I have decided that I am grieving in the wrong order. I know. I know. There is no order. But I am finding myself finally doing what quite a few widows do immediately following the death of their husband. I am going comatose. Okay. Not really. I'm just suffering desperately from depression. All i want to do is sleep. I read a story once where a new widow did just that. She had friends and family over to take care of everything, and she stayed in her room and slept. I was intrigued by the fact that I didn't want to do that immediately following Tony's death. (I had a hard time sleeping. I kept waking up, realizing there was no snore...that it was real...panic a little...) At the time of his death, I realized that family and friends wouldn't be around for long, so I needed to use them now. I also realized that their were many of Tony's kids who were in a bit of pain and didn't know how to deal with it. So I had other things to think about...other things to help me heal...other people to focus on. Now, two years later, I am alone, and I want to finally do the sleep thing that others did before me. It's hard to do the sleep thing because I HAVE to work because I NEED the money to pay for expenses. There are no exceptions. I don't have a second person's income. I don't have another option for bonus money. This is it. So I get more depressed because I don't have time to be depressed. I get depressed because my life is focused on needing to work, so I can feed my kids...and sometimes take them to do fun things to take their mind off the fact that they are fatherless...yes, they still do have a problem with it. We talk about it. Then I get home from doing fun things and kick myself because I didn't really have the money to do it. So then I get depressed because I spent money that I didn't have...to do something that my kids needed to do...that doesn't really sound to others that my kids needed to do it. When you take the kids to Disneyland (which you used to call home away from home) and don't really enjoy it, you know you're depressed. It wasn't the people. It wasn't the lines. It wasn't even the money. I just felt like I would rather sleep at the hotel...which is weird because the beds weren't that great.
So here I am. Wading through a new step. Feeling like I should have done this a long time ago...mostly because I don't want to do it now.
How am I choosing joy? I am taking my meds, vitamins, etc. I am going out with friends. I am ignoring the money problems (I wish I was joking. Some day that's going to come back and bite me. I'm trying to have joy now, though, so...) I am loving on my kids. I am talking to my therapist/counselor/friend. I am reading. So, I'm back to kinda trying to choose joy. JOY
Wednesday, April 6, 2016
Tuesday, March 1, 2016
Health
I haven't written in a long time. Mostly because my health has been terrible. The other reason is because I feel like I'm such a downer...telling everyone that being a widow doesn't get better...at least not in 2 years...in some ways it's worse.
I've had bad health most of my life. In the last 7ish years, I've had to schedule my daily and weekly plans to make sure I had enough energy to do any activity and enough time to recover after. When Tony died, my health improved...it felt weird. I had the normal grief health problems, but the chronic health problems were gone. I thanked God constantly. It was so nice not to have these health problems after so many years. Then, at almost exactly the one year anniversary of Tony's death, my health deteriorated. All the old health problems were back. This year, as we were moving closer to the second anniversary, my body started to just shut down. I kept having all these really random problems with my health. I finally found out that your body can grieve as well as your mind. My body was grieving. It was terrible.I haven't experienced anything to awful with my health...ever. Now my body is back to normal...the normal of before Tony's death...the normal that included chronic health problems. My newest one is an eye problem. After complaining for many years about my eyes, my eye doctor finally told me that I have eye damage that can't be repaired...if something doesn't improve, i will go blind. One eye is already starting to go blind. Yay!!! I don't really want to talk about it.
So there's the update. How did I choose joy? I don't really anymore. I just make sure I wake up at least once a day, and eat once a day. That's it. JOY
I've had bad health most of my life. In the last 7ish years, I've had to schedule my daily and weekly plans to make sure I had enough energy to do any activity and enough time to recover after. When Tony died, my health improved...it felt weird. I had the normal grief health problems, but the chronic health problems were gone. I thanked God constantly. It was so nice not to have these health problems after so many years. Then, at almost exactly the one year anniversary of Tony's death, my health deteriorated. All the old health problems were back. This year, as we were moving closer to the second anniversary, my body started to just shut down. I kept having all these really random problems with my health. I finally found out that your body can grieve as well as your mind. My body was grieving. It was terrible.I haven't experienced anything to awful with my health...ever. Now my body is back to normal...the normal of before Tony's death...the normal that included chronic health problems. My newest one is an eye problem. After complaining for many years about my eyes, my eye doctor finally told me that I have eye damage that can't be repaired...if something doesn't improve, i will go blind. One eye is already starting to go blind. Yay!!! I don't really want to talk about it.
So there's the update. How did I choose joy? I don't really anymore. I just make sure I wake up at least once a day, and eat once a day. That's it. JOY
Thursday, December 31, 2015
2015
Last year, I made some New Year's Resolutions. I looked over them. Now let's evaluate them.
For the first time ever I made New Year's Resolutions. Here they are.
