This one is going to be a bit different because I'm dealing with two different things at the same time...and they are both a little stressful...but not in a terrible way...and I haven't written in forever.
We moved into a new-to-us home. Exciting and a little daunting. We moved into a new home while my daughter was feeling sick. Not fun and slightly unnerving. We got to sleep in the new house for two nights...THEN...
My daughter's "feeling sick" thing sent us to the ER for the third time in two weeks. The ER sent her to Children's Hospital in Oakland. Children's Hospital gave her a CT scan and put her in the ICU.
Short story...she had sinusitis that went crazy and tried to kill her or give her brain damage.
God story...she has been in such good health that the infection went all over her sinuses and snuggled her brain but didn't attack anything. They said it was one of the worst cases they have seen...they only see 1-2 cases a year...but it didn't attack anything...which is weird. She was also one of the fastest recoveries they have ever seen. Her quick recovery happened so soon that the day after her brain surgery, then sent her down to the regular ward because she didn't exactly fit the requirements of ICU...and she would probably heal better/faster where she could actually sleep...which would not be the ICU. That place is noisy...there are only curtains between each kid.
So people have said to me, "Holy cow! You must have been terrified!" Really what I was thinking was, "Dude! I totally didn't mess up! There really was something wrong with her. Cool. Now I'm here at the best of the best and they can take the stress now." I was so nervous to take her back to the ER for the third time in two weeks. It almost felt like I was being a crazy mom...ooh, she has a tiny headache, let's take her to the ER...oh, no, she has the sniffles, she might be dying...wow, look at her eye, it looks like it's going to explode... I am so glad I have such good friends to support me and encourage me to take her back in. I am so thankful I had the courage to do it.
Long story...my daughter got a little bit sick during Buddy Bears. She recovered in a day and a half...this sickness may or may not be involved in the big picture. The following week, she had her first ever migraine. On the fourth day of continuous migraine, I took her to the ER. They gave her fluids and medicines. She felt better. We went home. The next day, she had a headache across her whole forehead and the cheek under the eye that had previously had the migraine was swollen. I thought it was allergies. I tried many things for a few days. She wasn't eating. The only thing she did was sleep. So I took her back to the ER. (I tried to take her to urgent care but couldn't find one under her insurance...weird, I know.) While we were there, a lady had a baby in the bathroom. It was quite an interesting experience. That set everything back though. After we had been there for quite a few hours...and still had one more person ahead of us...we decided to leave. I said yes to leaving because she said she was hungry. I was so excited she was hungry, I was ready to go get her food. A day later, she got this bump on her eyelid near her nose. I made an appointment with her pediatrician. I took her in on Monday. By then it was a bright red bump on the outside of her eyelid. Her doctor said it was a sty and told us how to take care of it. We went home and took care of it. By Thursday, the bump was huge. Her eyelid was mostly closed. She still only slept all day and barely ate. I took pictures of it and started asking my friends and family if I should take her back to the ER. Everybody said yes. I decided to wait until the morning. Friday morning, the bump started to look extremely weird, like it might ooze something...or you could pop it...or it might explode. So I took her to the ER. They saw her fairly quickly. The doctor said, "If this is a sty, then it's the biggest one I've ever seen." Then he proceeded to put a needle in the bump and pull out a bunch of puss...quite disgusting...and cool. At this point they had already started her on fluids and antibiotics. They decided that they didn't have the equipment and stuff to take care of her if it ended up being worse. They wanted to send her to Children's Hospital, but she would have to go by ambulance because of the IV. I had called my mom, and she met us at the hospital and was there for most of this. I had to call my boy to come get my car because I was going in the ambulance. The EMTs met my girl, talked to her, and made her feel comfortable. Then we got to go for a ride! Because of the antibiotics and fluids, she was feeling decent. So we got to enjoy the ride together. The ambulance dropped us off at the ER at Children's. My mom met us there. After awhile they decided to put a warmer on her eye because it had gotten big again. All of a sudden, it started oozing like crazy. It was so gross and so cool. Anyway she had a CT scan and ended up in the ICU. It was crazy in there, but the nurses were awesome. I got to sleep on a chair that converted to a bed. This was all on July 3rd. For the 4th of July, my girl got to have brain