Happy Birthday to Me

Today is my birthday. It comes with mixed feelings. 

I used to have terrible birthdays every year. It got so bad that I would start looking for what was going to go wrong. It became kinda like a joke. It would be funny if it didn't suck. Then I decided then actual day didn't matter that much. I began to celebrated for a few days or weeks or even a month. My body became less stressful. The actual day began to get better. It was pretty cool. I learned this technique of not putting so much pressure or expectation on the one special day. 

Tony and I used to watch Mad About You on TV. The main dude character always had bad things happen on his body. It felt good to know I wasn't the only one (ssshhh...you don't need to remind me that it is a fictional character). This one episode something bad happens on his body and he says something like "its okay...at least last year was good." So they think back to the year before, and something bad happens. So he says the same thing, and they think back to the year before that. Once again something bad happens. This goes on for a few years. Tony and I got such a laugh at that. We (really just me) began to relax more for bdays and just have fun and be flexible. We spread the bday out. It has become fun. I enjoy bdays now. 

So I began today by going to social security. I know...be jealous! It took my number being called once, being sent back to sit, my name getting called, being given forms to fill out and sitting back down, and then getting my name called again to accomplish what I needed. After 2 1/2 hours, I received some awesome, amazing news. I will continue to get financial help even after Jeremiah turns 18 tomorrow!!! I should get financial help until Julia turns 18 (unless a miracle happens and I don't need it anymore). So that was a good way to start my bday. 

Well the day really started at midnight when my cousin and I tried to beat each other to the bday wishes. She was born on my 1st bday. She is the greatest bday present I have ever had. Just in case you want to know, this was my 41st bday.. I told her I would quit telling people how old she was. 

So on to the new.... There was this moment when everyone was singing Happy Birthday. I was smiling, having a god time, looked down at the candle, and wondered what would be my wish this year....... I realized that my wish could not come true (I want Tony). I had to rephrase it in my head...what is your wish that could actually happen.... Not so fun. 

I felt truly loved and not alone with all my family and friends being with me and sending me messages. That part was good. I wanted to cry a few times...not so good...I hate crying...especially on my bday. I wanted today to be a no-cry day. I already spend most of yesterday sleeping, moping, and crying. 

Today I chose joy by focusing on my cousin's big day, my family and friends who worked hard to make it a happy day, and enjoying my kids (especially with helping my tiny, baby boy make plans for tomorrow...his 18th bady).                     JOY

The Sandwich Method

While teaching, I was taught to use the sandwich method when talking to parents. I got used to it. I find myself using it randomly. I didn't really want to write this one until I remembered the sandwich method. 

The Sandwich Method...Never Give Bad News First!! Start with something happy or positive. Throw in the bad or needs improvement. End with some more positive. You leave the conversation feeling happy or positive. 

Happy fact...through my sorrow I have been seeing God. I found an adorable house I could totally see myself living in. (If you know me then this is something big...seeing a future.)  Anyone want to buy it for me and let me rent from you? I can't afford it, but one day I probably will be able to get something...praying for the perfect house when I have the money...not if...when...positive thinking. Also, out of the blue, my lawyer called. They need me to sign a paper. They have also obviously looked over the papers I dropped off. No updates, but they haven't forgotten me. 

Here it comes. The part that makes me cry. I had a minor setback in the grief/anger/depression this week. I realize that part of the problem is that this pain is so much more severe than anything I have ever felt. I thought the death of my daughter hurt. I could only curl up in a ball, cry, and say that it hurts...literally...no exaggeration. The loss of my husband is so much more than that. I want to curl up in a ball, cry, and say it hurts, but then I can't breathe. I start panicking that I might need to call 911 because it hurts so much to breathe. Then there's this pain deep inside...it hurts worse then all the times I have broken bones. All of this at the same time. Holy cow, it feels like dying. I don't know that for sure, but wow it hurts. I can only handle it for a short time. Then I have to work on my breathing, so I don't panic. 

I also realized that part of the double whammy is doing it alone...without my husband...who was the final say in all our major decisions...and I did this continuously for more than half my life...my entire adult life...over 20 years. Now I NEED to talk stuff over with someone, and the one I have always discussed things with is gone. Not only that, but the stuff I want to talk about is about him. Wow it hurts.

Now more happy, I hope. I chose joy this week by looking at a potential new house. I chose joy this week by moving in my old dresser...Tony used it last. It feels comfortable. It makes me feel good. I chose joy by using the sandwich method to write this. I was totally depressed knowing that I had to write this...my brain wouldn't shut up...I knew it wouldn't shut up until I wrote it.  I remembered my old training (I think I might have been eating a sandwich), and things looked better. So I chose joy. It was hard and painful, but I did it.                                                          JOY

Buddy Bears

A little know fact about Buddy Bears...or maybe just long forgotten...Tony and I used to be Buddy leaders...and we loved competing to see whose team would win...we were on separate teams...usually younger kids...and we had so much fun with our kids to beat each other's team.........

