Uncomfortable Blog

I have no idea what I really want to write about. Well, I do...but I am not too keen on posting it. Julia reminded me that I can write it but not publish it. 

The SF Giants just made it to the World Series. I should be happy, but I'm sad. Am I sad or just feeling sad because of all the yucky stuff that's happening?

I've been coming up with tons of horrendous halloween costumes...really they are Brignolio humor awesome...pregnant lady, grim reaper, Jony (half Tony/half Joy), Mrs. Claus, disco king with my own disco ball balloon and leisure suit....I could go on.....

The real thing I'm struggling with is that I'm missing Tony in a physical sense. Watch out...this may be PG-13. I am now pretending that no one will be reading this. I don't talk about this kind of stuff. I only started talking about this stuff when I realized that my kids will hear it from somebody, and I'd rather it be me that they hear it from. Really all I'm craving is a long, non-safe-place hug (for all of you not working in the Children's Department at BNC, a safe place hug is a one-armed side hug) and possible a toe-curling kiss. I know me though. If a kiss can make my toes curl, I would probably want more (I've been married...I've enjoyed what comes next.) I wouldn't do anything about it, but my brain would focus on it for a long time. It would make it so much worse and so uncomfortable to be in my brain. So it's not going to happen. I sarcastically thought about putting an ad out for a dude who would give me a no-strings-attached long hug and fab kiss. The requirements would be a man not related to me, nowhere close to my son's age, not married or dating, cute would be a bonus, undecided about facial hair, taller than me (should be easy), not smelly...that's as far as I made it on the requirements. If you would like to apply for the job, feel free to text me at 925-628-NotHappening. I would really prefer someone who looks like Tony, acts like Tony, smells like Tony.....is Tony. Anything else is a bit creepy (I was going to say nasty, but that made me feel a bit uncomfortable...having been married to Tony...it would have been accompanied by a snicker). But this craving is causing this massive ache inside. My heart just hurts so much. I start crying as I write this because the ache is so strong, so painful. I have taken moments to hang out with guys just so I can remember what it was like to be around my man. I still love my man ferociously, so anyone else is just yucky physically. I begin to wonder if I will ever feel loved again, if someone will look at me with that complete love and adoration in their eyes. I have had the ultimate dream, a man who thought I was pretty, who loved me when I didn't love myself, who looked out for me, who tried to fix all things for me... Will I ever get to feel this again? Do I want to feel this again? It obviously won't be Tony, so I don't know if I even want it. I want to be loved, but I want to be loved by Tony.

This is definitely the hardest blog I have written. The others may have been yucky or painful, but this one has me sobbing. I'm hoping that by writing it, I will be able to move on. That has been the pattern from the past. So here's hoping that I will be able to give up this craving. That it will be subdued. Life was not always good with Tony. We had many terrible years, but the last ones we finally made it to heaven on earth (if you ignore watching your husband deteriorate mentally and physically).

So, how have I chosen joy? I haven't really. I don't have enough energy to fight for joy. I have woken up each day, eaten at least one meal each day, and fought hard to find things funny (sometimes hilariously funny) (sometimes inappropriately funny...sorry to those who I was inappropriate with...with my words), worked out at the gym, hung out with my kids (have I said lately how awesome my kids are?), tried to enjoy the Giants games....... So, I guess, in a weird way, that's as much choosing joy as I can at the moment.

So, there you go. Will I hit the publish button or not? At this moment, I'm not sure. Originally I said no. Now I might just so my brain will shut up. Please don't look at me funny. Don't give me the look. Don't make fun of me...unless I'm in a good mood...I love laughing. That's it.                              JOY

My Anniversary Trip

So first I want to explain why we were married on September 26. It had to do with when the baseball season was. Tony played baseball back then in a semi-pro league. We also were Giants fans. So that meant that we needed to be married in February/March before the season began, end of September between the regular season and post season (it used to be that way), or end of October (and after) when the season was over. We chose September 26 which happened to be a Saturday which also just happened to be exactly a week before my parents' anniversary. There you have it...it all started with baseball.

Last Christmas, I received my customary 6 pack of SF Giants tickets! I love getting this present. We got to go once a month for the entire season! The last ticket of the season was September 25. I joked with Tony that I was going to see the Giants for my anniversary, and he didn't get to go.

