I have decided that I am grieving in the wrong order. I know. I know. There is no order. But I am finding myself finally doing what quite a few widows do immediately following the death of their husband. I am going comatose. Okay. Not really. I'm just suffering desperately from depression. All i want to do is sleep. I read a story once where a new widow did just that. She had friends and family over to take care of everything, and she stayed in her room and slept. I was intrigued by the fact that I didn't want to do that immediately following Tony's death. (I had a hard time sleeping. I kept waking up, realizing there was no snore...that it was real...panic a little...) At the time of his death, I realized that family and friends wouldn't be around for long, so I needed to use them now. I also realized that their were many of Tony's kids who were in a bit of pain and didn't know how to deal with it. So I had other things to think about...other things to help me heal...other people to focus on. Now, two years later, I am alone, and I want to finally do the sleep thing that others did before me. It's hard to do the sleep thing because I HAVE to work because I NEED the money to pay for expenses. There are no exceptions. I don't have a second person's income. I don't have another option for bonus money. This is it. So I get more depressed because I don't have time to be depressed. I get depressed because my life is focused on needing to work, so I can feed my kids...and sometimes take them to do fun things to take their mind off the fact that they are fatherless...yes, they still do have a problem with it. We talk about it. Then I get home from doing fun things and kick myself because I didn't really have the money to do it. So then I get depressed because I spent money that I didn't have...to do something that my kids needed to do...that doesn't really sound to others that my kids needed to do it. When you take the kids to Disneyland (which you used to call home away from home) and don't really enjoy it, you know you're depressed. It wasn't the people. It wasn't the lines. It wasn't even the money. I just felt like I would rather sleep at the hotel...which is weird because the beds weren't that great.
So here I am. Wading through a new step. Feeling like I should have done this a long time ago...mostly because I don't want to do it now.
How am I choosing joy? I am taking my meds, vitamins, etc. I am going out with friends. I am ignoring the money problems (I wish I was joking. Some day that's going to come back and bite me. I'm trying to have joy now, though, so...) I am loving on my kids. I am talking to my therapist/counselor/friend. I am reading. So, I'm back to kinda trying to choose joy. JOY