So it all began before most people realize, before I realized. I set myself up for pain. Tuesday Julia and I were headed down with friends to attend an concert band have some fun. So it all began on Monday.
I recently signed up for a gym membership. I am at the heaviest I have ever been...by far. So being a newbie at the gym, I signed up to get trained. I figured I might need to know how to use the equipment. So I chose Monday to get trained. Genius. It wouldn't have been so bad if I hadn't seriously pushed it to prove something (I don't know who I was proving it to or what I was trying to prove). I so totally overdid it that my legs just shook just walking, and it hurt to hold my own weight. My abs were sore, too, but not as bad as my legs.
So Tuesday comes around, and I hurt so much that all I want to do is stay home and sleep. But it was time to go on an adventure. It was a nice day for traveling. We had fun, but it hurt every time I got out of the car. We were in an SUV, so it was a drop to get to the ground. I felt it every time. Still my traveling companions were awesome.
On Wednesday we went to Universal Studios. It was super hot. I tried to drink water. It was super hot. Did I mention that? My body hurt so much that I couldn't hear the rest of my body telling me to cool down and drink more water. It was a fun day.
On Thursday, I chilled all day trying to build up strength for the concert that night. The whole reason for the trip was the One Direction concert. It was an early birthday present for Julia. Even better was that 5 Seconds of Summer was opening for them. Even better was that I got a huge telephoto lens for my iPhone! It was awesome, but super hot. I once again triednto drink water, but I forgot. It was my fault. We had a great time until the last song when I decided I was going to be sick. It went downhill from there. See? Everything was great until I got sick.
Then it went from yucky to terrible. I called for an ambulance. Went to the hospital. Got lots of shots, CT scan, xrays, hydration stuff, pain meds. Then they sent me home. An hour after I got back to a hotel, I was tossing my cookies again, but there weren't any cookies. After a few hours, they told me I had to go back to the hospital. They did more tests and more hydration. I spent the night. Julia and the awesome family we came down with left after I returned to the hospital. My friend, Dawn Marie, came to the hospital to be with me. Then my Uncle Craig. Then, finally my family arrived (mom, dad, and Jeremiah). I stayed in the hospital most of this day as well. I tried to convince them to give me some info. When we got to 4pm and nothing, I started getting mouthy. I started using words like "release me" and "let me sign myself out." When the nurser started talking in circles again about when I could be released, I used words like "how long" and "one hour or 30 minutes, how about 15 minutes." I began to realize that a lot of my an pain was from the bed. I got a bit ticked. The doctor finally came in to tell me my results...nothing wrong...should stay the night...more blooodwork in the morning... I said "NO!" I want to go home. He asked if I had eaten anything. I said no, the hospital hadn't fed me yet today. That's another sore spot. So he says he will send me home when I have eaten something. He leaves. My nurse eventually comes back in and says that he has started my release paperwork. I wanted to kiss him. But I stunk and was really yucky. So 20 minutes later I am finally released!!!!!
We ended up going to Uncle Craig's house for bread and water for me and real food for everyone else. Then we slept. The next morning we headed home! We made it home!!!! I survived. I learned a lesson. And now I just finished eating my first meal in 4 1/2 days!!
So there's my saga. Awesome, huh? So what did I learn? I will let you know some other time...maybe.
Tuesday, September 16, 2014
Monday, August 25, 2014
Mixed Emotions
I really want to write about my Alaskan Family Reunion (Wacky Monkey) Cruise. But it's been really hard because I have such mixed emotions. I want to write about meeting one of Tony's friends, but it's hard because I have such mixed emotions. I want to write about speaking to the Youth Group, but it makes me kinda uncomfortable. (You thought I was going to say "mixed emotions" didn't you?) I want to write about the Father Daughter Dance, but it's hard because I have such mixed emotions. I want to tell you about my plans for my upcoming anniversary....but...I have such mixed emotions.
There are so many good things about life. I want to shout it out so everyone can hear. Then I turn to tell Tony....and all of a sudden, I'm not so happy...the water works begin. (Have I told you recently how much I HATE crying?)
The Hard Things
1. The Cruise
I have only been on cruises with Tony. This cruise was on our (his) bucket list.
