Music

I'm writing about music, so I don't have to title this "Bah Humbug" or "Merry F***ing Christmas." Sorry about those two titles. Those are my true, down deep feelings.

On to MUSIC. One of the first things I noticed immediately following Tony's death was that I didn't have a song in my head. I begged myself to come up with a song. I'm standing outside the hospital, waiting for my kids and parents to arrive, trying not to hurl, and I'm begging myself to come up with a song...any song. My mind was a complete blank...no music, no lyrics, nothing. That is really weird for me. I usually have at least one song in my head at all times. My mind felt so blank.

Slowly, the music came back. Julia helped me with that by bonding over One Direction. That was very good for both of us. We healed, laughed, learned, sang, danced, and actually enjoyed life to One Direction. I truly thank God for One Direction. That sounds kinda silly, but it's true. I had a hard time with Christian music. So much of it is "mindless." I'm not sure that's the correct word. There's a song with the lyrics "oh, death, where is your sting" or something like that. I would yell in my head and point to myself. Duh, the sting of death is right hear. This is not a "ha ha against death" song. There is genuine pain in death. I understand the real meaning behind the words, but I hated that song. I usually had to leave or change the channel if that song came on. There are many other songs I have a problem with now, but that's the one I remember the most. Other songs remind me of Tony...sometimes that's good, sometimes that's not good. I listen to music I hated before because Tony liked it. I enjoyed a Metallica concert because they sang one of Tony's favorite songs...that was weird for me. But I could remember sitting on the couch and talking about that song.

Christmas songs have been the worst. I cannot stand to listen to Christmas songs. Christmas has always been my favorite holiday. This year I am dreading it. So far the only song I can handle is "Last Christmas" but only the Wham! version. Our worship leader, Bryan, was singing Christmas songs after youth group this week, and I enjoyed those...so that's good. It might have been because I adore Bryan, and I love his singing. I also loved that he didn't know the words and would just go with it. That made me laugh. 

The only time I can sing Christian music out loud has been at youth group. I think it has to do with the kids looking to me to see what I will do. I have always stepped it up when in charge of kids. I often do things I wouldn't normally do when I'm in a "teacher" position. Generally I can sing it in my head, but the words just cannot come out my mouth. That also has been weird. I don't have a reason for this, and I haven't been able to force myself to sing out loud...truly weird. I wonder when I will be able to sing again...by sing, I mean Christian songs...I have no problem singing non-Christian songs...weird...I have an idea why but I'm not ready to get into that right now...

So, to end this, I would like to wish you all a Merry Christmas. I truly hope you have a wonderful holiday. I will be trying to survive it. We are doing something "new" for Christmas this year, so that's good. I'm not in the mood to talk about last Christmas or this Christmas, so there you have it. 

I am choosing joy by waking up each day for at least a couple of hours. I choose joy by turning on my "survival" attitude to get through Christmas. I choose joy by hanging out with girlfriends even when it might be out of my comfort zone (Thank you, ladies, for Bunco night). I choose joy by listening to 1D. I choose joy by hanging out with my kids. I choose joy by doing stupid things. I choose joy by choosing to laugh...a lot...and loudly...and enjoying it.                              JOY

If I Had a Voice

This is what I want to say, but I feel as if I have no voice. This is to the lawyers, insurance adjusters, etc. who have been working hard at making my life miserable. That’s just my opinion.

Five years ago, my husband was injured on the job. From the moment I saw him after that injury, my life was forever changed. I had to re-teach my husband the alphabet. I had to explain that he was a year and a month behind in his memories. I had to show him pictures and tell him stories of the things we had done and the places we had gone. I had to help him remember to shut off the stove when he wanted to cook. I had to hope that when he took the dogs for a walk, he would remember how to get back home. One day he couldn’t remember how to get home. We used to love to window shop. I soon saw my husband curled up on the floor of the mall because he couldn’t handle it anymore.

Six months into the injury, he was finally approved for Rehab Without Walls. I was so relieved seeing him start to get better. They were teaching him how to retrain his brain and lots of other things. Then the two week trial ended and didn’t get renewed. That’s the last improvement I ever saw from my husband. Things consistently got worse. Soon we had to purchase a motorized scooter, so he could attend day trips with the family. We had to plan family times to only be two to three hours because he would pass out randomly after that amount of time.

The last four months of his life were getting really bad. I had to acknowledge that I no longer had a husband who could help me. I had a husband who was physically there but not much else. His memory was horrendous. He had false memories. He had many gaps in his memory. The kids felt like he didn’t love them because he couldn’t remember what they said.

The last week and a half of his life was the worst thing I have ever seen. He was constantly shaking. He had problems walking… Imagine being woken up at 2am by your husband who is stuck in the living room. He can’t move his feet. He’s stuck half way between the kitchen and the living room. He’s shaking so hard that his snuggie is falling off, and he can’t move to put it back on. I tried to help him move, but he just fell against a wall. How is a 5’ woman supposed to move a 6’ man? I know. This is just an emotional rant now.

I was told by the doctor who was with him when he died, that I should have expected my husband to have a heart attack. I was told by another doctor (after my husband died) that these things that were happening to him during his last days were symptoms of a pending heart attack. These are things I heard after he died. I had done everything I could to get these symptoms checked. I rushed him to a doctor to be seen. I was told that they would ask the insurance adjuster again, but that was all he could do. While waiting to get these symptoms checked, my husband died. These were symptoms that had been with him since the beginning of the injury. I have gone back and looked at his records and can see where the doctor made a note of his shaking. Of course, by the time he died the shaking was much more intense. I often wonder what would have happened if we had received longer Rehab Without Wall. I also wonder what would have happened if the doctor requests were approved instead of consistently being denied.

I feel that an offer of $50,000 is a slap in the face to me and my children. We are homeless right now because of what has happened with my husband. We are still trying to piece our lives together. We lost almost everything. Everything I own is in two storage units and a bedroom that my kids and I live in. I know it’s not your job to care, but a fair offer would be four and a half years of permanent disability instead of two years. Another reasonable offer would be four and a half years of the salary he lost when he was injured. If you truly want to pretend that you understand your part in my husband’s disability, you could even offer a realistic amount of money.

 

Let me introduce you to my family. We were happy. We helped out in our community. We loved each other. Now the father is dead. The mother is having to learn how to be a single mom, juggling work with taking care of the kids. The son is trying to be the man of the family now even though he lost his childhood early. The daughter has extreme anxiety and cannot see a doctor or therapist about it because it causes panic attacks. This is what I’m striving for. I would love to have a realistic settlement, so I can focus on raising my kids. I want to have time to be able to show and teach my son how to be a man. I want to be able to show my daughter that life is safe because we have a home to live in.