surgery. This part is traumatic for me. I can tell you what they did technically, but when I think about it happening to my girl...I just want to whimper. My mom and my in-laws were there in the waiting room for me. We got the best of the best neuro surgeon to do this surgery! It just happened that way. He talked to me, explained what he was going to do, explained that he realized that she would have to grow up with this scar...so he would make the incision behind her hair line...so it wouldn't show. Wow! What a kind doctor. I did fine waiting until the 3 hour time frame was up. Then I just started pacing. The doctor came out and told us everything went well, but there was much more infection than they originally thought. She would have to have another surgery. This one wouldn't be quite as invasive though. After recovery (where she sassed me immediately...and I wanted to hi-five the nurses), she went back up to ICU. She spent another night there. The next day they realized she was quite perky for someone who had just had brain surgery, so they sent us to the 5th floor...where we got the window side! That's where we stayed on Sunday. On Monday, it was time for surgery number 2. They were going to go through her nose...yuck...and also put a PICC line in for her medicines. This one was longer. She came out of it like she had only taken a nap. Although the morphine made her a bit groggy. Then begins the monotonous days of just hanging out in the hospital...getting a new roommate every few days...some good...some not so good... She laughed, ate, and became the girl I was used to. They tried to send us home once, but her infection number went back up. Then our doctors, who loved us, snuck a blood test in. Her number went down! They sent us home.
Now we are home. Julia still has to have IV antibiotics twice a day...and I get to give it to her. She has to take saline 3 times a day in her nose and flonase once a day. However, as of today, we have been cleared by the ENT doctor. He put a camera up her nose and told us that she didn't have scar tissue in the sinuses! So now, no more flonase!!! and only the saline spray once a day for a few weeks...and the IV antibiotics. Wednesday, she has another MRI, and from there we will see what they say about an ending date.
So, moral of the story...we missed out on an entire summer vacation, 3 concerts, Disneyland, family trip, my Grandpa's 90th birthday party, etc....but we got a girl who is alive and doesn't have brain damage. Easy to choose joy with that outcome. We are also going to choose joy by still having a summer vacation later...we are trying to go to a One Direction concert if she gets cleared by all the doctors in time...two doctors have cleared her...two to go...choosing joy...thinking positively... JOY
Monday, August 3, 2015
Wednesday, May 27, 2015
Disco Ball Shoes and a Disneyland Lunch Box
Grief is weird. The things that make me tear up are quite random. The two weirdest ones, I think, are disco ball shoes and a Disneyland lunch box (that's why I titled it that way).
Disco Ball Shoes
When Tony died, I had several different pairs of moccasins. They were warm, snuggly, and comfy. I loved them. I saved my cute silver, sparkly ones for special occasions. Tony called them my disco ball shoes. After he was gone, I had to wear these shoes. He had named them, so I had to wear them. Silly, but I felt a connection between the shoes and him. They made me smile at the memory. I accidentally ruined them during a huge rain storm. I was disappointed, but Julia had outgrown her pair (we had matching shoes). She let me wear them. I loved it. But then, as shoes are in the habit of doing, they started to fall apart. I decided it was time to look for a new pair of comfy shoes. I couldn't find anything I liked...that was weird...I can always find shoes that are cute. Then I began really looking at my disco ball shoes. I saw all the places they were breaking. I saw the real need to get a new pair of shoes. I realized that they actually are hurting my feet now. And I began to tear up. I started to cry. I didn't want to give them up. I didn't want to stop wearing them. It felt like giving the shoes up was giving up Tony. By getting rid of the shoes, I was getting rid of my connection and my happy memory.
Disneyland Lunch Box
It's really a California Adventure lunch box. I ran across it when we were packing up the house to sell it. Friends were over, and they would ask me, "Keep, toss, or donate?" We were in the kitchen...Tony's domain...it was already kinda hard. I didn't want to keep anything...and I wanted to keep everything. Then the silly little lunch box showed up. The question was asked, and I burst into tears. I sobbed for a very long time. We had gotten this lunch box for Jeremiah when he was little. It was one of the first years the California Adventure was open, and they gave these out in their kids lunches. Nothing major, but it had memories attached...good memories. It also had a future that would no longer happen. We would no longer go as a family with the four of us. Tony and I would not be able to take our grandkids and tell them all the stories of the way it used to be.
