The second year has been a bit different. Holidays are just holidays. Activities are just activities. There are no "firsts." The firsts have all happened already.
Recently I went to the Orange Conference with my bosses and others from BNC (my church and place or work). Orange is the philosophy that we use to teach and live as families in our church. It goes along these lines...we use the colors red and yellow...one represents how much time we have as parents to train our kids...the other is how much time the church has to train our children...together they create Orange...the church and family work together to raise Godly children. So picture a jar filled with marbles. Each marble depicts one week we have with our kids until they reach adulthood (18). My 12 year old's jar is getting so empty. I have a limited amount of time to contribute to who she will become as an adult. My 18 year old's jar is empty. He is an adult. I can still contribute to his life, but I am not guaranteed time. He will move away and have his own life.
This is completely off topic. I got to the conference. I checked in with my girl back home and made sure everything was good. I checked in with my boy. Everyone else was checking in with family back home. I picked up my phone to check in with Tony. Ouch!!!!! So I did something that I have done in the past. I called his number. This time was different. It said that it couldn't be completed and to try again. It kinda messed with me. 20 minutes later my phone rang. It said that my husband was calling me. I absolutely freaked out and threw my phone. That really messed with my head. Someone else has his number. It feels weird. I can no longer dial his number just to be reminded that yes, he really is gone. My weird, random happenstance of a first.
So what do I do to choose joy now? I'm not too sure. I try to be the widow that Tony would be proud of. I try to be the single mom that my kids would be proud of. I try to get up and do something each day. I choose to love. JOY