Thursday, May 22, 2014

I don't know what to call this one.

So Mother's Day wasn't as easy as I thought it was. Both my kids became surly the next day. Yay! They haven't really gotten over their surliness; they just keep showing it in new and unique ways. I feel very alone. 

Tony's boys from Liberty HS have dedicated this baseball season to him. These are his seniors. They have been doing a good job. He'd be really proud of them. They are now playing in the off season trying tonwin first for Tony. They made it through the first round by beating Heritage. The next round is against De La Salle. Ouch! I think they can do it. I would love for them to win. I have been going to these last few games, and they are fun!

I am unloading my house this weekend. Anybody want some old, used furniture that would love to be refurbished? I have some end tables that would be fun to work on. Tony and I got them used when we got married. I kept them thinking that some day I would redo them..... I am going to be donating a bunch of stuff to people who want/need stuff...couches where one side doesn't recline anymore...several end tables... I like the idea of getting rid of stuff. I don't like the idea of having to haul all the stuff I'm keeping to a new location to be stored until I'm ready to move it again. I hate moving, but I dislike the house more. There are just so many bad memories. 

I am looking forward to getting a place of my own. I'm not looking forward for it to be just me and Jules. I dread the day Jeremiah says that he has a place of his own. Although right now I wouldn't be too unhappy without the kids...they are annoying and tearing me down. I am just afraid of the aloneness. I already feel it at times, and I love be in a place with many people. How bad will it be when I'm actually alone?

I think one of the reasons that I'm so morose is that I am going to a memorial service tomorrow. One of Tony's coach buddies recently lost his battle with cancer. I really liked this guy. He was amazing. He was just at Tony's memorial service. I wish I had words of wisdom for his wife. I have nothing. I have tears. I can offer a hug. That's it. 

I am also not sleeping well. I know that is helping immensely with my moroseness. I thought I had moved into avoidance. That is true to an extent. I avoid crying and things that might make me cry. I am still very much in anger. Anger is wearing me out. 

I am trying so hard to choose joy. Most times I am too tired to actively pursue joy. It is also hard to choose joy when you want to scream out in anger. It's hard to choose joy when parenting becomes overwhelming. It's hard, but I am trying.              JOY

Oh, I choose joy by making morbid jokes. If you would like to see Tony's last selfie, just ask. Of course, it is his brain, so you may want to pass on that. Yes, I got a good giggle showing people that one. I was going to post the picture, but thought it might be a tad gross.

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