The kids and I are moving. We will be renting a house beginning in July. We are very excited. I don't want to be a downer, but I am already dreading the unpacking. I am excited to see my belongings again. I can't wait to get my craft supplies back...but I am not looking forward to seeing that lunch box...yes, I kept it. I am not looking forward to seeing that box that is labeled "Tony's - I can't deal with it yet." Yep, there is a box. Part of me is looking forward to checking it all out and remembering all the memories. I love the memories. Part of me is dreading it because it is a reminder that I didn't get my happily ever after...I don't get the growing old together...
So how do I choose joy? I surround myself with family and friends...even when I'm avoiding them. I allow people to come over and help pack and unpack these memories. I tell the kids the stories...some they actually haven't heard yet. And most importantly, I love. I continue to love even though sometimes it seems that this would just bring more heartache when they leave. I believe that love is the most important thing. So how do I choose joy? I love. I kinda feel like I need to change my blog to Choose Love... JOY
Disco Ball Shoes
When Tony died, I had several different pairs of moccasins. They were warm, snuggly, and comfy. I loved them. I saved my cute silver, sparkly ones for special occasions. Tony called them my disco ball shoes. After he was gone, I had to wear these shoes. He had named them, so I had to wear them. Silly, but I felt a connection between the shoes and him. They made me smile at the memory. I accidentally ruined them during a huge rain storm. I was disappointed, but Julia had outgrown her pair (we had matching shoes). She let me wear them. I loved it. But then, as shoes are in the habit of doing, they started to fall apart. I decided it was time to look for a new pair of comfy shoes. I couldn't find anything I liked...that was weird...I can always find shoes that are cute. Then I began really looking at my disco ball shoes. I saw all the places they were breaking. I saw the real need to get a new pair of shoes. I realized that they actually are hurting my feet now. And I began to tear up. I started to cry. I didn't want to give them up. I didn't want to stop wearing them. It felt like giving the shoes up was giving up Tony. By getting rid of the shoes, I was getting rid of my connection and my happy memory.
Disneyland Lunch Box
It's really a California Adventure lunch box. I ran across it when we were packing up the house to sell it. Friends were over, and they would ask me, "Keep, toss, or donate?" We were in the kitchen...Tony's domain...it was already kinda hard. I didn't want to keep anything...and I wanted to keep everything. Then the silly little lunch box showed up. The question was asked, and I burst into tears. I sobbed for a very long time. We had gotten this lunch box for Jeremiah when he was little. It was one of the first years the California Adventure was open, and they gave these out in their kids lunches. Nothing major, but it had memories attached...good memories. It also had a future that would no longer happen. We would no longer go as a family with the four of us. Tony and I would not be able to take our grandkids and tell them all the stories of the way it used to be.
The kids and I are moving. We will be renting a house beginning in July. We are very excited. I don't want to be a downer, but I am already dreading the unpacking. I am excited to see my belongings again. I can't wait to get my craft supplies back...but I am not looking forward to seeing that lunch box...yes, I kept it. I am not looking forward to seeing that box that is labeled "Tony's - I can't deal with it yet." Yep, there is a box. Part of me is looking forward to checking it all out and remembering all the memories. I love the memories. Part of me is dreading it because it is a reminder that I didn't get my happily ever after...I don't get the growing old together...
So how do I choose joy? I surround myself with family and friends...even when I'm avoiding them. I allow people to come over and help pack and unpack these memories. I tell the kids the stories...some they actually haven't heard yet. And most importantly, I love. I continue to love even though sometimes it seems that this would just bring more heartache when they leave. I believe that love is the most important thing. So how do I choose joy? I love. I kinda feel like I need to change my blog to Choose Love... JOY
Friday, May 15, 2015
New, Random First
The second year has been a bit different. Holidays are just holidays. Activities are just activities. There are no "firsts." The firsts have all happened already.
Recently I went to the Orange Conference with my bosses and others from BNC (my church and place or work). Orange is the philosophy that we use to teach and live as families in our church. It goes along these lines...we use the colors red and yellow...one represents how much time we have as parents to train our kids...the other is how much time the church has to train our children...together they create Orange...the church and family work together to raise Godly children. So picture a jar filled with marbles. Each marble depicts one week we have with our kids until they reach adulthood (18). My 12 year old's jar is getting so empty. I have a limited amount of time to contribute to who she will become as an adult. My 18 year old's jar is empty. He is an adult. I can still contribute to his life, but I am not guaranteed time. He will move away and have his own life.