2. Ty Gagnon
This was one of Tony's most recent friends. He coached with Tony during fall ball. He was there when Tony collapsed. I just recently learned that he was the one who saw Tony, and told someone to call 911.
3. Youth Group
I wanted to talk about Friends and Friendship, but I got interrupted by God. I talked about depression and suicide. (not too hard, see, just a little uncomfortable)
4. Father Daughter Dance
I kept remembering Tony at the last one. I had to watch my daughter attend with her brother (awesome, I know, but painful).
5. 22nd Anniversary
I was so looking forward to my 25th. Ask me about this one. I have many things planned. If you can think of something to keep my mind off the anniversary thing, let me know.
The Awesome Things
1. My family is crazy weird. It's so cool. We laughed a lot. We shopped tons. It was awesome. Our room had a balcony, so we could see the ocean, the glaciers, whales, jellyfish, salmon...it was gorgeous. They had the most delicious dessert ever. Yummy. It was so good.
2. Tony's coach friend, Chris Jacot (he's my friend too), his wife (Cheryl), Linda Taylor (another of Tony's coach friend's wife), and I went to a Modesto Nuts game. Ty ended up pitching while we were there. It was really fun. Linda won a prize! We got to talk to Ty after the game. I gave him a hug (he gave me his hand for a hand shake, I gave him that, then a hug), and told him that I was thankful that he was there for Tony. I also got to meet Ty's mom and sister. It was a fun night.
3. I have experienced deep depression. I have actually made the decision to kill myself, but God intervened. I have some survivor's guilt about that. Not so much now that Tony is gone. I understand why I needed to live. I talked to the kids about the levels of depression. I told them about the lies they will hear that won't help. I told them steps to do to try to not reach the actually suicide decision time. It was good. I told them that if they didn't have someone in the world to talk to, I would be that person. Then I gave out my cell number. But I told them I only text. Of course, I got a million texts and a phone call. They are so cute.
4. The kids made matching shirts. We bought black t-shirts. We used a bleach pen on them and drew on ties. Jeremiah had a solid tie, and Julia had a striped tie. They looked adorable. I asked them to do one dance. They humored me. They stood facing each other, staring down at their own personal electronic devices while people danced near them. They are sooooo cute. They also sent me a selfie, so I had proof they were on the dance floor. I love them.
5. Most of the good stuff centers around the Giants. After a cry-y day today, I don't really want to talk about it. Feel free to ask me. I get animated when talking about the Giants. I love them, too.
So there you have it. Many topics, many mixed emotions. I'm trying to choose joy; however I also try to sleep 24/7 right now. I also try not to cry. Most of these are not working too well. You can look through the "Awesome Things" list to see the ways I'm using to choose joy. JOY
There are so many good things about life. I want to shout it out so everyone can hear. Then I turn to tell Tony....and all of a sudden, I'm not so happy...the water works begin. (Have I told you recently how much I HATE crying?)
The Hard Things
1. The Cruise
I have only been on cruises with Tony. This cruise was on our (his) bucket list.
2. Ty Gagnon
This was one of Tony's most recent friends. He coached with Tony during fall ball. He was there when Tony collapsed. I just recently learned that he was the one who saw Tony, and told someone to call 911.
3. Youth Group
I wanted to talk about Friends and Friendship, but I got interrupted by God. I talked about depression and suicide. (not too hard, see, just a little uncomfortable)
4. Father Daughter Dance
I kept remembering Tony at the last one. I had to watch my daughter attend with her brother (awesome, I know, but painful).
5. 22nd Anniversary
I was so looking forward to my 25th. Ask me about this one. I have many things planned. If you can think of something to keep my mind off the anniversary thing, let me know.
The Awesome Things
1. My family is crazy weird. It's so cool. We laughed a lot. We shopped tons. It was awesome. Our room had a balcony, so we could see the ocean, the glaciers, whales, jellyfish, salmon...it was gorgeous. They had the most delicious dessert ever. Yummy. It was so good.
2. Tony's coach friend, Chris Jacot (he's my friend too), his wife (Cheryl), Linda Taylor (another of Tony's coach friend's wife), and I went to a Modesto Nuts game. Ty ended up pitching while we were there. It was really fun. Linda won a prize! We got to talk to Ty after the game. I gave him a hug (he gave me his hand for a hand shake, I gave him that, then a hug), and told him that I was thankful that he was there for Tony. I also got to meet Ty's mom and sister. It was a fun night.
