Many Topics

I really should have made the title of my last blog "God's good vs. My good," but I enjoyed the way "God's Good?" came out. It made me laugh. And I didn't correct myself or anyone else. I just giggled. I have had a few discussions with my therapist/counselor/friend about what I think the difference is between what God wants for me and what I think God should want for me. Also the topic of "Do I think God will give me a level '10' happiness life or not." I mean, if God wants me to be "happy," shouldn't "happy" things happen to me. With that philosophy, God must not want me to be "happy" because "happy" things are not happening to me. Therefore, what is "God's good" aka "happy" plan for me? I know. I know. It's enough to make your head spin.

On to the next topic. I have noticed that the shock is now officially gone. I am officially in the sad phase. I also am enjoying the "Why?" phase and the "Why me?" phase...because, of course, other people deserve it more than me...jk  Sometimes I like to pretend that I was never married, then I can't be hurt by his death.

I got to do a "first" for me. I got to put the dog's flea medicine on them. Boy, was that fun! (sarcasm) At least Jeremiah bathed the dogs first. Then we took the dogs for a nice walk. It felt kinda weird doing this "first."

A friend gave me a gift (night light) with the words "I wish there were visiting hours in Heaven." It got me thinking. If I had 1 hour, what would I do/say? At first, I was thinking of all these questions. Then, I realized that I would probably just want to snuggle, smell him (as long as he didn't smell like sweat), hold his hand, hug him, just be near. I have a couple questions I would like to ask. I also have a few things I would like to say. I would have him teach me a lot of things...things that I didn't need to know because he was there to do it or walk me through it. I would have him retell me some of the stories because I'm forgetting them. I would make him smile and laugh because I miss those things...and I'm forgetting his laugh.

These are just a few of the things that are running through my head. None of them big enough for a blog on their own...or I don't want to dig into them enough to make them a blog of their own. I'm not truly depressed but I am. What does that mean? It means that I'm fighting depression. I would much rather sleep than anything else. BUT I am getting up each day, going to work, enjoying my kids, making plans for the future (2 weeks into the future, but hey, it's a start), and doing things that I would normally do.

I am not going out of my way to choose joy right now. I think I am choosing joy by just getting up every day...choosing to live...choosing to hang with the kids (they bring joy).          JOY

God's Good?

What is God's good for me? I know God is good, but what are his "good" plans for me? I used to believe that God wanted me to be happy...He had super duper awesome plans for me...I just had to love Him and serve Him...and life would be good...maybe even awesome. 

Over the last 4 1\2 years, I have become more pessimistic about God's good plans. God's plans and my idea of good plans don't usually equal the same thing. They don't usually look anything alike. 

So here I am, at a new stage in life, looking for my "new normal"...trying to make plans for my new future. My old future ended much differently than I expected. I have made Plan A, Plan B, and Plan C to give myself a hope for my new future. I really want Plan A, but my new pessimism says that God will give me Plan D. Plan D will probably be painful, hard, and maybe okay...maybe.

I have 3 main topics running through my head recently. This is one of them. The other 2 are just as big. I don't want to blog about them. I don't want to put my feelings into words. Some of my feelings are ugly, some feel like I'm betraying Tony, and some are just plain painful. I am working through them...extremely slowly...but I am. Some thoughts I will not be publishing in blog form. Some thoughts I will only post minimally. I'm not shy about my thoughts, but sometimes it's hard to write about it knowing so many people will read it. If you really want to know, feel free to ask me. 

I choose joy by deciding to wake up every morning. I choose joy by surviving.            JOY

Packing Begins

I began packing up the house. I have many feelings about this. I am happy because it's getting organized. I feel loved because quite a few people came over and helped. I feel sad because I found Tony's "dress up" shirt (Hawaiian shirt). I feel hope because I can see a future. I feel depressed because I'm already forgetting things about my hubby. I feel greatful because I got to live more than half my life with this one man. I feel frustrated because the future is uncertain. There's so much more that I'm feeling. 

