Today is my birthday. It comes with mixed feelings.
I used to have terrible birthdays every year. It got so bad that I would start looking for what was going to go wrong. It became kinda like a joke. It would be funny if it didn't suck. Then I decided then actual day didn't matter that much. I began to celebrated for a few days or weeks or even a month. My body became less stressful. The actual day began to get better. It was pretty cool. I learned this technique of not putting so much pressure or expectation on the one special day.
Tony and I used to watch Mad About You on TV. The main dude character always had bad things happen on his body. It felt good to know I wasn't the only one (ssshhh...you don't need to remind me that it is a fictional character). This one episode something bad happens on his body and he says something like "its okay...at least last year was good." So they think back to the year before, and something bad happens. So he says the same thing, and they think back to the year before that. Once again something bad happens. This goes on for a few years. Tony and I got such a laugh at that. We (really just me) began to relax more for bdays and just have fun and be flexible. We spread the bday out. It has become fun. I enjoy bdays now.
So I began today by going to social security. I know...be jealous! It took my number being called once, being sent back to sit, my name getting called, being given forms to fill out and sitting back down, and then getting my name called again to accomplish what I needed. After 2 1/2 hours, I received some awesome, amazing news. I will continue to get financial help even after Jeremiah turns 18 tomorrow!!! I should get financial help until Julia turns 18 (unless a miracle happens and I don't need it anymore). So that was a good way to start my bday.
Well the day really started at midnight when my cousin and I tried to beat each other to the bday wishes. She was born on my 1st bday. She is the greatest bday present I have ever had. Just in case you want to know, this was my 41st bday.. I told her I would quit telling people how old she was.
So on to the new.... There was this moment when everyone was singing Happy Birthday. I was smiling, having a god time, looked down at the candle, and wondered what would be my wish this year....... I realized that my wish could not come true (I want Tony). I had to rephrase it in my head...what is your wish that could actually happen.... Not so fun.
I felt truly loved and not alone with all my family and friends being with me and sending me messages. That part was good. I wanted to cry a few times...not so good...I hate crying...especially on my bday. I wanted today to be a no-cry day. I already spend most of yesterday sleeping, moping, and crying.
Today I chose joy by focusing on my cousin's big day, my family and friends who worked hard to make it a happy day, and enjoying my kids (especially with helping my tiny, baby boy make plans for tomorrow...his 18th bady). JOY
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