I have received negative comments)...there are many times that all I accomplish is waking up. I feel like a failure, but I know this is a false thought. So I'm working on that. I'm finding reasons to laugh. Laughter makes life easier...and funner.

I am choosing joy again. How? Pretty much the entire second paragraph is how...go back and read it. I kinda feel like this is short and depressing, but it's not really. It's just life. Life is hard; I'm working on making it easier and more enjoyable. If I have to live, then I want to laugh. Oh, I almost forgot. Joy is easier to choose now that the Giants are back to playing some ball.                                  JOY



P.S. The title made me giggle because it reminds me of The Dread Pirate Roberts from Princess Bride.

The Year-Mark

I thought the "Year-Mark" was going to have a magical moment when things would feel a bit better. I thought wrong. It's just another day...but a day full of reminders...not good ones. Reminders of giving him a hug goodbye (okay, that one is good)...figuring out when to meet Tony, get the kids, and what we were going to eat for dinner...of a phone call...looking for his kindle because he might get bored in the hospital...calling my mom to keep my kids just a little longer...driving to the hospital...seeing his ambulance just waiting at the back doors of the hospital and nobody getting out...getting the look when I checked in at the hospital...getting to have two people to walk me down the hallway to explain about my husband...hearing them working on my husband on the other side of the curtain...calling my mom that she needed to get the kids to the hospital...getting tons of the look...getting told that they are going to have to stop working on him and call it...calling my mom and telling her they didn't need to hurry...hearing them call it (time of death)...waiting while they cleaned him up so I could see him...seeing him...hurrying outside so I could hurl...being extremely hot...waiting for family.........

I also remembered who I was before and who I am now. Before: I accepted stress like it was a competition. Now: Stress happens. Before: I was concerned with "not causing others to stumble in their faith" even to an extreme. Now: I believe that the key to life is to love. Everything else is second. Before: I DID NOT swear. Now: I'm not opposed to swearing. Before: Raunchy jokes are NOT good. Now: I'm not opposed to raunchy jokes; I may even tell some. Before: I was usually too tired or didn't have time to hang with my kids. Now: My kids are the most important thing in my life. Before: I was very strict; following the rules was most important. Now: I'm more flexible; bending the rules is acceptable at times. Before: Public embarassment is not okay. Now: Public embarassment is pretty awesome...especially if it makes the kids laugh. So there are good and not so good differences. Do I like these differences? Are these "now" things okay? I'm not completely sure what I think of the new me.

I remember all the "firsts" and all the accomplishments.
     BNC Oscars
     Job Upgrade
     Throwing the First Pitch for a Baseball Game
     Relay for Life
     Santa Cruz trip
     Creating a Budget
     My First Child's Graduation from High School
     HS Graduation Party
     College Orientation for the Boy Child
     Other Boy Child's Graduation from Marine Boot Camp
     Father/Daughter Dance
     One Direction Concert
     Ambulance Ride
     Joined a Gym
     Got a Personal Trainer
     Birthdays, Anniversaries, Funerals, Trips, Holidays, etc. I wrote about many others on my other blog posts.

The year-mark ended up being much harder than expected...and the pain lasted longer than expected. I finally had to realize that the year-mark was causing me such depression that I had to pay attention to it so it didn't move into suicide. It was relatively close...not to the act, but to the momentum that would take me to the act of suicide. My counselor/therapist/friend helped me see how far I was. Once I acknowledged it, I was able to deal with it. Once I dealt with it, it got better. I'm still not awesome, just not on the path to suicide. In some way this year is worse than last year...nothing can top last year.

