I don't really know what to write today, but I know I want to write. It has been very helpful for me to get my thoughts out of my head and into written form.
First, I want to thank those of you who have commented on my blog. It's very encouraging, and I can use encouragement right now. Second, I would love to be able to help someone else. That would be cool.
Today was a weepy kinda day. Everything made me tear up. Every step while I was alone was, "Alone...alone...alone....ALONE... It kinda sucked. I know that's not really true, but sometimes my head likes to say it to my heart.
I enjoyed work today. I forgot everything except work for awhile. No stress (except to get work done). It was nice. I got to do something that I have done for years and not have to think about how to do it.
I realized why it's a good thing that I am staying at my mom's house. I wouldn't get up in the morning if I didn't have someone to be accountable to. My kids are having a hard time getting up, and I don't think the day starts until around 10am. Don't get me wrong, I love the sunrise, just not every day...make that not very often.
I was talking to a therapist/counselor/friend, and I said that of course I researched the 5 stages of grief already. I wanted to know what to expect. I remembered that one of them was anger. I am not looking forward to anger because I know I will be angry at God. I have already apologized to Him for my future anger. Then later, I remembered depression. I would gladly take anger over depression. Depression is something that I struggle with already. I hate the pit that depression puts me in. I hate the feelings of hopelessness. I hate feeling like giving up. I am rather scared of the future depression. I pray it won't be too bad. I also studied, and it said that you don't always have to do each step. It doesn't have to be in a particular order. They don't all have to be awful. So I am counting on this philosophy. Anger will be a piece of cake. Depression will be no big deal. Hear that, God? That's my prayer. Just like I prayed for a miracle, and this wouldn't hurt as much as it should. So just because I'm probably still in denial doesn't mean that You can't make this happen.
We saw The Lego Movie tonight. Tony would have loved it. It had a song about AWESOME. That was Tony. It had Star Wars in it. Totally Tony. It had lame humor. Yep, Tony. The cool thing is that it didn't hurt. I could just be in the denial stage, and I don't think it hurts. I could break down tomorrow sobbing that Tony will never get to see this movie (like he would care now), and I just don't know how I'm going to watch Captain America without him. Anyway, I enjoyed the movie. I don't know yet if I will watch it again. I don't know how I will watch Captain America. I want to see it, but that one kinda hurts right now. That whole saga (Thor, Captain America, Avengers) was his/our thing. He used to watch them or listen to them almost every night to go to sleep. They were soothing. Here come the tears...
Have I told you that in my head I always called him my hubby wubby? Yep, I didn't tell him either. I never got around to it. I don't regret it; I just didn't do it. I also called him Tony Baloney. I did tell him that one just a few months ago. I know...weird...that I didn't tell him until recently...oh, well.
I need to stop writing tonight because I am having difficulty choosing joy tonight. Tonight I want to just cry. Life isn't really that bad, but I am missing the good times with my hubby wubby. I know down deep that if he were alive, he would probably be having a terrible time of it. He probably wouldn't have been able to go the movie. He'd probably be shaking like crazy. I'd probably be stressed because I couldn't help him. Instead, it's just me...only able to think of the good times...getting weepy...getting irritated at myself because my health is so much better now that he is gone...knowing it was probably the stress...knowing it doesn't make a difference in my head...I still feel guilty...even though I know it's not something to feel guilt over...
So that's my brain tonight...very random...trying to choose joy...not necessarily winning that...remembering the husband that used to annoy the snot out of me...in only the best possible ways...unable to remember how he used to annoy the snot out of me...
Sorry for the downer. You knew there had to be at least one. Thanks for reading. Thanks for praying. Thanks for commenting. Thanks for being my friends. In that, I choose joy. JOY