So I recently got good news. The brain neuro pathologist found out that Tony really had a head injury. I was so surprised. (read with sarcasm) Well, I really was surprised because I had talked to him because he wanted to know why I wanted the brain autopsy. I told him about Tony's injuries and symptoms until his death. He told me that it was highly unlikely that he would find that kind of head trauma on the brain. So I expected that I would get a clean bill of health report on the brain. When he called me to give me the update, he kept saying that he was surprised to find the trauma...over and over... I know...God is good...all the time....all the time...God is good... Another thing that surprised me was that my first thought was "God does love me!" The next thing I thought was "Duh!" I knew before that I needed to reevaluate the way I think of God, but it surprised me that I would be surprised that God loves me. This is now my new homework assignment. Figure out why I think of God that way, and how can I change it.
Since I received this news, I have been feeling much happier. I feel a release of some burdens. I don't have to worry anymore that people (insurance company) might think that we were lying...that we were making it all up. It was hard to live through, and even harder when people didn't believe you. Most people never saw how he was injured, but they believed us. A few people got to see him while he was showing some symptoms. Mostly only family and super close friends got to see him for who he was...all the injuries...all the symptoms...all the pain...all the suffering... Only I got to hear what was going on inside his brain...his hopes...his dreams...his fears about his failing health...his loves...the things that kept him going.
When I thought that there wouldn't be anything on Tony's brain to show his injury, I kinda felt like all that we had gone through was for nothing. There was nothing to show for it. Just my word. Just my memories. With this proof, I feel so much relief. I hate to say it, but I feel justified. I feel like I've been given back my integrity, my honesty. I feel like I can say, "See? I wasn't lying. I was telling the truth! Do you believe me now?"
To bring Easter into this since it is tomorrow. I heard someone tell the Easter story, and she said it slightly different than I had heard it before. It got me thinking. I'm not quite ready to share this part because I'm still working through some deep, heavy stuff. But I am looking forward to Easter.
I didn't choose joy for awhile because I didn't want to hear any more bad news. I refused joy. I have repented of my attitude and have chosen joy since. I keep reminding myself that It Is Well With My Soul. That 's how I have been choosing joy. IT IS WELL. JOY