This is completely off topic. I got to the conference. I checked in with my girl back home and made sure everything was good. I checked in with my boy. Everyone else was checking in with family back home. I picked up my phone to check in with Tony. Ouch!!!!! So I did something that I have done in the past. I called his number. This time was different. It said that it couldn't be completed and to try again. It kinda messed with me. 20 minutes later my phone rang. It said that my husband was calling me. I absolutely freaked out and threw my phone. That really messed with my head. Someone else has his number. It feels weird. I can no longer dial his number just to be reminded that yes, he really is gone. My weird, random happenstance of a first.
So what do I do to choose joy now? I'm not too sure. I try to be the widow that Tony would be proud of. I try to be the single mom that my kids would be proud of. I try to get up and do something each day. I choose to love. JOY
Recently I went to the Orange Conference with my bosses and others from BNC (my church and place or work). Orange is the philosophy that we use to teach and live as families in our church. It goes along these lines...we use the colors red and yellow...one represents how much time we have as parents to train our kids...the other is how much time the church has to train our children...together they create Orange...the church and family work together to raise Godly children. So picture a jar filled with marbles. Each marble depicts one week we have with our kids until they reach adulthood (18). My 12 year old's jar is getting so empty. I have a limited amount of time to contribute to who she will become as an adult. My 18 year old's jar is empty. He is an adult. I can still contribute to his life, but I am not guaranteed time. He will move away and have his own life.
This is completely off topic. I got to the conference. I checked in with my girl back home and made sure everything was good. I checked in with my boy. Everyone else was checking in with family back home. I picked up my phone to check in with Tony. Ouch!!!!! So I did something that I have done in the past. I called his number. This time was different. It said that it couldn't be completed and to try again. It kinda messed with me. 20 minutes later my phone rang. It said that my husband was calling me. I absolutely freaked out and threw my phone. That really messed with my head. Someone else has his number. It feels weird. I can no longer dial his number just to be reminded that yes, he really is gone. My weird, random happenstance of a first.
So what do I do to choose joy now? I'm not too sure. I try to be the widow that Tony would be proud of. I try to be the single mom that my kids would be proud of. I try to get up and do something each day. I choose to love. JOY
Wednesday, April 22, 2015
Trust and Baggage
Jimmy, our youth group leader, talked about baggage last night. It was really good. When we got to small group time, I asked my girls if they ever gave God their baggage and then took it back. I also asked them if they ever were afraid to give God their baggage. Then I asked them if they ever felt like they didn't trust God to take care of their baggage appropriately.
That's where I'm at. I trust God, but I don't trust Him. How does that work? I don't really know, but that's what I've been dealing with for quite awhile. I feel like I have given God my baggage, and He has taken it and given back the worst possible scenario I could think of.
It's like that old joke, "It can't get any worse...", and then it does. I feel like that is what I have been going through for years...except I haven't been stupid enough to say, "It can't get any worse." I gave God my baggage about my husband's injury. God proceeded to let Tony's memory get worse. I gave God my baggage that I realized I was not going to get my happily ever after. God proceeded to take my husband's strength. I finally just gave God Tony. God proceeded to take him.
I'm afraid to give God my baggage concerning my children, my finances, my want of a home, my future, my happiness. What if I give God these things, and He "betrays" me. I know it's not really betrayal; it just feels like that sometimes.
That's it. This is what I'm thinking about right now. My mom reminded me that I need to write them down, so I can deal with them better. It's been working, so I guess I will try to write more frequently again. They might be short but whatever.
So I have been choosing joy these past few days. I chose joy by hanging out with my fellow singles. I chose joy by enjoying my SF Giants. I chose joy by writing these thoughts out. I have had 4 happy days in a row. I hope this doesn't jinx it, but I am happy. It feels good. I choose joy by just reveling in the happiness. JOY
That's where I'm at. I trust God, but I don't trust Him. How does that work? I don't really know, but that's what I've been dealing with for quite awhile. I feel like I have given God my baggage, and He has taken it and given back the worst possible scenario I could think of.