With all the other firsts that have happened, I now knew that the days preceding the BIG first are much worse than the actual day. I didn't want my Giants game to suck, so I started dreaming. Around this time I became a Gamer Babe on Facebook. These are a great group of ladies (and some men...we call them Gamer Dudes) who also LOVE the Giants. This has been a wonderful group for me...very supportive. They mentioned a Giants-themed suite in a hotel in San Francisco. I started dreaming more. I contacted the lady who is the Gamer Babe contact for the hotel. She gave me a Gamer Babe discount! (I accidentally TMI-ed her and told her all about Tony...that's not why she gave me the discount.) So I booked the Dugout Suite at the Hotel Union Square. They gave me some presents to celebrate my anniversary...2 bottles of wine, some Ghiradelli chocolate, and a t-shirt. They treated us royally. It was awesome!

This began my big dreaming. I decided to upgrade our September 25 tickets. We ended up behind home plate! I forgot to tell you...I went with 2 of my best friends (and fellow Gamer Babes) Shari and my mom. We get our 6 pack of tickets together every year. (I love how I keep changing tense...yep, I noticed.)

This was the night they celebrated their entry into the Wild Card position of the post season. They showed all the partying on the big screen. They won their game! It was so cool. I forgot to tell you...we went to Lefty O'Doul's for lunch (dinner is always at the park). That was a first and a fun time. Before the game started, we walked around the ballpark and checked out the Giants Wall of Fame (or whatever they call it). We got lots of comments on our Gamer Babe shirts (see above picture). It was such an amazing day. I couldn't have asked for more. But wait...there's more!

After spending the night in the awesome Giants suite, we checked out and met Shari's husband, Chris, for lunch. Then we went back to the ballpark and went across the bridge to see the Willie McCovey statue and awards plaques. That was pretty cool. We spent quite a bit of time just enjoying the weather and the water. Right before we went on this walk, we went to McDonald's to get a drink and use the bathroom. This dude/employee of SF Giants was looking at his phone and at us. It was a little weird, but people had been looking at us all day because of our Giants garb. A little bit later, he came up and said that he had a picture to show us. It was of some totally dressed up Giants fans. It was us! He had taken out picture a few months before because of how Giants-up we were. So we took a picture with him, and then a picture of the picture he took of us. It was really weird and funny and totally random. (I don't have those pictures yet.)

After we chilling out at the McCovey statue, we went to the store and then to the Public House to meet other Gamer Babes. While we were there we saw Robbie Thompson (I probably spelled his name wrong.) Then Mike LaCoss came and joined us. He's a friend of the main Gamer Babe. We got our picture with him, and I made my mom run over to the store and buy me a baseball...so I could get an autograph as well. We got to talk to him and the Gamer Babes until the gates opened for the game. It was so cool. I got to thank the main Gamer Babe for her group. I told her that it had come at the perfect moment for me. (She knew what the day was for me...my anniversary.) In case you didn't know, Mike LaCoss was a pitcher for the Giants. He was in the '89 World Series...I didn't tell him that I was an A's fan at that time.

Now we are at our 2nd Giants game in a row. We got seats in the Arcade. When we got there we realized that we were directly above the Ks that get turned over during the game. We tried to reach them, but we were too short. The Ks kept getting closer and closer. We asked some other people to turn it over for us, but they left. The next K was going to be Shari's...and the game ended! Whew! After the game, the people next to us pulled up a K to take a picture with it. So we asked to do the same after them. They kindly took our picture for us. Sadly the Giants lost this game. That was the only downer during the entire trip. Everything else was absolutely perfect. I know a bunch of you were praying. I found it amusing that there was probably people praying for the Giants to win just so I'd have a nice trip. Thanks friends.

So...I chose joy this entire trip. I chose not to have any sad or negative thoughts. I enjoyed every moment. I enjoyed hearing Tony's favorite songs. I enjoyed hearing "our" song...one of them. I enjoyed thinking of Tony. I chose joy.                                            JOY


P.S. Here's the morbid Brignolio humor...turn away now if it will offend you.

