Good News!?!

So I recently got good news. The brain neuro pathologist found out that Tony really had a head injury. I was so surprised. (read with sarcasm) Well, I really was surprised because I had talked to him because he wanted to know why I wanted the brain autopsy. I told him about Tony's injuries and symptoms until his death. He told me that it was highly unlikely that he would find that kind of head trauma on the brain. So I expected that I would get a clean bill of health report on the brain. When he called me to give me the update, he kept saying that he was surprised to find the trauma...over and over... I know...God is good...all the time....all the time...God is good... Another thing that surprised me was that my first thought was "God does love me!" The next thing I thought was "Duh!" I knew before that I needed to reevaluate the way I think of God, but it surprised me that I would be surprised that God loves me. This is now my new homework assignment. Figure out why I think of God that way, and how can I change it.

Since I received this news, I have been feeling much happier. I feel a release of some burdens. I don't have to worry anymore that people (insurance company) might think that we were lying...that we were making it all up. It was hard to live through, and even harder when people didn't believe you. Most people never saw how he was injured, but they believed us. A few people got to see him while he was showing some symptoms. Mostly only family and super close friends got to see him for who he was...all the injuries...all the symptoms...all the pain...all the suffering... Only I got to hear what was going on inside his brain...his hopes...his dreams...his fears about his failing health...his loves...the things that kept him going.

When I thought that there wouldn't be anything on Tony's brain to show his injury, I kinda felt like all that we had gone through was for nothing. There was nothing to show for it. Just my word. Just my memories. With this proof, I feel so much relief. I hate to say it, but I feel justified. I feel like I've been given back my integrity, my honesty. I feel like I can say, "See? I wasn't lying. I was telling the truth! Do you believe me now?"

To bring Easter into this since it is tomorrow. I heard someone tell the Easter story, and she said it slightly different than I had heard it before. It got me thinking. I'm not quite ready to share this part because I'm still working through some deep, heavy stuff. But I am looking forward to Easter.

I didn't choose joy for awhile because I didn't want to hear any more bad news. I refused joy. I have repented of my attitude and have chosen joy since. I keep reminding myself that It Is Well With My Soul. That 's how I have been choosing joy. IT IS WELL.                                 JOY

Weary

I have been feeling weary these days. I don't know if it's one of the official stages, but it should be. I used to think of the song "Worn" as my theme song. I know others did too. I was always so tired working, taking care of kids, ministry, care giving for my husband, etc. Now I would do almost anything to go back to being "worn." I wouldn't want Tony to have to go through all that again, but I miss the "togetherness" of making decisions with someone else. It can be annoying, and I love making my own decisions. But it is also lonely. A friend confided in me that she sometimes thought about what would happen if her husband died. How she would be so sad. I confided back that I used to think the same thing, and reality is nowhere near the imagination. The imagination was yucky, but the reality is paralyzing in its pain. It makes me weary. 

I got to fill out my Buddy Bears form today. I got to write that I am no longer married, and I'm a widow. I got to write that I no longer have a husband. Fun.

I miss our inside jokes. I didn't realize how many Tony and I had. The last few days I have wanted to text him or made a mental note to tell him when I got home. I finally lost it at the Giants game yesterday. I have never cried during Dont Stop Believing before. There were just too many things I wanted to talk to Tony about. I hope that I will be able to enjoy going to games again. 

I have begun to get weary when thinking of the future and finances. Every year that Tony was hurt, we made a little less. Each year we lowered our expenses to make ends meet. Last year we ended up getting food from the food bank to be able to eat. Now I am looking toward the future. Originally I wanted to sell the house because it had too many not-fun memories. Now I have to sell the house because I can't afford it. That's discouraging. Selling it because of memories is okay. Selling it because of lack of money hurts. This is not a sob story for help. This is just for me. This is another reason for weariness. I used to work because I loved my job. Now I work because I need the money. It's not as enjoyable that way.  

