My New Life Motto (to go along with my new life)

I recently wrote on facebook that my new life motto is...If I have to live, then I want to laugh. This new motto just popped out of my mouth when I was with my personal trainer at the gym. (I have a personal trainer because I have no idea how to get into shape, and I have no idea how to use the machines.) We were talking about my road trip with the kids. I'll tell you about that in a little bit. She said that she was amazed at how much she laughs when she is with me...especially considering the fact that I am a recent widow. Then these infamous words popped out. The more I thought about them, the more I thought about how accurate they are. I am not really fond of living. I choose to live because I have two wonderful birth children who need me. I also have tons of other kids whom I love and would not want them to have to go through another death. There's other reasons why I choose to live, quite a few actually, but these are the top 2. Okay, fine...number 3 is for my family and friends...I wouldn't want to put another death on them either...

Laughing has become a major way of life for me. I've always liked to laugh, but I laughed most when I was with Tony. I liked to make people laugh, but I had limits as to what I would do. The new me LOVES to laugh. The new me NEEDS to laugh. I now do crazy things so I can laugh...especially if it will give me a fun memory. There's more to this, but I will wait until later to tell you what kind of crazy I have now done. I have noticed that I have changed...and not just a little...I am a new person...I'm not quite sure what I feel about that. One of the things that happened right after Tony died, was that my kids noticed where they missed their dad. It was the things he laughed at. It was the things he did to make them laugh. It was the things he did to make them feel special. They each asked me to allow them to say the "dad" things to me and try to have a "dad" reaction to them. It was hard at first. Now I realize that the new me does that. I have noticed that I say things that Tony would say because no one is there to say it. It just pops out. Half the time I will apologize for it, but the kids find it funny. I am finding that living this way is much less stressful...weird...who would have thought... Now I am doing things that Tony might have done...it just happens...or I just can't see a reason not to do it...to make people laugh...to cross something off the bucket list (mine or Tony's)...to just be able to laugh. I am enjoying those moments. I am enjoying those memories. I am amazed at my changes...sometimes I don't recognize myself.

Now, on to the road trip stories. I know you've been waiting anxiously for them. The trip originated with Jeremiah getting two tickets to see Craig Ferguson. Do not watch him just because I mentioned him. He has a filthy mouth and a raunchy sense of humor. He also has a "Brignolio" sense of humor. I accidently started my family watching him when one of my favorite bands was on his show. Tony loved the humor and started watching. He couldn't wait for the day when he was good enough (health-wise) to go see his show in person. Anyway, Jeremiah invited me to have his second ticket. I said, "YES!!!!! I mean, sure, honey, I will go along with you on a road trip." He admitted later that he invited me because he didn't have the money. I told him I knew that, but I wasn't going to give up an excuse to go on a trip my son invited me on. So that's how it began.

My son likes to do road trips differently than I do. If he sees something during the trip that intrigues him, he stops and checks it out. I now enjoy this way of travelling.We found many new and unusual things...things that others are curious about and never know what it is... It was pretty awesome. There's a western place at the Kettleman City exit on I5 that has a cute playground complete with old building facades with stairs and slides in them. This is a fun little stop. We found a random island that has a weird bridge connecting to it. We couldn't go on it...but we tried...we pretended we were just tourists taking pictures... Universal Studios is really where the crazy started. There's this video on youtube where  2 dudes connect hands going opposite ways on an escalator. Jeremiah said I should do this. I said, "You do it." So he did. He even looked into the other person's eyes as he did it. Then he said it was my turn.......oops.....what did I get myself into? So the first one (yes, first one) was a kids who had his hand out hanging over the edge. I reached out and grabbed his fingers. I couldn't look at him after that. After a few moments, I found it hilarious. Jeremiah enjoyed it. The next time I put my hand over on their hand rail...the lady gave me a weird look...then moved her hand...before she got to my hand. That was fun. And the final one (dun, dun, dun) was a bit unnverving. I slid my hand up this ladies hand...but I got my hand stuck in her bracelet...not planned...I was afraid she was going to think I was stealing her bracelet...... It was awesome...not...but I did find it hilarious...later. We also photo bombed as much as possible. We got sprayed with water on tons of rides (if you are Jeremiah, you got sprayed in the mouth every single time). We hung out with friends. We took selfies with famous people (in the wax museum). We took ridiculous pictures with celebs (in the wax museum). Then we drove north the get Julia and headed to Monterrey. The aquarium was really crowded, but the surrey was fun (it wasn't but I'm trying to be positive for the kids). We got retro candy. We went to the beach. We "accidently" walked through a photo shoot at the beach. Julia froze a wet wash cloth, and then stuck in on Jeremiah. They froze a block of ice and then threw it off the second floor of the hotel while they filmed it. This is the short version. We had a great time. We laughed. I realized I was different. I realized that I kinda liked the new me. I realized that my kids liked the new me.