1. Go to at least 2 Giants games.
2. Take a nap instead of working.
3. Take a nap at work (I will clock out.).
4. Wake up at least once a day.
5. Eat at least once a day.
6. Use the bathroom at least once a day.
7. Get a tattoo.
8. Dream about getting a house.
9. Save at least $1 a month.
10. Have a car that runs well (A/C, heater, power steering, and defroster).
11. Work out at least once a week.
12. Eat at Johnny Rockets at least once a quarter.
13. Come up with 2 more resolutions.
There...15 resolutions for '15.
Oh, I just thought of another one.
14. Choose joy at least once a month.
Now I only need one more. Cool. How about...
15. Eat chocolate every day.
I had no problem with 1, 2, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 10, 12, and 13.
I didn't do 3, 9, 11, and 15.
I don't know if I did 14.
I was just going to re-write these resolutions out for this year, but I don't think I'm going to get a tattoo this year. I'm going to stop at 2 for awhile. I also don't want to think about getting a house...or moving...or anything that has to do with that. It's too stressful.I don't have money for a house, and moving expenses would take out the rest of my savings. My savings are quite low after all of the unexpected expenses.
This year has been interesting. I had my first alone trip. I made it to the year anniversary of the death of my husband...and survived. We moved into a house. Julia got sick and spent over 3 weeks in the hospital. We missed our summer concerts. Family and friends got together and sent us on vacations including seeing One Direction in Boston! We spent Thanksgiving in Disneyland. I invited family over to my place for part of Christmas. Now I'm having my first alone New Year's Eve...and I'm okay with that.
I've got through many stages of grief this year. I thought I had made it to acceptance. It felt good but scary. Then...I got to take the wonderful steps backwards and experience grief all over again...right from the beginning. I bargained with God again...although I really didn't do that too much at first. I got to be angry and then depressed again. I missed Tony so much that I sobbed...big, fat, ugly cry tears. I got to experience that moment when you see/hear something and turn to tell your main man...and then realize that he's not here...and hasn't been for almost 2 years...and realize for a moment you got to be married again to your soulmate...sweet, amazing misery...but I got to feel that feeling of being married again to the man I met at 18 and was with until I was 40...that was actually quite amazing...it was worth the pain...I'd love to have another moment like that...it was actually awesome enough that it didn't even feel that painful.
I decided that I'd end the year with things I'm thankful for and then some resolutions.
I'm thankful for my family and friends, my church family, my Relay for Life family, the SF Giants, One Direction, my new-to-me car, a house to live in, my daughter being alive, my daughter not having brain damage, an amazing trip to Boston, getting to see Rachel, the 1D boys loving on my girl, Harry Styles flirting with my mom, family time, Legoland, Disneyland, Flo's V-8 Cafe's authentic Thanksgiving dinner, awkward and loving it children, my kids' friends, a job that's mostly enjoyable, crafts, diet coke, uncrustables, random strangers who make our pictures funny and awesome, the colors orange and purple and probably teal/turquoise, glow in the dark, iPhones, toilet paper, contact lenses, sensitive skin soaps and shampoos, computers, pets, backyards, heaters, air conditioners, electricity, my son who helps me be a working, single mom, humor, my therapist/counselor/friend, cameras, adult coloring books, books, Domino's, etc. I'm going to stop there.
Resolutions for 2016:
1. Wake up at least once a day.
2. Go to 2 Giants games.
3. Eat at least once a day.
4. Work out at least once every two weeks.
5. Take my vitamins at least 4 times a week.
6. Love my kids.
7. Survive...this one is optional...jk
I don't feel like doing any more resolutions. I hate them. This year they are making me feel depressed, so I will stop.
I've gone over quite a few different things in this blog, so I will stop this also. How did I choose joy? I wrote my thankful for list. I made resolution...yes, they were easy...but I did it. I survived last year. So there you have it. I probably forgot a lot of stuff..but oh, well. JOY
Friday, December 18, 2015
Circle of Grief
I really like making my blog titles to remind me of songs or movies or stuff like that. It makes it more enjoyable...at least for me.
I got slightly excited and a bit weirded out by feeling like I was making it to the acceptance stage of grief. I was told that I could take a step back and go back through all the stages again or do all the stages but in the context of acceptance. I was totally excited about that...read with sarcasm. So, I decided that the beginning of grief was really fun, and I missed it so much. I decided to visit it again. I am all the way back to the beginning. I have had the absolute agonizing physical pain that comes with grief. I begin the think, which turns into wanting to cry, which turns into wanting to sob, which turns into the ragged-horrible ugly cry, which turns into the stabbing physical pain that just makes me want to scream out loud in agony. I feel the need to pace...the last time I did that was at the beginning of grief...by beginning, I mean the first week through the first few months. I didn't think I would ever go back that far. I feel really lucky to get to experience this again...please read with extreme sarcasm.