Tony made everything a contest, so I said, "I made it to my 22nd Anniversary! Tony didn't, but I did. I win!"

My trip to the ER

So it all began before most people realize, before I realized. I set myself up for pain. Tuesday Julia and I were headed down with friends to attend an concert band have some fun. So it all began on Monday. 

I recently signed up for a gym membership. I am at the heaviest I have ever been...by far. So being a newbie at the gym, I signed up to get trained. I figured I might need to know how to use the equipment. So I chose Monday to get trained. Genius. It wouldn't have been so bad if I hadn't seriously pushed it to prove something (I don't know who I was proving it to or what I was trying to prove). I so totally overdid it that my legs just shook just walking, and it hurt to hold my own weight. My abs were sore, too, but not as bad as my legs.

So Tuesday comes around, and I hurt so much that all I want to do is stay home and sleep. But it was time to go on an adventure. It was a nice day for traveling. We had fun, but it hurt every time I got out of the car. We were in an SUV, so it was a drop to get to the ground. I felt it every time. Still my traveling companions were awesome. 

On Wednesday we went to Universal Studios. It was super hot. I tried to drink water. It was super hot. Did I mention that? My body hurt so much that I couldn't hear the rest of my body telling me to cool down and drink more water. It was a fun day. 

On Thursday, I chilled all day trying to build up strength for the concert that night. The whole reason for the trip was the One Direction concert. It was an early birthday present for Julia. Even better was that 5 Seconds of Summer was opening for them. Even better was that I got a huge telephoto lens for my iPhone! It was awesome, but super hot. I once again triednto drink water, but I forgot. It was my fault. We had a great time until the last song when I decided I was going to be sick. It went downhill from there. See? Everything was great until I got sick. 

Then it went from yucky to terrible. I called for an ambulance. Went to the hospital. Got lots of shots, CT scan, xrays, hydration stuff, pain meds. Then they sent me home. An hour after I got back to a hotel, I was tossing my cookies again, but there weren't any cookies. After a few hours, they told me I had to go back to the hospital. They did more tests and more hydration. I spent the night. Julia and the awesome family we came down with left after I returned to the hospital. My friend, Dawn Marie, came to the hospital to be with me. Then my Uncle Craig. Then, finally my family arrived (mom, dad, and Jeremiah). I stayed in the hospital most of this day as well. I tried to convince them to give me some info. When we got to 4pm and nothing, I started getting mouthy. I started using words like "release me" and "let me sign myself out." When the nurser started talking in circles again about when I could be released, I used words like "how long" and "one hour or 30 minutes, how about 15 minutes." I began to realize that a lot of my an pain was from the bed. I got a bit ticked. The doctor finally came in to tell me my results...nothing wrong...should stay the night...more blooodwork in the morning... I said "NO!" I want to go home. He asked if I had eaten anything. I said no, the hospital hadn't fed me yet today. That's another sore spot. So he says he will send me home when I have eaten something. He leaves. My nurse eventually comes back in and says that he has started my release paperwork. I wanted to kiss him. But I stunk and was really yucky. So 20 minutes later I am finally released!!!!!

We ended up going to Uncle Craig's house for bread and water for me and real food for everyone else. Then we slept. The next morning we headed home! We made it home!!!! I survived. I learned a lesson. And now I just finished eating my first meal in 4 1/2 days!!

So there's my saga. Awesome, huh? So what did I learn? I will let you know some other time...maybe. 

Mixed Emotions

I really want to write about my Alaskan Family Reunion (Wacky Monkey) Cruise. But it's been really hard because I have such mixed emotions. I want to write about meeting one of Tony's friends, but it's hard because I have such mixed emotions. I want to write about speaking to the Youth Group, but it makes me kinda uncomfortable. (You thought I was going to say "mixed emotions" didn't you?)  I want to write about the Father Daughter Dance, but it's hard because I have such mixed emotions. I want to tell you about my plans for my upcoming anniversary....but...I have such mixed emotions.

There are so many good things about life. I want to shout it out so everyone can hear. Then I turn to tell Tony....and all of a sudden, I'm not so happy...the water works begin. (Have I told you recently how much I HATE crying?)

