I don't know what to call this one.

So Mother's Day wasn't as easy as I thought it was. Both my kids became surly the next day. Yay! They haven't really gotten over their surliness; they just keep showing it in new and unique ways. I feel very alone. 

Tony's boys from Liberty HS have dedicated this baseball season to him. These are his seniors. They have been doing a good job. He'd be really proud of them. They are now playing in the off season trying tonwin first for Tony. They made it through the first round by beating Heritage. The next round is against De La Salle. Ouch! I think they can do it. I would love for them to win. I have been going to these last few games, and they are fun!

I am unloading my house this weekend. Anybody want some old, used furniture that would love to be refurbished? I have some end tables that would be fun to work on. Tony and I got them used when we got married. I kept them thinking that some day I would redo them..... I am going to be donating a bunch of stuff to people who want/need stuff...couches where one side doesn't recline anymore...several end tables... I like the idea of getting rid of stuff. I don't like the idea of having to haul all the stuff I'm keeping to a new location to be stored until I'm ready to move it again. I hate moving, but I dislike the house more. There are just so many bad memories. 

I am looking forward to getting a place of my own. I'm not looking forward for it to be just me and Jules. I dread the day Jeremiah says that he has a place of his own. Although right now I wouldn't be too unhappy without the kids...they are annoying and tearing me down. I am just afraid of the aloneness. I already feel it at times, and I love be in a place with many people. How bad will it be when I'm actually alone?

I think one of the reasons that I'm so morose is that I am going to a memorial service tomorrow. One of Tony's coach buddies recently lost his battle with cancer. I really liked this guy. He was amazing. He was just at Tony's memorial service. I wish I had words of wisdom for his wife. I have nothing. I have tears. I can offer a hug. That's it. 

I am also not sleeping well. I know that is helping immensely with my moroseness. I thought I had moved into avoidance. That is true to an extent. I avoid crying and things that might make me cry. I am still very much in anger. Anger is wearing me out. 

I am trying so hard to choose joy. Most times I am too tired to actively pursue joy. It is also hard to choose joy when you want to scream out in anger. It's hard to choose joy when parenting becomes overwhelming. It's hard, but I am trying.              JOY


Oh, I choose joy by making morbid jokes. If you would like to see Tony's last selfie, just ask. Of course, it is his brain, so you may want to pass on that. Yes, I got a good giggle showing people that one. I was going to post the picture, but thought it might be a tad gross.

Baseball, Friends, and Family

These last few days have been interesting. I talked to my therapist/counselor/friend and realized that I have not been seeing God in the little things like I used to. He suggested I ask God to open my eyes to see these again. So I did. Wow! I have been reading about about grief (I'm still unsure if I agree with it or not so I'm not posting the title), and it said to ask God specifically for what you want (that's a paraphrase...there's more to it than that). I did and wow! Now here's the story that ties these two together. Yesterday was Liberty High School's final regular game of the season. The Seniors on the team were Tony's boys. The three local high schools were tied for first place (I think), so they all were playing each other this week. Tuesday Liberty beat Heritage. Yesterday they were playing Freedom (the Juniors on that team are also Tony's boys). Liberty's baseball team has chosen to dedicate the entire season to Tony since so many of them were coached and loved by him. They have made me feel like I was part of the Liberty baseball family. It was a funny, awesome game. Tony would have enjoyed it so much. I was so proud of the boys. They are adorable. I got to talk to the coach a little bit afterwards and thanked him. Then I raced off the the SF Giants game. I had this tickets for months, but I didn't want to miss this important Liberty game. I arrived during the 5th inning. (I will stop here and let you know that I have felt that I was a jinx for a few years. It seems that every game I go to they lose.) They were losing...no surprise there...they love to lose for me. I got situated in my seat, started updating my mom and Shari on the Liberty game, and then the game started to turn around. The Giants started hitting the ball and running the bases! Cool! The Kiss Cam came on...I find it hilarious...and partway through a guy proposed...she said yes...it was so cool! It was hot, and I wanted ice cream. I didn't want to leave my seat because I wanted to watch the game. So I said, "Where's the ice cream man?" Up the stairs comes a girl selling ice cream...no joking. It was amazing timing. We got up and did the 7th inning stretch. I got into my neighbor's selfie. She thought it was funny. The game continued to be awesome. Then came the 8th inning Sing-a-Long. For the past few years, it's been "Don't Stop Believing" which I find to be a ridiculous song. I sing it...but have year listened to the words... Last night, it was "Lights" by Journey.........I love that song. Tony and I had just had a conversation about this song a few weeks/months before he died. I said that it brought back warm, fuzzy memories...nothing specific...just happiness.... He thought about it and agreed. That's how it made him feel, too. So it's a special song for me. I half teared up. I started getting excited because it looked like the Giants were going to win, and it's been forever since I heard Tony Bennett sing "I Left My Heart in San Francisco"...that's what they play when they win. The moment came! They won. The lady (that I selfied with) laughed at us because we laughed, sang along, and clapped to the "WooHoo song they play first. Actually a lot of people were looking at us and laughing....... When that song ended, the long-awaited song began. They lady next to me started to leave, so I gave her a hug (she's part of the Giants family, so why not). We started to sing along with this song, and I suddenly realized...there wouldn't be a Tony waiting at home to talk over this game (he would have been watching it or listening to it). There wouldn't be a Tony to talk to about this guy's awesome outfit (red plaid shorts and a blue shirt with yellow stripes). I got all teary. It was a fun day. It was a funny day. But reality can take away some of the fun and funny. I refused to let it ruin my day. I cried, and I focused on all the wonderful that had happened. I still find myself asking myself if this is really real...Am I really not going to see this man on earth ever again...Really?...

