Tuesday, March 4, 2014

The Week of Firsts

My brain doesn't really want to work today. Yesterday was a hard day. I had to go sign papers that said I was done with Tony's body. I know it's just a body and not him, but it was so final. I super duper lost it. They are supposed to be cremating him today (probably why the brain isn't working). They said that I will probably get him back tomorrow. Yay! (read the "yay" with sarcasm) I quit thinking about it, but that makes it hard to think about anything.

My kids got keepsakes of their dad. Jeremiah chose a key chain. It looks like a lightsaber handle. I thought it looked pretty cool and very appropriate. Julia chose a glass necklace in green for dad's favorite color. It's the one I would have picked for her if I had chosen. Then we got a mini urn in green. It's technically the kids, but it will be around the house for awhile. I don't know what I think about it. It's a beautiful urn. It's not Tony. It's ashes which is kinda disgusting, but it is for the kids. I think they need that. Julia asked me if I was getting a keepsake. I told her if I needed something to remind me of her dad, I would just look at her and her brother. They are very much their father's kids. Sometimes that's hard. Sometimes that's fun.

This Friday night is KidStuf. The last KidStuf was Tony's last one. He did an awesome job. His dad asked me how he memorized his lines. I told him that he didn't. He would get the jist of the lines and then wing it. It was impossible for him to memorize anymore. So I have decided to attend KidStuf, but I don't want to work it. I want to be able to sit in the back and cry as much as I want. Then Saturday is our first family function (my niece's bday). We are making it as easy as possible to have a "Brignolio family function" without one of the Brignolios. 

Saturday night is the BNC Youth Oscars. I love the Oscars. Tony and I have presented an award for quite a few years. Each year we would come up with something bigger and better. Last year, we had to go low key because Tony couldn't handle too much. This year I was going to ask to opt out because I didn't think Tony could do it at all. Now I will opt out because I don't want to do it alone (without Tony). I will be attending. My "girls" (they are sophomores now) are making a video. I am proud of them. I can't wait to see what the rest of "my kids" do for their movies. They are so creative. I love them. They have definitely helped me keep moving on. I don't know what I would do without my BNC "Kids."

This morning I worked in the Nursery. I love those kids too. They force me to get over myself and smile. Luckily we only had 4 cute little ones. (There were 4 kids total. They were all cute.) Yesterday was so tiring that I wanted to fall asleep. Towards the end I did get one little guy to fall asleep. I wanted him longer, so that would give me an excuse to fall asleep, too. After all that, I ate lunch and had a nap. The nap was awesome (except the dogs woke me up with their barking).

So, this is a week of firsts. I am not looking forward to it. It super sucks. Today, I chose to do nothing. I chose to focus on nothing and just have joy. I laughed a lot. I worked with kids of all ages. It gave me a reason to keep moving on.  JOY

1 comment:

  1. You said something at the beginning of your blog...you said: I quit thinking about it, but that makes it hard to think about anything. This is the thing...we can't suppress just one emotion. If we are suppressing one...we are suppressing all. This blog is such a fantastic way to "feel" just an inkling of some of those scary feelings...fear...anger...you get the idea. You are so brave to write it!!! No...seriously brave!!! We are praying for you all. With this blog you can so chose JOY....and honestly so can I!