Sunday, April 13, 2014
I have been feeling weary these days. I don't know if it's one of the official stages, but it should be. I used to think of the song "Worn" as my theme song. I know others did too. I was always so tired working, taking care of kids, ministry, care giving for my husband, etc. Now I would do almost anything to go back to being "worn." I wouldn't want Tony to have to go through all that again, but I miss the "togetherness" of making decisions with someone else. It can be annoying, and I love making my own decisions. But it is also lonely. A friend confided in me that she sometimes thought about what would happen if her husband died. How she would be so sad. I confided back that I used to think the same thing, and reality is nowhere near the imagination. The imagination was yucky, but the reality is paralyzing in its pain. It makes me weary.
I got to fill out my Buddy Bears form today. I got to write that I am no longer married, and I'm a widow. I got to write that I no longer have a husband. Fun.
I miss our inside jokes. I didn't realize how many Tony and I had. The last few days I have wanted to text him or made a mental note to tell him when I got home. I finally lost it at the Giants game yesterday. I have never cried during Dont Stop Believing before. There were just too many things I wanted to talk to Tony about. I hope that I will be able to enjoy going to games again.
I have begun to get weary when thinking of the future and finances. Every year that Tony was hurt, we made a little less. Each year we lowered our expenses to make ends meet. Last year we ended up getting food from the food bank to be able to eat. Now I am looking toward the future. Originally I wanted to sell the house because it had too many not-fun memories. Now I have to sell the house because I can't afford it. That's discouraging. Selling it because of memories is okay. Selling it because of lack of money hurts. This is not a sob story for help. This is just for me. This is another reason for weariness. I used to work because I loved my job. Now I work because I need the money. It's not as enjoyable that way.
Recently I have chosen to not have joy. I don't want to have joy. I want to wallow in my weariness. Then God brings me a bunch of awesome ladies who pull me out of it for a few hours. God chose joy for me for awhile. I'm still moping in my lack of joy. I want my financial miracle, and I want it now. Anything less and I don't want joy. Selfish, I know. That's where I am. JOY