We also did the skits together. That was fun. Eventually we got burned out a bit...then he couldn't get off work because summer was his busy season. Then he got hurt. He managed to come back one year to do skits. Then it was too much for him. So he stayed home, packed lunches for the kid, washed all our shirts, and listened to the stories every night. Then we'd reminisce about the good old days when we competed. Now it's me...with memories...

I love Buddy Bears. I love the people. I love most of the kids. This year I'd prefer to survive it, hide out in the office, and pretend that all is right in the world. 

I have come to a physical acceptance that Tony is gone. I still want to cry all the time and for seemingly no reason. I still get crazy angry that this is my new normal. I have a snow globe on my desk at work...that is not there for its beauty...it is there so I can break it if I feel the anger overpowering me...just looking at it and knowing I have that option calms me down enough to deal...

This weekend is some more firsts. Saturday is Jeremiah's grad party. We are doing it with a bunch of his friends who also graduated. That should be fun (not sarcasm). Then comes Sunday...Father's Day...  I love my fathers, but this is a hard holiday. My dad will be feeling guilty for surviving a heart attack when his son-in-law didn't (sorry dad for sharing). The other dads just lost their son, so I feel that by saying "Happy Father's Day" I am just reminding them of this fact. Then comes my kids. They just lost their dad..........yep, this should be fun (definitely sarcasm). Jeremiah is going to camp that day, so Julia and I talked about going to see a sad movie so we could cry like crazy and blend in...not have to explain why. 

So this is where I talk about choosing joy. I am in small ways, but I feel like just saying "blah blah blah choose joy blah blah.".          JOY

Graduation

This week I am back to sad. I thought I was doing okay. I got a lot of things moved out of my house. I was able to give things to people who needed it. Awesome! I got to throw things away. Fun! It was going all fine and dandy...then I was asked about a stupid little lunch box. I lost it. It was from California Adventure shortly after it opened. We got it in an area we loved to walk through many times a day. I didn't realize that this would be the thing that would bring me to grieve. I kept it. It has wonderful memories. I had a few friends over who hugged me, cried with me, and prayed for me. The best part of the day was watching James Dirk pull out our measuring pole. It is a post in the living room that we marked the kids' heights on twice a year. Tony used to measure them in June around Jeremiah's bday, and then again around Christmas. I am happy we get to take it with us. 

My tiny baby boy is graduating from high school. I had to stop writing this blog for a few days because it was too hard. I tried a few times to continue it. Let's see how far I get this time. I think when most parents have a child they dream of the coming milestones. This was one that Tony and I had talked about. This was the one graduation Tony was truly looking forward to. We had pictured it. We had dreamed it. We had envisioned it. It was our first child, our boy, and he was graduating. 

This no longer looks like our dream. When my kids receive their awards this year, it will be just me. When we take family graduation pictures like everyone does, it will just be the three of us. Tears are pouring down my face as I write this. I only get half of this dream. My heart hurts.

I am still trying to choose joy. I go out and hang with people. I'm not good at talking right now. It's all I can do to keep a brave face.      JOY

I don't know what to call this one.

So Mother's Day wasn't as easy as I thought it was. Both my kids became surly the next day. Yay! They haven't really gotten over their surliness; they just keep showing it in new and unique ways. I feel very alone. 

Tony's boys from Liberty HS have dedicated this baseball season to him. These are his seniors. They have been doing a good job. He'd be really proud of them. They are now playing in the off season trying tonwin first for Tony. They made it through the first round by beating Heritage. The next round is against De La Salle. Ouch! I think they can do it. I would love for them to win. I have been going to these last few games, and they are fun!

I am unloading my house this weekend. Anybody want some old, used furniture that would love to be refurbished? I have some end tables that would be fun to work on. Tony and I got them used when we got married. I kept them thinking that some day I would redo them..... I am going to be donating a bunch of stuff to people who want/need stuff...couches where one side doesn't recline anymore...several end tables... I like the idea of getting rid of stuff. I don't like the idea of having to haul all the stuff I'm keeping to a new location to be stored until I'm ready to move it again. I hate moving, but I dislike the house more. There are just so many bad memories. 

I am looking forward to getting a place of my own. I'm not looking forward for it to be just me and Jules. I dread the day Jeremiah says that he has a place of his own. Although right now I wouldn't be too unhappy without the kids...they are annoying and tearing me down. I am just afraid of the aloneness. I already feel it at times, and I love be in a place with many people. How bad will it be when I'm actually alone?

I think one of the reasons that I'm so morose is that I am going to a memorial service tomorrow. One of Tony's coach buddies recently lost his battle with cancer. I really liked this guy. He was amazing. He was just at Tony's memorial service. I wish I had words of wisdom for his wife. I have nothing. I have tears. I can offer a hug. That's it. 

I am also not sleeping well. I know that is helping immensely with my moroseness. I thought I had moved into avoidance. That is true to an extent. I avoid crying and things that might make me cry. I am still very much in anger. Anger is wearing me out. 

I am trying so hard to choose joy. Most times I am too tired to actively pursue joy. It is also hard to choose joy when you want to scream out in anger. It's hard to choose joy when parenting becomes overwhelming. It's hard, but I am trying.              JOY


Oh, I choose joy by making morbid jokes. If you would like to see Tony's last selfie, just ask. Of course, it is his brain, so you may want to pass on that. Yes, I got a good giggle showing people that one. I was going to post the picture, but thought it might be a tad gross.