It's like that old joke, "It can't get any worse...", and then it does. I feel like that is what I have been going through for years...except I haven't been stupid enough to say, "It can't get any worse." I gave God my baggage about my husband's injury. God proceeded to let Tony's memory get worse. I gave God my baggage that I realized I was not going to get my happily ever after. God proceeded to take my husband's strength. I finally just gave God Tony. God proceeded to take him.
I'm afraid to give God my baggage concerning my children, my finances, my want of a home, my future, my happiness. What if I give God these things, and He "betrays" me. I know it's not really betrayal; it just feels like that sometimes.
That's it. This is what I'm thinking about right now. My mom reminded me that I need to write them down, so I can deal with them better. It's been working, so I guess I will try to write more frequently again. They might be short but whatever.
So I have been choosing joy these past few days. I chose joy by hanging out with my fellow singles. I chose joy by enjoying my SF Giants. I chose joy by writing these thoughts out. I have had 4 happy days in a row. I hope this doesn't jinx it, but I am happy. It feels good. I choose joy by just reveling in the happiness. JOY
Monday, April 20, 2015
The Final Outcome
Yes, I am singing a song in my head right now because of the title. This blog has taken a long time to write and post. I have been going through many, many different emotions.
So the court case is officially done. It originally started when the insurance company kept denying help for Tony's head injury that he got on the job. We had to get a lawyer involved so that we could get testing approved and hopefully get a cure. When Tony died it became a death suit. I believe that the insurance company is responsible for Tony's death by negligence. It cannot be proved. Even though I can prove a brain injury through the autopsy, no connection can be found between the brain injury and the heart attack.
I went to my lawyer's office for mediation. What is mediation? Well...me, my lawyer, the insurance company's lawyer, and a mediator (a dude who used to be a judge and now works as a go-between between lawyers) sit down and discuss financial settlement to make this end. Luckily I only had to say hello to the bad lawyer dude, and then I got to spend the rest of the time in my lawyer's office. We spouted out a number to make the insurance company go away. They came back with a lower number. We spouted another number. He said they could only go this high.
For me, it wasn't about the money. I wanted the insurance company to admit guilt in a tiny way (the only way they can admit guilt is through money). I was hoping for a decent amount however to help my kids make it through life. I kinda was hoping for a slightly easier life... I guess I got a little selfish.
The hardest part of the day was when the mediator told me that my case was one of the worst cases he has seen. He said that as a judge, he would love to give me all the money he could. I deserved it. The problem is that the law says no, he can't. For awhile, when the mediator and my lawyer were talking, I could only sit on the couch (with my eyes closed), cry, and answer their questions. It was so absolutely painful. One of the most painful moments of my life.
Two positives...when the bad lawyer gave his final number...financially...that he was informed by the insurance company that he was allowed to give me...he gave me the number and it didn't include all the fees I would need to pay...so I got more than expected. Then my lawyer...who hadn't expected this...said she would do the same. So I ended up with about $5000 more than we all expected. Bonus!
Negative...I talked to God and told him that the lowest number I thought I could live with...hopefully to help me make a down payment on a house...was $50,000. I also told him how much I really wanted to help me feel better. So I ended up with the lowest number plus my bonus money. Cool but disappointing.
Now I realize that I underestimated how much I would need for a down payment. I definitely don't have enough. So I am now looking at renting...hopefully I can find a good place, in a good neighborhood, who will allow 3 dogs...my kids have requested to not lose any more things in their life aka their dogs.
So I have considered have a gofundme to help me get a house. Can't you just see it? If you donate this much, you are invited to the house warming party. This much and you can even have a tour of the new home. This much more and you can have snacks at the house warming party. Bonus...if you give this much, you can come to a movie night at our house! The best friend level, you get all of the above including a keychain or t-shirt that says, "Joy got a house and all I got was this lousy keychain/t-shirt." That's as far as I could get with rewards. If you have any ideas for more, let me know. Maybe I will offer a picture with me...or an autograph...one of my SF Giants shirts...I could make you earrings or a necklace... I think I'm getting a little carried away.