One of the interesting things that happened after writing a hard-on-me blog and then working on the house for two days...my brain shut up. I haven't wanted\needed to blog because my brain is quiet. It might possibly be quiet because I'm mourning more than before. 

Pros on packing up the house...I can sell it and have money to live on. 

Cons on packing up the house...I am erasing this era of my life.

Pro...I get a fresh start.

Con...I have to figure out what to keep, what to give, and what to throw. 

Pro...I can heal without the bad memories constantly next to me.

Con...I like my neighbors. My neighbors LOVED Tony. 

Pro...all of us can be closer to friends and family. 

Con...it's hard to mess with Tony's stuff. I'm saving most of it for "later."

Pro...

Con...

Remember I said that my brain is silent. Well, it's gone silent right in the middle of this blog. Awesome!!! (sarcasm) (and kinda not sarcasm) It's kinda nice to have a quiet brain. 

I chose joy today by watching a show that would hurt because Tony wasn't there to watch it with me...it was something that I wanted to see. I chose joy by enjoying my kids. This sounds like a smallish thing, but sometimes I have to consciously make the effort to hang with them...especially when they are grumpy, moody, tired, snarky, critical, etc. It's just me now, and I choose to show my kids what joy is...except when I'm grumpy, moody, tired, snarky.....jk.           JOY

Rose Brignolio

Rose is the daughter I had that nobody got to meet. She's also the one who taught me how not to grieve. I miscarried Rose between Jeremiah and Julia. It was super duper awful, and I mourned for about a year. When I say mourn, I mean I don't remember most of that year. I closed up myself and cried and slept. I think that's how not to grieve. 

I don't think there's one right way to grieve though. I think grieving is a process, and everybody does it different. It takes different amounts of time for different people. 

Anyway, back to Rose. I wasn't very far along with her, but I was obviously pregnant. She was quite active. Now I wonder if she was active because she was sick. Whatever. The point is I had bonded. I was devastated when I found out I lost her. People said mean, rude things to help me feel better. I got all the best "Christian" answers. It super sucked. It hurt so much that when I prayed I could only say, "Ouch, God, it hurts." That's all I could get out. The things that helped were hugs and "I love yous." I closed myself off to others, so I couldn't  be hurt more. Through this experience I gained my philosophy on friendship and my philosophy on grieving. I didn't realize I had a philosophy on grieving until recently. 

My philosophy on grieving is that you need people. You need to get your thoughts out...like blogging or just writing a journal. I recommend seeing a counselor. They help you see that you are not insane. They help you get your thoughts out which makes it easier to work through things. Now you know why I do the things I do. I didn't do these things with Rose, and I didn't leave the devastated portion or grieving for almost a year. I don't recommend that. I'm not magically grieving "bravely." I've grieved a very painful, debilitating way, and I don't want to do it that way again. I'm fighting to not neglect my kids. I'm fighting to not lose a year or more of my life. I want to remember. I don't want to miss a thing (I am singing that song from Armaggedon). 

 I have so many other things to say, but I think this is for now. The last blog took a lot out of me. I like to control things, so I want to control when I feel pain. If you are going to take off a bandaid, then do it fast. (I don't really do that in real life ) So I ripped that bandaid off, and it hurt WAY more than I expected. 

I choose joy by not grieving the old way. I choose joy by actually being slightly greatful that I lost Rose, so I could grieve the loss of Tony better.        JOY

Medical Marijuana

This is a controversial one. I was raised in the church. The automatic answer is marijuana is wrong. I have found the it's not quite black and white. What if you have a friend who is suffering from cancer. She has lost all her hair. She is a fraction of who she was physically. Medications don't work. Nothing takes the pain away. She tries marijuana because she has tried EVERYTHING else. It works. Is it still wrong?