One last thing. I feel that for four and a half years we fought so hard to be heard and helped. We were honest and truthful. We didn’t make up things to try to get more money. We lived on what we were given. We got rid of most of our bills including TV and internet. We worked on being satisfied with what we had. I feel that you thought that we weren’t being honest. Almost every doctor we dealt with saw who my husband was and saw his disability. They all agreed that we were honest about what was going on. I can show you proof through pictures and videos of the things I have been describing as symptoms of his disability. We have been consistently honest, and I would like you to acknowledge that by offering a reasonable settlement. That’s it. I have tried to write this without a ton of emotions, but I am angry and hurt. It’s only been 9 months. I am still working on figuring out my “new normal” life.      JOY

My New Life Motto (to go along with my new life)

I recently wrote on facebook that my new life motto is...If I have to live, then I want to laugh. This new motto just popped out of my mouth when I was with my personal trainer at the gym. (I have a personal trainer because I have no idea how to get into shape, and I have no idea how to use the machines.) We were talking about my road trip with the kids. I'll tell you about that in a little bit. She said that she was amazed at how much she laughs when she is with me...especially considering the fact that I am a recent widow. Then these infamous words popped out. The more I thought about them, the more I thought about how accurate they are. I am not really fond of living. I choose to live because I have two wonderful birth children who need me. I also have tons of other kids whom I love and would not want them to have to go through another death. There's other reasons why I choose to live, quite a few actually, but these are the top 2. Okay, fine...number 3 is for my family and friends...I wouldn't want to put another death on them either...

Laughing has become a major way of life for me. I've always liked to laugh, but I laughed most when I was with Tony. I liked to make people laugh, but I had limits as to what I would do. The new me LOVES to laugh. The new me NEEDS to laugh. I now do crazy things so I can laugh...especially if it will give me a fun memory. There's more to this, but I will wait until later to tell you what kind of crazy I have now done. I have noticed that I have changed...and not just a little...I am a new person...I'm not quite sure what I feel about that. One of the things that happened right after Tony died, was that my kids noticed where they missed their dad. It was the things he laughed at. It was the things he did to make them laugh. It was the things he did to make them feel special. They each asked me to allow them to say the "dad" things to me and try to have a "dad" reaction to them. It was hard at first. Now I realize that the new me does that. I have noticed that I say things that Tony would say because no one is there to say it. It just pops out. Half the time I will apologize for it, but the kids find it funny. I am finding that living this way is much less stressful...weird...who would have thought... Now I am doing things that Tony might have done...it just happens...or I just can't see a reason not to do it...to make people laugh...to cross something off the bucket list (mine or Tony's)...to just be able to laugh. I am enjoying those moments. I am enjoying those memories. I am amazed at my changes...sometimes I don't recognize myself.

Now, on to the road trip stories. I know you've been waiting anxiously for them. The trip originated with Jeremiah getting two tickets to see Craig Ferguson. Do not watch him just because I mentioned him. He has a filthy mouth and a raunchy sense of humor. He also has a "Brignolio" sense of humor. I accidently started my family watching him when one of my favorite bands was on his show. Tony loved the humor and started watching. He couldn't wait for the day when he was good enough (health-wise) to go see his show in person. Anyway, Jeremiah invited me to have his second ticket. I said, "YES!!!!! I mean, sure, honey, I will go along with you on a road trip." He admitted later that he invited me because he didn't have the money. I told him I knew that, but I wasn't going to give up an excuse to go on a trip my son invited me on. So that's how it began.

My son likes to do road trips differently than I do. If he sees something during the trip that intrigues him, he stops and checks it out. I now enjoy this way of travelling.We found many new and unusual things...things that others are curious about and never know what it is... It was pretty awesome. There's a western place at the Kettleman City exit on I5 that has a cute playground complete with old building facades with stairs and slides in them. This is a fun little stop. We found a random island that has a weird bridge connecting to it. We couldn't go on it...but we tried...we pretended we were just tourists taking pictures... Universal Studios is really where the crazy started. There's this video on youtube where  2 dudes connect hands going opposite ways on an escalator. Jeremiah said I should do this. I said, "You do it." So he did. He even looked into the other person's eyes as he did it. Then he said it was my turn.......oops.....what did I get myself into? So the first one (yes, first one) was a kids who had his hand out hanging over the edge. I reached out and grabbed his fingers. I couldn't look at him after that. After a few moments, I found it hilarious. Jeremiah enjoyed it. The next time I put my hand over on their hand rail...the lady gave me a weird look...then moved her hand...before she got to my hand. That was fun. And the final one (dun, dun, dun) was a bit unnverving. I slid my hand up this ladies hand...but I got my hand stuck in her bracelet...not planned...I was afraid she was going to think I was stealing her bracelet...... It was awesome...not...but I did find it hilarious...later. We also photo bombed as much as possible. We got sprayed with water on tons of rides (if you are Jeremiah, you got sprayed in the mouth every single time). We hung out with friends. We took selfies with famous people (in the wax museum). We took ridiculous pictures with celebs (in the wax museum). Then we drove north the get Julia and headed to Monterrey. The aquarium was really crowded, but the surrey was fun (it wasn't but I'm trying to be positive for the kids). We got retro candy. We went to the beach. We "accidently" walked through a photo shoot at the beach. Julia froze a wet wash cloth, and then stuck in on Jeremiah. They froze a block of ice and then threw it off the second floor of the hotel while they filmed it. This is the short version. We had a great time. We laughed. I realized I was different. I realized that I kinda liked the new me. I realized that my kids liked the new me.

Anyway...how did I choose joy? I chose joy when I allowed us to go driving without definitive plans and no reservations. I chose joy when I chose to do funny, stupid things. I chose joy when I didn't make us stay at the aquarium all day because "I spent so much money that we are going to enjoy ourselves until we have used up every ounce of the time." I chose joy when I rented a surrey even though I remembered how much I hate them. I chose joy by being flexible. I chose joy by finding things to laugh about and at.                              JOY

Uncomfortable Blog

I have no idea what I really want to write about. Well, I do...but I am not too keen on posting it. Julia reminded me that I can write it but not publish it. 

The SF Giants just made it to the World Series. I should be happy, but I'm sad. Am I sad or just feeling sad because of all the yucky stuff that's happening?

I've been coming up with tons of horrendous halloween costumes...really they are Brignolio humor awesome...pregnant lady, grim reaper, Jony (half Tony/half Joy), Mrs. Claus, disco king with my own disco ball balloon and leisure suit....I could go on.....

The real thing I'm struggling with is that I'm missing Tony in a physical sense. Watch out...this may be PG-13. I am now pretending that no one will be reading this. I don't talk about this kind of stuff. I only started talking about this stuff when I realized that my kids will hear it from somebody, and I'd rather it be me that they hear it from. Really all I'm craving is a long, non-safe-place hug (for all of you not working in the Children's Department at BNC, a safe place hug is a one-armed side hug) and possible a toe-curling kiss. I know me though. If a kiss can make my toes curl, I would probably want more (I've been married...I've enjoyed what comes next.) I wouldn't do anything about it, but my brain would focus on it for a long time. It would make it so much worse and so uncomfortable to be in my brain. So it's not going to happen. I sarcastically thought about putting an ad out for a dude who would give me a no-strings-attached long hug and fab kiss. The requirements would be a man not related to me, nowhere close to my son's age, not married or dating, cute would be a bonus, undecided about facial hair, taller than me (should be easy), not smelly...that's as far as I made it on the requirements. If you would like to apply for the job, feel free to text me at 925-628-NotHappening. I would really prefer someone who looks like Tony, acts like Tony, smells like Tony.....is Tony. Anything else is a bit creepy (I was going to say nasty, but that made me feel a bit uncomfortable...having been married to Tony...it would have been accompanied by a snicker). But this craving is causing this massive ache inside. My heart just hurts so much. I start crying as I write this because the ache is so strong, so painful. I have taken moments to hang out with guys just so I can remember what it was like to be around my man. I still love my man ferociously, so anyone else is just yucky physically. I begin to wonder if I will ever feel loved again, if someone will look at me with that complete love and adoration in their eyes. I have had the ultimate dream, a man who thought I was pretty, who loved me when I didn't love myself, who looked out for me, who tried to fix all things for me... Will I ever get to feel this again? Do I want to feel this again? It obviously won't be Tony, so I don't know if I even want it. I want to be loved, but I want to be loved by Tony.

