Friday, March 28, 2014

Many Topics

I really should have made the title of my last blog "God's good vs. My good," but I enjoyed the way "God's Good?" came out. It made me laugh. And I didn't correct myself or anyone else. I just giggled. I have had a few discussions with my therapist/counselor/friend about what I think the difference is between what God wants for me and what I think God should want for me. Also the topic of "Do I think God will give me a level '10' happiness life or not." I mean, if God wants me to be "happy," shouldn't "happy" things happen to me. With that philosophy, God must not want me to be "happy" because "happy" things are not happening to me. Therefore, what is "God's good" aka "happy" plan for me? I know. I know. It's enough to make your head spin.

On to the next topic. I have noticed that the shock is now officially gone. I am officially in the sad phase. I also am enjoying the "Why?" phase and the "Why me?" phase...because, of course, other people deserve it more than me...jk  Sometimes I like to pretend that I was never married, then I can't be hurt by his death.

I got to do a "first" for me. I got to put the dog's flea medicine on them. Boy, was that fun! (sarcasm) At least Jeremiah bathed the dogs first. Then we took the dogs for a nice walk. It felt kinda weird doing this "first."

A friend gave me a gift (night light) with the words "I wish there were visiting hours in Heaven." It got me thinking. If I had 1 hour, what would I do/say? At first, I was thinking of all these questions. Then, I realized that I would probably just want to snuggle, smell him (as long as he didn't smell like sweat), hold his hand, hug him, just be near. I have a couple questions I would like to ask. I also have a few things I would like to say. I would have him teach me a lot of things...things that I didn't need to know because he was there to do it or walk me through it. I would have him retell me some of the stories because I'm forgetting them. I would make him smile and laugh because I miss those things...and I'm forgetting his laugh.

These are just a few of the things that are running through my head. None of them big enough for a blog on their own...or I don't want to dig into them enough to make them a blog of their own. I'm not truly depressed but I am. What does that mean? It means that I'm fighting depression. I would much rather sleep than anything else. BUT I am getting up each day, going to work, enjoying my kids, making plans for the future (2 weeks into the future, but hey, it's a start), and doing things that I would normally do.

I am not going out of my way to choose joy right now. I think I am choosing joy by just getting up every day...choosing to live...choosing to hang with the kids (they bring joy).          JOY

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