Monday, March 3, 2014

This Counts as Sunday

So, here I am, awake at 3:30am. This was Tony's "magical" time (make sure you read "magical" with extreme sarcasm). Somehow he would always wake me up at this time. Either he had to use the bathroom, or he was just getting to sleep. Whatever it was, often I would be awake and unable to go back to sleep. But there's no Tony here this time, so it should be against the law to be awake this early in the morning. Like the title says, this counts as Sunday. Morning hasn't really started, so it's the middle of the night still. This definitely does not count as Monday morning.

So I wanted to write out the reasons I know this is God's timing because I can feel the anger coming. Like I've said before, I'm not looking forward to anger. But I'd do anger a million times before I want to do depression. So here goes.

1. Tony was really, really bad at the end. He would be so miserable now.
2. We only had 7-8 weeks left when he died to be able to file a death suit with the insurance company. That one is amazing.
3. I had a miscarriage many years ago. I thought that was the worst pain a person could possible go through. It showed me that I needed people to get through pain like that. It made me learn how to reach out to others for survival. That has helped me greatly in the last two and a half weeks.
Dude, I'm totally stuck here. I know my brain wouldn't shut up earlier about all the reasons. That's another reason that this is still the middle of the night. We can work on more reasons later.

I pretty much gave myself the entire weekend off. We did a normal thing on Saturday and went to the Fabulous Ladies Luncheon. This is something Shari, my mom, Julia, and I have gone to for many years. It's a fun time for a bunch of ladies to get together, talk, and try to with some awesome prizes. Oh, yeah, it also raises money for different charities. So, that was fun. Then Sunday, I decided we'd do things as closely to the "old normal" as possible. It turned out fairly well. I enjoyed the weekend.

Now, I get to get back into the routine of the "new normal." I get to call Bay Area Cremation and PathServe to make sure that everything is completed there. I get to pay them my fortune (thank you everyone for donating to Joy's fortune fund to pay for weird expenses). I get to make sure social security has changed everything for me. I know there's more, but it's the middle of the night. The brain isn't working quite well.

I believe I have written enough to get my brain to shut up enough to go back to sleep. I hope I have written enough to get my brain to shut up enough to go back to sleep. That's why I get my brain to shut up. Yep, the brain is pretty empty now. I can't think of anything else. Yay!!! Something about choosing joy...blah, blah, blah.....sleep.....    JOY


  1. Another good thing about writing until your brain shuts off is that you can go back and read it later down the road. You'll be amazed how much the emptying process will have helped you...along with family, friends, and of course the Holy Spirit. I hope you had a decent nights sleep today my friend. ((HUGS))

  2. I believe Tony woke you up but it was in spirit this time. Not quite the same...again your honesty is refreshing and inspiring my prayers stay with you guys

  3. I'm frequently up around 4am... if you ever need someone to chat with who's also awake and wishing they were asleep! I'm happy to pout over not sleeping with you.

    Love you.