I believe it has to do with the holiday. It also has to do with feeling inadequate being a single, working mom. It also has to do with memories that keep coming up around this time. It also has to do with the neglect I've been feeling towards the insurance company. The only problem with the anger towards their neglect is that I am beginning to neglect my kids because of being a single, working mom...which makes me angry at myself...which makes me think back on what I had before...even when I had to neglect the kids with work, they still had dad to be with them...now they don't have either of us. Before you all start saying, "No, you are doing a great job.", you need to know that I am back to losing my relationship with my kids. We are still doing fine, but we aren't getting to hang out as much. They aren't sharing as much. I don't really have that much time with them. I'm having to re-evaluate my life and my commitments. I think I'm going to have to give up part of me to make sure that I don't lose my kids' part of my life. I'm nervous about what I will be giving up...what the consequences will be...but for my kids well-being, it should be worth it. I only have two teenagers for 7 months total, and I only have 5 more years until both my kids are adults. I think I can survive this. It might suck, but I think I can come out on the other side alive.
Anyway, grief is fun. I was just going to write my blog about how it's been at least a year and a half...suck it up...get over it...quit being a baby and get on with life...you have work and kids and friends that are being neglected, get a grip... Now, I'm just going to ignore most of that and get back to just trying to wake up at least once a day, eat at least once a day, enjoy my kids as much as possible, and survive. Sorry to disappoint everybody, but acceptance doesn't happen quickly, grief doesn't end miraculously at the year-aversary or at the year and a half mark, and maybe not even at the two year mark. I think I'm the most disappointed at this fact. I was looking forward to acceptance...kinda.
So how do I choose joy? I don't know. JOY
I got slightly excited and a bit weirded out by feeling like I was making it to the acceptance stage of grief. I was told that I could take a step back and go back through all the stages again or do all the stages but in the context of acceptance. I was totally excited about that...read with sarcasm. So, I decided that the beginning of grief was really fun, and I missed it so much. I decided to visit it again. I am all the way back to the beginning. I have had the absolute agonizing physical pain that comes with grief. I begin the think, which turns into wanting to cry, which turns into wanting to sob, which turns into the ragged-horrible ugly cry, which turns into the stabbing physical pain that just makes me want to scream out loud in agony. I feel the need to pace...the last time I did that was at the beginning of grief...by beginning, I mean the first week through the first few months. I didn't think I would ever go back that far. I feel really lucky to get to experience this again...please read with extreme sarcasm.
I believe it has to do with the holiday. It also has to do with feeling inadequate being a single, working mom. It also has to do with memories that keep coming up around this time. It also has to do with the neglect I've been feeling towards the insurance company. The only problem with the anger towards their neglect is that I am beginning to neglect my kids because of being a single, working mom...which makes me angry at myself...which makes me think back on what I had before...even when I had to neglect the kids with work, they still had dad to be with them...now they don't have either of us. Before you all start saying, "No, you are doing a great job.", you need to know that I am back to losing my relationship with my kids. We are still doing fine, but we aren't getting to hang out as much. They aren't sharing as much. I don't really have that much time with them. I'm having to re-evaluate my life and my commitments. I think I'm going to have to give up part of me to make sure that I don't lose my kids' part of my life. I'm nervous about what I will be giving up...what the consequences will be...but for my kids well-being, it should be worth it. I only have two teenagers for 7 months total, and I only have 5 more years until both my kids are adults. I think I can survive this. It might suck, but I think I can come out on the other side alive.
Anyway, grief is fun. I was just going to write my blog about how it's been at least a year and a half...suck it up...get over it...quit being a baby and get on with life...you have work and kids and friends that are being neglected, get a grip... Now, I'm just going to ignore most of that and get back to just trying to wake up at least once a day, eat at least once a day, enjoy my kids as much as possible, and survive. Sorry to disappoint everybody, but acceptance doesn't happen quickly, grief doesn't end miraculously at the year-aversary or at the year and a half mark, and maybe not even at the two year mark. I think I'm the most disappointed at this fact. I was looking forward to acceptance...kinda.
So how do I choose joy? I don't know. JOY
Tuesday, November 3, 2015
Uncomfortable, Weird New Step
I have decided that I don't miss my husband. I have also decided that it's okay to not miss him. However, it feels weird. It also feels like it should be wrong to not miss him...so soon...he was my one and only...
There's one thing that I have not accepted...how he died. I still get frightfully angry about that. I get angry that a company can have that much power, can neglect someone who they are supposed to be helping, and then not accept the consequences/guilt/whatever you want to call it and probably continue to do it to other innocent people. I walk around life these days, and the word that keeps yelling at me is NEGLECT. It hurts, and it makes me angry.
After I wrote my last blog post, I talked to my parents. I told them about this frustration with the negligence. My dad told me I needed to write about it. I feel like I've written about it and talked about it, but I don't know if I really have...at least the part of how I'm dealing with it during the acceptance step.