Okay, so what do I learn today? Nothing much. My mom reminded me that I should get to writing my blog. It might help me start sleeping again...yep, I haven't been sleeping. So we will see. I chose joy by finishing this blog. I chose joy by continuing to work on a different blog post...that I don't think I will post...it's kinda embarrassing. I chose joy by dyeing my blond spot in my hair again...this time it was blue/green. I liked it. I chose joy by going out to lunch with girlfriends. I chose joy by attending my first Giants game of the year. So I have been choosing joy recently. Don't ask about a few weeks ago. I didn't choose joy for quite awhile. It sucked. Anyway, that's it. I shortened it up a bit. Feel free to ask me questions. Yes, I still get angry, but that's okay. JOY
So the court case is officially done. It originally started when the insurance company kept denying help for Tony's head injury that he got on the job. We had to get a lawyer involved so that we could get testing approved and hopefully get a cure. When Tony died it became a death suit. I believe that the insurance company is responsible for Tony's death by negligence. It cannot be proved. Even though I can prove a brain injury through the autopsy, no connection can be found between the brain injury and the heart attack.
I went to my lawyer's office for mediation. What is mediation? Well...me, my lawyer, the insurance company's lawyer, and a mediator (a dude who used to be a judge and now works as a go-between between lawyers) sit down and discuss financial settlement to make this end. Luckily I only had to say hello to the bad lawyer dude, and then I got to spend the rest of the time in my lawyer's office. We spouted out a number to make the insurance company go away. They came back with a lower number. We spouted another number. He said they could only go this high.
For me, it wasn't about the money. I wanted the insurance company to admit guilt in a tiny way (the only way they can admit guilt is through money). I was hoping for a decent amount however to help my kids make it through life. I kinda was hoping for a slightly easier life... I guess I got a little selfish.
The hardest part of the day was when the mediator told me that my case was one of the worst cases he has seen. He said that as a judge, he would love to give me all the money he could. I deserved it. The problem is that the law says no, he can't. For awhile, when the mediator and my lawyer were talking, I could only sit on the couch (with my eyes closed), cry, and answer their questions. It was so absolutely painful. One of the most painful moments of my life.
Two positives...when the bad lawyer gave his final number...financially...that he was informed by the insurance company that he was allowed to give me...he gave me the number and it didn't include all the fees I would need to pay...so I got more than expected. Then my lawyer...who hadn't expected this...said she would do the same. So I ended up with about $5000 more than we all expected. Bonus!
Negative...I talked to God and told him that the lowest number I thought I could live with...hopefully to help me make a down payment on a house...was $50,000. I also told him how much I really wanted to help me feel better. So I ended up with the lowest number plus my bonus money. Cool but disappointing.
Now I realize that I underestimated how much I would need for a down payment. I definitely don't have enough. So I am now looking at renting...hopefully I can find a good place, in a good neighborhood, who will allow 3 dogs...my kids have requested to not lose any more things in their life aka their dogs.
So I have considered have a gofundme to help me get a house. Can't you just see it? If you donate this much, you are invited to the house warming party. This much and you can even have a tour of the new home. This much more and you can have snacks at the house warming party. Bonus...if you give this much, you can come to a movie night at our house! The best friend level, you get all of the above including a keychain or t-shirt that says, "Joy got a house and all I got was this lousy keychain/t-shirt." That's as far as I could get with rewards. If you have any ideas for more, let me know. Maybe I will offer a picture with me...or an autograph...one of my SF Giants shirts...I could make you earrings or a necklace... I think I'm getting a little carried away.
Okay, so what do I learn today? Nothing much. My mom reminded me that I should get to writing my blog. It might help me start sleeping again...yep, I haven't been sleeping. So we will see. I chose joy by finishing this blog. I chose joy by continuing to work on a different blog post...that I don't think I will post...it's kinda embarrassing. I chose joy by dyeing my blond spot in my hair again...this time it was blue/green. I liked it. I chose joy by going out to lunch with girlfriends. I chose joy by attending my first Giants game of the year. So I have been choosing joy recently. Don't ask about a few weeks ago. I didn't choose joy for quite awhile. It sucked. Anyway, that's it. I shortened it up a bit. Feel free to ask me questions. Yes, I still get angry, but that's okay. JOY
Monday, March 2, 2015
The Dreaded Forgetting
How do you forget that your husband died? (rhetorical...please don't answer) It's been a year. Wouldn't you think that this might be a regular fact in my life? But that's exactly what did happen. I ran across an old friend, and mid conversation wanted to invite him to have dinner just the 3 of us to catch up. There is no 3 of us. Mid sentence I realized what I was saying. Wow! The pain in that moment! I couldn't figure out what to say...I couldn't finish the conversation...I just mumbled, stopped talking, and walked away. Awkward! I wanted to cry, scream, break things, hit things... It was bad enough that I ended up with a migraine the next day. That, combined with the year-mark, created a minor set-back in feeling good.