This is definitely the hardest blog I have written. The others may have been yucky or painful, but this one has me sobbing. I'm hoping that by writing it, I will be able to move on. That has been the pattern from the past. So here's hoping that I will be able to give up this craving. That it will be subdued. Life was not always good with Tony. We had many terrible years, but the last ones we finally made it to heaven on earth (if you ignore watching your husband deteriorate mentally and physically).

So, how have I chosen joy? I haven't really. I don't have enough energy to fight for joy. I have woken up each day, eaten at least one meal each day, and fought hard to find things funny (sometimes hilariously funny) (sometimes inappropriately funny...sorry to those who I was inappropriate with...with my words), worked out at the gym, hung out with my kids (have I said lately how awesome my kids are?), tried to enjoy the Giants games....... So, I guess, in a weird way, that's as much choosing joy as I can at the moment.

So, there you go. Will I hit the publish button or not? At this moment, I'm not sure. Originally I said no. Now I might just so my brain will shut up. Please don't look at me funny. Don't give me the look. Don't make fun of me...unless I'm in a good mood...I love laughing. That's it.                              JOY

My Anniversary Trip

So first I want to explain why we were married on September 26. It had to do with when the baseball season was. Tony played baseball back then in a semi-pro league. We also were Giants fans. So that meant that we needed to be married in February/March before the season began, end of September between the regular season and post season (it used to be that way), or end of October (and after) when the season was over. We chose September 26 which happened to be a Saturday which also just happened to be exactly a week before my parents' anniversary. There you have it...it all started with baseball.

Last Christmas, I received my customary 6 pack of SF Giants tickets! I love getting this present. We got to go once a month for the entire season! The last ticket of the season was September 25. I joked with Tony that I was going to see the Giants for my anniversary, and he didn't get to go.

With all the other firsts that have happened, I now knew that the days preceding the BIG first are much worse than the actual day. I didn't want my Giants game to suck, so I started dreaming. Around this time I became a Gamer Babe on Facebook. These are a great group of ladies (and some men...we call them Gamer Dudes) who also LOVE the Giants. This has been a wonderful group for me...very supportive. They mentioned a Giants-themed suite in a hotel in San Francisco. I started dreaming more. I contacted the lady who is the Gamer Babe contact for the hotel. She gave me a Gamer Babe discount! (I accidentally TMI-ed her and told her all about Tony...that's not why she gave me the discount.) So I booked the Dugout Suite at the Hotel Union Square. They gave me some presents to celebrate my anniversary...2 bottles of wine, some Ghiradelli chocolate, and a t-shirt. They treated us royally. It was awesome!

This began my big dreaming. I decided to upgrade our September 25 tickets. We ended up behind home plate! I forgot to tell you...I went with 2 of my best friends (and fellow Gamer Babes) Shari and my mom. We get our 6 pack of tickets together every year. (I love how I keep changing tense...yep, I noticed.)

This was the night they celebrated their entry into the Wild Card position of the post season. They showed all the partying on the big screen. They won their game! It was so cool. I forgot to tell you...we went to Lefty O'Doul's for lunch (dinner is always at the park). That was a first and a fun time. Before the game started, we walked around the ballpark and checked out the Giants Wall of Fame (or whatever they call it). We got lots of comments on our Gamer Babe shirts (see above picture). It was such an amazing day. I couldn't have asked for more. But wait...there's more!

After spending the night in the awesome Giants suite, we checked out and met Shari's husband, Chris, for lunch. Then we went back to the ballpark and went across the bridge to see the Willie McCovey statue and awards plaques. That was pretty cool. We spent quite a bit of time just enjoying the weather and the water. Right before we went on this walk, we went to McDonald's to get a drink and use the bathroom. This dude/employee of SF Giants was looking at his phone and at us. It was a little weird, but people had been looking at us all day because of our Giants garb. A little bit later, he came up and said that he had a picture to show us. It was of some totally dressed up Giants fans. It was us! He had taken out picture a few months before because of how Giants-up we were. So we took a picture with him, and then a picture of the picture he took of us. It was really weird and funny and totally random. (I don't have those pictures yet.)

After we chilling out at the McCovey statue, we went to the store and then to the Public House to meet other Gamer Babes. While we were there we saw Robbie Thompson (I probably spelled his name wrong.) Then Mike LaCoss came and joined us. He's a friend of the main Gamer Babe. We got our picture with him, and I made my mom run over to the store and buy me a baseball...so I could get an autograph as well. We got to talk to him and the Gamer Babes until the gates opened for the game. It was so cool. I got to thank the main Gamer Babe for her group. I told her that it had come at the perfect moment for me. (She knew what the day was for me...my anniversary.) In case you didn't know, Mike LaCoss was a pitcher for the Giants. He was in the '89 World Series...I didn't tell him that I was an A's fan at that time.

Now we are at our 2nd Giants game in a row. We got seats in the Arcade. When we got there we realized that we were directly above the Ks that get turned over during the game. We tried to reach them, but we were too short. The Ks kept getting closer and closer. We asked some other people to turn it over for us, but they left. The next K was going to be Shari's...and the game ended! Whew! After the game, the people next to us pulled up a K to take a picture with it. So we asked to do the same after them. They kindly took our picture for us. Sadly the Giants lost this game. That was the only downer during the entire trip. Everything else was absolutely perfect. I know a bunch of you were praying. I found it amusing that there was probably people praying for the Giants to win just so I'd have a nice trip. Thanks friends.

So...I chose joy this entire trip. I chose not to have any sad or negative thoughts. I enjoyed every moment. I enjoyed hearing Tony's favorite songs. I enjoyed hearing "our" song...one of them. I enjoyed thinking of Tony. I chose joy.                                            JOY


P.S. Here's the morbid Brignolio humor...turn away now if it will offend you.

Tony made everything a contest, so I said, "I made it to my 22nd Anniversary! Tony didn't, but I did. I win!"

My trip to the ER

So it all began before most people realize, before I realized. I set myself up for pain. Tuesday Julia and I were headed down with friends to attend an concert band have some fun. So it all began on Monday. 

I recently signed up for a gym membership. I am at the heaviest I have ever been...by far. So being a newbie at the gym, I signed up to get trained. I figured I might need to know how to use the equipment. So I chose Monday to get trained. Genius. It wouldn't have been so bad if I hadn't seriously pushed it to prove something (I don't know who I was proving it to or what I was trying to prove). I so totally overdid it that my legs just shook just walking, and it hurt to hold my own weight. My abs were sore, too, but not as bad as my legs.

So Tuesday comes around, and I hurt so much that all I want to do is stay home and sleep. But it was time to go on an adventure. It was a nice day for traveling. We had fun, but it hurt every time I got out of the car. We were in an SUV, so it was a drop to get to the ground. I felt it every time. Still my traveling companions were awesome. 