Baseball, Friends, and Family

These last few days have been interesting. I talked to my therapist/counselor/friend and realized that I have not been seeing God in the little things like I used to. He suggested I ask God to open my eyes to see these again. So I did. Wow! I have been reading about about grief (I'm still unsure if I agree with it or not so I'm not posting the title), and it said to ask God specifically for what you want (that's a paraphrase...there's more to it than that). I did and wow! Now here's the story that ties these two together. Yesterday was Liberty High School's final regular game of the season. The Seniors on the team were Tony's boys. The three local high schools were tied for first place (I think), so they all were playing each other this week. Tuesday Liberty beat Heritage. Yesterday they were playing Freedom (the Juniors on that team are also Tony's boys). Liberty's baseball team has chosen to dedicate the entire season to Tony since so many of them were coached and loved by him. They have made me feel like I was part of the Liberty baseball family. It was a funny, awesome game. Tony would have enjoyed it so much. I was so proud of the boys. They are adorable. I got to talk to the coach a little bit afterwards and thanked him. Then I raced off the the SF Giants game. I had this tickets for months, but I didn't want to miss this important Liberty game. I arrived during the 5th inning. (I will stop here and let you know that I have felt that I was a jinx for a few years. It seems that every game I go to they lose.) They were losing...no surprise there...they love to lose for me. I got situated in my seat, started updating my mom and Shari on the Liberty game, and then the game started to turn around. The Giants started hitting the ball and running the bases! Cool! The Kiss Cam came on...I find it hilarious...and partway through a guy proposed...she said yes...it was so cool! It was hot, and I wanted ice cream. I didn't want to leave my seat because I wanted to watch the game. So I said, "Where's the ice cream man?" Up the stairs comes a girl selling ice cream...no joking. It was amazing timing. We got up and did the 7th inning stretch. I got into my neighbor's selfie. She thought it was funny. The game continued to be awesome. Then came the 8th inning Sing-a-Long. For the past few years, it's been "Don't Stop Believing" which I find to be a ridiculous song. I sing it...but have year listened to the words... Last night, it was "Lights" by Journey.........I love that song. Tony and I had just had a conversation about this song a few weeks/months before he died. I said that it brought back warm, fuzzy memories...nothing specific...just happiness.... He thought about it and agreed. That's how it made him feel, too. So it's a special song for me. I half teared up. I started getting excited because it looked like the Giants were going to win, and it's been forever since I heard Tony Bennett sing "I Left My Heart in San Francisco"...that's what they play when they win. The moment came! They won. The lady (that I selfied with) laughed at us because we laughed, sang along, and clapped to the "WooHoo song they play first. Actually a lot of people were looking at us and laughing....... When that song ended, the long-awaited song began. They lady next to me started to leave, so I gave her a hug (she's part of the Giants family, so why not). We started to sing along with this song, and I suddenly realized...there wouldn't be a Tony waiting at home to talk over this game (he would have been watching it or listening to it). There wouldn't be a Tony to talk to about this guy's awesome outfit (red plaid shorts and a blue shirt with yellow stripes). I got all teary. It was a fun day. It was a funny day. But reality can take away some of the fun and funny. I refused to let it ruin my day. I cried, and I focused on all the wonderful that had happened. I still find myself asking myself if this is really real...Am I really not going to see this man on earth ever again...Really?...

A friend of mine sent me a picture. On it it says, "Determine to choose joy." In this moment, I have determined to choose joy. I will focus on the fun of the day. I will focus on how much Tony would have enjoyed it. I will focus on joy. I chose joy yesterday. I chose joy today. I will choose joy tomorrow (at least I think I will).                                               JOY

Mother's Day

Mother's Day was never a special holiday for me with Tony. He would always tell me that I wasn't his mom, so he didn't need to get me anything. I can still totally hear him saying this. I always enjoyed the cute things the kids did for me. I usually helped them, but still... I'm a mom.. I love almost everything my kids give me or make for me. I have to say almost because Julia tries to find things that are ridiculous for me to like. I did miss him like crazy today, but I didn't notice a lack of gift. 

Right after Tony died, around the memorial service, and today I felt moments of guilt. Mostly towards Tony's parents. I feel guilty because he's gone. I know it's not a real reason...I have to talk myself out of it...but I still feel like apologizing for his death...let them know I would gladly (probably gladly is the wrong word) take care of him for many, many more years. Like that makes it better. 

Now Father's Day! I'm already swearing up a storm in my head for that one. 

Back to my Mother's Day...I had a great day. I had lunch with my kids and my mom (my dad and bro too). I got presents. I got a homemade card. I got an awesome card that I picked out. I got Giants stuff that I also picked out. My kids were great. I went to church. It was a traditional Mother's Day for me. 

I chose joy. I focused on the positive, and ignored the hard parts. I used to be very good at ignoring the hard parts. Not so easy these days. But I chose joy today.                        JOY