3. I have experienced deep depression. I have actually made the decision to kill myself, but God intervened. I have some survivor's guilt about that. Not so much now that Tony is gone. I understand why I needed to live. I talked to the kids about the levels of depression. I told them about the lies they will hear that won't help. I told them steps to do to try to not reach the actually suicide decision time. It was good. I told them that if they didn't have someone in the world to talk to, I would be that person. Then I gave out my cell number. But I told them I only text. Of course, I got a million texts and a phone call. They are so cute.
4. The kids made matching shirts. We bought black t-shirts. We used a bleach pen on them and drew on ties. Jeremiah had a solid tie, and Julia had a striped tie. They looked adorable. I asked them to do one dance. They humored me. They stood facing each other, staring down at their own personal electronic devices while people danced near them. They are sooooo cute. They also sent me a selfie, so I had proof they were on the dance floor. I love them.
5. Most of the good stuff centers around the Giants. After a cry-y day today, I don't really want to talk about it. Feel free to ask me. I get animated when talking about the Giants. I love them, too.
So there you have it. Many topics, many mixed emotions. I'm trying to choose joy; however I also try to sleep 24/7 right now. I also try not to cry. Most of these are not working too well. You can look through the "Awesome Things" list to see the ways I'm using to choose joy. JOY
Sunday, August 10, 2014
The 6 Month Wait for the Autopsy
I'm not sure which is better...waiting for the results from Tony's autopsy or receiving them. The instinctual answer is receiving the results is definitely better. However, now it is DONE.
So the "pros" of being in the waiting part...I can get angry at someone I have never met and never will (and he has no idea how angry I am). Being angry is less painful than thinking about the finality of death. I can get angry at something that is completely beyond my control.
The "cons" of the waiting...I begin to doubt. I fear the worst (they lost his body parts, they messed up). I don't have closure. I'm waiting, and waiting sucks. I think of all the worst-case scenarios.
Now the "pros" of knowing...it's done. I don't have to wait for that part of life anymore.
And the "cons" of knowing...being hit with the absolute finality of that part of my life. There is no going back. My dreams of my future are absolutely gone. Now begins the waiting game with the settlement (if there will be one). Now I have to start the waiting to see if the insurance company will admit they were wrong (because they were). I would love an apology, but I know I won't receive one.
How have I been choosing joy recently? Thanks for asking. I'm moving on with my life. I'm hanging with Tony's coach friends (my friends too). I'm talking to fellow widows...little known fact, most widows I know hate the word "widow." I'm talking about Tony. I'm remembering Tony. I'm watching and talking baseball. I'm enjoying the gorgeous full moon. I'm finding humor in weird places. So there you have it. Life sucks, but I'm trying to see the non-sucky parts. Choosing joy...sometimes. JOY
Oops! I forgot to tell you the results...he died from a heart attack. It says it in huge ginormous words. It also says that his brain was donated to the Mayo Clinic. I think that's cool. He will help in the education and learning of concussions. FYI, he was an organ donor, but because of the way he died he ewasnt able to donate. Now his brain has been donated, and he will hopefully be able to help others. There's some joy.
So the "pros" of being in the waiting part...I can get angry at someone I have never met and never will (and he has no idea how angry I am). Being angry is less painful than thinking about the finality of death. I can get angry at something that is completely beyond my control.
The "cons" of the waiting...I begin to doubt. I fear the worst (they lost his body parts, they messed up). I don't have closure. I'm waiting, and waiting sucks. I think of all the worst-case scenarios.
Now the "pros" of knowing...it's done. I don't have to wait for that part of life anymore.
And the "cons" of knowing...being hit with the absolute finality of that part of my life. There is no going back. My dreams of my future are absolutely gone. Now begins the waiting game with the settlement (if there will be one). Now I have to start the waiting to see if the insurance company will admit they were wrong (because they were). I would love an apology, but I know I won't receive one.