On Wednesday we went to Universal Studios. It was super hot. I tried to drink water. It was super hot. Did I mention that? My body hurt so much that I couldn't hear the rest of my body telling me to cool down and drink more water. It was a fun day. 

On Thursday, I chilled all day trying to build up strength for the concert that night. The whole reason for the trip was the One Direction concert. It was an early birthday present for Julia. Even better was that 5 Seconds of Summer was opening for them. Even better was that I got a huge telephoto lens for my iPhone! It was awesome, but super hot. I once again triednto drink water, but I forgot. It was my fault. We had a great time until the last song when I decided I was going to be sick. It went downhill from there. See? Everything was great until I got sick. 

Then it went from yucky to terrible. I called for an ambulance. Went to the hospital. Got lots of shots, CT scan, xrays, hydration stuff, pain meds. Then they sent me home. An hour after I got back to a hotel, I was tossing my cookies again, but there weren't any cookies. After a few hours, they told me I had to go back to the hospital. They did more tests and more hydration. I spent the night. Julia and the awesome family we came down with left after I returned to the hospital. My friend, Dawn Marie, came to the hospital to be with me. Then my Uncle Craig. Then, finally my family arrived (mom, dad, and Jeremiah). I stayed in the hospital most of this day as well. I tried to convince them to give me some info. When we got to 4pm and nothing, I started getting mouthy. I started using words like "release me" and "let me sign myself out." When the nurser started talking in circles again about when I could be released, I used words like "how long" and "one hour or 30 minutes, how about 15 minutes." I began to realize that a lot of my an pain was from the bed. I got a bit ticked. The doctor finally came in to tell me my results...nothing wrong...should stay the night...more blooodwork in the morning... I said "NO!" I want to go home. He asked if I had eaten anything. I said no, the hospital hadn't fed me yet today. That's another sore spot. So he says he will send me home when I have eaten something. He leaves. My nurse eventually comes back in and says that he has started my release paperwork. I wanted to kiss him. But I stunk and was really yucky. So 20 minutes later I am finally released!!!!!

We ended up going to Uncle Craig's house for bread and water for me and real food for everyone else. Then we slept. The next morning we headed home! We made it home!!!! I survived. I learned a lesson. And now I just finished eating my first meal in 4 1/2 days!!

So there's my saga. Awesome, huh? So what did I learn? I will let you know some other time...maybe. 

Mixed Emotions

I really want to write about my Alaskan Family Reunion (Wacky Monkey) Cruise. But it's been really hard because I have such mixed emotions. I want to write about meeting one of Tony's friends, but it's hard because I have such mixed emotions. I want to write about speaking to the Youth Group, but it makes me kinda uncomfortable. (You thought I was going to say "mixed emotions" didn't you?)  I want to write about the Father Daughter Dance, but it's hard because I have such mixed emotions. I want to tell you about my plans for my upcoming anniversary....but...I have such mixed emotions.

There are so many good things about life. I want to shout it out so everyone can hear. Then I turn to tell Tony....and all of a sudden, I'm not so happy...the water works begin. (Have I told you recently how much I HATE crying?)

The Hard Things
1. The Cruise
I have only been on cruises with Tony. This cruise was on our (his) bucket list.

2. Ty Gagnon
This was one of Tony's most recent friends. He coached with Tony during fall ball. He was there when Tony collapsed. I just recently learned that he was the one who saw Tony, and told someone to call 911.

3. Youth Group
I wanted to talk about Friends and Friendship, but I got interrupted by God. I talked about depression and suicide. (not too hard, see, just a little uncomfortable)

4. Father Daughter Dance
I kept remembering Tony at the last one. I had to watch my daughter attend with her brother (awesome, I know, but painful).

5. 22nd Anniversary
I was so looking forward to my 25th. Ask me about this one. I have many things planned. If you can think of something to keep my mind off the anniversary thing, let me know.

The Awesome Things
1. My family is crazy weird. It's so cool. We laughed a lot. We shopped tons. It was awesome. Our room had a balcony, so we could see the ocean, the glaciers, whales, jellyfish, salmon...it was gorgeous. They had the most delicious dessert ever. Yummy. It was so good.

2. Tony's coach friend, Chris Jacot (he's my friend too), his wife (Cheryl), Linda Taylor (another of Tony's coach friend's wife), and I went to a Modesto Nuts game. Ty ended up pitching while we were there. It was really fun. Linda won a prize! We got to talk to Ty after the game. I gave him a hug (he gave me his hand for a hand shake, I gave him that, then a hug), and told him that I was thankful that he was there for Tony. I also got to meet Ty's mom and sister. It was a fun night.

3. I have experienced deep depression. I have actually made the decision to kill myself, but God intervened. I have some survivor's guilt about that. Not so much now that Tony is gone. I understand why I needed to live. I talked to the kids about the levels of depression. I told them about the lies they will hear that won't help. I told them steps to do to try to not reach the actually suicide decision time. It was good. I told them that if they didn't have someone in the world to talk to, I would be that person. Then I gave out my cell number. But I told them I only text. Of course, I got a million texts and a phone call. They are so cute.

4. The kids made matching shirts. We bought black t-shirts. We used a bleach pen on them and drew on ties. Jeremiah had a solid tie, and Julia had a striped tie. They looked adorable. I asked them to do one dance. They humored me. They stood facing each other, staring down at their own personal electronic devices while people danced near them. They are sooooo cute. They also sent me a selfie, so I had proof they were on the dance floor. I love them.

5. Most of the good stuff centers around the Giants. After a cry-y day today, I don't really want to talk about it. Feel free to ask me. I get animated when talking about the Giants. I love them, too.


So there you have it. Many topics, many mixed emotions. I'm trying to choose joy; however I also try to sleep 24/7 right now. I also try not to cry. Most of these are not working too well. You can look through the "Awesome Things" list to see the ways I'm using to choose joy.                      JOY

The 6 Month Wait for the Autopsy

I'm not sure which is better...waiting for the results from Tony's autopsy or receiving them.  The instinctual answer is receiving the results is definitely better. However, now it is DONE.

So the "pros" of being in the waiting part...I can get angry at someone I have never met and never will (and he has no idea how angry I am). Being angry is less painful than thinking about the finality of death. I can get angry at something that is completely beyond my control. 

The "cons" of the waiting...I begin to doubt. I fear the worst (they lost his body parts, they messed up). I don't have closure. I'm waiting, and waiting sucks. I think of all the worst-case scenarios. 

Now the "pros" of knowing...it's done. I don't have to wait for that part of life anymore. 

And the "cons" of knowing...being hit with the absolute finality of that part of my life. There is no going back. My dreams of my future are absolutely gone. Now begins the waiting game with the settlement (if there will be one). Now I have to start the waiting to see if the insurance company will admit they were wrong (because they were). I would love an apology, but I know I won't receive one. 

How have I been choosing joy recently? Thanks for asking. I'm moving on with my life. I'm hanging with Tony's coach friends (my friends too). I'm talking to fellow widows...little known fact, most widows I know hate the word "widow." I'm talking about Tony. I'm remembering Tony. I'm watching and talking baseball. I'm enjoying the gorgeous full moon. I'm finding humor in weird places. So there you have it. Life sucks, but I'm trying to see the non-sucky parts. Choosing joy...sometimes.                                   JOY


Oops! I forgot to tell you the results...he died from a heart attack. It says it in huge ginormous words. It also says that his brain was donated to the Mayo Clinic. I think that's cool. He will help in the education and learning of concussions. FYI, he was an organ donor, but because of the way he died he ewasnt able to donate. Now his brain has been donated, and he will hopefully be able to help others. There's some joy. 