The Hard Things
1. The Cruise
I have only been on cruises with Tony. This cruise was on our (his) bucket list.

2. Ty Gagnon
This was one of Tony's most recent friends. He coached with Tony during fall ball. He was there when Tony collapsed. I just recently learned that he was the one who saw Tony, and told someone to call 911.

3. Youth Group
I wanted to talk about Friends and Friendship, but I got interrupted by God. I talked about depression and suicide. (not too hard, see, just a little uncomfortable)

4. Father Daughter Dance
I kept remembering Tony at the last one. I had to watch my daughter attend with her brother (awesome, I know, but painful).

5. 22nd Anniversary
I was so looking forward to my 25th. Ask me about this one. I have many things planned. If you can think of something to keep my mind off the anniversary thing, let me know.

The Awesome Things
1. My family is crazy weird. It's so cool. We laughed a lot. We shopped tons. It was awesome. Our room had a balcony, so we could see the ocean, the glaciers, whales, jellyfish, salmon...it was gorgeous. They had the most delicious dessert ever. Yummy. It was so good.

2. Tony's coach friend, Chris Jacot (he's my friend too), his wife (Cheryl), Linda Taylor (another of Tony's coach friend's wife), and I went to a Modesto Nuts game. Ty ended up pitching while we were there. It was really fun. Linda won a prize! We got to talk to Ty after the game. I gave him a hug (he gave me his hand for a hand shake, I gave him that, then a hug), and told him that I was thankful that he was there for Tony. I also got to meet Ty's mom and sister. It was a fun night.

3. I have experienced deep depression. I have actually made the decision to kill myself, but God intervened. I have some survivor's guilt about that. Not so much now that Tony is gone. I understand why I needed to live. I talked to the kids about the levels of depression. I told them about the lies they will hear that won't help. I told them steps to do to try to not reach the actually suicide decision time. It was good. I told them that if they didn't have someone in the world to talk to, I would be that person. Then I gave out my cell number. But I told them I only text. Of course, I got a million texts and a phone call. They are so cute.

4. The kids made matching shirts. We bought black t-shirts. We used a bleach pen on them and drew on ties. Jeremiah had a solid tie, and Julia had a striped tie. They looked adorable. I asked them to do one dance. They humored me. They stood facing each other, staring down at their own personal electronic devices while people danced near them. They are sooooo cute. They also sent me a selfie, so I had proof they were on the dance floor. I love them.

5. Most of the good stuff centers around the Giants. After a cry-y day today, I don't really want to talk about it. Feel free to ask me. I get animated when talking about the Giants. I love them, too.


So there you have it. Many topics, many mixed emotions. I'm trying to choose joy; however I also try to sleep 24/7 right now. I also try not to cry. Most of these are not working too well. You can look through the "Awesome Things" list to see the ways I'm using to choose joy.                      JOY

The 6 Month Wait for the Autopsy

I'm not sure which is better...waiting for the results from Tony's autopsy or receiving them.  The instinctual answer is receiving the results is definitely better. However, now it is DONE.

So the "pros" of being in the waiting part...I can get angry at someone I have never met and never will (and he has no idea how angry I am). Being angry is less painful than thinking about the finality of death. I can get angry at something that is completely beyond my control. 

The "cons" of the waiting...I begin to doubt. I fear the worst (they lost his body parts, they messed up). I don't have closure. I'm waiting, and waiting sucks. I think of all the worst-case scenarios. 

Now the "pros" of knowing...it's done. I don't have to wait for that part of life anymore. 

And the "cons" of knowing...being hit with the absolute finality of that part of my life. There is no going back. My dreams of my future are absolutely gone. Now begins the waiting game with the settlement (if there will be one). Now I have to start the waiting to see if the insurance company will admit they were wrong (because they were). I would love an apology, but I know I won't receive one. 