My Tony suffered from pain in numerous places in his body 24/7 for the last 4 1/2 years. When asked what his pain level is between 1 and 10 (10 being the worst pain you could imagine), he would answer about a 7. Then I finally realized that the pain he was imagining as a 10 would be torture...you know like in the movies...for people that are being interrogated...being electrocuted...being beaten until near death... When I explained that's not what the doctor meant, he went to the doctor to make sure. The doctor incredulously said no way; 10 is the worst pain you can live with in a normal life situation. Then Tony said that his pain would be a 10, maybe higher. This is what he lived with every day. He ALWAYS had a headache; sometimes it was only a 4. His back ALWAYS hurt; he would moan or cry out in his sleep. He was given so many different pain medications. Nothing worked. It might take the pain down by 1 or 2 levels, but would never take it away completely. His pain was never less than a 4. I can't imagine living with a level 4 pain every day in at least 3 different places on my body. How can a person live that way?! He tried Vicodin. He tried Norco. These are both extremely potent. They can cause addiction. They didn't work on his pain. After 3 1/2 years of living this way, Tony started researching medical marijuana.

Here's the honest part. I was so disappointed. I was angry at God. Marijuana is wrong. I almost don't care if it works, I don't want it in my home. Second-hand marijuana gives me headaches; it usually ends in a migraine. We researched it together...I did it grudgingly...just to say I was supportive. I ended up with a knowledge of marijuana that isn't talked about. I still hate it. Not only does second-hand give me headaches, but I have found out the hard way (many times) that it sets off a huge asthma attack where I have to consider calling 911. I also puke my brains out. It's quite fun. (sarcasm) Did you know that there are many different kinds of marijuana. Some that is for pain. Some that is for nausea. Some that is for sleeplessness. There are others that help so many different things. Tony's doctor gave him a referral for a doctor who can give out cannabis cards. We went to see that doctor. That doctor gave him his card. We found a dispensary. The dispensary gave us another education. They were helpful. Over the last few months of Tony's life (he started to go downhill quickly during his last 4 months), he tried a few different types of marijuana. He kept a log about which ones did what for him, so he would remember the ones that worked and the ones that didn't. I shouldn't say that they didn't work; they just had side effects that he didn't like. He carefully chose the kinds that would help his needs: pain, vertigo, nausea, sleeplessness. Some of them helped so much that we would have a great day, almost like old times. We didn't talk to others about it. Most of the family didn't know. It's controversial. It was also our decision. We chose to make his last days as tolerable as possible (we thought we have a few more years before we would lose him mentally or physically). I thought I had at least 20 more years of snuggling and hanging together.

So what opinion did I get out of all this? It helped him. It's hard to see your husband in so much pain, and with marijuana he was not in pain. I am still not a happy camper about marijuana, but I will not argue with people who need it for health. They say it's not addictive, but I have seen some varieties become addictive for some people. They say it kills brain cells. I have no idea about that one. His mental abilities did go down greatly while he was on marijuana, but that could have been from his illness. I don't think it should be legal for everywhere all the time. Second-hand would probably kill me in higher dosages than Tony gave me. I know there are others out there who have the same asthma problems I do. FYI: I also have a similar reaction to cigarette smoke. If I outlawed one, I'd have to outlaw the other since they both make my throat close up. This is another one of the false thoughts that I have...I feel guilty because I'm glad Tony died, so I don't have to deal with the marijuana anymore. I was too embarrassed yesterday to write it out. This is a taboo subject. You don't talk about it unless you are saying it's a terrible thing and should be outlawed. I felt guilty yesterday for not writing it down. It was part of my life, and it's one of my false thoughts.

Today I chose joy by choosing to write this blog about my life about a controversial subject. I chose joy by choosing truth instead of hiding and being afraid of what my life included. I chose joy by buying boxes, so I can start packing up my house. I chose joy by choosing to sell my house and put the bad memories aside. (I haven't sold it; I haven't even put it on the market yet.) I chose joy by actually thinking about my future beyond 6 years from now. I chose joy by making a Plan B in case I don't get a settlement.                           JOY

False Thoughts

So I have been having these false ideas running through my head. I know they aren't true, but I can't seem to shut them off. So I am going to write them down so maybe they will shut up. 