Reader's Choice

I have so many things to write about. My brain is going wild. I have too many topics, so I would like help. Please choose what topic interests you, so I can begin writing again. Having too many topics is making it hard to write. Of course, the depression doesn't help. If you have questions or things you are curious about, you can add that, too. 

1. The pros and cons of taking a cruise that was on your deceased husband's bucket list. 
2. Anger vs. Depression in the world of grief. 
3. 6 months and no autopsy result. 
4. Acceptance and Bargaining in grief world. 
5. Joy's clubs she's created to make it easier (funnier?). 

Yay! I wrote something! Now please help me out and vote. Or submit a question. Or whatever. Choose joy!                             JOY

Depression

Almost as soon as Tony died, I began researching the stages of grief. I decided that I wanted to be prepared. This time (as opposed to when my daughter, Rose, died), I was going to grieve on my time. A bit arrogant, I realize. I saw that there would be anger. I was terrified of that one. I said, "I will do anything but not anger." Then I saw that there would be depression. Then I said, "I will do anything including anger but not depression."

I have suffered from depression for many years...also anxiety. This is a chemical imbalance in me. I have tried the reading the Bible, praying, and relying on God. I have done the medications. I still have random moments of complete panic, that I cannot talk myself out of. This is just to let you know, that I KNOW depression, and I don't like it.

So depression creeped up on me. I was amazed how different "grief depression" was for me than my "regular depression." It's a bit hard to explain. "Regular depression" for me is "just" wanting to sleep, feeling hopeless (knowing that usually it will eventually go away), etc. I can escape it during the day when hanging out with friends. "Grief depression" was so much deeper. I wanted to sleep. I couldn't escape it even when I was with friends. I could kinda laugh, but the depression and heaviness was still there. I cried incessantly. I was afraid to hope...I didn't want to hope...I tried hard not to hope. I eventually figured it out with my therapist/counselor/friend. We decided that hope was my new 4-letter word (h***)...I enjoyed that...and actually laughed...first time in a few days/weeks. I was afraid to hope because the last big thing I hoped for (Tony's healing) was taken away from me...suddenly...painfully...beyond my imaginings. I did not want to hope for anything else ever again. Hope hurts. If you hope for it, God may take it away. (That's what I was thinking.)

What helped me deal with anger was that I could break things when I felt like it. I could hit things when I needed to. As long as I didn't hurt anyone or anything (other than things I purchased for the purpose of breaking), I could use this to help with my anger. It worked.

We worked on what would help with the depression. I didn't think there would be anything. My therapist/counselor/friend and I talked it through. I decided that I would "challenge" my hopes...possibly even "challenging" God with my hopes. I would write down all my hopes, and then I could say, "There, God, these are my hopes. Go ahead and take them." Of course, this was not said in the humble, obedient way. I did this in the "I dare you" way. It might be wrong, but it helped me. I have been able to let my hopes go. I didn't mean for it to be a good thing, but then God is good. Since that day, I have felt a relief. I can laugh. I can be happy. I don't feel like sleeping constantly (when I say sleep, I mean hibernate). I still kinda want to cry suddenly without warning. (That sucks.) I still don't have much confidence in my hopes. I am still afraid to have them. I have a few big ones that I have told God about, but that's it.

So what's next? Which step of grief will I encounter next? I am still not over the anger. I still want to hit things and break things. I don't know about the depression. It's been a few days without the deep stuff. I hope that lasts.

Choosing joy...during the "grief depression", this was impossible...not exaggerating. I would try to choose joy...not really....there was not choosing...there was just sleep and crying... The last few days I have been trying to choose joy in the small everyday things...creating things at work...prepping for vacation...enjoying my kids...  So there it is. Choose joy except when you're depressed (just kidding).                                             JOY

Happy Birthday to Me

Today is my birthday. It comes with mixed feelings. 

I used to have terrible birthdays every year. It got so bad that I would start looking for what was going to go wrong. It became kinda like a joke. It would be funny if it didn't suck. Then I decided then actual day didn't matter that much. I began to celebrated for a few days or weeks or even a month. My body became less stressful. The actual day began to get better. It was pretty cool. I learned this technique of not putting so much pressure or expectation on the one special day. 

Tony and I used to watch Mad About You on TV. The main dude character always had bad things happen on his body. It felt good to know I wasn't the only one (ssshhh...you don't need to remind me that it is a fictional character). This one episode something bad happens on his body and he says something like "its okay...at least last year was good." So they think back to the year before, and something bad happens. So he says the same thing, and they think back to the year before that. Once again something bad happens. This goes on for a few years. Tony and I got such a laugh at that. We (really just me) began to relax more for bdays and just have fun and be flexible. We spread the bday out. It has become fun. I enjoy bdays now. 

So I began today by going to social security. I know...be jealous! It took my number being called once, being sent back to sit, my name getting called, being given forms to fill out and sitting back down, and then getting my name called again to accomplish what I needed. After 2 1/2 hours, I received some awesome, amazing news. I will continue to get financial help even after Jeremiah turns 18 tomorrow!!! I should get financial help until Julia turns 18 (unless a miracle happens and I don't need it anymore). So that was a good way to start my bday. 

Well the day really started at midnight when my cousin and I tried to beat each other to the bday wishes. She was born on my 1st bday. She is the greatest bday present I have ever had. Just in case you want to know, this was my 41st bday.. I told her I would quit telling people how old she was. 

So on to the new.... There was this moment when everyone was singing Happy Birthday. I was smiling, having a god time, looked down at the candle, and wondered what would be my wish this year....... I realized that my wish could not come true (I want Tony). I had to rephrase it in my head...what is your wish that could actually happen.... Not so fun. 

I felt truly loved and not alone with all my family and friends being with me and sending me messages. That part was good. I wanted to cry a few times...not so good...I hate crying...especially on my bday. I wanted today to be a no-cry day. I already spend most of yesterday sleeping, moping, and crying. 

Today I chose joy by focusing on my cousin's big day, my family and friends who worked hard to make it a happy day, and enjoying my kids (especially with helping my tiny, baby boy make plans for tomorrow...his 18th bady).                     JOY

The Sandwich Method

While teaching, I was taught to use the sandwich method when talking to parents. I got used to it. I find myself using it randomly. I didn't really want to write this one until I remembered the sandwich method. 

The Sandwich Method...Never Give Bad News First!! Start with something happy or positive. Throw in the bad or needs improvement. End with some more positive. You leave the conversation feeling happy or positive. 

Happy fact...through my sorrow I have been seeing God. I found an adorable house I could totally see myself living in. (If you know me then this is something big...seeing a future.)  Anyone want to buy it for me and let me rent from you? I can't afford it, but one day I probably will be able to get something...praying for the perfect house when I have the money...not if...when...positive thinking. Also, out of the blue, my lawyer called. They need me to sign a paper. They have also obviously looked over the papers I dropped off. No updates, but they haven't forgotten me. 