Anyway...how did I choose joy? I chose joy when I allowed us to go driving without definitive plans and no reservations. I chose joy when I chose to do funny, stupid things. I chose joy when I didn't make us stay at the aquarium all day because "I spent so much money that we are going to enjoy ourselves until we have used up every ounce of the time." I chose joy when I rented a surrey even though I remembered how much I hate them. I chose joy by being flexible. I chose joy by finding things to laugh about and at.                              JOY

Uncomfortable Blog

I have no idea what I really want to write about. Well, I do...but I am not too keen on posting it. Julia reminded me that I can write it but not publish it. 

The SF Giants just made it to the World Series. I should be happy, but I'm sad. Am I sad or just feeling sad because of all the yucky stuff that's happening?

I've been coming up with tons of horrendous halloween costumes...really they are Brignolio humor awesome...pregnant lady, grim reaper, Jony (half Tony/half Joy), Mrs. Claus, disco king with my own disco ball balloon and leisure suit....I could go on.....

The real thing I'm struggling with is that I'm missing Tony in a physical sense. Watch out...this may be PG-13. I am now pretending that no one will be reading this. I don't talk about this kind of stuff. I only started talking about this stuff when I realized that my kids will hear it from somebody, and I'd rather it be me that they hear it from. Really all I'm craving is a long, non-safe-place hug (for all of you not working in the Children's Department at BNC, a safe place hug is a one-armed side hug) and possible a toe-curling kiss. I know me though. If a kiss can make my toes curl, I would probably want more (I've been married...I've enjoyed what comes next.) I wouldn't do anything about it, but my brain would focus on it for a long time. It would make it so much worse and so uncomfortable to be in my brain. So it's not going to happen. I sarcastically thought about putting an ad out for a dude who would give me a no-strings-attached long hug and fab kiss. The requirements would be a man not related to me, nowhere close to my son's age, not married or dating, cute would be a bonus, undecided about facial hair, taller than me (should be easy), not smelly...that's as far as I made it on the requirements. If you would like to apply for the job, feel free to text me at 925-628-NotHappening. I would really prefer someone who looks like Tony, acts like Tony, smells like Tony.....is Tony. Anything else is a bit creepy (I was going to say nasty, but that made me feel a bit uncomfortable...having been married to Tony...it would have been accompanied by a snicker). But this craving is causing this massive ache inside. My heart just hurts so much. I start crying as I write this because the ache is so strong, so painful. I have taken moments to hang out with guys just so I can remember what it was like to be around my man. I still love my man ferociously, so anyone else is just yucky physically. I begin to wonder if I will ever feel loved again, if someone will look at me with that complete love and adoration in their eyes. I have had the ultimate dream, a man who thought I was pretty, who loved me when I didn't love myself, who looked out for me, who tried to fix all things for me... Will I ever get to feel this again? Do I want to feel this again? It obviously won't be Tony, so I don't know if I even want it. I want to be loved, but I want to be loved by Tony.

This is definitely the hardest blog I have written. The others may have been yucky or painful, but this one has me sobbing. I'm hoping that by writing it, I will be able to move on. That has been the pattern from the past. So here's hoping that I will be able to give up this craving. That it will be subdued. Life was not always good with Tony. We had many terrible years, but the last ones we finally made it to heaven on earth (if you ignore watching your husband deteriorate mentally and physically).

So, how have I chosen joy? I haven't really. I don't have enough energy to fight for joy. I have woken up each day, eaten at least one meal each day, and fought hard to find things funny (sometimes hilariously funny) (sometimes inappropriately funny...sorry to those who I was inappropriate with...with my words), worked out at the gym, hung out with my kids (have I said lately how awesome my kids are?), tried to enjoy the Giants games....... So, I guess, in a weird way, that's as much choosing joy as I can at the moment.

So, there you go. Will I hit the publish button or not? At this moment, I'm not sure. Originally I said no. Now I might just so my brain will shut up. Please don't look at me funny. Don't give me the look. Don't make fun of me...unless I'm in a good mood...I love laughing. That's it.                              JOY

My Anniversary Trip

So first I want to explain why we were married on September 26. It had to do with when the baseball season was. Tony played baseball back then in a semi-pro league. We also were Giants fans. So that meant that we needed to be married in February/March before the season began, end of September between the regular season and post season (it used to be that way), or end of October (and after) when the season was over. We chose September 26 which happened to be a Saturday which also just happened to be exactly a week before my parents' anniversary. There you have it...it all started with baseball.