GUILT
*I feel guilty to be relieved that Tony died because he was so bad at the end. 
*I feel guilty because I am healthier and have more energy now that he's gone. 
* I feel guilty because I got excited that I get to decorate the house now...even in purple!
* I feel guilty that I'm not as frugal as Tony...I called it "tight wad" and "stingy."

ANGER
*I feel angry because he left me here with a house to fix and two kids to raise on my own with no money. 
*I feel angry because I am alone. 

ENTITLED
*I deserve to get a huge settlement because I have to go through this. 
*I deserve a settlement so I can raise my kids without the stress of finances.

I know there are more. I know that these are not true. I know that I need to work through these. 

Today I chose joy by going to the scrapbook expo with friends for my mom's bday. I chose joy by talking about Tony in regular conversation...and not in a depressing way. Today I chose joy by getting a good song stuck in my head. Today I chose joy by laughing as much as possible. I love to laugh as much as I hate sad and crying. So I laughed...and laughed...and got strange looks!    JOY

Big Mistake...HUGE

Yesterday, the entire household went to the Exploratorium. I decided that I had a few errands that really needed to get done. I was feeling strong, so I decided this was the day. I went to the lawyers office. It was fine...long but fine. Then I decided to go to my house to pick up a few things and my mail. Still not too bad. I remembered that I hadn't shut off Tony's cell phone, so I decided to do that. As I was waiting to be helped, I checked out my mail. There was something big in there from the lawyer. I decided to read it. It was showing me my new claim (a death lawsuit). Pretty cool, not too bad. Then I made it to a page that showed our original lawsuit. It had Tony's signature on it. A tear squeaked out. Then a dude who works at the phone place comes up to ask me what I needed to do here. I said that I needed to cancel a phone line. He asked if it was mine. I said no, it's my husband's. He started to ask if I had control on the account. I told him my husband had died. He told me he was sorry for my loss. He went up to the counter, and talked to the lady behind the desk. Then he came back and told me she was ready to help me. (With bad Brignolio humor, I thought it was cool that I got special treatment again because my husband had died.) So she asks me what the phone number is. I tell her. It was rather hard. We had matched phone numbers. I didn't think it would be hard. It was. Then she asked for my code (86753099). I giggled, gave it to her, realized it was the last time I would use it, and my eyes filled up with tears. I tell her that I also want to pay off what the balance is...trying to be responsible. She says no way...you don't owe anything. (another perk?) Then she tells me that it's all done. Less than 2 minutes of talking to her, and my husband's account is done. I said thank you. I squeaked out a few tears. The nice dude gave me "the smile" and wished me well. I made it outside, got to my car, and then burst into sobs. These were the big, ugly crying sobs I'm always warning people about. I couldn't even get into the car. I just stood next to it, with my head in my arms, my arms against the car, and just shaking and sobbing...and I knew they could all see me...which made me cry harder. I just kept thinking, "Big mistake...BIG...HUGE." Make sure you read that in Julia Robert's voice from Pretty Woman. It helped to slow the tears.

I decided that I needed shoes. I actually kinda did, but the timing is a little suspicious. I bought a new pair of shoes. I had them cut off the tags, and I wore them out of the store. It made me feel a little better. New shoes are a good healer of emotions.

Then I went to Graceland, so I could look at books on grief...mostly how to help your kids deal with grief. I was looking around when Brian (owner) walks up and asks if I need help. He recognized me (I used to go in there often). I told him what I was looking for. He asked who we had lost. I said my husband. He said he was so sorry, gave me a hug, and helped me find a book. There was one book in particular that he said he always recommended, but they didn't have it on the shelf right now. He looked it up. It was going out of print. He wrote down the info, and then told me to give him my address. He said the book was a gift from him, and he would mail it to me. He's amazing; that's why I used to go in there all the time. When Tony got hurt, I didn't have as much spare time or money to get there very often.