I have experienced guilt during the acceptance step. Now I'm experiencing anger during this acceptance step. Sometimes it feels like I'm not really at the acceptance step since I'm still feeling guilt and anger. I want to bargain with God about the negligence. That also doesn't feel like it should be a step in acceptance. According to my therapist/counselor/friend, this is quite normal...and part of acceptance. I have also talked to my fellow widows, and they also say it's normal...so I guess I should just believe them and continue on.
The problem with this anger, though, is that it is quite debilitating. I want to sleep constantly. I want to cry. I have a hard time turning myself "on" for other people. Usually Youth Group is an easy time to turn "on" my social skills and have a happy, laughing time. Tonight it was very hard to turn "on." I had to actually step away and try to refocus. I felt like I needed a million super big hugs to get moving. Of course, once I was "on" it was easy to stay "on." I'm not sure if this is even something that others can understand. Sometimes I just have to talk myself into being social. It's really hard. I haven't had it this bad in a really long time, though. Once again, it feels like a giant step backwards. I know it's not...but try convincing my brain of that.
Speaking of brains...I feel like I'm seeing them everywhere. I saw someone looking at a bunch of pictures. Eventually I figured out that it was different pictures of trees. I saw brains. Who sees that? I do. I've seen a few too many brains lately, I guess. I've seen Tony's, and now I've seen Julia's...in pictures. It feels weird that instead of seeing something normal like a tree, I'm seeing brains. It makes me feel odd...I feel like I shouldn't even be writing this because it's so weird and odd... Anyone want to see either of their brains...they are quite lovely...I never thought brains were cool looking until recently...
So back to anger...sometimes I wish I had that special person who comes along and sees my story. They have power, and help make it better. They get people hearing about what an awful company I had to deal with and make sure no one else has to deal with this as well. I'm probably feeling the negligence right now because I'm being hammered with a bunch of unexpected expenses. I'm dealing with dentists for Jeremiah. I'm dealing with Julia's insurance, trying to get them to pay for her medical bills...I thought it was all taken care of...now I'm having to jump through hoops.I'm dealing with a car that's being a pain...hopefully it's just a battery...but I keep putting it off because it's stressful. We had a beautiful 3 week summer vacation 2.0, and I'm trying not to regret it. Family and friends donated lots of money to make sure my kids had a relaxing time of fun and encouragement. It worked. Now I have to not regret spending money on that instead of bills. So then I get angry because of the power trip this company is on...at least that's how it feels. I accept that they killed my husband. I just wish that they would accept it, too. It makes me feel alone and used.
I don't feel like writing anymore... So how am I choosing joy? I am enjoying my kids. I am working with a bunch of awesome youth. I work hard to be "on" so I can laugh and have fun. But sometimes, I don't choose joy. I just can't. I don't have the energy. Then I just take a breath, and try to wait for when I can. JOY
There's one thing that I have not accepted...how he died. I still get frightfully angry about that. I get angry that a company can have that much power, can neglect someone who they are supposed to be helping, and then not accept the consequences/guilt/whatever you want to call it and probably continue to do it to other innocent people. I walk around life these days, and the word that keeps yelling at me is NEGLECT. It hurts, and it makes me angry.
After I wrote my last blog post, I talked to my parents. I told them about this frustration with the negligence. My dad told me I needed to write about it. I feel like I've written about it and talked about it, but I don't know if I really have...at least the part of how I'm dealing with it during the acceptance step.
I have experienced guilt during the acceptance step. Now I'm experiencing anger during this acceptance step. Sometimes it feels like I'm not really at the acceptance step since I'm still feeling guilt and anger. I want to bargain with God about the negligence. That also doesn't feel like it should be a step in acceptance. According to my therapist/counselor/friend, this is quite normal...and part of acceptance. I have also talked to my fellow widows, and they also say it's normal...so I guess I should just believe them and continue on.
The problem with this anger, though, is that it is quite debilitating. I want to sleep constantly. I want to cry. I have a hard time turning myself "on" for other people. Usually Youth Group is an easy time to turn "on" my social skills and have a happy, laughing time. Tonight it was very hard to turn "on." I had to actually step away and try to refocus. I felt like I needed a million super big hugs to get moving. Of course, once I was "on" it was easy to stay "on." I'm not sure if this is even something that others can understand. Sometimes I just have to talk myself into being social. It's really hard. I haven't had it this bad in a really long time, though. Once again, it feels like a giant step backwards. I know it's not...but try convincing my brain of that.
Speaking of brains...I feel like I'm seeing them everywhere. I saw someone looking at a bunch of pictures. Eventually I figured out that it was different pictures of trees. I saw brains. Who sees that? I do. I've seen a few too many brains lately, I guess. I've seen Tony's, and now I've seen Julia's...in pictures. It feels weird that instead of seeing something normal like a tree, I'm seeing brains. It makes me feel odd...I feel like I shouldn't even be writing this because it's so weird and odd... Anyone want to see either of their brains...they are quite lovely...I never thought brains were cool looking until recently...
