The only thing I really wanted to write about today was Tony's autopsy. Disgusting, I know. Gory, yucky, (insert your own word here), etc. It's something I never thought I would ever have to do or make a decision about... It's surreal.
The topic came up shortly after Tony died. Was there a connection between his heart attack and all the health junk we had been dealing with. The consensus was a very strong maybe. So I went to the coroner to have them do it. Contra Costa County's coroner is amazing. If you feel like talking to someone, call them up. They will talk to you...and be nice. Anyway, I had decided that I wanted to know if there was a way to show if Tony's brain had been indeed damaged, so I asked the coroner if he could do that. He truthfully told me no; he could only tell me if he had indeed died of a heart attack (or if not, then how he actually died). He quickly researched neurological autopsy technicians for me. I know...awesome! He greatly encouraged me. But he also recommended that I get Tony out of Sutter Delta before they started charging me storage fees. I don't know if he was joking or if they really would have charged me. I just know that I wasn't trusting Sutter Delta too much because they had been treating me really weirdly since Tony died in the ER.
I called Bay Area Cremation, who was going to be taking care of Tony's final ___ (whatever you want to call it). They said that they could move him and keep him until I made my final decisions on what to do. They also gave me 2 names and numbers of people who had worked with their company before with autopsies. This was encouraging. I got to calling and researching. The first one, I left a message. They never got back to me. The second one wasn't taking on new clients (apparently they did more than just autopsies). The third one was hard to understand, but he talked to me and helped greatly. I ended up going with him...I emailed him after that.
So the gory details...the Joy version (which means it won't be that gory). I initially decided to get a brain only autopsy and maybe toxicology. When they finished that, I found out that I would have to wait about 5 weeks for any initial findings. That worried me. So I emailed Roman, the autopsy guy, about maybe doing a full autopsy. He gave me some good answers and agreed. I called Bay Area Cremation, and they bent over backwards helping me with addition. I asked for them to do a full autopsy because I wanted to know if their is a genetic link having to do with the heart. My sister-in-law was kinda curious, and I felt it would be a help to her and my own kids. I also wanted to make sure about the cause of death. I haven't heard the timeline of Tony's demise, and Sutter Delta is being weird. So I decided to make sure.
The autopsy will be completed tomorrow. Then the waiting game begins. I HATE the waiting game. I'm not sure if you know this, but I really hate waiting. I hate the unknown. I hate change. I could go on.
So after the brain autopsy, I received word that they were done. I stupidly pictured my husband the way I last saw him...and now with the autopsy marks. I absolutely, completely lost it. I made my son nervous. He slowly set the thing he was carrying down, stepped backwards, and awkwardly walked backwards out of the room and out the door. He told me he didn't know what to do with girl tears. I told him a hug would be nice. He said that wasn't an option; he had to get away from tears. I probably shouldn't be telling everyone this. He would kill me.
The only way I choose joy today is to make fun of my son...just kidding. Some days are harder than others. Choosing joy isn't always a "yes" decision. It's hard to choose joy when thinking of your husband...dead...with autopsy marks on his head...and about to have an autopsy on his body...picturing the bodies in CSI and Bones and all the rest of the shows. Yep, that's right, end it on a gory note! That's me. That's my day. (I really did a lot of smiling and laughing today. Don't take me too seriously that my entire day was sadness...unless you want to feel bad for me...and give me gifts.) JOY