Next, Target...yes, I know, shop therapy. I found stuff for my nieces and nephews Easter baskets. I got jewelry cleaner to clean Tony's ring. See I got real stuff, not just stuff for me that I would regret later.

Then I went to Michael's. I wanted to find a charm to go on a necklace with Tony's ring. So I'm looking and looking and not finding. I asked God to please show me the perfect charm. I saw a random set of shelves away from the other jewelry stuff, and I got excited because I thought this was it. I was going to find my charm. As I got the the shelves, a song came over the radio. It was "Good for Me" by Amy Grant. That song especially, but the entire album was something that Tony and I loved together. We thought of it as "our song" or "our album." I thought that was so funny (not really) that that song came on when I thought I was going to find my charm. I laughed and then teared up. I did not find my charm, but I did buy some stuff.

I decided that the day had been excruciating enough, so I headed home for a nap. THE END   Not really. I still went to a Relay for Life meeting. I missed the last one because it was right after Tony died. A bunch of the ladies there knew, so they just gave me a hug and some love and let me be. It was nice. Then I went to Youth Group. Then I went home and didn't right a blog.

I am glad to have gotten those things done. I am glad to be moving forward, but I am to the point where the sorrow is very painful physically. I don't want to cry because I know it will physically hurt as well as hurt to my innermost being. I am okay with crying because I know that it will help heal me.

I choose joy by getting up and continuing on. I choose joy by planning my new future (even though I won't allow myself to think more than 6 years). I choose joy by buying new shoes (okay that's probably not choosing joy, but they are cute). I choose joy by hanging out with my girls. I choose joy by hanging out with friends. I choose joy by hanging out with my kids. I choose joy by snuggling my dogs (well, they snuggled me while I took my nap...all 3). I choose joy by getting these things out of my head and written down. I choose joy by hugging.      JOY

Bay Area Cremation

I brought my hubby wubby home today. By "home", I mean to the place the kids and I are staying. By "brought," I mean his ashes.    JOY

BNC Youth Oscars

The BNC Youth Oscars super sucked...not really. They were super duper sad...not really. I had a great time. I even flash mobbed my video. I danced in front of people! I was so busy with my girls and the Silent Auction that I forgot about Tony.That's kinda good...but when the reminder comes, it's almost harder.

So I realized that I said the "My Girls" are sophomores, but that's not totally true. I have a few freshmen girls, a few juniors, and a few seniors. I did a video with all of these ages for the Oscars. We did a cheesy commercial, and then lip synced to "Call Me Maybe" with a dance. We filmed in about 3 hours...over two days...with 2-3 hours more for practicing...and then 2-3 hours for editing. It almost didn't get done. My girls waited to film an Oscar movie until I was back at Youth Group after Tony's death. They are the sweetest girls. Although they could have filmed without me, and I would have been fine. I don't really have to be in a movie.

The chocolate cake was awesome!!!!

The final award of the Oscars is the "Best Picture Award". It's awarded to the movie that gets the most votes from the audience. This year, they announced that a friend had died recently (Tony), and they were going to honor him. They put together a video presentation which included clips of all the movies Tony had filmed over the years for the Oscars. It was amazing. I super super cried. I tried not to be too loud about it because my dad (Tony's, really) was sitting right in front of me. He was having a hard time with it too. My sister, Katie, and my mom, Kathy, were with me too... and crying. I did my ugly cry which means my face gets all red and puffy, and I make disgusting noises. I would laugh, and then it would hit me...I will never get to see Tony be creative again. I didn't think he would be able to manage the Oscars this year anyway, but it really hurt to not get to hear him discussing Oscar videos and commercials. No more laughs. No more bad humor. No more presenting an award. No more saving a table for me while I work. No more making sure the kids eat dinner while I work. No more outbidding people on the Silent Auction. No more "Not a Kathy Production". No more....the list goes on and on. And it all hit me during that video presentation. It physically hurt...a lot...(understatement). I could tell that somebody who truly knew Tony put that presentation together (Brad and Kathy Shifflett). Then they changed the "Best Picture Award" to the "Tony Award." Ouch and cool! Forever after, I will be reminded that Tony is no longer with me at the Oscars...like I wouldn't have remembered that without the name change. The trophy was awesome. It was a Darth Tater on top of a large trophy base. It was super cool...very Tony. Tony would have loved to put that trophy on his "Shelf of Honor." Yes, it was called that...it even had a label.