So back to anger...sometimes I wish I had that special person who comes along and sees my story. They have power, and help make it better. They get people hearing about what an awful company I had to deal with and make sure no one else has to deal with this as well. I'm probably feeling the negligence right now because I'm being hammered with a bunch of unexpected expenses. I'm dealing with dentists for Jeremiah. I'm dealing with Julia's insurance, trying to get them to pay for her medical bills...I thought it was all taken care of...now I'm having to jump through hoops.I'm dealing with a car that's being a pain...hopefully it's just a battery...but I keep putting it off because it's stressful. We had a beautiful 3 week summer vacation 2.0, and I'm trying not to regret it. Family and friends donated lots of money to make sure my kids had a relaxing time of fun and encouragement. It worked. Now I have to not regret spending money on that instead of bills. So then I get angry because of the power trip this company is on...at least that's how it feels. I accept that they killed my husband. I just wish that they would accept it, too. It makes me feel alone and used.
I don't feel like writing anymore... So how am I choosing joy? I am enjoying my kids. I am working with a bunch of awesome youth. I work hard to be "on" so I can laugh and have fun. But sometimes, I don't choose joy. I just can't. I don't have the energy. Then I just take a breath, and try to wait for when I can. JOY
Thursday, October 15, 2015
Acceptance Hurts
Summer Vacation 2.0 was a huge success. I will write about that later...because I have reached a new layer in grief...and I have to get it out of my head...so I can move on...hopefully...
I've been saying to myself (since I got back from Summer Vacation 2.0) that I don't miss Tony. It feels weird. It feels wrong. But I don't miss him. I can talk about him fondly. The kids and I had great conversations about him. I don't regret anything about my marriage, but I don't miss him. It had a feeling of numbness, though. I knew there had to be more to it than just not missing him. I was dreading the "what happens next...because it has to be something awful"...it always seems to be something awful...just my opinion...grief is awful...all layers and levels of it. I had hoped that acceptance would be magical...bing!, I have now accepted the death of my husband...all if good in the world...life is now easy... Of course, it can't be quite that easy. So I went to my therapist/counselor/friend and talked to him about it. He told me that acceptance has levels, too. Yay!!!(read with extreme sarcasm) He also said that if I have made it to a level of acceptance, it doesn't mean I won't go back to one of the other stages of grief. Double Yay!!!!!
So here I am, moving on towards acceptance and feeling guilty about it. It's only been a year and a half. What does that say about me? I was married for 21 years, and it only takes a year and a half to get over him. Wow! I must be a tad selfish....horrible...not loyal at all. Then my therapist/counselor/friend reminded me that I had had to start mourning the loss of my husband even before he died...because I knew his mind and body were failing. Yes, I knew that I had many, many years more with him, but I wouldn't have the whole man I loved with me...he was becoming a shell of who he was. So I had actively started saying goodbye to my dreamed future a long time before his sudden death. So, yes, he has only been dead for a year and a half, but I had been grieving the loss of him starting around 5 years ago.
So I am now working through feeling guilty for starting to accept his death. This guilt has caused me to become physically sore and sick. It's been a fun day (sarcasm). I'm praying for acceptance of this acceptance level of grief. I'm praying for it to not last long...the painful stuff. I'm nervous for the next layer. In case you have ever wondered, Acceptance is not the final answer...it is just a stage with many layers. Maybe one day I will make it to an end to grief...I don't know if there is an end...I had always thought there kinda was an end...but......
Acceptance hurts. I'm not happy. I choose joy by continuing working with the youth group. This week was my first week back since probably the beginning of June. I was nervous. It was awesome. I love these kids. I don't know a lot of them, but most of them are awesome...jk....I'm supposed to say that they are all awesome...I'm in pain, so give me a break... Last night we had a barfing kid...I don't do barf unless it's adding to it...I decided that there's nothing like a bunch of barf to bond youth group leadership. So I now have my youth family back, and that's how I choose joy. JOY
I've been saying to myself (since I got back from Summer Vacation 2.0) that I don't miss Tony. It feels weird. It feels wrong. But I don't miss him. I can talk about him fondly. The kids and I had great conversations about him. I don't regret anything about my marriage, but I don't miss him. It had a feeling of numbness, though. I knew there had to be more to it than just not missing him. I was dreading the "what happens next...because it has to be something awful"...it always seems to be something awful...just my opinion...grief is awful...all layers and levels of it. I had hoped that acceptance would be magical...bing!, I have now accepted the death of my husband...all if good in the world...life is now easy... Of course, it can't be quite that easy. So I went to my therapist/counselor/friend and talked to him about it. He told me that acceptance has levels, too. Yay!!!(read with extreme sarcasm) He also said that if I have made it to a level of acceptance, it doesn't mean I won't go back to one of the other stages of grief. Double Yay!!!!!
