Buddy Bears

A little know fact about Buddy Bears...or maybe just long forgotten...Tony and I used to be Buddy leaders...and we loved competing to see whose team would win...we were on separate teams...usually younger kids...and we had so much fun with our kids to beat each other's team.........

We also did the skits together. That was fun. Eventually we got burned out a bit...then he couldn't get off work because summer was his busy season. Then he got hurt. He managed to come back one year to do skits. Then it was too much for him. So he stayed home, packed lunches for the kid, washed all our shirts, and listened to the stories every night. Then we'd reminisce about the good old days when we competed. Now it's me...with memories...

I love Buddy Bears. I love the people. I love most of the kids. This year I'd prefer to survive it, hide out in the office, and pretend that all is right in the world. 

I have come to a physical acceptance that Tony is gone. I still want to cry all the time and for seemingly no reason. I still get crazy angry that this is my new normal. I have a snow globe on my desk at work...that is not there for its beauty...it is there so I can break it if I feel the anger overpowering me...just looking at it and knowing I have that option calms me down enough to deal...

This weekend is some more firsts. Saturday is Jeremiah's grad party. We are doing it with a bunch of his friends who also graduated. That should be fun (not sarcasm). Then comes Sunday...Father's Day...  I love my fathers, but this is a hard holiday. My dad will be feeling guilty for surviving a heart attack when his son-in-law didn't (sorry dad for sharing). The other dads just lost their son, so I feel that by saying "Happy Father's Day" I am just reminding them of this fact. Then comes my kids. They just lost their dad..........yep, this should be fun (definitely sarcasm). Jeremiah is going to camp that day, so Julia and I talked about going to see a sad movie so we could cry like crazy and blend in...not have to explain why. 

So this is where I talk about choosing joy. I am in small ways, but I feel like just saying "blah blah blah choose joy blah blah.".          JOY