Before all that, we had our first family get together without Tony. All of his immediate family that's in the area and my family got together for a BBQ. It was fun. My niece and nephews were selling candy for a fundraiser for their swim team. Tony always said I was a sucker for a fundraiser, and he's right. I bought 20 lollipops for "my girls", and some candy bars. I told my nephew, Josiah, that I needed 20 lollipops to give to my girls for the Oscars. He thought that was cool. Then he slyly asked me if I was sure I would only have 20 girls for the Oscars. That sneaky, adorable kid! I almost bought more! Don't tell him, but I could have used more.

So, today has been a bit weepy. I tear up quite often today. I went to bed last night with a crying headache. I took a nap today because I still had the headache. (It did go away for a little while during lunch.) I got to have lunch with Mark Denning. That was cool. We (my parents and Ben along with Mark) had a good talk over a good lunch.

So I chose joy yesterday during most of the day. The video hit me, and I didn't want to have joy. I wanted to crawl into a ball and whine about how unfair life is. I chose joy (I didn't really have time to whine) and finished out my shift working the Oscars. By the time I got home I was so exhausted. I went almost straight to bed and slept well. Today has been harder to choose joy. I feel sorrow all the way through to my innermost being. I choose joy by getting hugs and love from others. I choose joy by stealing Brighton and Kennedy from their parents, so I can have kids in the 2's room where I'm working. I choose joy by teaching Emery how to blow kisses and then doing knuckles. I choose joy by loving on my daughter. (She's doing my hair right now.) I choose joy by getting the thoughts out of my head by writing this blog.   JOY

KidStuf

I missed Tony a lot today. So many times I wanted to tell him something and then remember. So many times I found something that he would enjoy and then remember.

Tonight's KidStuf was dedicated to Tony. It was really nice. My sister, Katie, sat in the back with me. We cried together. We had a box of Kleenex. I started to pull out my phone so I could video something to show Tony later. Then I remembered. Tonight hurt...physically. I chose to have joy though by hanging with the little ones. I got to see my niece, Gianna, and get lots of hugs. I got to do knuckles with Emery. Then I filmed a commercial with my high school girls.   JOY

The Nothing Day

Today, I did nothing. I felt a little guilty at first; then I got over it. Julia (she reads my blogs sometimes) did not want to sleep last night. That made it so I didn't get to sleep very much last night. We are sharing a bed. Yay! I didn't mind sharing until last night. So this morning, she didn't want to get up; neither did I. Jeremiah couldn't sleep last night, so he did his school work. Pretty cool. I didn't know though, so I tried to wake him up. He politely told me that he did his work, and he wanted to sleep until noon. I said okey dokey. So neither kids wakes up...I decided to go back to bed. (Usually the kids not waking up doesn't stop me from continuing to wake them up. I only had a little over 3 hours of sleep. I let it go.)

I checked my email and my phone all day. NOTHING! I did not get any updates. Another reason sleep was good.

I finally took my shower and got dressed (yes, I was in my pajamas all day...I even went on an errand like that) around 5pm. Then I ran an errand with my mom for something for the Oscars. Then my kids called me to meet them at Target. We had a fun evening together.

