This week I am back to sad. I thought I was doing okay. I got a lot of things moved out of my house. I was able to give things to people who needed it. Awesome! I got to throw things away. Fun! It was going all fine and dandy...then I was asked about a stupid little lunch box. I lost it. It was from California Adventure shortly after it opened. We got it in an area we loved to walk through many times a day. I didn't realize that this would be the thing that would bring me to grieve. I kept it. It has wonderful memories. I had a few friends over who hugged me, cried with me, and prayed for me. The best part of the day was watching James Dirk pull out our measuring pole. It is a post in the living room that we marked the kids' heights on twice a year. Tony used to measure them in June around Jeremiah's bday, and then again around Christmas. I am happy we get to take it with us.
My tiny baby boy is graduating from high school. I had to stop writing this blog for a few days because it was too hard. I tried a few times to continue it. Let's see how far I get this time. I think when most parents have a child they dream of the coming milestones. This was one that Tony and I had talked about. This was the one graduation Tony was truly looking forward to. We had pictured it. We had dreamed it. We had envisioned it. It was our first child, our boy, and he was graduating.
This no longer looks like our dream. When my kids receive their awards this year, it will be just me. When we take family graduation pictures like everyone does, it will just be the three of us. Tears are pouring down my face as I write this. I only get half of this dream. My heart hurts.
I am still trying to choose joy. I go out and hang with people. I'm not good at talking right now. It's all I can do to keep a brave face. JOY