Mixed Emotions

I really want to write about my Alaskan Family Reunion (Wacky Monkey) Cruise. But it's been really hard because I have such mixed emotions. I want to write about meeting one of Tony's friends, but it's hard because I have such mixed emotions. I want to write about speaking to the Youth Group, but it makes me kinda uncomfortable. (You thought I was going to say "mixed emotions" didn't you?)  I want to write about the Father Daughter Dance, but it's hard because I have such mixed emotions. I want to tell you about my plans for my upcoming anniversary....but...I have such mixed emotions.

There are so many good things about life. I want to shout it out so everyone can hear. Then I turn to tell Tony....and all of a sudden, I'm not so happy...the water works begin. (Have I told you recently how much I HATE crying?)

The Hard Things
1. The Cruise
I have only been on cruises with Tony. This cruise was on our (his) bucket list.

2. Ty Gagnon
This was one of Tony's most recent friends. He coached with Tony during fall ball. He was there when Tony collapsed. I just recently learned that he was the one who saw Tony, and told someone to call 911.

3. Youth Group
I wanted to talk about Friends and Friendship, but I got interrupted by God. I talked about depression and suicide. (not too hard, see, just a little uncomfortable)

4. Father Daughter Dance
I kept remembering Tony at the last one. I had to watch my daughter attend with her brother (awesome, I know, but painful).

5. 22nd Anniversary
I was so looking forward to my 25th. Ask me about this one. I have many things planned. If you can think of something to keep my mind off the anniversary thing, let me know.

The Awesome Things
1. My family is crazy weird. It's so cool. We laughed a lot. We shopped tons. It was awesome. Our room had a balcony, so we could see the ocean, the glaciers, whales, jellyfish, salmon...it was gorgeous. They had the most delicious dessert ever. Yummy. It was so good.

2. Tony's coach friend, Chris Jacot (he's my friend too), his wife (Cheryl), Linda Taylor (another of Tony's coach friend's wife), and I went to a Modesto Nuts game. Ty ended up pitching while we were there. It was really fun. Linda won a prize! We got to talk to Ty after the game. I gave him a hug (he gave me his hand for a hand shake, I gave him that, then a hug), and told him that I was thankful that he was there for Tony. I also got to meet Ty's mom and sister. It was a fun night.

3. I have experienced deep depression. I have actually made the decision to kill myself, but God intervened. I have some survivor's guilt about that. Not so much now that Tony is gone. I understand why I needed to live. I talked to the kids about the levels of depression. I told them about the lies they will hear that won't help. I told them steps to do to try to not reach the actually suicide decision time. It was good. I told them that if they didn't have someone in the world to talk to, I would be that person. Then I gave out my cell number. But I told them I only text. Of course, I got a million texts and a phone call. They are so cute.

4. The kids made matching shirts. We bought black t-shirts. We used a bleach pen on them and drew on ties. Jeremiah had a solid tie, and Julia had a striped tie. They looked adorable. I asked them to do one dance. They humored me. They stood facing each other, staring down at their own personal electronic devices while people danced near them. They are sooooo cute. They also sent me a selfie, so I had proof they were on the dance floor. I love them.

5. Most of the good stuff centers around the Giants. After a cry-y day today, I don't really want to talk about it. Feel free to ask me. I get animated when talking about the Giants. I love them, too.


So there you have it. Many topics, many mixed emotions. I'm trying to choose joy; however I also try to sleep 24/7 right now. I also try not to cry. Most of these are not working too well. You can look through the "Awesome Things" list to see the ways I'm using to choose joy.                      JOY

The 6 Month Wait for the Autopsy

I'm not sure which is better...waiting for the results from Tony's autopsy or receiving them.  The instinctual answer is receiving the results is definitely better. However, now it is DONE.

So the "pros" of being in the waiting part...I can get angry at someone I have never met and never will (and he has no idea how angry I am). Being angry is less painful than thinking about the finality of death. I can get angry at something that is completely beyond my control. 

The "cons" of the waiting...I begin to doubt. I fear the worst (they lost his body parts, they messed up). I don't have closure. I'm waiting, and waiting sucks. I think of all the worst-case scenarios. 

Now the "pros" of knowing...it's done. I don't have to wait for that part of life anymore. 

And the "cons" of knowing...being hit with the absolute finality of that part of my life. There is no going back. My dreams of my future are absolutely gone. Now begins the waiting game with the settlement (if there will be one). Now I have to start the waiting to see if the insurance company will admit they were wrong (because they were). I would love an apology, but I know I won't receive one. 

How have I been choosing joy recently? Thanks for asking. I'm moving on with my life. I'm hanging with Tony's coach friends (my friends too). I'm talking to fellow widows...little known fact, most widows I know hate the word "widow." I'm talking about Tony. I'm remembering Tony. I'm watching and talking baseball. I'm enjoying the gorgeous full moon. I'm finding humor in weird places. So there you have it. Life sucks, but I'm trying to see the non-sucky parts. Choosing joy...sometimes.                                   JOY


Oops! I forgot to tell you the results...he died from a heart attack. It says it in huge ginormous words. It also says that his brain was donated to the Mayo Clinic. I think that's cool. He will help in the education and learning of concussions. FYI, he was an organ donor, but because of the way he died he ewasnt able to donate. Now his brain has been donated, and he will hopefully be able to help others. There's some joy. 

Reader's Choice

I have so many things to write about. My brain is going wild. I have too many topics, so I would like help. Please choose what topic interests you, so I can begin writing again. Having too many topics is making it hard to write. Of course, the depression doesn't help. If you have questions or things you are curious about, you can add that, too. 

1. The pros and cons of taking a cruise that was on your deceased husband's bucket list. 
2. Anger vs. Depression in the world of grief. 
3. 6 months and no autopsy result. 
4. Acceptance and Bargaining in grief world. 
5. Joy's clubs she's created to make it easier (funnier?). 

Yay! I wrote something! Now please help me out and vote. Or submit a question. Or whatever. Choose joy!                             JOY