Last Christmas, I received my customary 6 pack of SF Giants tickets! I love getting this present. We got to go once a month for the entire season! The last ticket of the season was September 25. I joked with Tony that I was going to see the Giants for my anniversary, and he didn't get to go.

With all the other firsts that have happened, I now knew that the days preceding the BIG first are much worse than the actual day. I didn't want my Giants game to suck, so I started dreaming. Around this time I became a Gamer Babe on Facebook. These are a great group of ladies (and some men...we call them Gamer Dudes) who also LOVE the Giants. This has been a wonderful group for me...very supportive. They mentioned a Giants-themed suite in a hotel in San Francisco. I started dreaming more. I contacted the lady who is the Gamer Babe contact for the hotel. She gave me a Gamer Babe discount! (I accidentally TMI-ed her and told her all about Tony...that's not why she gave me the discount.) So I booked the Dugout Suite at the Hotel Union Square. They gave me some presents to celebrate my anniversary...2 bottles of wine, some Ghiradelli chocolate, and a t-shirt. They treated us royally. It was awesome!

This began my big dreaming. I decided to upgrade our September 25 tickets. We ended up behind home plate! I forgot to tell you...I went with 2 of my best friends (and fellow Gamer Babes) Shari and my mom. We get our 6 pack of tickets together every year. (I love how I keep changing tense...yep, I noticed.)

This was the night they celebrated their entry into the Wild Card position of the post season. They showed all the partying on the big screen. They won their game! It was so cool. I forgot to tell you...we went to Lefty O'Doul's for lunch (dinner is always at the park). That was a first and a fun time. Before the game started, we walked around the ballpark and checked out the Giants Wall of Fame (or whatever they call it). We got lots of comments on our Gamer Babe shirts (see above picture). It was such an amazing day. I couldn't have asked for more. But wait...there's more!

After spending the night in the awesome Giants suite, we checked out and met Shari's husband, Chris, for lunch. Then we went back to the ballpark and went across the bridge to see the Willie McCovey statue and awards plaques. That was pretty cool. We spent quite a bit of time just enjoying the weather and the water. Right before we went on this walk, we went to McDonald's to get a drink and use the bathroom. This dude/employee of SF Giants was looking at his phone and at us. It was a little weird, but people had been looking at us all day because of our Giants garb. A little bit later, he came up and said that he had a picture to show us. It was of some totally dressed up Giants fans. It was us! He had taken out picture a few months before because of how Giants-up we were. So we took a picture with him, and then a picture of the picture he took of us. It was really weird and funny and totally random. (I don't have those pictures yet.)

After we chilling out at the McCovey statue, we went to the store and then to the Public House to meet other Gamer Babes. While we were there we saw Robbie Thompson (I probably spelled his name wrong.) Then Mike LaCoss came and joined us. He's a friend of the main Gamer Babe. We got our picture with him, and I made my mom run over to the store and buy me a baseball...so I could get an autograph as well. We got to talk to him and the Gamer Babes until the gates opened for the game. It was so cool. I got to thank the main Gamer Babe for her group. I told her that it had come at the perfect moment for me. (She knew what the day was for me...my anniversary.) In case you didn't know, Mike LaCoss was a pitcher for the Giants. He was in the '89 World Series...I didn't tell him that I was an A's fan at that time.

Now we are at our 2nd Giants game in a row. We got seats in the Arcade. When we got there we realized that we were directly above the Ks that get turned over during the game. We tried to reach them, but we were too short. The Ks kept getting closer and closer. We asked some other people to turn it over for us, but they left. The next K was going to be Shari's...and the game ended! Whew! After the game, the people next to us pulled up a K to take a picture with it. So we asked to do the same after them. They kindly took our picture for us. Sadly the Giants lost this game. That was the only downer during the entire trip. Everything else was absolutely perfect. I know a bunch of you were praying. I found it amusing that there was probably people praying for the Giants to win just so I'd have a nice trip. Thanks friends.

So...I chose joy this entire trip. I chose not to have any sad or negative thoughts. I enjoyed every moment. I enjoyed hearing Tony's favorite songs. I enjoyed hearing "our" song...one of them. I enjoyed thinking of Tony. I chose joy.                                            JOY


P.S. Here's the morbid Brignolio humor...turn away now if it will offend you.

Tony made everything a contest, so I said, "I made it to my 22nd Anniversary! Tony didn't, but I did. I win!"

My trip to the ER

So it all began before most people realize, before I realized. I set myself up for pain. Tuesday Julia and I were headed down with friends to attend an concert band have some fun. So it all began on Monday. 

