I'm not sure which is better...waiting for the results from Tony's autopsy or receiving them. The instinctual answer is receiving the results is definitely better. However, now it is DONE.
So the "pros" of being in the waiting part...I can get angry at someone I have never met and never will (and he has no idea how angry I am). Being angry is less painful than thinking about the finality of death. I can get angry at something that is completely beyond my control.
The "cons" of the waiting...I begin to doubt. I fear the worst (they lost his body parts, they messed up). I don't have closure. I'm waiting, and waiting sucks. I think of all the worst-case scenarios.
Now the "pros" of knowing...it's done. I don't have to wait for that part of life anymore.
And the "cons" of knowing...being hit with the absolute finality of that part of my life. There is no going back. My dreams of my future are absolutely gone. Now begins the waiting game with the settlement (if there will be one). Now I have to start the waiting to see if the insurance company will admit they were wrong (because they were). I would love an apology, but I know I won't receive one.
How have I been choosing joy recently? Thanks for asking. I'm moving on with my life. I'm hanging with Tony's coach friends (my friends too). I'm talking to fellow widows...little known fact, most widows I know hate the word "widow." I'm talking about Tony. I'm remembering Tony. I'm watching and talking baseball. I'm enjoying the gorgeous full moon. I'm finding humor in weird places. So there you have it. Life sucks, but I'm trying to see the non-sucky parts. Choosing joy...sometimes. JOY
Oops! I forgot to tell you the results...he died from a heart attack. It says it in huge ginormous words. It also says that his brain was donated to the Mayo Clinic. I think that's cool. He will help in the education and learning of concussions. FYI, he was an organ donor, but because of the way he died he ewasnt able to donate. Now his brain has been donated, and he will hopefully be able to help others. There's some joy.