How have I been choosing joy recently? Thanks for asking. I'm moving on with my life. I'm hanging with Tony's coach friends (my friends too). I'm talking to fellow widows...little known fact, most widows I know hate the word "widow." I'm talking about Tony. I'm remembering Tony. I'm watching and talking baseball. I'm enjoying the gorgeous full moon. I'm finding humor in weird places. So there you have it. Life sucks, but I'm trying to see the non-sucky parts. Choosing joy...sometimes. JOY
Oops! I forgot to tell you the results...he died from a heart attack. It says it in huge ginormous words. It also says that his brain was donated to the Mayo Clinic. I think that's cool. He will help in the education and learning of concussions. FYI, he was an organ donor, but because of the way he died he ewasnt able to donate. Now his brain has been donated, and he will hopefully be able to help others. There's some joy.
Thursday, August 7, 2014
Reader's Choice
I have so many things to write about. My brain is going wild. I have too many topics, so I would like help. Please choose what topic interests you, so I can begin writing again. Having too many topics is making it hard to write. Of course, the depression doesn't help. If you have questions or things you are curious about, you can add that, too.
1. The pros and cons of taking a cruise that was on your deceased husband's bucket list.
2. Anger vs. Depression in the world of grief.
3. 6 months and no autopsy result.
4. Acceptance and Bargaining in grief world.
5. Joy's clubs she's created to make it easier (funnier?).
Yay! I wrote something! Now please help me out and vote. Or submit a question. Or whatever. Choose joy! JOY
1. The pros and cons of taking a cruise that was on your deceased husband's bucket list.
2. Anger vs. Depression in the world of grief.
3. 6 months and no autopsy result.
4. Acceptance and Bargaining in grief world.
5. Joy's clubs she's created to make it easier (funnier?).
Yay! I wrote something! Now please help me out and vote. Or submit a question. Or whatever. Choose joy! JOY
Monday, July 14, 2014
Depression
Almost as soon as Tony died, I began researching the stages of grief. I decided that I wanted to be prepared. This time (as opposed to when my daughter, Rose, died), I was going to grieve on my time. A bit arrogant, I realize. I saw that there would be anger. I was terrified of that one. I said, "I will do anything but not anger." Then I saw that there would be depression. Then I said, "I will do anything including anger but not depression."
I have suffered from depression for many years...also anxiety. This is a chemical imbalance in me. I have tried the reading the Bible, praying, and relying on God. I have done the medications. I still have random moments of complete panic, that I cannot talk myself out of. This is just to let you know, that I KNOW depression, and I don't like it.
So depression creeped up on me. I was amazed how different "grief depression" was for me than my "regular depression." It's a bit hard to explain. "Regular depression" for me is "just" wanting to sleep, feeling hopeless (knowing that usually it will eventually go away), etc. I can escape it during the day when hanging out with friends. "Grief depression" was so much deeper. I wanted to sleep. I couldn't escape it even when I was with friends. I could kinda laugh, but the depression and heaviness was still there. I cried incessantly. I was afraid to hope...I didn't want to hope...I tried hard not to hope. I eventually figured it out with my therapist/counselor/friend. We decided that hope was my new 4-letter word (h***)...I enjoyed that...and actually laughed...first time in a few days/weeks. I was afraid to hope because the last big thing I hoped for (Tony's healing) was taken away from me...suddenly...painfully...beyond my imaginings. I did not want to hope for anything else ever again. Hope hurts. If you hope for it, God may take it away. (That's what I was thinking.)
What helped me deal with anger was that I could break things when I felt like it. I could hit things when I needed to. As long as I didn't hurt anyone or anything (other than things I purchased for the purpose of breaking), I could use this to help with my anger. It worked.
We worked on what would help with the depression. I didn't think there would be anything. My therapist/counselor/friend and I talked it through. I decided that I would "challenge" my hopes...possibly even "challenging" God with my hopes. I would write down all my hopes, and then I could say, "There, God, these are my hopes. Go ahead and take them." Of course, this was not said in the humble, obedient way. I did this in the "I dare you" way. It might be wrong, but it helped me. I have been able to let my hopes go. I didn't mean for it to be a good thing, but then God is good. Since that day, I have felt a relief. I can laugh. I can be happy. I don't feel like sleeping constantly (when I say sleep, I mean hibernate). I still kinda want to cry suddenly without warning. (That sucks.) I still don't have much confidence in my hopes. I am still afraid to have them. I have a few big ones that I have told God about, but that's it.