I'm working at breaking out of the depression. Julia and I are practicing a lip sync. We are planning our spring break trip (super cheap so we don't take from the "trying to buy a house" fund). We are working at socializing...socializing is hard. I'm trying to get caught up at work. I'm going to my personal trainer tonight...maybe she can get me motivated...I quit going for several weeks. I finally added some color to my hair again...it's purple/pink on my blond spot...Julia has blue...hers looks awesome. The future looks long and hard, but I'm working at it. I'm trying to choose to wake up, get up, and do something (please no negative comments...this in itself is a huge accomplishment)(and yes, I have received negative comments)...there are many times that all I accomplish is waking up. I feel like a failure, but I know this is a false thought. So I'm working on that. I'm finding reasons to laugh. Laughter makes life easier...and funner.
I am choosing joy again. How? Pretty much the entire second paragraph is how...go back and read it. I kinda feel like this is short and depressing, but it's not really. It's just life. Life is hard; I'm working on making it easier and more enjoyable. If I have to live, then I want to laugh. Oh, I almost forgot. Joy is easier to choose now that the Giants are back to playing some ball. JOY
P.S. The title made me giggle because it reminds me of The Dread Pirate Roberts from Princess Bride.
I'm working at breaking out of the depression. Julia and I are practicing a lip sync. We are planning our spring break trip (super cheap so we don't take from the "trying to buy a house" fund). We are working at socializing...socializing is hard. I'm trying to get caught up at work. I'm going to my personal trainer tonight...maybe she can get me motivated...I quit going for several weeks. I finally added some color to my hair again...it's purple/pink on my blond spot...Julia has blue...hers looks awesome. The future looks long and hard, but I'm working at it. I'm trying to choose to wake up, get up, and do something (please no negative comments...this in itself is a huge accomplishment)(and yes, I have received negative comments)...there are many times that all I accomplish is waking up. I feel like a failure, but I know this is a false thought. So I'm working on that. I'm finding reasons to laugh. Laughter makes life easier...and funner.
I am choosing joy again. How? Pretty much the entire second paragraph is how...go back and read it. I kinda feel like this is short and depressing, but it's not really. It's just life. Life is hard; I'm working on making it easier and more enjoyable. If I have to live, then I want to laugh. Oh, I almost forgot. Joy is easier to choose now that the Giants are back to playing some ball. JOY
P.S. The title made me giggle because it reminds me of The Dread Pirate Roberts from Princess Bride.
Thursday, February 26, 2015
The Year-Mark
I thought the "Year-Mark" was going to have a magical moment when things would feel a bit better. I thought wrong. It's just another day...but a day full of reminders...not good ones. Reminders of giving him a hug goodbye (okay, that one is good)...figuring out when to meet Tony, get the kids, and what we were going to eat for dinner...of a phone call...looking for his kindle because he might get bored in the hospital...calling my mom to keep my kids just a little longer...driving to the hospital...seeing his ambulance just waiting at the back doors of the hospital and nobody getting out...getting the look when I checked in at the hospital...getting to have two people to walk me down the hallway to explain about my husband...hearing them working on my husband on the other side of the curtain...calling my mom that she needed to get the kids to the hospital...getting tons of the look...getting told that they are going to have to stop working on him and call it...calling my mom and telling her they didn't need to hurry...hearing them call it (time of death)...waiting while they cleaned him up so I could see him...seeing him...hurrying outside so I could hurl...being extremely hot...waiting for family.........