So here I am, moving on towards acceptance and feeling guilty about it. It's only been a year and a half. What does that say about me? I was married for 21 years, and it only takes a year and a half to get over him. Wow! I must be a tad selfish....horrible...not loyal at all. Then my therapist/counselor/friend reminded me that I had had to start mourning the loss of my husband even before he died...because I knew his mind and body were failing. Yes, I knew that I had many, many years more with him, but I wouldn't have the whole man I loved with me...he was becoming a shell of who he was. So I had actively started saying goodbye to my dreamed future a long time before his sudden death. So, yes, he has only been dead for a year and a half, but I had been grieving the loss of him starting around 5 years ago.
So I am now working through feeling guilty for starting to accept his death. This guilt has caused me to become physically sore and sick. It's been a fun day (sarcasm). I'm praying for acceptance of this acceptance level of grief. I'm praying for it to not last long...the painful stuff. I'm nervous for the next layer. In case you have ever wondered, Acceptance is not the final answer...it is just a stage with many layers. Maybe one day I will make it to an end to grief...I don't know if there is an end...I had always thought there kinda was an end...but......
Acceptance hurts. I'm not happy. I choose joy by continuing working with the youth group. This week was my first week back since probably the beginning of June. I was nervous. It was awesome. I love these kids. I don't know a lot of them, but most of them are awesome...jk....I'm supposed to say that they are all awesome...I'm in pain, so give me a break... Last night we had a barfing kid...I don't do barf unless it's adding to it...I decided that there's nothing like a bunch of barf to bond youth group leadership. So I now have my youth family back, and that's how I choose joy. JOY
Monday, August 3, 2015
A New Beginning
This one is going to be a bit different because I'm dealing with two different things at the same time...and they are both a little stressful...but not in a terrible way...and I haven't written in forever.
We moved into a new-to-us home. Exciting and a little daunting. We moved into a new home while my daughter was feeling sick. Not fun and slightly unnerving. We got to sleep in the new house for two nights...THEN...
My daughter's "feeling sick" thing sent us to the ER for the third time in two weeks. The ER sent her to Children's Hospital in Oakland. Children's Hospital gave her a CT scan and put her in the ICU.
Short story...she had sinusitis that went crazy and tried to kill her or give her brain damage.
God story...she has been in such good health that the infection went all over her sinuses and snuggled her brain but didn't attack anything. They said it was one of the worst cases they have seen...they only see 1-2 cases a year...but it didn't attack anything...which is weird. She was also one of the fastest recoveries they have ever seen. Her quick recovery happened so soon that the day after her brain surgery, then sent her down to the regular ward because she didn't exactly fit the requirements of ICU...and she would probably heal better/faster where she could actually sleep...which would not be the ICU. That place is noisy...there are only curtains between each kid.
So people have said to me, "Holy cow! You must have been terrified!" Really what I was thinking was, "Dude! I totally didn't mess up! There really was something wrong with her. Cool. Now I'm here at the best of the best and they can take the stress now." I was so nervous to take her back to the ER for the third time in two weeks. It almost felt like I was being a crazy mom...ooh, she has a tiny headache, let's take her to the ER...oh, no, she has the sniffles, she might be dying...wow, look at her eye, it looks like it's going to explode... I am so glad I have such good friends to support me and encourage me to take her back in. I am so thankful I had the courage to do it.