So how did I choose joy during the year-mark? I didn't. I chose not to have joy. I chose to sleep and cry and barely survive. I chose to neglect others...well, that's not exactly a choice...it just happened...because I neglected  people. So now I'm trying to figure out who I am now that I'm 41 and a widow, without a home, with 2 kids, and if I like that person. Don't worry; I mostly like her. And now I might start choosing joy again...probably will...definitely will...yep.                                                                            JOY





































































 I love you mom

Strong vs. Broken

Most of my days I live in the "new normal" phase. Life is life. I just walk through it and live it. I am neither strong nor weak. I am neither super happy nor super sad. Life would probably be easier if I could live every day like this. But I love the "strong" days. They are so awesome. But I HATE the "weak/broken" days. I would rather do 100 blah days than one moment of a weak/broken day.

STRONG
Recently I had an awesome "strong" couple of days. I went on my first alone vacation. I was offered the rest of a friend's week at their timeshare. All of my friends had just started back to work or their kids had just started school after the holidays. My kids didn't really want to go with me. (They were going to go with me, but only because they felt guilty and didn't want me to go alone.) I decided that I needed to try this alone thing sometime. So I headed up to Arnold...alone...if you hadn't figured that out.

I went to the market to stock up on some food. Then I vegged out at the cabin for a day and a half. I watched 7-8 movies and read 2 books over the entire trip. It was awesome. I loved it. It was short enough that I didn't have time to get annoyed with myself or go stir crazy.

I really wanted to go to the redwoods, but I was nervous. On the last full day, I decided that I would annoy myself if I didn't make it to the redwoods. So off I went to Calaveras State Park. I got quite a few looks. I guess it's unusual to go alone especially if you are a woman. I went to the gift shop/museum. All 3 people working stopped and stared when I entered. Oh, I guess I should tell you that I was in short sleeves and everyone else was bundled up in jackets, scarves, and gloves. (I honestly didn't think it was that cold...one of the side effects of grief for me.) That might have been why they stopped and stared. Whatever.

I ended up taking the walk through the woods. It was so beautiful. I could hear people around me, but I stayed away from most everyone. I also got stares when I passed groups of people...that one was because I was alone. At one time during the walk, I was completely alone...I was checking out the nature...enjoying the animals. I realized that I was able to do this because I was alone. The birds and squirrels came out and played because I was quiet and still. The best part was when a woodpecker came out to join me. He was so close to me. He was beautiful. This is one of the animals I have always wanted to see. He kept hopping around the trees, pecking at them...it was awesome. I had an amazing experience in nature, thanking God for allowing me to have this moment.

I tried to take selfies of myself with the redwoods because that's all I could do. I wanted desperately to have my picture taken in one of the trees. I ended up waiting around for forever until someone finally showed up. I almost gave up because it was taking so long for someone to come. But I got it. I also got the "wow, you're alone! you are brave." I pretty much agree on that. It felt good.  

                                                                                     

WEAK/BROKEN
Right now I am feeling broken. I am moving toward the year anniversary date of Tony's death, but I'm doing it kicking and screaming and sobbing. This is much harder than I expected. Julia and I decided that in some ways it feels like he just died a month ago, and other times it feels like it's been 5 years. The closer I get to February 12th, the angrier I get and the more I just want to break out into sobs...no matter where I am. I am back to just wanting to sleep. If I sleep, I don't have to acknowledge...I don't have to think...I can pretend...I don't have to make decisions...I don't have to work so hard at living life.

I have been going through Tony's papers because I have a deposition coming up. The lawyers have decided that they want to hear from me. I'm quite nervous about it. So I was in a back corner of McDonald's (I thought I could hide there) and I came across papers with Tony's doodles on it. Along with several shapes and drawings, he had written my name two different ways. I lost it. I tried to hold it in, but noooooo, I had to go sobbing...loudly...poor dude who was kinda near me. It was the ugly cry...in public...awesome...that awesome was sarcastic.

Other things that happen when I'm having weak moments...everything is overly emotional. I listen to a song and cry. I watch a movie and cry. My kids do something awesome, and I cry. Okay, sometimes I don't actually cry. I'm getting good at bottling it up and just letting the eyes get weepy-looking. (I feel I need to remind you that when I cry I get red-faced, splotchy...that's why it's called the ugly cry...besides the ugly sounds I make.) It super sucks. I hate crying. I hate the weak days. I don't even want to write about them...if I could remember them...I kinda block them out of my memory.