Here it comes. The part that makes me cry. I had a minor setback in the grief/anger/depression this week. I realize that part of the problem is that this pain is so much more severe than anything I have ever felt. I thought the death of my daughter hurt. I could only curl up in a ball, cry, and say that it hurts...literally...no exaggeration. The loss of my husband is so much more than that. I want to curl up in a ball, cry, and say it hurts, but then I can't breathe. I start panicking that I might need to call 911 because it hurts so much to breathe. Then there's this pain deep inside...it hurts worse then all the times I have broken bones. All of this at the same time. Holy cow, it feels like dying. I don't know that for sure, but wow it hurts. I can only handle it for a short time. Then I have to work on my breathing, so I don't panic. 

I also realized that part of the double whammy is doing it alone...without my husband...who was the final say in all our major decisions...and I did this continuously for more than half my life...my entire adult life...over 20 years. Now I NEED to talk stuff over with someone, and the one I have always discussed things with is gone. Not only that, but the stuff I want to talk about is about him. Wow it hurts.

Now more happy, I hope. I chose joy this week by looking at a potential new house. I chose joy this week by moving in my old dresser...Tony used it last. It feels comfortable. It makes me feel good. I chose joy by using the sandwich method to write this. I was totally depressed knowing that I had to write this...my brain wouldn't shut up...I knew it wouldn't shut up until I wrote it.  I remembered my old training (I think I might have been eating a sandwich), and things looked better. So I chose joy. It was hard and painful, but I did it.                                                          JOY

Buddy Bears

A little know fact about Buddy Bears...or maybe just long forgotten...Tony and I used to be Buddy leaders...and we loved competing to see whose team would win...we were on separate teams...usually younger kids...and we had so much fun with our kids to beat each other's team.........

We also did the skits together. That was fun. Eventually we got burned out a bit...then he couldn't get off work because summer was his busy season. Then he got hurt. He managed to come back one year to do skits. Then it was too much for him. So he stayed home, packed lunches for the kid, washed all our shirts, and listened to the stories every night. Then we'd reminisce about the good old days when we competed. Now it's me...with memories...

I love Buddy Bears. I love the people. I love most of the kids. This year I'd prefer to survive it, hide out in the office, and pretend that all is right in the world. 

I have come to a physical acceptance that Tony is gone. I still want to cry all the time and for seemingly no reason. I still get crazy angry that this is my new normal. I have a snow globe on my desk at work...that is not there for its beauty...it is there so I can break it if I feel the anger overpowering me...just looking at it and knowing I have that option calms me down enough to deal...

This weekend is some more firsts. Saturday is Jeremiah's grad party. We are doing it with a bunch of his friends who also graduated. That should be fun (not sarcasm). Then comes Sunday...Father's Day...  I love my fathers, but this is a hard holiday. My dad will be feeling guilty for surviving a heart attack when his son-in-law didn't (sorry dad for sharing). The other dads just lost their son, so I feel that by saying "Happy Father's Day" I am just reminding them of this fact. Then comes my kids. They just lost their dad..........yep, this should be fun (definitely sarcasm). Jeremiah is going to camp that day, so Julia and I talked about going to see a sad movie so we could cry like crazy and blend in...not have to explain why. 

So this is where I talk about choosing joy. I am in small ways, but I feel like just saying "blah blah blah choose joy blah blah.".          JOY

Graduation

This week I am back to sad. I thought I was doing okay. I got a lot of things moved out of my house. I was able to give things to people who needed it. Awesome! I got to throw things away. Fun! It was going all fine and dandy...then I was asked about a stupid little lunch box. I lost it. It was from California Adventure shortly after it opened. We got it in an area we loved to walk through many times a day. I didn't realize that this would be the thing that would bring me to grieve. I kept it. It has wonderful memories. I had a few friends over who hugged me, cried with me, and prayed for me. The best part of the day was watching James Dirk pull out our measuring pole. It is a post in the living room that we marked the kids' heights on twice a year. Tony used to measure them in June around Jeremiah's bday, and then again around Christmas. I am happy we get to take it with us. 

My tiny baby boy is graduating from high school. I had to stop writing this blog for a few days because it was too hard. I tried a few times to continue it. Let's see how far I get this time. I think when most parents have a child they dream of the coming milestones. This was one that Tony and I had talked about. This was the one graduation Tony was truly looking forward to. We had pictured it. We had dreamed it. We had envisioned it. It was our first child, our boy, and he was graduating. 

This no longer looks like our dream. When my kids receive their awards this year, it will be just me. When we take family graduation pictures like everyone does, it will just be the three of us. Tears are pouring down my face as I write this. I only get half of this dream. My heart hurts.

I am still trying to choose joy. I go out and hang with people. I'm not good at talking right now. It's all I can do to keep a brave face.      JOY

I don't know what to call this one.

So Mother's Day wasn't as easy as I thought it was. Both my kids became surly the next day. Yay! They haven't really gotten over their surliness; they just keep showing it in new and unique ways. I feel very alone. 

Tony's boys from Liberty HS have dedicated this baseball season to him. These are his seniors. They have been doing a good job. He'd be really proud of them. They are now playing in the off season trying tonwin first for Tony. They made it through the first round by beating Heritage. The next round is against De La Salle. Ouch! I think they can do it. I would love for them to win. I have been going to these last few games, and they are fun!

I am unloading my house this weekend. Anybody want some old, used furniture that would love to be refurbished? I have some end tables that would be fun to work on. Tony and I got them used when we got married. I kept them thinking that some day I would redo them..... I am going to be donating a bunch of stuff to people who want/need stuff...couches where one side doesn't recline anymore...several end tables... I like the idea of getting rid of stuff. I don't like the idea of having to haul all the stuff I'm keeping to a new location to be stored until I'm ready to move it again. I hate moving, but I dislike the house more. There are just so many bad memories. 

I am looking forward to getting a place of my own. I'm not looking forward for it to be just me and Jules. I dread the day Jeremiah says that he has a place of his own. Although right now I wouldn't be too unhappy without the kids...they are annoying and tearing me down. I am just afraid of the aloneness. I already feel it at times, and I love be in a place with many people. How bad will it be when I'm actually alone?

I think one of the reasons that I'm so morose is that I am going to a memorial service tomorrow. One of Tony's coach buddies recently lost his battle with cancer. I really liked this guy. He was amazing. He was just at Tony's memorial service. I wish I had words of wisdom for his wife. I have nothing. I have tears. I can offer a hug. That's it. 

I am also not sleeping well. I know that is helping immensely with my moroseness. I thought I had moved into avoidance. That is true to an extent. I avoid crying and things that might make me cry. I am still very much in anger. Anger is wearing me out. 

I am trying so hard to choose joy. Most times I am too tired to actively pursue joy. It is also hard to choose joy when you want to scream out in anger. It's hard to choose joy when parenting becomes overwhelming. It's hard, but I am trying.              JOY


Oh, I choose joy by making morbid jokes. If you would like to see Tony's last selfie, just ask. Of course, it is his brain, so you may want to pass on that. Yes, I got a good giggle showing people that one. I was going to post the picture, but thought it might be a tad gross.