A friend of mine sent me a picture. On it it says, "Determine to choose joy." In this moment, I have determined to choose joy. I will focus on the fun of the day. I will focus on how much Tony would have enjoyed it. I will focus on joy. I chose joy yesterday. I chose joy today. I will choose joy tomorrow (at least I think I will).                                               JOY

Mother's Day

Mother's Day was never a special holiday for me with Tony. He would always tell me that I wasn't his mom, so he didn't need to get me anything. I can still totally hear him saying this. I always enjoyed the cute things the kids did for me. I usually helped them, but still... I'm a mom.. I love almost everything my kids give me or make for me. I have to say almost because Julia tries to find things that are ridiculous for me to like. I did miss him like crazy today, but I didn't notice a lack of gift. 

Right after Tony died, around the memorial service, and today I felt moments of guilt. Mostly towards Tony's parents. I feel guilty because he's gone. I know it's not a real reason...I have to talk myself out of it...but I still feel like apologizing for his death...let them know I would gladly (probably gladly is the wrong word) take care of him for many, many more years. Like that makes it better. 

Now Father's Day! I'm already swearing up a storm in my head for that one. 

Back to my Mother's Day...I had a great day. I had lunch with my kids and my mom (my dad and bro too). I got presents. I got a homemade card. I got an awesome card that I picked out. I got Giants stuff that I also picked out. My kids were great. I went to church. It was a traditional Mother's Day for me. 

I chose joy. I focused on the positive, and ignored the hard parts. I used to be very good at ignoring the hard parts. Not so easy these days. But I chose joy today.                        JOY

Anger Sucks

I am officially in the anger stage. (And boy am I mad.) Yesterday I was so angry I couldn't make that joke. My therapist/counselor/friend helped me through a portion. I have learned that there is no magic wand to wave it away instantly. That super sucks. I kinda apologize for the word "sucks." It's my swear word of choice. Not too bad considering the ones floating around inside my head and begging to come out. 

The first title I wrote was "I am Angry!" Of course, because of working with the youth kids that title made me want to say "Rhonda angry!" That kinda made me laugh and therefore was not angry enough to write this blog. There's a fine line in anger for writing. You can't be too angry, or you sound a bit crazy or mean. You can't be under angry because then people can't see that you are angry. When you are angry, you want everyone to know. Not really. It just seems that way. 


I put this post away for a few weeks...
Over the last few weeks talking to my therapist/counselor/friend, I have learned that anger is okay. It is acceptable...just don't do something you will regret while angry. I was so angry that I wanted to break something. We decided that I could break something. So I went to Dollar Tree...bought a bunch of breakables (plates, bowls, cups, stemware, snow globe, trinkets...) ...bought some duct tape and garbage bags...pulled out my baseball bat..... Just realizing that I could break things really made me feel good. I was able to smile. I was able to work through the anger to figure out what was behind the anger...abandonment. I don't want to get into that right now. I am satisfied that I figured it out. Now I have to ponder these things in my heart.

I refused to choose joy for awhile. Now I choose joy by hanging with my kids, by laughing with my kids, by choosing graduation announcements with my boy, by working with my girl on her school work, by shopping with my girl...yep, I've been choosing joy in lots of different ways. I am enjoying this new life that I have. I'm not happy about it, but I choose joy.                        JOY

Anger

I am at the anger stage of grieving. I have found it to be hard to write with anger. Everything comes out so angry and bitter. Weird, huh? I have been working on a post, but the anger keeps getting in the way. So I put it aside. I thought I was getting better with the anger, but it reared its angry head again. So that's it for now. I am not choosing joy. Maybe a few moments I do, but mostly no. And I'm okay with that.          JOY