I also remembered who I was before and who I am now. Before: I accepted stress like it was a competition. Now: Stress happens. Before: I was concerned with "not causing others to stumble in their faith" even to an extreme. Now: I believe that the key to life is to love. Everything else is second. Before: I DID NOT swear. Now: I'm not opposed to swearing. Before: Raunchy jokes are NOT good. Now: I'm not opposed to raunchy jokes; I may even tell some. Before: I was usually too tired or didn't have time to hang with my kids. Now: My kids are the most important thing in my life. Before: I was very strict; following the rules was most important. Now: I'm more flexible; bending the rules is acceptable at times. Before: Public embarassment is not okay. Now: Public embarassment is pretty awesome...especially if it makes the kids laugh. So there are good and not so good differences. Do I like these differences? Are these "now" things okay? I'm not completely sure what I think of the new me.
I remember all the "firsts" and all the accomplishments.
BNC Oscars
Job Upgrade
Throwing the First Pitch for a Baseball Game
Relay for Life
Santa Cruz trip
Creating a Budget
My First Child's Graduation from High School
HS Graduation Party
College Orientation for the Boy Child
Other Boy Child's Graduation from Marine Boot Camp
Father/Daughter Dance
One Direction Concert
Ambulance Ride
Joined a Gym
Got a Personal Trainer
Birthdays, Anniversaries, Funerals, Trips, Holidays, etc. I wrote about many others on my other blog posts.
The year-mark ended up being much harder than expected...and the pain lasted longer than expected. I finally had to realize that the year-mark was causing me such depression that I had to pay attention to it so it didn't move into suicide. It was relatively close...not to the act, but to the momentum that would take me to the act of suicide. My counselor/therapist/friend helped me see how far I was. Once I acknowledged it, I was able to deal with it. Once I dealt with it, it got better. I'm still not awesome, just not on the path to suicide. In some way this year is worse than last year...nothing can top last year.
So how did I choose joy during the year-mark? I didn't. I chose not to have joy. I chose to sleep and cry and barely survive. I chose to neglect others...well, that's not exactly a choice...it just happened...because I neglected people. So now I'm trying to figure out who I am now that I'm 41 and a widow, without a home, with 2 kids, and if I like that person. Don't worry; I mostly like her. And now I might start choosing joy again...probably will...definitely will...yep. JOY
I love you mom
I also remembered who I was before and who I am now. Before: I accepted stress like it was a competition. Now: Stress happens. Before: I was concerned with "not causing others to stumble in their faith" even to an extreme. Now: I believe that the key to life is to love. Everything else is second. Before: I DID NOT swear. Now: I'm not opposed to swearing. Before: Raunchy jokes are NOT good. Now: I'm not opposed to raunchy jokes; I may even tell some. Before: I was usually too tired or didn't have time to hang with my kids. Now: My kids are the most important thing in my life. Before: I was very strict; following the rules was most important. Now: I'm more flexible; bending the rules is acceptable at times. Before: Public embarassment is not okay. Now: Public embarassment is pretty awesome...especially if it makes the kids laugh. So there are good and not so good differences. Do I like these differences? Are these "now" things okay? I'm not completely sure what I think of the new me.
I remember all the "firsts" and all the accomplishments.
BNC Oscars
Job Upgrade
Throwing the First Pitch for a Baseball Game
Relay for Life
Santa Cruz trip
Creating a Budget
My First Child's Graduation from High School
HS Graduation Party
College Orientation for the Boy Child
Other Boy Child's Graduation from Marine Boot Camp
Father/Daughter Dance
One Direction Concert
Ambulance Ride
Joined a Gym
Got a Personal Trainer
Birthdays, Anniversaries, Funerals, Trips, Holidays, etc. I wrote about many others on my other blog posts.
The year-mark ended up being much harder than expected...and the pain lasted longer than expected. I finally had to realize that the year-mark was causing me such depression that I had to pay attention to it so it didn't move into suicide. It was relatively close...not to the act, but to the momentum that would take me to the act of suicide. My counselor/therapist/friend helped me see how far I was. Once I acknowledged it, I was able to deal with it. Once I dealt with it, it got better. I'm still not awesome, just not on the path to suicide. In some way this year is worse than last year...nothing can top last year.
So how did I choose joy during the year-mark? I didn't. I chose not to have joy. I chose to sleep and cry and barely survive. I chose to neglect others...well, that's not exactly a choice...it just happened...because I neglected people. So now I'm trying to figure out who I am now that I'm 41 and a widow, without a home, with 2 kids, and if I like that person. Don't worry; I mostly like her. And now I might start choosing joy again...probably will...definitely will...yep. JOY
I love you mom
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