Baseball, Friends, and Family

These last few days have been interesting. I talked to my therapist/counselor/friend and realized that I have not been seeing God in the little things like I used to. He suggested I ask God to open my eyes to see these again. So I did. Wow! I have been reading about about grief (I'm still unsure if I agree with it or not so I'm not posting the title), and it said to ask God specifically for what you want (that's a paraphrase...there's more to it than that). I did and wow! Now here's the story that ties these two together. Yesterday was Liberty High School's final regular game of the season. The Seniors on the team were Tony's boys. The three local high schools were tied for first place (I think), so they all were playing each other this week. Tuesday Liberty beat Heritage. Yesterday they were playing Freedom (the Juniors on that team are also Tony's boys). Liberty's baseball team has chosen to dedicate the entire season to Tony since so many of them were coached and loved by him. They have made me feel like I was part of the Liberty baseball family. It was a funny, awesome game. Tony would have enjoyed it so much. I was so proud of the boys. They are adorable. I got to talk to the coach a little bit afterwards and thanked him. Then I raced off the the SF Giants game. I had this tickets for months, but I didn't want to miss this important Liberty game. I arrived during the 5th inning. (I will stop here and let you know that I have felt that I was a jinx for a few years. It seems that every game I go to they lose.) They were losing...no surprise there...they love to lose for me. I got situated in my seat, started updating my mom and Shari on the Liberty game, and then the game started to turn around. The Giants started hitting the ball and running the bases! Cool! The Kiss Cam came on...I find it hilarious...and partway through a guy proposed...she said yes...it was so cool! It was hot, and I wanted ice cream. I didn't want to leave my seat because I wanted to watch the game. So I said, "Where's the ice cream man?" Up the stairs comes a girl selling ice cream...no joking. It was amazing timing. We got up and did the 7th inning stretch. I got into my neighbor's selfie. She thought it was funny. The game continued to be awesome. Then came the 8th inning Sing-a-Long. For the past few years, it's been "Don't Stop Believing" which I find to be a ridiculous song. I sing it...but have year listened to the words... Last night, it was "Lights" by Journey.........I love that song. Tony and I had just had a conversation about this song a few weeks/months before he died. I said that it brought back warm, fuzzy memories...nothing specific...just happiness.... He thought about it and agreed. That's how it made him feel, too. So it's a special song for me. I half teared up. I started getting excited because it looked like the Giants were going to win, and it's been forever since I heard Tony Bennett sing "I Left My Heart in San Francisco"...that's what they play when they win. The moment came! They won. The lady (that I selfied with) laughed at us because we laughed, sang along, and clapped to the "WooHoo song they play first. Actually a lot of people were looking at us and laughing....... When that song ended, the long-awaited song began. They lady next to me started to leave, so I gave her a hug (she's part of the Giants family, so why not). We started to sing along with this song, and I suddenly realized...there wouldn't be a Tony waiting at home to talk over this game (he would have been watching it or listening to it). There wouldn't be a Tony to talk to about this guy's awesome outfit (red plaid shorts and a blue shirt with yellow stripes). I got all teary. It was a fun day. It was a funny day. But reality can take away some of the fun and funny. I refused to let it ruin my day. I cried, and I focused on all the wonderful that had happened. I still find myself asking myself if this is really real...Am I really not going to see this man on earth ever again...Really?...

A friend of mine sent me a picture. On it it says, "Determine to choose joy." In this moment, I have determined to choose joy. I will focus on the fun of the day. I will focus on how much Tony would have enjoyed it. I will focus on joy. I chose joy yesterday. I chose joy today. I will choose joy tomorrow (at least I think I will).                                               JOY

Mother's Day

Mother's Day was never a special holiday for me with Tony. He would always tell me that I wasn't his mom, so he didn't need to get me anything. I can still totally hear him saying this. I always enjoyed the cute things the kids did for me. I usually helped them, but still... I'm a mom.. I love almost everything my kids give me or make for me. I have to say almost because Julia tries to find things that are ridiculous for me to like. I did miss him like crazy today, but I didn't notice a lack of gift. 

Right after Tony died, around the memorial service, and today I felt moments of guilt. Mostly towards Tony's parents. I feel guilty because he's gone. I know it's not a real reason...I have to talk myself out of it...but I still feel like apologizing for his death...let them know I would gladly (probably gladly is the wrong word) take care of him for many, many more years. Like that makes it better. 

Now Father's Day! I'm already swearing up a storm in my head for that one. 

Back to my Mother's Day...I had a great day. I had lunch with my kids and my mom (my dad and bro too). I got presents. I got a homemade card. I got an awesome card that I picked out. I got Giants stuff that I also picked out. My kids were great. I went to church. It was a traditional Mother's Day for me. 

I chose joy. I focused on the positive, and ignored the hard parts. I used to be very good at ignoring the hard parts. Not so easy these days. But I chose joy today.                        JOY

Anger Sucks

I am officially in the anger stage. (And boy am I mad.) Yesterday I was so angry I couldn't make that joke. My therapist/counselor/friend helped me through a portion. I have learned that there is no magic wand to wave it away instantly. That super sucks. I kinda apologize for the word "sucks." It's my swear word of choice. Not too bad considering the ones floating around inside my head and begging to come out. 

The first title I wrote was "I am Angry!" Of course, because of working with the youth kids that title made me want to say "Rhonda angry!" That kinda made me laugh and therefore was not angry enough to write this blog. There's a fine line in anger for writing. You can't be too angry, or you sound a bit crazy or mean. You can't be under angry because then people can't see that you are angry. When you are angry, you want everyone to know. Not really. It just seems that way. 


I put this post away for a few weeks...
Over the last few weeks talking to my therapist/counselor/friend, I have learned that anger is okay. It is acceptable...just don't do something you will regret while angry. I was so angry that I wanted to break something. We decided that I could break something. So I went to Dollar Tree...bought a bunch of breakables (plates, bowls, cups, stemware, snow globe, trinkets...) ...bought some duct tape and garbage bags...pulled out my baseball bat..... Just realizing that I could break things really made me feel good. I was able to smile. I was able to work through the anger to figure out what was behind the anger...abandonment. I don't want to get into that right now. I am satisfied that I figured it out. Now I have to ponder these things in my heart.

I refused to choose joy for awhile. Now I choose joy by hanging with my kids, by laughing with my kids, by choosing graduation announcements with my boy, by working with my girl on her school work, by shopping with my girl...yep, I've been choosing joy in lots of different ways. I am enjoying this new life that I have. I'm not happy about it, but I choose joy.                        JOY

Anger

I am at the anger stage of grieving. I have found it to be hard to write with anger. Everything comes out so angry and bitter. Weird, huh? I have been working on a post, but the anger keeps getting in the way. So I put it aside. I thought I was getting better with the anger, but it reared its angry head again. So that's it for now. I am not choosing joy. Maybe a few moments I do, but mostly no. And I'm okay with that.          JOY

Good News!?!

So I recently got good news. The brain neuro pathologist found out that Tony really had a head injury. I was so surprised. (read with sarcasm) Well, I really was surprised because I had talked to him because he wanted to know why I wanted the brain autopsy. I told him about Tony's injuries and symptoms until his death. He told me that it was highly unlikely that he would find that kind of head trauma on the brain. So I expected that I would get a clean bill of health report on the brain. When he called me to give me the update, he kept saying that he was surprised to find the trauma...over and over... I know...God is good...all the time....all the time...God is good... Another thing that surprised me was that my first thought was "God does love me!" The next thing I thought was "Duh!" I knew before that I needed to reevaluate the way I think of God, but it surprised me that I would be surprised that God loves me. This is now my new homework assignment. Figure out why I think of God that way, and how can I change it.

