Randomness

I don't really know what to write today, but I know I want to write. It has been very helpful for me to get my thoughts out of my head and into written form.

First, I want to thank those of you who have commented on my blog. It's very encouraging, and I can use encouragement right now. Second, I would love to be able to help someone else. That would be cool.

Today was a weepy kinda day. Everything made me tear up. Every step while I was alone was, "Alone...alone...alone....ALONE... It kinda sucked. I know that's not really true, but sometimes my head likes to say it to my heart.

I enjoyed work today. I forgot everything except work for awhile. No stress (except to get work done). It was nice. I got to do something that I have done for years and not have to think about how to do it.

I realized why it's a good thing that I am staying at my mom's house. I wouldn't get up in the morning if I didn't have someone to be accountable to. My kids are having a hard time getting up, and I don't think the day starts until around 10am. Don't get me wrong, I love the sunrise, just not every day...make that not very often.

I was talking to a therapist/counselor/friend, and I said that of course I researched the 5 stages of grief already. I wanted to know what to expect. I remembered that one of them was anger. I am not looking forward to anger because I know I will be angry at God. I have already apologized to Him for my future anger. Then later, I remembered depression. I would gladly take anger over depression. Depression is something that I struggle with already. I hate the pit that depression puts me in. I hate the feelings of hopelessness. I hate feeling like giving up. I am rather scared of the future depression. I pray it won't be too bad. I also studied, and it said that you don't always have to do each step. It doesn't have to be in a particular order. They don't all have to be awful. So I am counting on this philosophy. Anger will be a piece of cake. Depression will be no big deal. Hear that, God? That's my prayer. Just like I prayed for a miracle, and this wouldn't hurt as much as it should. So just because I'm probably still in denial doesn't mean that You can't make this happen.

We saw The Lego Movie tonight. Tony would have loved it. It had a song about AWESOME. That was Tony. It had Star Wars in it. Totally Tony. It had lame humor. Yep, Tony. The cool thing is that it didn't hurt. I could just be in the denial stage, and I don't think it hurts. I could break down tomorrow sobbing that Tony will never get to see this movie (like he would care now), and I just don't know how I'm going to watch Captain America without him. Anyway, I enjoyed the movie. I don't know yet if I will watch it again. I don't know how I will watch Captain America. I want to see it, but that one kinda hurts right now. That whole saga (Thor, Captain America, Avengers) was his/our thing. He used to watch them or listen to them almost every night to go to sleep. They were soothing. Here come the tears...

Have I told you that in my head I always called him my hubby wubby? Yep, I didn't tell him either. I never got around to it. I don't regret it; I just didn't do it. I also called him Tony Baloney. I did tell him that one just a few months ago. I know...weird...that I didn't tell him until recently...oh, well.

I need to stop writing tonight because I am having difficulty choosing joy tonight. Tonight I want to just cry. Life isn't really that bad, but I am missing the good times with my hubby wubby. I know down deep that if he were alive, he would probably be having a terrible time of it. He probably wouldn't have been able to go the movie. He'd probably be shaking like crazy. I'd probably be stressed because I couldn't help him. Instead, it's just me...only able to think of the good times...getting weepy...getting irritated at myself because my health is so much better now that he is gone...knowing it was probably the stress...knowing it doesn't make a difference in my head...I still feel guilty...even though I know it's not something to feel guilt over...

So that's my brain tonight...very random...trying to choose joy...not necessarily winning that...remembering the husband that used to annoy the snot out of me...in only the best possible ways...unable to remember how he used to annoy the snot out of me...

Sorry for the downer. You knew there had to be at least one. Thanks for reading. Thanks for praying. Thanks for commenting. Thanks for being my friends. In that, I choose joy.    JOY

CSI and Bones

The only thing I really wanted to write about today was Tony's autopsy. Disgusting, I know. Gory, yucky, (insert your own word here), etc. It's something I never thought I would ever have to do or make a decision about... It's surreal.

The topic came up shortly after Tony died. Was there a connection between his heart attack and all the health junk we had been dealing with. The consensus was a very strong maybe. So I went to the coroner to have them do it. Contra Costa County's coroner is amazing. If you feel like talking to someone, call them up. They will talk to you...and be nice. Anyway, I had decided that I wanted to know if there was a way to show if Tony's brain had been indeed damaged, so I asked the coroner if he could do that. He truthfully told me no; he could only tell me if he had indeed died of a heart attack (or if not, then how he actually died). He quickly researched neurological autopsy technicians for me. I know...awesome! He greatly encouraged me. But he also recommended that I get Tony out of Sutter Delta before they started charging me storage fees. I don't know if he was joking or if they really would have charged me. I just know that I wasn't trusting Sutter Delta too much because they had been treating me really weirdly since Tony died in the ER.

I called Bay Area Cremation, who was going to be taking care of Tony's final ___ (whatever you want to call it). They said that they could move him and keep him until I made my final decisions on what to do. They also gave me 2 names and numbers of people who had worked with their company before with autopsies. This was encouraging. I got to calling and researching. The first one, I left a message. They never got back to me. The second one wasn't taking on new clients (apparently they did more than just autopsies). The third one was hard to understand, but he talked to me and helped greatly. I ended up going with him...I emailed him after that.

