Tuesday, March 18, 2014

Rose Brignolio

Rose is the daughter I had that nobody got to meet. She's also the one who taught me how not to grieve. I miscarried Rose between Jeremiah and Julia. It was super duper awful, and I mourned for about a year. When I say mourn, I mean I don't remember most of that year. I closed up myself and cried and slept. I think that's how not to grieve. 

I don't think there's one right way to grieve though. I think grieving is a process, and everybody does it different. It takes different amounts of time for different people. 

Anyway, back to Rose. I wasn't very far along with her, but I was obviously pregnant. She was quite active. Now I wonder if she was active because she was sick. Whatever. The point is I had bonded. I was devastated when I found out I lost her. People said mean, rude things to help me feel better. I got all the best "Christian" answers. It super sucked. It hurt so much that when I prayed I could only say, "Ouch, God, it hurts." That's all I could get out. The things that helped were hugs and "I love yous." I closed myself off to others, so I couldn't  be hurt more. Through this experience I gained my philosophy on friendship and my philosophy on grieving. I didn't realize I had a philosophy on grieving until recently. 

My philosophy on grieving is that you need people. You need to get your thoughts out...like blogging or just writing a journal. I recommend seeing a counselor. They help you see that you are not insane. They help you get your thoughts out which makes it easier to work through things. Now you know why I do the things I do. I didn't do these things with Rose, and I didn't leave the devastated portion or grieving for almost a year. I don't recommend that. I'm not magically grieving "bravely." I've grieved a very painful, debilitating way, and I don't want to do it that way again. I'm fighting to not neglect my kids. I'm fighting to not lose a year or more of my life. I want to remember. I don't want to miss a thing (I am singing that song from Armaggedon). 

 I have so many other things to say, but I think this is for now. The last blog took a lot out of me. I like to control things, so I want to control when I feel pain. If you are going to take off a bandaid, then do it fast. (I don't really do that in real life ) So I ripped that bandaid off, and it hurt WAY more than I expected. 

I choose joy by not grieving the old way. I choose joy by actually being slightly greatful that I lost Rose, so I could grieve the loss of Tony better.        JOY

1 comment:

  1. Wow Joy! Wow! Keep writing! This is good to get out!! I have had serious anxiety issues in my past. When I say serious...I'm talking nervous breakdown serious! The counselor told me...you cannot control just the fear. If you want to suppress the fear because you don't want to hurt...then you will also suppress love, happiness and peace because you cannot suppress just one emotion. You have to suppress them all! I was in shock to learn this but it explained a lot. My counselor also told me to journal because that is what will help me to get those feelings out! Keep writing! Keep going! Sending virtual hugs and real prayers!