Jeremiah told me that a few days ago, he saw a red Explorer with a license plate that started exactly like ours. Not only that, but a bald dude with a goatee was driving. He decided to follow the dude to make sure it wasn't Tony. And luckily it was not. Then he asked me if I would rather that have been Tony and he faked his own death and ditched his family...OR would I rather he have died knowing he loved his wife and kids? Wow! That's a tough question. I think I'd rather have it as it is now. Death (with love), I think, would be better than betrayal? Something to think about.

Did I make the point that I didn't hear about Tony's remains? Did I also mention that I didn't get a preliminary autopsy report? It doesn't really matter. I just HATE the waiting game. I chose to have joy today by spending time with the kids. We discussed a lot of things. We had fun. We changed our cell phone service. We got new phones. We laughed at Tony's old password (86753099...do you get it?). We hung out together. We loved. We planned what we were going to do tomorrow night for KidStuf. We talked about behavior. We took videos of Grandma Karen singing to her old junior high record (vinyl) songs. We laughed because that's what Brignolios do...laugh.    JOY

Waiting Day

I was told that there was a big possibility that I would get Tony's remains today. So I waited and waited.... I checked my email this morning, and it said that I would get the preliminary results today. So I waited and waited......

That's right. Nothing. I did miss a phone call during the day, but they didn't leave a message. I have said before that I HATE waiting. So I got to wait today. I guess I will wait tomorrow. Wait...let me go check my email again. Nope. Nothing.

Other than that (constantly waiting for the phone to call and checking the email constantly), the day was pretty good. I paid a couple bills. Found out that I might have 2 people interested in buying my house. That's good. Now I just have to come up with a price.

Tonight we worked on the Silent Auction Baskets for the BNC Youth Oscars. The Oscars are on Saturday! I am looking forward to it. It will be tough, but the kids are so cute. I think I know which baskets I want to bid on. I probably won't win, but I want to bid anyway.

Then I got to sneak out of that and pray with the junior high girls at Youth Group. That was cool. They are really nice. I also worked on getting the buckets ready for children's church on Sunday. That was tedious, so it was good.

I saw a bunch of older couples today. It occurred to me that I didn't get to do that anymore. I don't have anyone to grow old with now. It didn't hurt as much as I thought it would. I was kinda happy about that.

Did I tell you that I checked my phone and my email constantly today? Yep, I thought so. While doing most of the above mentioned activities, I was waiting....and it was fun (not really). But I did choose joy today even while waiting. I talked to the ladies at the pharmacy, and they gave me a card. They all loved Tony. I talked to the boss lady at our mobile home park. She made sure to give me special treatment. She loved Tony. I learned this week that I may not want to go through this, but I can do it. That's my motto for the week. I CAN DO THIS.      JOY

The Week of Firsts

My brain doesn't really want to work today. Yesterday was a hard day. I had to go sign papers that said I was done with Tony's body. I know it's just a body and not him, but it was so final. I super duper lost it. They are supposed to be cremating him today (probably why the brain isn't working). They said that I will probably get him back tomorrow. Yay! (read the "yay" with sarcasm) I quit thinking about it, but that makes it hard to think about anything.

My kids got keepsakes of their dad. Jeremiah chose a key chain. It looks like a lightsaber handle. I thought it looked pretty cool and very appropriate. Julia chose a glass necklace in green for dad's favorite color. It's the one I would have picked for her if I had chosen. Then we got a mini urn in green. It's technically the kids, but it will be around the house for awhile. I don't know what I think about it. It's a beautiful urn. It's not Tony. It's ashes which is kinda disgusting, but it is for the kids. I think they need that. Julia asked me if I was getting a keepsake. I told her if I needed something to remind me of her dad, I would just look at her and her brother. They are very much their father's kids. Sometimes that's hard. Sometimes that's fun.