So what's next? Which step of grief will I encounter next? I am still not over the anger. I still want to hit things and break things. I don't know about the depression. It's been a few days without the deep stuff. I hope that lasts.
Choosing joy...during the "grief depression", this was impossible...not exaggerating. I would try to choose joy...not really....there was not choosing...there was just sleep and crying... The last few days I have been trying to choose joy in the small everyday things...creating things at work...prepping for vacation...enjoying my kids... So there it is. Choose joy except when you're depressed (just kidding). JOY
I have suffered from depression for many years...also anxiety. This is a chemical imbalance in me. I have tried the reading the Bible, praying, and relying on God. I have done the medications. I still have random moments of complete panic, that I cannot talk myself out of. This is just to let you know, that I KNOW depression, and I don't like it.
So depression creeped up on me. I was amazed how different "grief depression" was for me than my "regular depression." It's a bit hard to explain. "Regular depression" for me is "just" wanting to sleep, feeling hopeless (knowing that usually it will eventually go away), etc. I can escape it during the day when hanging out with friends. "Grief depression" was so much deeper. I wanted to sleep. I couldn't escape it even when I was with friends. I could kinda laugh, but the depression and heaviness was still there. I cried incessantly. I was afraid to hope...I didn't want to hope...I tried hard not to hope. I eventually figured it out with my therapist/counselor/friend. We decided that hope was my new 4-letter word (h***)...I enjoyed that...and actually laughed...first time in a few days/weeks. I was afraid to hope because the last big thing I hoped for (Tony's healing) was taken away from me...suddenly...painfully...beyond my imaginings. I did not want to hope for anything else ever again. Hope hurts. If you hope for it, God may take it away. (That's what I was thinking.)
What helped me deal with anger was that I could break things when I felt like it. I could hit things when I needed to. As long as I didn't hurt anyone or anything (other than things I purchased for the purpose of breaking), I could use this to help with my anger. It worked.
We worked on what would help with the depression. I didn't think there would be anything. My therapist/counselor/friend and I talked it through. I decided that I would "challenge" my hopes...possibly even "challenging" God with my hopes. I would write down all my hopes, and then I could say, "There, God, these are my hopes. Go ahead and take them." Of course, this was not said in the humble, obedient way. I did this in the "I dare you" way. It might be wrong, but it helped me. I have been able to let my hopes go. I didn't mean for it to be a good thing, but then God is good. Since that day, I have felt a relief. I can laugh. I can be happy. I don't feel like sleeping constantly (when I say sleep, I mean hibernate). I still kinda want to cry suddenly without warning. (That sucks.) I still don't have much confidence in my hopes. I am still afraid to have them. I have a few big ones that I have told God about, but that's it.
So what's next? Which step of grief will I encounter next? I am still not over the anger. I still want to hit things and break things. I don't know about the depression. It's been a few days without the deep stuff. I hope that lasts.
Choosing joy...during the "grief depression", this was impossible...not exaggerating. I would try to choose joy...not really....there was not choosing...there was just sleep and crying... The last few days I have been trying to choose joy in the small everyday things...creating things at work...prepping for vacation...enjoying my kids... So there it is. Choose joy except when you're depressed (just kidding). JOY
Friday, June 27, 2014
Happy Birthday to Me
Today is my birthday. It comes with mixed feelings.
I used to have terrible birthdays every year. It got so bad that I would start looking for what was going to go wrong. It became kinda like a joke. It would be funny if it didn't suck. Then I decided then actual day didn't matter that much. I began to celebrated for a few days or weeks or even a month. My body became less stressful. The actual day began to get better. It was pretty cool. I learned this technique of not putting so much pressure or expectation on the one special day.
Tony and I used to watch Mad About You on TV. The main dude character always had bad things happen on his body. It felt good to know I wasn't the only one (ssshhh...you don't need to remind me that it is a fictional character). This one episode something bad happens on his body and he says something like "its okay...at least last year was good." So they think back to the year before, and something bad happens. So he says the same thing, and they think back to the year before that. Once again something bad happens. This goes on for a few years. Tony and I got such a laugh at that. We (really just me) began to relax more for bdays and just have fun and be flexible. We spread the bday out. It has become fun. I enjoy bdays now.
