Jimmy, our youth group leader, talked about baggage last night. It was really good. When we got to small group time, I asked my girls if they ever gave God their baggage and then took it back. I also asked them if they ever were afraid to give God their baggage. Then I asked them if they ever felt like they didn't trust God to take care of their baggage appropriately.
That's where I'm at. I trust God, but I don't trust Him. How does that work? I don't really know, but that's what I've been dealing with for quite awhile. I feel like I have given God my baggage, and He has taken it and given back the worst possible scenario I could think of.
It's like that old joke, "It can't get any worse...", and then it does. I feel like that is what I have been going through for years...except I haven't been stupid enough to say, "It can't get any worse." I gave God my baggage about my husband's injury. God proceeded to let Tony's memory get worse. I gave God my baggage that I realized I was not going to get my happily ever after. God proceeded to take my husband's strength. I finally just gave God Tony. God proceeded to take him.
I'm afraid to give God my baggage concerning my children, my finances, my want of a home, my future, my happiness. What if I give God these things, and He "betrays" me. I know it's not really betrayal; it just feels like that sometimes.
That's it. This is what I'm thinking about right now. My mom reminded me that I need to write them down, so I can deal with them better. It's been working, so I guess I will try to write more frequently again. They might be short but whatever.
So I have been choosing joy these past few days. I chose joy by hanging out with my fellow singles. I chose joy by enjoying my SF Giants. I chose joy by writing these thoughts out. I have had 4 happy days in a row. I hope this doesn't jinx it, but I am happy. It feels good. I choose joy by just reveling in the happiness. JOY