I have felt recently the need to write on a few topics. I also feel like it's all on never ending story of widowhood that nobody really wants to hear. It's sad, depressing, makes people feel guilty. But my brain has to get it out. Once again, this is for me and my sanity, but feel free to read it...as long as it's without judgment.
1. My health super sucks. I have spoken of it before. Recently more and more people have seen my weird health problems. It's much harder to hide it lately...I used lately because I've been writing recently too much recently...and it was bothering me...recently...off topic. I've had random bouts of vertigo, weird pains, spontaneous nausea, moments of paralysis, and my favorite...my body choosing to just shut down...I go kinda comatose until my body decides to work again. It's awesome. It's also hard to explain. It's very random. I regularly need a day to recover after a full day of activity...sometimes after a few hours of activity. Sometimes I even need a few hours to recover after my body has shut down. So this is life. I take vitamins, medications, but my physical activity is declining due to pain and exhaustion. I have been told a lot of my health is because of stress. I'm not quite sure how not to be stressed as a widow and single working mom.
2. I often have feelings of failure. My counselor/therapist/friend says that I need to start showing myself grace since I have no problem showing others grace. Easier said than done. I feel like I neglect my kids at times because of work and/or health. I feel like a failure at work...I feel like I mess up quite a bit. You can't see most of what I mess up on, but I get frustrated. When others do notice when I mess up, I fight the stupid feelings of just wanting to give up. Almost every time I mess up; however, is because of health. I messed up today. What you don't know is that I had to fill out papers once again to declare my husband dead. Even after 2+ years, it still hurts more than anything I have ever felt. Even after 2 years, there's still more times I'm going to have to fill out paperwork to say that my husband is dead. It never seems to go away. And it always hurts...which sets my health off...and I end up in bed trying to recover from the shock and pain and stress again...which makes me feel like a failure because I can't handle it...and then I neglect my kids...which makes me feel like a failure...which makes my health deteriorate again...which helps me forget important things I'm supposed to be doing...which makes me feel like a failure...vicious cycle.
So there you have it. The never ending saga of Joy's widowhood, health, and failure. How do I choose joy? My remembering that most people don't expect me to be perfect...I know I do have some people who do want me to be perfect...but I will focus on those with grace and love. I will enjoy my kids. They are super awesome and amazing. I thank God for them and their understanding of "mom sickness." That's what they call it. JOY
P.S. Don't get me started on the stress that comes from money...or lack of. That topic might be next.