So I began today by going to social security. I know...be jealous! It took my number being called once, being sent back to sit, my name getting called, being given forms to fill out and sitting back down, and then getting my name called again to accomplish what I needed. After 2 1/2 hours, I received some awesome, amazing news. I will continue to get financial help even after Jeremiah turns 18 tomorrow!!! I should get financial help until Julia turns 18 (unless a miracle happens and I don't need it anymore). So that was a good way to start my bday.
Well the day really started at midnight when my cousin and I tried to beat each other to the bday wishes. She was born on my 1st bday. She is the greatest bday present I have ever had. Just in case you want to know, this was my 41st bday.. I told her I would quit telling people how old she was.
So on to the new.... There was this moment when everyone was singing Happy Birthday. I was smiling, having a god time, looked down at the candle, and wondered what would be my wish this year....... I realized that my wish could not come true (I want Tony). I had to rephrase it in my head...what is your wish that could actually happen.... Not so fun.
I felt truly loved and not alone with all my family and friends being with me and sending me messages. That part was good. I wanted to cry a few times...not so good...I hate crying...especially on my bday. I wanted today to be a no-cry day. I already spend most of yesterday sleeping, moping, and crying.
Today I chose joy by focusing on my cousin's big day, my family and friends who worked hard to make it a happy day, and enjoying my kids (especially with helping my tiny, baby boy make plans for tomorrow...his 18th bady). JOY
I used to have terrible birthdays every year. It got so bad that I would start looking for what was going to go wrong. It became kinda like a joke. It would be funny if it didn't suck. Then I decided then actual day didn't matter that much. I began to celebrated for a few days or weeks or even a month. My body became less stressful. The actual day began to get better. It was pretty cool. I learned this technique of not putting so much pressure or expectation on the one special day.
Tony and I used to watch Mad About You on TV. The main dude character always had bad things happen on his body. It felt good to know I wasn't the only one (ssshhh...you don't need to remind me that it is a fictional character). This one episode something bad happens on his body and he says something like "its okay...at least last year was good." So they think back to the year before, and something bad happens. So he says the same thing, and they think back to the year before that. Once again something bad happens. This goes on for a few years. Tony and I got such a laugh at that. We (really just me) began to relax more for bdays and just have fun and be flexible. We spread the bday out. It has become fun. I enjoy bdays now.
So I began today by going to social security. I know...be jealous! It took my number being called once, being sent back to sit, my name getting called, being given forms to fill out and sitting back down, and then getting my name called again to accomplish what I needed. After 2 1/2 hours, I received some awesome, amazing news. I will continue to get financial help even after Jeremiah turns 18 tomorrow!!! I should get financial help until Julia turns 18 (unless a miracle happens and I don't need it anymore). So that was a good way to start my bday.
Well the day really started at midnight when my cousin and I tried to beat each other to the bday wishes. She was born on my 1st bday. She is the greatest bday present I have ever had. Just in case you want to know, this was my 41st bday.. I told her I would quit telling people how old she was.
So on to the new.... There was this moment when everyone was singing Happy Birthday. I was smiling, having a god time, looked down at the candle, and wondered what would be my wish this year....... I realized that my wish could not come true (I want Tony). I had to rephrase it in my head...what is your wish that could actually happen.... Not so fun.
I felt truly loved and not alone with all my family and friends being with me and sending me messages. That part was good. I wanted to cry a few times...not so good...I hate crying...especially on my bday. I wanted today to be a no-cry day. I already spend most of yesterday sleeping, moping, and crying.
Today I chose joy by focusing on my cousin's big day, my family and friends who worked hard to make it a happy day, and enjoying my kids (especially with helping my tiny, baby boy make plans for tomorrow...his 18th bady). JOY
Saturday, June 21, 2014
The Sandwich Method
While teaching, I was taught to use the sandwich method when talking to parents. I got used to it. I find myself using it randomly. I didn't really want to write this one until I remembered the sandwich method.