Recently I have chosen to not have joy. I don't want to have joy. I want to wallow in my weariness. Then God brings me a bunch of awesome ladies who pull me out of it for a few hours. God chose joy for me for awhile. I'm still moping in my lack of joy. I want my financial miracle, and I want it now. Anything less and I don't want joy. Selfish, I know. That's where I am.        JOY

Being Dad

When I met Tony, I was a total prude. I was the prudeliest of prudes. I was a goody two shoes and proud of it. I was naive and had no idea. Junior High boy joking was a foreign language. 

Shortly after Tony died, my kids informed me separately, on their own, that I needed to do "dad" stuff for them. One of the kids wanted me to check out their poop...gross...I want to puke. One kid wanted me to watch yucky videos. They both wanted me to continue to do that "dad thing" that only dad could do for them. Totally easy...I can do it...dude, Tony's disgusting. 

I found myself looking through the mystery blinds at the coroner's office. I touched the wet paint at Target. I laughed when someone said "do do." 

This week we went to Santa Cruz. I found myself doing way too many "dad" comments. We went to a marine center. There was a worm thing. I had to make the crude comment. Okay, I didn't have to, but my kids got a kick out of it. I don't know what they think is funnier...the comments or the fact that MOM is saying them. I truly enjoyed the trip. I enjoyed being mom. I got a weird, happy feeling being dad. Other than wanting to text Tony during dinner to find out how he was doing, it was all good. 

So I chose joy by accepting a fun request from my kids...keeping dad's legacy alive through us. We continue to talk about him, tell his jokes, and speak his crude humor. Not exactly who I dreamed of becoming.          JOY

Elaborate Dream

Last week I was stuck in an elaborate dream. It was weird. I was married to a guy named Tony. He was funny, and he a absolutely adored me. The only problem is that I couldn't remember our history together. I could read it on a list. I could see it in pictures (except he was bleary), but I couldn't remember it. It was quite unnerving...and a little scary. 

I know the elaborate dream is real life. I know I am forgetting, but I can't believe that it felt like a dream...and not real. It scared me. 

Don't worry. This dream phase is over for now. I was in bed, and I rolled over to tell Tony something. Wow! That was painful. I sobbed for awhile on that one. After the sobfest, what little sleep I got was filled with dreams...every one of them with Tony in it...every one of them knowing Tony shouldn't be there with me. That was Saturday night. I was still extremely emotional on Sunday. In fact, I absolutely lost it during church. I am so thankful for friends...and loud worship music. Other than the horrible red puffy face, most people didn't know I just did my ugly cry in a huge way. 

How did I choose joy this week? I went on a trip to Santa Cruz with my kids and their home school group...a trip I really didn't want to go on. I went for my two kids...and my mom said I should... I have enjoyed myself. I have enjoyed my kids. We created new, fun memories. I even got the best, most appropriate fortune..."Your sense of humor will get you through difficult times.".      JOY

Another List

My brain won't shut up, so I am creating a list called "Things I won't have/get to do..." I am not overly sad about most of these right now. I just can't get them to stop running through my head. I have already grieved for some. I will probably have a hard time writing a few, but here it goes. 
*I don't get to have our 25th anniversary. I'm pretty bummed about that. My mom saved our wedding napkins for it. They are cute and very 80s/90s. 
*I don't get to watch my daughter walk down the aisle at her wedding on the arm of her father. Don't get me started on this one.....
*We were going on an Alaskan cruise this coming July. 
*We were going to be that cute old couple holding hands. 
*I have to watch Captain America without him. 
*I have to give the kids' awards to them when everyone knows he's the funny one. 
*Kidstuf isn't the same. 
*I have to be the bad parent. I was used to being the good parent.   
*I get to be a single parent. I knew it was hard, but WOW!
*I don't get to use his handicap placard anymore or park in the handicap parking places at the front. I am quite bummed by this. I was looking forward to going to Disneyland just so we could use it. 
*No pranks!!! Wait, Julia likes to prank just like her dad. Drat!
*No retirement home together. We had it planned. 

This list goes on and on. My brain is now quiet. I may be able to sleep now. How do I choose joy? Well, thanks for asking. I choose joy by laughing. The awesome Brignolio family taught me to laugh. Find something humorous even in the hard times. It help you survive and thrive.     JOY