I began packing up the house. I have many feelings about this. I am happy because it's getting organized. I feel loved because quite a few people came over and helped. I feel sad because I found Tony's "dress up" shirt (Hawaiian shirt). I feel hope because I can see a future. I feel depressed because I'm already forgetting things about my hubby. I feel greatful because I got to live more than half my life with this one man. I feel frustrated because the future is uncertain. There's so much more that I'm feeling.
One of the interesting things that happened after writing a hard-on-me blog and then working on the house for two days...my brain shut up. I haven't wanted\needed to blog because my brain is quiet. It might possibly be quiet because I'm mourning more than before.
Pros on packing up the house...I can sell it and have money to live on.
Cons on packing up the house...I am erasing this era of my life.
Pro...I get a fresh start.
Con...I have to figure out what to keep, what to give, and what to throw.
Pro...I can heal without the bad memories constantly next to me.
Con...I like my neighbors. My neighbors LOVED Tony.
Pro...all of us can be closer to friends and family.
Con...it's hard to mess with Tony's stuff. I'm saving most of it for "later."
Remember I said that my brain is silent. Well, it's gone silent right in the middle of this blog. Awesome!!! (sarcasm) (and kinda not sarcasm) It's kinda nice to have a quiet brain.
I chose joy today by watching a show that would hurt because Tony wasn't there to watch it with me...it was something that I wanted to see. I chose joy by enjoying my kids. This sounds like a smallish thing, but sometimes I have to consciously make the effort to hang with them...especially when they are grumpy, moody, tired, snarky, critical, etc. It's just me now, and I choose to show my kids what joy is...except when I'm grumpy, moody, tired, snarky.....jk. JOY