So there you have it. The topic that has been bothering me for weeks. So how do I choose joy in the middle of the weak times (it's easy to choose joy during the strong tmes)? I don't really know. It's hard to choose joy when all you want to do is sleep. I guess I choose joy by continuing to do daily activities. I choose joy by hanging with my kids. I choose joy by attending plays that one of "my kids" is in. I choose joy by loving on others...as much as I am able. I guess that's it. I wake up, and I try...sometimes.                                    JOY

Thanks to the SF Giants

This is a blog I've wanted to write for a few months. This is my story as a fan. First I want to say thank you to my SF Giants, my Gamer Babes and Dudes, and my family and friends for helping me get through 2014. I was dreading October because it was Tony's bday, and the regular baseball season would be over. 

So, here's my SF Giants story. It begins in 1991 when I met Tony, the man who would be my husband for 21 years. When we met, I was an A's fan (sorry). We quickly fell in love, and he informed me that I had to like the Giants now. Over the course of a few years, he showed me how awesome the Giants were. By the time we had our son, we were a Giants family. We even took our boy to the final game at Candlestick....one of my favorite memories. 

Moving ahead to 2009...Tony was injured on the job. It was pretty bad. We realized that he wouldn't be able to do some of the things we loved to do together including going to games. He encouraged me to attend games with my girlfriends. So I would go to the game, and he would watch it or listen to it. Then we could talk it over later. Because of this time with my girlfriends and chats with my husband I became a die hard, stat knowing, every player loving fan. (I do have a couple favorite favorite players...Jeremy Affeldt, Brandon Crawford...dude, I should probably just list off everyone...Buster, Matt, Hunter, Sergio, Joe, Brandon...... )
 I got to attend the home opener in 2010. I become pathetically superstitious. What a great year for our Giants. What a dream come true for my fellow fans. The Giants did it again in 2012...amazing!

Then 2014 arrived. My Tony wasn't doing so well. I had received my 6 pack of Giants tickets for Christmas as usual. February 12, 2014, my husband died, suddenly and unexpectedly. He was doing what he loved...helping coaching baseball at the local high school. Around the time the initial shock wore off, it was time to attend my first Giants game. I was happy for the normalcy of this. However, when an amazing play was made, I grabbed my phone to text my husband. The rest of the game was hard...so many firsts...hearing one of "our songs"... I was probably the only person there crying while everyone celebrated a win. The rest of the season went by, and I began to get back into fully enjoying the games. I started to dread September though because that's my anniversary month. I had a ticket to the game the day before my anniversary. I decided to celebrate and get tickets for my anniversary as well. What better way to celebrate your anniversary than with the Giants! I asked my fellow Gamer Babes if they had any ideas. They told me about the Dugout Suite at the Hotel Union Square. What a great place. My girlfriends and I booked the night. We did lots of Giantsy things around the city for my anniversary. Hotel Union Square and my Gamer Babes gave me presents and cards. It ended up being absolutely perfect. Thank you, Mary Rose Parkman, and the rest of of the Gamer Babes. 

I had originally thought that the season would end in September. I wasn't looking forward to October (Tony's bday) and the rest of the holidays. So, of course, my SF Giants decided to help me out. They played and played and made it to the World Series. Then, they decided to help me out some more and made the series go 7 games...all the way to his bday. I know that they of course only did that for me...haha. I still want to say thank you. I honestly didn't know how I would make it through October. I got to talk about my man to whoever would listen (during the games). I had people cheering for the Giants who wouldn't normally be fans (just for me...this one is true...it really was just for me...they told me). I had Dodgers fans who weren't completely disgusted that we won the series because they were happy for me. It felt like the world around me unified. I felt so awe-struck that this would happen this year just when I needed it. It felt like it was all for me...I know it's not...I know others have stories...I know that none of the Giants knows I exist...but it was still amazing and awesome and I will claim that it was just for me. 