Long story...my daughter got a little bit sick during Buddy Bears. She recovered in a day and a half...this sickness may or may not be involved in the big picture. The following week, she had her first ever migraine. On the fourth day of continuous migraine, I took her to the ER. They gave her fluids and medicines. She felt better. We went home. The next day, she had a headache across her whole forehead and the cheek under the eye that had previously had the migraine was swollen. I thought it was allergies. I tried many things for a few days. She wasn't eating. The only thing she did was sleep. So I took her back to the ER. (I tried to take her to urgent care but couldn't find one under her insurance...weird, I know.) While we were there, a lady had a baby in the bathroom. It was quite an interesting experience. That set everything back though. After we had been there for quite a few hours...and still had one more person ahead of us...we decided to leave. I said yes to leaving because she said she was hungry. I was so excited she was hungry, I was ready to go get her food. A day later, she got this bump on her eyelid near her nose. I made an appointment with her pediatrician. I took her in on Monday. By then it was a bright red bump on the outside of her eyelid. Her doctor said it was a sty and told us how to take care of it. We went home and took care of it. By Thursday, the bump was huge. Her eyelid was mostly closed. She still only slept all day and barely ate. I took pictures of it and started asking my friends and family if I should take her back to the ER. Everybody said yes. I decided to wait until the morning. Friday morning, the bump started to look extremely weird, like it might ooze something...or you could pop it...or it might explode. So I took her to the ER. They saw her fairly quickly. The doctor said, "If this is a sty, then it's the biggest one I've ever seen." Then he proceeded to put a needle in the bump and pull out a bunch of puss...quite disgusting...and cool. At this point they had already started her on fluids and antibiotics. They decided that they didn't have the equipment and stuff to take care of her if it ended up being worse. They wanted to send her to Children's Hospital, but she would have to go by ambulance because of the IV. I had called my mom, and she met us at the hospital and was there for most of this. I had to call my boy to come get my car because I was going in the ambulance. The EMTs met my girl, talked to her, and made her feel comfortable. Then we got to go for a ride! Because of the antibiotics and fluids, she was feeling decent. So we got to enjoy the ride together. The ambulance dropped us off at the ER at Children's. My mom met us there. After awhile they decided to put a warmer on her eye because it had gotten big again. All of a sudden, it started oozing like crazy. It was so gross and so cool. Anyway she had a CT scan and ended up in the ICU. It was crazy in there, but the nurses were awesome. I got to sleep on a chair that converted to a bed. This was all on July 3rd. For the 4th of July, my girl got to have brain surgery. This part is traumatic for me. I can tell you what they did technically, but when I think about it happening to my girl...I just want to whimper. My mom and my in-laws were there in the waiting room for me. We got the best of the best neuro surgeon to do this surgery! It just happened that way. He talked to me, explained what he was going to do, explained that he realized that she would have to grow up with this scar...so he would make the incision behind her hair line...so it wouldn't show. Wow! What a kind doctor. I did fine waiting until the 3 hour time frame was up. Then I just started pacing. The doctor came out and told us everything went well, but there was much more infection than they originally thought. She would have to have another surgery. This one wouldn't be quite as invasive though. After recovery (where she sassed me immediately...and I wanted to hi-five the nurses), she went back up to ICU. She spent another night there. The next day they realized she was quite perky for someone who had just had brain surgery, so they sent us to the 5th floor...where we got the window side! That's where we stayed on Sunday. On Monday, it was time for surgery number 2. They were going to go through her nose...yuck...and also put a PICC line in for her medicines. This one was longer. She came out of it like she had only taken a nap. Although the morphine made her a bit groggy. Then begins the monotonous days of just hanging out in the hospital...getting a new roommate every few days...some good...some not so good... She laughed, ate, and became the girl I was used to. They tried to send us home once, but her infection number went back up. Then our doctors, who loved us, snuck a blood test in. Her number went down! They sent us home.
Now we are home. Julia still has to have IV antibiotics twice a day...and I get to give it to her. She has to take saline 3 times a day in her nose and flonase once a day. However, as of today, we have been cleared by the ENT doctor. He put a camera up her nose and told us that she didn't have scar tissue in the sinuses! So now, no more flonase!!! and only the saline spray once a day for a few weeks...and the IV antibiotics. Wednesday, she has another MRI, and from there we will see what they say about an ending date.
So, moral of the story...we missed out on an entire summer vacation, 3 concerts, Disneyland, family trip, my Grandpa's 90th birthday party, etc....but we got a girl who is alive and doesn't have brain damage. Easy to choose joy with that outcome. We are also going to choose joy by still having a summer vacation later...we are trying to go to a One Direction concert if she gets cleared by all the doctors in time...two doctors have cleared her...two to go...choosing joy...thinking positively... JOY
We moved into a new-to-us home. Exciting and a little daunting. We moved into a new home while my daughter was feeling sick. Not fun and slightly unnerving. We got to sleep in the new house for two nights...THEN...
My daughter's "feeling sick" thing sent us to the ER for the third time in two weeks. The ER sent her to Children's Hospital in Oakland. Children's Hospital gave her a CT scan and put her in the ICU.
Short story...she had sinusitis that went crazy and tried to kill her or give her brain damage.
God story...she has been in such good health that the infection went all over her sinuses and snuggled her brain but didn't attack anything. They said it was one of the worst cases they have seen...they only see 1-2 cases a year...but it didn't attack anything...which is weird. She was also one of the fastest recoveries they have ever seen. Her quick recovery happened so soon that the day after her brain surgery, then sent her down to the regular ward because she didn't exactly fit the requirements of ICU...and she would probably heal better/faster where she could actually sleep...which would not be the ICU. That place is noisy...there are only curtains between each kid.
So people have said to me, "Holy cow! You must have been terrified!" Really what I was thinking was, "Dude! I totally didn't mess up! There really was something wrong with her. Cool. Now I'm here at the best of the best and they can take the stress now." I was so nervous to take her back to the ER for the third time in two weeks. It almost felt like I was being a crazy mom...ooh, she has a tiny headache, let's take her to the ER...oh, no, she has the sniffles, she might be dying...wow, look at her eye, it looks like it's going to explode... I am so glad I have such good friends to support me and encourage me to take her back in. I am so thankful I had the courage to do it.