Since I received this news, I have been feeling much happier. I feel a release of some burdens. I don't have to worry anymore that people (insurance company) might think that we were lying...that we were making it all up. It was hard to live through, and even harder when people didn't believe you. Most people never saw how he was injured, but they believed us. A few people got to see him while he was showing some symptoms. Mostly only family and super close friends got to see him for who he was...all the injuries...all the symptoms...all the pain...all the suffering... Only I got to hear what was going on inside his brain...his hopes...his dreams...his fears about his failing health...his loves...the things that kept him going.

When I thought that there wouldn't be anything on Tony's brain to show his injury, I kinda felt like all that we had gone through was for nothing. There was nothing to show for it. Just my word. Just my memories. With this proof, I feel so much relief. I hate to say it, but I feel justified. I feel like I've been given back my integrity, my honesty. I feel like I can say, "See? I wasn't lying. I was telling the truth! Do you believe me now?"

To bring Easter into this since it is tomorrow. I heard someone tell the Easter story, and she said it slightly different than I had heard it before. It got me thinking. I'm not quite ready to share this part because I'm still working through some deep, heavy stuff. But I am looking forward to Easter.

I didn't choose joy for awhile because I didn't want to hear any more bad news. I refused joy. I have repented of my attitude and have chosen joy since. I keep reminding myself that It Is Well With My Soul. That 's how I have been choosing joy. IT IS WELL.                                 JOY

Weary

I have been feeling weary these days. I don't know if it's one of the official stages, but it should be. I used to think of the song "Worn" as my theme song. I know others did too. I was always so tired working, taking care of kids, ministry, care giving for my husband, etc. Now I would do almost anything to go back to being "worn." I wouldn't want Tony to have to go through all that again, but I miss the "togetherness" of making decisions with someone else. It can be annoying, and I love making my own decisions. But it is also lonely. A friend confided in me that she sometimes thought about what would happen if her husband died. How she would be so sad. I confided back that I used to think the same thing, and reality is nowhere near the imagination. The imagination was yucky, but the reality is paralyzing in its pain. It makes me weary. 

I got to fill out my Buddy Bears form today. I got to write that I am no longer married, and I'm a widow. I got to write that I no longer have a husband. Fun.

I miss our inside jokes. I didn't realize how many Tony and I had. The last few days I have wanted to text him or made a mental note to tell him when I got home. I finally lost it at the Giants game yesterday. I have never cried during Dont Stop Believing before. There were just too many things I wanted to talk to Tony about. I hope that I will be able to enjoy going to games again. 

I have begun to get weary when thinking of the future and finances. Every year that Tony was hurt, we made a little less. Each year we lowered our expenses to make ends meet. Last year we ended up getting food from the food bank to be able to eat. Now I am looking toward the future. Originally I wanted to sell the house because it had too many not-fun memories. Now I have to sell the house because I can't afford it. That's discouraging. Selling it because of memories is okay. Selling it because of lack of money hurts. This is not a sob story for help. This is just for me. This is another reason for weariness. I used to work because I loved my job. Now I work because I need the money. It's not as enjoyable that way.  

Recently I have chosen to not have joy. I don't want to have joy. I want to wallow in my weariness. Then God brings me a bunch of awesome ladies who pull me out of it for a few hours. God chose joy for me for awhile. I'm still moping in my lack of joy. I want my financial miracle, and I want it now. Anything less and I don't want joy. Selfish, I know. That's where I am.        JOY

Being Dad

When I met Tony, I was a total prude. I was the prudeliest of prudes. I was a goody two shoes and proud of it. I was naive and had no idea. Junior High boy joking was a foreign language. 

Shortly after Tony died, my kids informed me separately, on their own, that I needed to do "dad" stuff for them. One of the kids wanted me to check out their poop...gross...I want to puke. One kid wanted me to watch yucky videos. They both wanted me to continue to do that "dad thing" that only dad could do for them. Totally easy...I can do it...dude, Tony's disgusting. 

I found myself looking through the mystery blinds at the coroner's office. I touched the wet paint at Target. I laughed when someone said "do do." 

This week we went to Santa Cruz. I found myself doing way too many "dad" comments. We went to a marine center. There was a worm thing. I had to make the crude comment. Okay, I didn't have to, but my kids got a kick out of it. I don't know what they think is funnier...the comments or the fact that MOM is saying them. I truly enjoyed the trip. I enjoyed being mom. I got a weird, happy feeling being dad. Other than wanting to text Tony during dinner to find out how he was doing, it was all good. 

So I chose joy by accepting a fun request from my kids...keeping dad's legacy alive through us. We continue to talk about him, tell his jokes, and speak his crude humor. Not exactly who I dreamed of becoming.          JOY

Elaborate Dream

Last week I was stuck in an elaborate dream. It was weird. I was married to a guy named Tony. He was funny, and he a absolutely adored me. The only problem is that I couldn't remember our history together. I could read it on a list. I could see it in pictures (except he was bleary), but I couldn't remember it. It was quite unnerving...and a little scary. 

I know the elaborate dream is real life. I know I am forgetting, but I can't believe that it felt like a dream...and not real. It scared me. 

Don't worry. This dream phase is over for now. I was in bed, and I rolled over to tell Tony something. Wow! That was painful. I sobbed for awhile on that one. After the sobfest, what little sleep I got was filled with dreams...every one of them with Tony in it...every one of them knowing Tony shouldn't be there with me. That was Saturday night. I was still extremely emotional on Sunday. In fact, I absolutely lost it during church. I am so thankful for friends...and loud worship music. Other than the horrible red puffy face, most people didn't know I just did my ugly cry in a huge way. 

How did I choose joy this week? I went on a trip to Santa Cruz with my kids and their home school group...a trip I really didn't want to go on. I went for my two kids...and my mom said I should... I have enjoyed myself. I have enjoyed my kids. We created new, fun memories. I even got the best, most appropriate fortune..."Your sense of humor will get you through difficult times.".      JOY

Another List

My brain won't shut up, so I am creating a list called "Things I won't have/get to do..." I am not overly sad about most of these right now. I just can't get them to stop running through my head. I have already grieved for some. I will probably have a hard time writing a few, but here it goes. 
*I don't get to have our 25th anniversary. I'm pretty bummed about that. My mom saved our wedding napkins for it. They are cute and very 80s/90s. 
*I don't get to watch my daughter walk down the aisle at her wedding on the arm of her father. Don't get me started on this one.....
*We were going on an Alaskan cruise this coming July. 
*We were going to be that cute old couple holding hands. 
*I have to watch Captain America without him. 
*I have to give the kids' awards to them when everyone knows he's the funny one. 
*Kidstuf isn't the same. 
*I have to be the bad parent. I was used to being the good parent.   
*I get to be a single parent. I knew it was hard, but WOW!
*I don't get to use his handicap placard anymore or park in the handicap parking places at the front. I am quite bummed by this. I was looking forward to going to Disneyland just so we could use it. 
*No pranks!!! Wait, Julia likes to prank just like her dad. Drat!
*No retirement home together. We had it planned. 

This list goes on and on. My brain is now quiet. I may be able to sleep now. How do I choose joy? Well, thanks for asking. I choose joy by laughing. The awesome Brignolio family taught me to laugh. Find something humorous even in the hard times. It help you survive and thrive.     JOY