How have I been choosing joy recently? Thanks for asking. I'm moving on with my life. I'm hanging with Tony's coach friends (my friends too). I'm talking to fellow widows...little known fact, most widows I know hate the word "widow." I'm talking about Tony. I'm remembering Tony. I'm watching and talking baseball. I'm enjoying the gorgeous full moon. I'm finding humor in weird places. So there you have it. Life sucks, but I'm trying to see the non-sucky parts. Choosing joy...sometimes.                                   JOY


Oops! I forgot to tell you the results...he died from a heart attack. It says it in huge ginormous words. It also says that his brain was donated to the Mayo Clinic. I think that's cool. He will help in the education and learning of concussions. FYI, he was an organ donor, but because of the way he died he ewasnt able to donate. Now his brain has been donated, and he will hopefully be able to help others. There's some joy. 

Reader's Choice

I have so many things to write about. My brain is going wild. I have too many topics, so I would like help. Please choose what topic interests you, so I can begin writing again. Having too many topics is making it hard to write. Of course, the depression doesn't help. If you have questions or things you are curious about, you can add that, too. 

1. The pros and cons of taking a cruise that was on your deceased husband's bucket list. 
2. Anger vs. Depression in the world of grief. 
3. 6 months and no autopsy result. 
4. Acceptance and Bargaining in grief world. 
5. Joy's clubs she's created to make it easier (funnier?). 

Yay! I wrote something! Now please help me out and vote. Or submit a question. Or whatever. Choose joy!                             JOY

Depression

Almost as soon as Tony died, I began researching the stages of grief. I decided that I wanted to be prepared. This time (as opposed to when my daughter, Rose, died), I was going to grieve on my time. A bit arrogant, I realize. I saw that there would be anger. I was terrified of that one. I said, "I will do anything but not anger." Then I saw that there would be depression. Then I said, "I will do anything including anger but not depression."

I have suffered from depression for many years...also anxiety. This is a chemical imbalance in me. I have tried the reading the Bible, praying, and relying on God. I have done the medications. I still have random moments of complete panic, that I cannot talk myself out of. This is just to let you know, that I KNOW depression, and I don't like it.

So depression creeped up on me. I was amazed how different "grief depression" was for me than my "regular depression." It's a bit hard to explain. "Regular depression" for me is "just" wanting to sleep, feeling hopeless (knowing that usually it will eventually go away), etc. I can escape it during the day when hanging out with friends. "Grief depression" was so much deeper. I wanted to sleep. I couldn't escape it even when I was with friends. I could kinda laugh, but the depression and heaviness was still there. I cried incessantly. I was afraid to hope...I didn't want to hope...I tried hard not to hope. I eventually figured it out with my therapist/counselor/friend. We decided that hope was my new 4-letter word (h***)...I enjoyed that...and actually laughed...first time in a few days/weeks. I was afraid to hope because the last big thing I hoped for (Tony's healing) was taken away from me...suddenly...painfully...beyond my imaginings. I did not want to hope for anything else ever again. Hope hurts. If you hope for it, God may take it away. (That's what I was thinking.)

What helped me deal with anger was that I could break things when I felt like it. I could hit things when I needed to. As long as I didn't hurt anyone or anything (other than things I purchased for the purpose of breaking), I could use this to help with my anger. It worked.

We worked on what would help with the depression. I didn't think there would be anything. My therapist/counselor/friend and I talked it through. I decided that I would "challenge" my hopes...possibly even "challenging" God with my hopes. I would write down all my hopes, and then I could say, "There, God, these are my hopes. Go ahead and take them." Of course, this was not said in the humble, obedient way. I did this in the "I dare you" way. It might be wrong, but it helped me. I have been able to let my hopes go. I didn't mean for it to be a good thing, but then God is good. Since that day, I have felt a relief. I can laugh. I can be happy. I don't feel like sleeping constantly (when I say sleep, I mean hibernate). I still kinda want to cry suddenly without warning. (That sucks.) I still don't have much confidence in my hopes. I am still afraid to have them. I have a few big ones that I have told God about, but that's it.

So what's next? Which step of grief will I encounter next? I am still not over the anger. I still want to hit things and break things. I don't know about the depression. It's been a few days without the deep stuff. I hope that lasts.

Choosing joy...during the "grief depression", this was impossible...not exaggerating. I would try to choose joy...not really....there was not choosing...there was just sleep and crying... The last few days I have been trying to choose joy in the small everyday things...creating things at work...prepping for vacation...enjoying my kids...  So there it is. Choose joy except when you're depressed (just kidding).                                             JOY