So the gory details...the Joy version (which means it won't be that gory). I initially decided to get a brain only autopsy and maybe toxicology. When they finished that, I found out that I would have to wait about 5 weeks for any initial findings. That worried me. So I emailed Roman, the autopsy guy, about maybe doing a full autopsy. He gave me some good answers and agreed. I called Bay Area Cremation, and they bent over backwards helping me with addition. I asked for them to do a full autopsy because I wanted to know if their is a genetic link having to do with the heart. My sister-in-law was kinda curious, and I felt it would be a help to her and my own kids. I also wanted to make sure about the cause of death. I haven't heard the timeline of Tony's demise, and Sutter Delta is being weird. So I decided to make sure.

The autopsy will be completed tomorrow. Then the waiting game begins. I HATE the waiting game. I'm not sure if you know this, but I really hate waiting. I hate the unknown. I hate change. I could go on.

So after the brain autopsy, I received word that they were done. I stupidly pictured my husband the way I last saw him...and now with the autopsy marks. I absolutely, completely lost it. I made my son nervous. He slowly set the thing he was carrying down, stepped backwards, and awkwardly walked backwards out of the room and out the door. He told me he didn't know what to do with girl tears. I told him a hug would be nice. He said that wasn't an option; he had to get away from tears. I probably shouldn't be telling everyone this. He would kill me.

The only way I choose joy today is to make fun of my son...just kidding. Some days are harder than others. Choosing joy isn't always a "yes" decision. It's hard to choose joy when thinking of your husband...dead...with autopsy marks on his head...and about to have an autopsy on his body...picturing the bodies in CSI and Bones and all the rest of the shows. Yep, that's right, end it on a gory note! That's me. That's my day. (I really did a lot of smiling and laughing today. Don't take me too seriously that my entire day was sadness...unless you want to feel bad for me...and give me gifts.)    JOY

The Next Step

My manly man made sure he didn't call me and worry me after he injured himself. Wasn't that sweet of him?! So eventually I found out that all this had happened. This happened September 8, 2009. Our anniversary is at the end of the month.

The first few days, I knew he was in a lot of pain, he was SUPER dizzy, and he threw up lots and lots.  We were going to doctor appointments a couple times a week trying to see what was wrong with him and what the doctors could do to help. Life changed instantly for us, but we thought it was temporary. Vertigo goes away...everybody knows that.

Toward the end of the month, Tony started talking about what we were going to do for our anniversary. He kept talking like it was a month away. I finally asked him when he though it was. He said, "August something, right?" I slowly realized we might have a problem. Trying to make it fun/funny, I started asking him simple questions. Some he got; some he didn't. I jokingly asked him to tell me the alphabet. He struggled. He missed the letter "J." He got messed up toward the end, but he managed to do it. We looked at each other and knew we were in for some fun. Our new daily tasks included working on his memory which we found out had lots of gaps in it. I also noticed that he had false memories. He was sure these things had happened, but I was there (and, of course, I'm right).

Over the course of the next four and a half years, Tony had back pain (both upper and lower), vertigo, headaches, ringing in the ears, balance problems, tremors, memory loss, problems sleeping, depth perception problems (sometimes that was fun), nausea, etc.

Over the course of the next four and a half years, we fought with the insurance company to approve tests and rehabilitation to help Tony. They would either say no, or say yes for a trial period and then say no. Tony actually began to get a little better at the 9 month mark. Then the insurance company denied the rehab that was helping, and he went down hill. 

We ended up getting a lawyer involved, so that he could receive the tests and help he needed. We actually made it to court, and the judge yelled at the insurance company! He told them that they had agreed to the tests, so get moving and set them up! Tony was actually down to the last two tests before we went back to court. He "missed" his appointments by 5-6 days. He didn't need them anymore. He was healthy and happy in Heaven.

So this is the history of what brought me to the place I am now. Tony died confident that God was in control and had a reason for everything we were going through. Tony chose joy. I had a shirt that said "Choose Joy," and Tony always joked that he had chosen Joy. When it came down to it, he showed me how to choose joy on a daily basis.   JOY

The Beginning of the End

Once upon a time (in a galaxy far, far away...not really), I wrote one blog. In it I used the word "blog" in almost every fashion available. Then I never wrote another blog again. THE END

This is who I am. This is the journey that God has had me walk. It hasn't been fun, but I have no regrets.

Four and a half years ago, my husband, Tony, injured himself on the job. He was a pest control technician. One day he went to work. He was spraying under a house. When he came up, he hit his head on a window air conditioner unit. He cut his head, but he thought that was it. He's a manly man, so he continued working. Later in the day, he was up in someone's attic working. He hit his head on someone's scissor lift. (I have no idea what that is, but he said it was something that could carry you up into the attic.) Manly man that he is, he hurt and continued working. On the last job of the day, he was outside spraying and hit his head on a tree. He didn't remember that one for a couple days. When he came home, I watched him and didn't let him go to sleep until the concussion looked okay. I would have liked for him to stay home, but my manly man went to work to provide for his family. (That's how he was...always providing for his fam. He was awesome that way.) First job the next day, he hit his head on the railing on his truck. He woke up away from his truck in some ivy. He was also wearing his backpack sprayer and laying on his back. He luckily figured out how to call his boss, and he picked him up and took him to the doctor. That's the story.

I think I will stop here for today. I will get into the next saga later. I try to think back on this day, and I don't remember much. I didn't realize that this was going to be a journey until later in the month.

How do you finish a blog? I don't know. I've never written one before. So, in everything, no matter what, choose to have joy. I believe joy is a choice. I don't think you have to feel happiness to have joy. Kinda weird, I know.   JOY