Long story...my daughter got a little bit sick during Buddy Bears. She recovered in a day and a half...this sickness may or may not be involved in the big picture. The following week, she had her first ever migraine. On the fourth day of continuous migraine, I took her to the ER. They gave her fluids and medicines. She felt better. We went home. The next day, she had a headache across her whole forehead and the cheek under the eye that had previously had the migraine was swollen. I thought it was allergies. I tried many things for a few days. She wasn't eating. The only thing she did was sleep. So I took her back to the ER. (I tried to take her to urgent care but couldn't find one under her insurance...weird, I know.) While we were there, a lady had a baby in the bathroom. It was quite an interesting experience. That set everything back though. After we had been there for quite a few hours...and still had one more person ahead of us...we decided to leave. I said yes to leaving because she said she was hungry. I was so excited she was hungry, I was ready to go get her food. A day later, she got this bump on her eyelid near her nose. I made an appointment with her pediatrician. I took her in on Monday. By then it was a bright red bump on the outside of her eyelid. Her doctor said it was a sty and told us how to take care of it. We went home and took care of it. By Thursday, the bump was huge. Her eyelid was mostly closed. She still only slept all day and barely ate. I took pictures of it and started asking my friends and family if I should take her back to the ER. Everybody said yes. I decided to wait until the morning. Friday morning, the bump started to look extremely weird, like it might ooze something...or you could pop it...or it might explode. So I took her to the ER. They saw her fairly quickly. The doctor said, "If this is a sty, then it's the biggest one I've ever seen." Then he proceeded to put a needle in the bump and pull out a bunch of puss...quite disgusting...and cool. At this point they had already started her on fluids and antibiotics. They decided that they didn't have the equipment and stuff to take care of her if it ended up being worse. They wanted to send her to Children's Hospital, but she would have to go by ambulance because of the IV. I had called my mom, and she met us at the hospital and was there for most of this. I had to call my boy to come get my car because I was going in the ambulance. The EMTs met my girl, talked to her, and made her feel comfortable. Then we got to go for a ride! Because of the antibiotics and fluids, she was feeling decent. So we got to enjoy the ride together. The ambulance dropped us off at the ER at Children's. My mom met us there. After awhile they decided to put a warmer on her eye because it had gotten big again. All of a sudden, it started oozing like crazy. It was so gross and so cool. Anyway she had a CT scan and ended up in the ICU. It was crazy in there, but the nurses were awesome. I got to sleep on a chair that converted to a bed. This was all on July 3rd. For the 4th of July, my girl got to have brain surgery. This part is traumatic for me. I can tell you what they did technically, but when I think about it happening to my girl...I just want to whimper. My mom and my in-laws were there in the waiting room for me. We got the best of the best neuro surgeon to do this surgery! It just happened that way. He talked to me, explained what he was going to do, explained that he realized that she would have to grow up with this scar...so he would make the incision behind her hair line...so it wouldn't show. Wow! What a kind doctor. I did fine waiting until the 3 hour time frame was up. Then I just started pacing. The doctor came out and told us everything went well, but there was much more infection than they originally thought. She would have to have another surgery. This one wouldn't be quite as invasive though. After recovery (where she sassed me immediately...and I wanted to hi-five the nurses), she went back up to ICU. She spent another night there. The next day they realized she was quite perky for someone who had just had brain surgery, so they sent us to the 5th floor...where we got the window side! That's where we stayed on Sunday. On Monday, it was time for surgery number 2. They were going to go through her nose...yuck...and also put a PICC line in for her medicines. This one was longer. She came out of it like she had only taken a nap. Although the morphine made her a bit groggy. Then begins the monotonous days of just hanging out in the hospital...getting a new roommate every few days...some good...some not so good... She laughed, ate, and became the girl I was used to. They tried to send us home once, but her infection number went back up. Then our doctors, who loved us, snuck a blood test in. Her number went down! They sent us home.
Now we are home. Julia still has to have IV antibiotics twice a day...and I get to give it to her. She has to take saline 3 times a day in her nose and flonase once a day. However, as of today, we have been cleared by the ENT doctor. He put a camera up her nose and told us that she didn't have scar tissue in the sinuses! So now, no more flonase!!! and only the saline spray once a day for a few weeks...and the IV antibiotics. Wednesday, she has another MRI, and from there we will see what they say about an ending date.
So, moral of the story...we missed out on an entire summer vacation, 3 concerts, Disneyland, family trip, my Grandpa's 90th birthday party, etc....but we got a girl who is alive and doesn't have brain damage. Easy to choose joy with that outcome. We are also going to choose joy by still having a summer vacation later...we are trying to go to a One Direction concert if she gets cleared by all the doctors in time...two doctors have cleared her...two to go...choosing joy...thinking positively... JOY
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