I am officially in the anger stage. (And boy am I mad.) Yesterday I was so angry I couldn't make that joke. My therapist/counselor/friend helped me through a portion. I have learned that there is no magic wand to wave it away instantly. That super sucks. I kinda apologize for the word "sucks." It's my swear word of choice. Not too bad considering the ones floating around inside my head and begging to come out.
The first title I wrote was "I am Angry!" Of course, because of working with the youth kids that title made me want to say "Rhonda angry!" That kinda made me laugh and therefore was not angry enough to write this blog. There's a fine line in anger for writing. You can't be too angry, or you sound a bit crazy or mean. You can't be under angry because then people can't see that you are angry. When you are angry, you want everyone to know. Not really. It just seems that way.
I put this post away for a few weeks...
Over the last few weeks talking to my therapist/counselor/friend, I have learned that anger is okay. It is acceptable...just don't do something you will regret while angry. I was so angry that I wanted to break something. We decided that I could break something. So I went to Dollar Tree...bought a bunch of breakables (plates, bowls, cups, stemware, snow globe, trinkets...) ...bought some duct tape and garbage bags...pulled out my baseball bat..... Just realizing that I could break things really made me feel good. I was able to smile. I was able to work through the anger to figure out what was behind the anger...abandonment. I don't want to get into that right now. I am satisfied that I figured it out. Now I have to ponder these things in my heart.
I refused to choose joy for awhile. Now I choose joy by hanging with my kids, by laughing with my kids, by choosing graduation announcements with my boy, by working with my girl on her school work, by shopping with my girl...yep, I've been choosing joy in lots of different ways. I am enjoying this new life that I have. I'm not happy about it, but I choose joy. JOY