Mixed Emotions

I really want to write about my Alaskan Family Reunion (Wacky Monkey) Cruise. But it's been really hard because I have such mixed emotions. I want to write about meeting one of Tony's friends, but it's hard because I have such mixed emotions. I want to write about speaking to the Youth Group, but it makes me kinda uncomfortable. (You thought I was going to say "mixed emotions" didn't you?)  I want to write about the Father Daughter Dance, but it's hard because I have such mixed emotions. I want to tell you about my plans for my upcoming anniversary....but...I have such mixed emotions.

There are so many good things about life. I want to shout it out so everyone can hear. Then I turn to tell Tony....and all of a sudden, I'm not so happy...the water works begin. (Have I told you recently how much I HATE crying?)

The Hard Things
1. The Cruise
I have only been on cruises with Tony. This cruise was on our (his) bucket list.

2. Ty Gagnon
This was one of Tony's most recent friends. He coached with Tony during fall ball. He was there when Tony collapsed. I just recently learned that he was the one who saw Tony, and told someone to call 911.

3. Youth Group
I wanted to talk about Friends and Friendship, but I got interrupted by God. I talked about depression and suicide. (not too hard, see, just a little uncomfortable)

4. Father Daughter Dance
I kept remembering Tony at the last one. I had to watch my daughter attend with her brother (awesome, I know, but painful).

5. 22nd Anniversary
I was so looking forward to my 25th. Ask me about this one. I have many things planned. If you can think of something to keep my mind off the anniversary thing, let me know.

The Awesome Things
1. My family is crazy weird. It's so cool. We laughed a lot. We shopped tons. It was awesome. Our room had a balcony, so we could see the ocean, the glaciers, whales, jellyfish, salmon...it was gorgeous. They had the most delicious dessert ever. Yummy. It was so good.

2. Tony's coach friend, Chris Jacot (he's my friend too), his wife (Cheryl), Linda Taylor (another of Tony's coach friend's wife), and I went to a Modesto Nuts game. Ty ended up pitching while we were there. It was really fun. Linda won a prize! We got to talk to Ty after the game. I gave him a hug (he gave me his hand for a hand shake, I gave him that, then a hug), and told him that I was thankful that he was there for Tony. I also got to meet Ty's mom and sister. It was a fun night.

3. I have experienced deep depression. I have actually made the decision to kill myself, but God intervened. I have some survivor's guilt about that. Not so much now that Tony is gone. I understand why I needed to live. I talked to the kids about the levels of depression. I told them about the lies they will hear that won't help. I told them steps to do to try to not reach the actually suicide decision time. It was good. I told them that if they didn't have someone in the world to talk to, I would be that person. Then I gave out my cell number. But I told them I only text. Of course, I got a million texts and a phone call. They are so cute.

4. The kids made matching shirts. We bought black t-shirts. We used a bleach pen on them and drew on ties. Jeremiah had a solid tie, and Julia had a striped tie. They looked adorable. I asked them to do one dance. They humored me. They stood facing each other, staring down at their own personal electronic devices while people danced near them. They are sooooo cute. They also sent me a selfie, so I had proof they were on the dance floor. I love them.

5. Most of the good stuff centers around the Giants. After a cry-y day today, I don't really want to talk about it. Feel free to ask me. I get animated when talking about the Giants. I love them, too.


So there you have it. Many topics, many mixed emotions. I'm trying to choose joy; however I also try to sleep 24/7 right now. I also try not to cry. Most of these are not working too well. You can look through the "Awesome Things" list to see the ways I'm using to choose joy.                      JOY