The Sandwich Method...Never Give Bad News First!! Start with something happy or positive. Throw in the bad or needs improvement. End with some more positive. You leave the conversation feeling happy or positive.
Happy fact...through my sorrow I have been seeing God. I found an adorable house I could totally see myself living in. (If you know me then this is something big...seeing a future.) Anyone want to buy it for me and let me rent from you? I can't afford it, but one day I probably will be able to get something...praying for the perfect house when I have the money...not if...when...positive thinking. Also, out of the blue, my lawyer called. They need me to sign a paper. They have also obviously looked over the papers I dropped off. No updates, but they haven't forgotten me.
Here it comes. The part that makes me cry. I had a minor setback in the grief/anger/depression this week. I realize that part of the problem is that this pain is so much more severe than anything I have ever felt. I thought the death of my daughter hurt. I could only curl up in a ball, cry, and say that it hurts...literally...no exaggeration. The loss of my husband is so much more than that. I want to curl up in a ball, cry, and say it hurts, but then I can't breathe. I start panicking that I might need to call 911 because it hurts so much to breathe. Then there's this pain deep inside...it hurts worse then all the times I have broken bones. All of this at the same time. Holy cow, it feels like dying. I don't know that for sure, but wow it hurts. I can only handle it for a short time. Then I have to work on my breathing, so I don't panic.
I also realized that part of the double whammy is doing it alone...without my husband...who was the final say in all our major decisions...and I did this continuously for more than half my life...my entire adult life...over 20 years. Now I NEED to talk stuff over with someone, and the one I have always discussed things with is gone. Not only that, but the stuff I want to talk about is about him. Wow it hurts.
Now more happy, I hope. I chose joy this week by looking at a potential new house. I chose joy this week by moving in my old dresser...Tony used it last. It feels comfortable. It makes me feel good. I chose joy by using the sandwich method to write this. I was totally depressed knowing that I had to write this...my brain wouldn't shut up...I knew it wouldn't shut up until I wrote it. I remembered my old training (I think I might have been eating a sandwich), and things looked better. So I chose joy. It was hard and painful, but I did it. JOY
The Sandwich Method...Never Give Bad News First!! Start with something happy or positive. Throw in the bad or needs improvement. End with some more positive. You leave the conversation feeling happy or positive.
Happy fact...through my sorrow I have been seeing God. I found an adorable house I could totally see myself living in. (If you know me then this is something big...seeing a future.) Anyone want to buy it for me and let me rent from you? I can't afford it, but one day I probably will be able to get something...praying for the perfect house when I have the money...not if...when...positive thinking. Also, out of the blue, my lawyer called. They need me to sign a paper. They have also obviously looked over the papers I dropped off. No updates, but they haven't forgotten me.
Here it comes. The part that makes me cry. I had a minor setback in the grief/anger/depression this week. I realize that part of the problem is that this pain is so much more severe than anything I have ever felt. I thought the death of my daughter hurt. I could only curl up in a ball, cry, and say that it hurts...literally...no exaggeration. The loss of my husband is so much more than that. I want to curl up in a ball, cry, and say it hurts, but then I can't breathe. I start panicking that I might need to call 911 because it hurts so much to breathe. Then there's this pain deep inside...it hurts worse then all the times I have broken bones. All of this at the same time. Holy cow, it feels like dying. I don't know that for sure, but wow it hurts. I can only handle it for a short time. Then I have to work on my breathing, so I don't panic.
I also realized that part of the double whammy is doing it alone...without my husband...who was the final say in all our major decisions...and I did this continuously for more than half my life...my entire adult life...over 20 years. Now I NEED to talk stuff over with someone, and the one I have always discussed things with is gone. Not only that, but the stuff I want to talk about is about him. Wow it hurts.
Now more happy, I hope. I chose joy this week by looking at a potential new house. I chose joy this week by moving in my old dresser...Tony used it last. It feels comfortable. It makes me feel good. I chose joy by using the sandwich method to write this. I was totally depressed knowing that I had to write this...my brain wouldn't shut up...I knew it wouldn't shut up until I wrote it. I remembered my old training (I think I might have been eating a sandwich), and things looked better. So I chose joy. It was hard and painful, but I did it. JOY
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)