So I want to say thank you to my family for being there for me. Thank you to my friends for putting up with me during this season. Thank you friends who aren't fans who rooted for my boys. Thank you to my girlfriends who stood beside me this year and let me cry at Giants games and helped me create new good memories. Thank you Gamer Babes and Dudes for loving on me and helping me feel connected to a bigger family. And finally, thank you, SF Giants for living out the "together" slogan. You really made it feel like we were family (while you did the hard work and we sat around yelling and screaming). 
-JOY (a grateful fan)

Christmas, New Year's Eve, and 2015

The time between Thanksgiving and New Year's has been extremely hard. I originally dreaded Christmas. Then we decided to go away for Christmas, and I began to get excited. I had a blast buying presents. Then, it got close to Christmas, and I just freaked. Both kids let me know they hated Christmas and didn't want to do it. I encouraged Julia to enjoy the season by getting her an advent calendar with a different nail polish or nail jewels each day. That seemed to work. 

The Brignolio, Harvey, and Lyles clans stayed at a cabin in Twain Harte. It was interesting. We had a good time...especially with 16 people under one roof. The kids and I slept in the living room. It was comfortable, but very little privacy. The kids went to the snow for a tiny bit...the perfect amount of time. I slept. We crossed something off Tony's bucket list. I got to see an old friend.

This was the first New Year's Eve that I didn't spend the night at BNC's Youth Group All-nighter. I was mostly looking forward to it. Julia went with me. Miah worked it. I made it a little over an hour, and then I just couldn't do it anymore. I asked Bryan if I could let him down and go home. He said yes. I grabbed Julia, and we went home. Well, we stopped and bought donuts first. We watched the ball drop while Julia skyped with her friend. We had a good time, I think.

I'm having a difficult time thinking of 2015...at least these first two months. Last year at this time, I had to acknowledge that my husband wasn't going to get better...unless we had a miracle...or the insurance company approved something that helped him. In just a few weeks, I would watch my precious man begin his fast descent into miserableness. What do I remember about the Super Bowl last year? Tony didn't attend his friend's party because he was shaking so bad. He didn't mind his friend seeing him that way, but they had others over as well. He didn't like people seeing him so out of control. Shortly after that, I watched him act in his last performance. I watched from the audience, praying constantly that he wouldn't shake, that he would remember what he was supposed to say, that he'd be able to complete the performance, knowing that I'd have to talk to him about not performing anymore...soon I knew that I'd have to talk to him about probably stopping coaching baseball...and then it got worse...and then I got the phone call...

I wonder what year 2 will feel like. I wonder if it will be easier.

For the first time ever I made New Year's Resolutions. Here they are.

     1. Go to at least 2 Giants games.

     2. Take a nap instead of working.

     3. Take a nap at work (I will clock out.).

     4. Wake up at least once a day.

     5. Eat at least once a day.

     6. Use the bathroom at least once a day.

     7. Get a tattoo.

     8. Dream about getting a house.

     9. Save at least $1 a month.

     10. Have a car that runs well (A/C, heater, power steering, and defroster).

     11. Work out at least once a week.

     12. Eat at Johnny Rockets at least once a quarter.

     13. Come up with 2 more resolutions.

There...15 resolutions for '15.

Oh, I just thought of another one.

     14. Choose joy at least once a month.

Now I only need one more. Cool. How about...

     15. Eat chocolate every day.

I like that one. Okay. Some of these will be easy. Some I hope will happen. Some I don't care if I fail them.

I choose joy by making stupid resolution. I chose joy by shooting nerds at people. I chose joy by learning how to shoot krabby patty containers with Julia. Yep. Most of my choosing joy things are silly and childish, but they make me laugh. My new life motto is "If I have to live, then I want to laugh." Maybe I should get that in tattoo version...lol...kinda...really just joking.......                                                                                 JOY