I recently signed up for a gym membership. I am at the heaviest I have ever been...by far. So being a newbie at the gym, I signed up to get trained. I figured I might need to know how to use the equipment. So I chose Monday to get trained. Genius. It wouldn't have been so bad if I hadn't seriously pushed it to prove something (I don't know who I was proving it to or what I was trying to prove). I so totally overdid it that my legs just shook just walking, and it hurt to hold my own weight. My abs were sore, too, but not as bad as my legs.

So Tuesday comes around, and I hurt so much that all I want to do is stay home and sleep. But it was time to go on an adventure. It was a nice day for traveling. We had fun, but it hurt every time I got out of the car. We were in an SUV, so it was a drop to get to the ground. I felt it every time. Still my traveling companions were awesome. 

On Wednesday we went to Universal Studios. It was super hot. I tried to drink water. It was super hot. Did I mention that? My body hurt so much that I couldn't hear the rest of my body telling me to cool down and drink more water. It was a fun day. 

On Thursday, I chilled all day trying to build up strength for the concert that night. The whole reason for the trip was the One Direction concert. It was an early birthday present for Julia. Even better was that 5 Seconds of Summer was opening for them. Even better was that I got a huge telephoto lens for my iPhone! It was awesome, but super hot. I once again triednto drink water, but I forgot. It was my fault. We had a great time until the last song when I decided I was going to be sick. It went downhill from there. See? Everything was great until I got sick. 

Then it went from yucky to terrible. I called for an ambulance. Went to the hospital. Got lots of shots, CT scan, xrays, hydration stuff, pain meds. Then they sent me home. An hour after I got back to a hotel, I was tossing my cookies again, but there weren't any cookies. After a few hours, they told me I had to go back to the hospital. They did more tests and more hydration. I spent the night. Julia and the awesome family we came down with left after I returned to the hospital. My friend, Dawn Marie, came to the hospital to be with me. Then my Uncle Craig. Then, finally my family arrived (mom, dad, and Jeremiah). I stayed in the hospital most of this day as well. I tried to convince them to give me some info. When we got to 4pm and nothing, I started getting mouthy. I started using words like "release me" and "let me sign myself out." When the nurser started talking in circles again about when I could be released, I used words like "how long" and "one hour or 30 minutes, how about 15 minutes." I began to realize that a lot of my an pain was from the bed. I got a bit ticked. The doctor finally came in to tell me my results...nothing wrong...should stay the night...more blooodwork in the morning... I said "NO!" I want to go home. He asked if I had eaten anything. I said no, the hospital hadn't fed me yet today. That's another sore spot. So he says he will send me home when I have eaten something. He leaves. My nurse eventually comes back in and says that he has started my release paperwork. I wanted to kiss him. But I stunk and was really yucky. So 20 minutes later I am finally released!!!!!

We ended up going to Uncle Craig's house for bread and water for me and real food for everyone else. Then we slept. The next morning we headed home! We made it home!!!! I survived. I learned a lesson. And now I just finished eating my first meal in 4 1/2 days!!

So there's my saga. Awesome, huh? So what did I learn? I will let you know some other time...maybe. 

Mixed Emotions

I really want to write about my Alaskan Family Reunion (Wacky Monkey) Cruise. But it's been really hard because I have such mixed emotions. I want to write about meeting one of Tony's friends, but it's hard because I have such mixed emotions. I want to write about speaking to the Youth Group, but it makes me kinda uncomfortable. (You thought I was going to say "mixed emotions" didn't you?)  I want to write about the Father Daughter Dance, but it's hard because I have such mixed emotions. I want to tell you about my plans for my upcoming anniversary....but...I have such mixed emotions.

There are so many good things about life. I want to shout it out so everyone can hear. Then I turn to tell Tony....and all of a sudden, I'm not so happy...the water works begin. (Have I told you recently how much I HATE crying?)

The Hard Things
1. The Cruise
I have only been on cruises with Tony. This cruise was on our (his) bucket list.

2. Ty Gagnon
This was one of Tony's most recent friends. He coached with Tony during fall ball. He was there when Tony collapsed. I just recently learned that he was the one who saw Tony, and told someone to call 911.

3. Youth Group
I wanted to talk about Friends and Friendship, but I got interrupted by God. I talked about depression and suicide. (not too hard, see, just a little uncomfortable)

4. Father Daughter Dance
I kept remembering Tony at the last one. I had to watch my daughter attend with her brother (awesome, I know, but painful).