This Friday night is KidStuf. The last KidStuf was Tony's last one. He did an awesome job. His dad asked me how he memorized his lines. I told him that he didn't. He would get the jist of the lines and then wing it. It was impossible for him to memorize anymore. So I have decided to attend KidStuf, but I don't want to work it. I want to be able to sit in the back and cry as much as I want. Then Saturday is our first family function (my niece's bday). We are making it as easy as possible to have a "Brignolio family function" without one of the Brignolios. 

Saturday night is the BNC Youth Oscars. I love the Oscars. Tony and I have presented an award for quite a few years. Each year we would come up with something bigger and better. Last year, we had to go low key because Tony couldn't handle too much. This year I was going to ask to opt out because I didn't think Tony could do it at all. Now I will opt out because I don't want to do it alone (without Tony). I will be attending. My "girls" (they are sophomores now) are making a video. I am proud of them. I can't wait to see what the rest of "my kids" do for their movies. They are so creative. I love them. They have definitely helped me keep moving on. I don't know what I would do without my BNC "Kids."

This morning I worked in the Nursery. I love those kids too. They force me to get over myself and smile. Luckily we only had 4 cute little ones. (There were 4 kids total. They were all cute.) Yesterday was so tiring that I wanted to fall asleep. Towards the end I did get one little guy to fall asleep. I wanted him longer, so that would give me an excuse to fall asleep, too. After all that, I ate lunch and had a nap. The nap was awesome (except the dogs woke me up with their barking).

So, this is a week of firsts. I am not looking forward to it. It super sucks. Today, I chose to do nothing. I chose to focus on nothing and just have joy. I laughed a lot. I worked with kids of all ages. It gave me a reason to keep moving on.  JOY

This Counts as Sunday

So, here I am, awake at 3:30am. This was Tony's "magical" time (make sure you read "magical" with extreme sarcasm). Somehow he would always wake me up at this time. Either he had to use the bathroom, or he was just getting to sleep. Whatever it was, often I would be awake and unable to go back to sleep. But there's no Tony here this time, so it should be against the law to be awake this early in the morning. Like the title says, this counts as Sunday. Morning hasn't really started, so it's the middle of the night still. This definitely does not count as Monday morning.

So I wanted to write out the reasons I know this is God's timing because I can feel the anger coming. Like I've said before, I'm not looking forward to anger. But I'd do anger a million times before I want to do depression. So here goes.

1. Tony was really, really bad at the end. He would be so miserable now.
2. We only had 7-8 weeks left when he died to be able to file a death suit with the insurance company. That one is amazing.
3. I had a miscarriage many years ago. I thought that was the worst pain a person could possible go through. It showed me that I needed people to get through pain like that. It made me learn how to reach out to others for survival. That has helped me greatly in the last two and a half weeks.
 
Dude, I'm totally stuck here. I know my brain wouldn't shut up earlier about all the reasons. That's another reason that this is still the middle of the night. We can work on more reasons later.

I pretty much gave myself the entire weekend off. We did a normal thing on Saturday and went to the Fabulous Ladies Luncheon. This is something Shari, my mom, Julia, and I have gone to for many years. It's a fun time for a bunch of ladies to get together, talk, and try to with some awesome prizes. Oh, yeah, it also raises money for different charities. So, that was fun. Then Sunday, I decided we'd do things as closely to the "old normal" as possible. It turned out fairly well. I enjoyed the weekend.

Now, I get to get back into the routine of the "new normal." I get to call Bay Area Cremation and PathServe to make sure that everything is completed there. I get to pay them my fortune (thank you everyone for donating to Joy's fortune fund to pay for weird expenses). I get to make sure social security has changed everything for me. I know there's more, but it's the middle of the night. The brain isn't working quite well.

I believe I have written enough to get my brain to shut up enough to go back to sleep. I hope I have written enough to get my brain to shut up enough to go back to sleep. That's why I write...to get my brain to shut up. Yep, the brain is pretty empty now. I can't think of anything else. Yay!!! Something about choosing joy...blah, blah, blah.....sleep.....    JOY