Big Mistake...HUGE

Yesterday, the entire household went to the Exploratorium. I decided that I had a few errands that really needed to get done. I was feeling strong, so I decided this was the day. I went to the lawyers office. It was fine...long but fine. Then I decided to go to my house to pick up a few things and my mail. Still not too bad. I remembered that I hadn't shut off Tony's cell phone, so I decided to do that. As I was waiting to be helped, I checked out my mail. There was something big in there from the lawyer. I decided to read it. It was showing me my new claim (a death lawsuit). Pretty cool, not too bad. Then I made it to a page that showed our original lawsuit. It had Tony's signature on it. A tear squeaked out. Then a dude who works at the phone place comes up to ask me what I needed to do here. I said that I needed to cancel a phone line. He asked if it was mine. I said no, it's my husband's. He started to ask if I had control on the account. I told him my husband had died. He told me he was sorry for my loss. He went up to the counter, and talked to the lady behind the desk. Then he came back and told me she was ready to help me. (With bad Brignolio humor, I thought it was cool that I got special treatment again because my husband had died.) So she asks me what the phone number is. I tell her. It was rather hard. We had matched phone numbers. I didn't think it would be hard. It was. Then she asked for my code (86753099). I giggled, gave it to her, realized it was the last time I would use it, and my eyes filled up with tears. I tell her that I also want to pay off what the balance is...trying to be responsible. She says no way...you don't owe anything. (another perk?) Then she tells me that it's all done. Less than 2 minutes of talking to her, and my husband's account is done. I said thank you. I squeaked out a few tears. The nice dude gave me "the smile" and wished me well. I made it outside, got to my car, and then burst into sobs. These were the big, ugly crying sobs I'm always warning people about. I couldn't even get into the car. I just stood next to it, with my head in my arms, my arms against the car, and just shaking and sobbing...and I knew they could all see me...which made me cry harder. I just kept thinking, "Big mistake...BIG...HUGE." Make sure you read that in Julia Robert's voice from Pretty Woman. It helped to slow the tears.

I decided that I needed shoes. I actually kinda did, but the timing is a little suspicious. I bought a new pair of shoes. I had them cut off the tags, and I wore them out of the store. It made me feel a little better. New shoes are a good healer of emotions.

Then I went to Graceland, so I could look at books on grief...mostly how to help your kids deal with grief. I was looking around when Brian (owner) walks up and asks if I need help. He recognized me (I used to go in there often). I told him what I was looking for. He asked who we had lost. I said my husband. He said he was so sorry, gave me a hug, and helped me find a book. There was one book in particular that he said he always recommended, but they didn't have it on the shelf right now. He looked it up. It was going out of print. He wrote down the info, and then told me to give him my address. He said the book was a gift from him, and he would mail it to me. He's amazing; that's why I used to go in there all the time. When Tony got hurt, I didn't have as much spare time or money to get there very often.

Next, Target...yes, I know, shop therapy. I found stuff for my nieces and nephews Easter baskets. I got jewelry cleaner to clean Tony's ring. See I got real stuff, not just stuff for me that I would regret later.

Then I went to Michael's. I wanted to find a charm to go on a necklace with Tony's ring. So I'm looking and looking and not finding. I asked God to please show me the perfect charm. I saw a random set of shelves away from the other jewelry stuff, and I got excited because I thought this was it. I was going to find my charm. As I got the the shelves, a song came over the radio. It was "Good for Me" by Amy Grant. That song especially, but the entire album was something that Tony and I loved together. We thought of it as "our song" or "our album." I thought that was so funny (not really) that that song came on when I thought I was going to find my charm. I laughed and then teared up. I did not find my charm, but I did buy some stuff.

I decided that the day had been excruciating enough, so I headed home for a nap. THE END   Not really. I still went to a Relay for Life meeting. I missed the last one because it was right after Tony died. A bunch of the ladies there knew, so they just gave me a hug and some love and let me be. It was nice. Then I went to Youth Group. Then I went home and didn't right a blog.

I am glad to have gotten those things done. I am glad to be moving forward, but I am to the point where the sorrow is very painful physically. I don't want to cry because I know it will physically hurt as well as hurt to my innermost being. I am okay with crying because I know that it will help heal me.

I choose joy by getting up and continuing on. I choose joy by planning my new future (even though I won't allow myself to think more than 6 years). I choose joy by buying new shoes (okay that's probably not choosing joy, but they are cute). I choose joy by hanging out with my girls. I choose joy by hanging out with friends. I choose joy by hanging out with my kids. I choose joy by snuggling my dogs (well, they snuggled me while I took my nap...all 3). I choose joy by getting these things out of my head and written down. I choose joy by hugging.      JOY