5. 22nd Anniversary
I was so looking forward to my 25th. Ask me about this one. I have many things planned. If you can think of something to keep my mind off the anniversary thing, let me know.

The Awesome Things
1. My family is crazy weird. It's so cool. We laughed a lot. We shopped tons. It was awesome. Our room had a balcony, so we could see the ocean, the glaciers, whales, jellyfish, salmon...it was gorgeous. They had the most delicious dessert ever. Yummy. It was so good.

2. Tony's coach friend, Chris Jacot (he's my friend too), his wife (Cheryl), Linda Taylor (another of Tony's coach friend's wife), and I went to a Modesto Nuts game. Ty ended up pitching while we were there. It was really fun. Linda won a prize! We got to talk to Ty after the game. I gave him a hug (he gave me his hand for a hand shake, I gave him that, then a hug), and told him that I was thankful that he was there for Tony. I also got to meet Ty's mom and sister. It was a fun night.

3. I have experienced deep depression. I have actually made the decision to kill myself, but God intervened. I have some survivor's guilt about that. Not so much now that Tony is gone. I understand why I needed to live. I talked to the kids about the levels of depression. I told them about the lies they will hear that won't help. I told them steps to do to try to not reach the actually suicide decision time. It was good. I told them that if they didn't have someone in the world to talk to, I would be that person. Then I gave out my cell number. But I told them I only text. Of course, I got a million texts and a phone call. They are so cute.

4. The kids made matching shirts. We bought black t-shirts. We used a bleach pen on them and drew on ties. Jeremiah had a solid tie, and Julia had a striped tie. They looked adorable. I asked them to do one dance. They humored me. They stood facing each other, staring down at their own personal electronic devices while people danced near them. They are sooooo cute. They also sent me a selfie, so I had proof they were on the dance floor. I love them.

5. Most of the good stuff centers around the Giants. After a cry-y day today, I don't really want to talk about it. Feel free to ask me. I get animated when talking about the Giants. I love them, too.


So there you have it. Many topics, many mixed emotions. I'm trying to choose joy; however I also try to sleep 24/7 right now. I also try not to cry. Most of these are not working too well. You can look through the "Awesome Things" list to see the ways I'm using to choose joy.                      JOY

The 6 Month Wait for the Autopsy

I'm not sure which is better...waiting for the results from Tony's autopsy or receiving them.  The instinctual answer is receiving the results is definitely better. However, now it is DONE.

So the "pros" of being in the waiting part...I can get angry at someone I have never met and never will (and he has no idea how angry I am). Being angry is less painful than thinking about the finality of death. I can get angry at something that is completely beyond my control. 

The "cons" of the waiting...I begin to doubt. I fear the worst (they lost his body parts, they messed up). I don't have closure. I'm waiting, and waiting sucks. I think of all the worst-case scenarios. 

Now the "pros" of knowing...it's done. I don't have to wait for that part of life anymore. 

And the "cons" of knowing...being hit with the absolute finality of that part of my life. There is no going back. My dreams of my future are absolutely gone. Now begins the waiting game with the settlement (if there will be one). Now I have to start the waiting to see if the insurance company will admit they were wrong (because they were). I would love an apology, but I know I won't receive one. 

How have I been choosing joy recently? Thanks for asking. I'm moving on with my life. I'm hanging with Tony's coach friends (my friends too). I'm talking to fellow widows...little known fact, most widows I know hate the word "widow." I'm talking about Tony. I'm remembering Tony. I'm watching and talking baseball. I'm enjoying the gorgeous full moon. I'm finding humor in weird places. So there you have it. Life sucks, but I'm trying to see the non-sucky parts. Choosing joy...sometimes.                                   JOY


Oops! I forgot to tell you the results...he died from a heart attack. It says it in huge ginormous words. It also says that his brain was donated to the Mayo Clinic. I think that's cool. He will help in the education and learning of concussions. FYI, he was an organ donor, but because of the way he died he ewasnt able to donate. Now his brain has been donated, and he will hopefully be able to help others. There's some joy. 

Reader's Choice

I have so many things to write about. My brain is going wild. I have too many topics, so I would like help. Please choose what topic interests you, so I can begin writing again. Having too many topics is making it hard to write. Of course, the depression doesn't help. If you have questions or things you are curious about, you can add that, too. 

1. The pros and cons of taking a cruise that was on your deceased husband's bucket list. 
2. Anger vs. Depression in the world of grief. 
3. 6 months and no autopsy result. 
4. Acceptance and Bargaining in grief world. 
5. Joy's clubs she's created to make it easier (funnier?). 

Yay! I wrote something! Now please help me out and vote. Or submit a question. Or whatever. Choose joy!                             JOY